I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XIX
Heero's POV:
" So we'll die both; and the world will be better without us..." He whispered, his lips barely moving, his violet eyes enlarged, widened, with huge irises, dark and hazed. He seemed dazed off and he was shuddering, but my arms slid off him on their own accord instead of trying to warm him. Kami, he really was crazy...
"...if this is what you want. Because I won't hesitate." He said firmly, looking straight in my eyes, but like if not really seeing them, but looking through me at the opposite wall, at least I felt like that, maybe because his eyes were so empty... like if they were dead already, while the rest of him had to wait for a moment of my inadvertence. " Could we do it now ?" He asked, almost innocently.
Shiver ran down my spine at the realization what he was talking about.
" You know, Hee... When it comes to this, I think that Wu wanted to kill me that night, only he wasn't brave enough to finish what he had started... I think he was right, trying to finish me off like that... There had to be more to this than just his idea, God, don't you think ? You should finish what he started. Fuck me to death, Heero, and then kill yourself, if this is what you want. All be done then." He continued, his expression not changing one bit from the childlike wonder, like if he had discovered something important and ingeniously simple at the same time. He licked his lips, before shoving himself at me once again that day, grasping my shoulders firmly and pressing his slim body to mine.
I didn't stand it. I hit him in the back of his neck, exposed to me, rendering him unconscious.
Something terribly wrong had happened... something that shouldn't have
taken place ever... Duo wanted to die, but more to this, he felt he deserved
to be raped to death, he thought he deserved the worst thing that had ever
happened to him... Fuck, what had I done wrong ? How could I have even
let it happen, get to that point at all ? And how was I supposed to pull
Duo out of that shit, alone ? Or maybe, not alone at all... I needed to
swallow my pride and get Trowa and Quatre...
Duo's POV:
I was at Quatre's estate on L4 again. Heero had brought me here this morning, after I had told him to kill me himself and then join me if he wanted, because I simply had to die and his threats nor constant control weren't going to stop me. In the morning he had told me he had contacted Quatre and that we would have been leaving to L4. I had accepted it, having no other choice, however I hadn't been enjoying the idea of having three watchdogs, if Trowa was there, instead of one. As a Preventer, Heero didn't really need all those papers to leave Earth, so we could have simply gone on a cosmodrome and left with the next shuttle. That way, in the evening, we were on L4, having all controls and examinations possible complete. They had been performed unusually quickly thanks to Heero's diplomatic papers and my colonies' nationality, which I, unlike him, still had. Else, I wouldn't have passed so smoothly, I could feel it, I had seen it in the eyes of the doctor who had been examining me, how they had widened at the sight of my scars, those old and fresh, from war, Wufei and my first attempt on suicide, all causing serious damage to my body that had left its traces on it forever.
So here we were, at the porch of Quatre's estate, Heero's arm wound loosely around my waist, not to hold as lovers do, but to keep me from hurting myself, trying to run or something equally stupid he thought I was able to do. His embrace felt like ropes. My neck was still stiff from the blow it had received the previous night, as a nice way for a boyfriend to put me to sleep. And there was that stinging sensation in my chest, after-effect of that huge dose of amphetamine I had taken not so long time ago. Mixed together, it felt bad. World span around me and I needed to put more of my weight onto Heero's shoulder. I smiled blankly realizing what kind of image we were making like that together, when we passed by, disgusted snarl appeared on the butler's face. Anyway, he shouldn't have been reacting like that seeing gays, Quatre was supposed to be gay himself. At his place I wouldn't have kept such a butler then.
As we stepped inside the hall, Quatre and Trowa approached to greet us. They were walking together towards us, but keeping casual distance from each other. That meant one thing for sure, at the moment, they weren't together. Had I... Had I destroyed what there had been between them once ? Only as they joined us Heero let me go. He was right, in a closed room, with three of them inside, I had no chance to hurt myself seriously. Heero and Trowa didn't greet each other. Tro was supposed to shot through Heero's left shoulder when I had been unconscious after my jump from the bridge, so, it explained it quite well. The tension between the two of them was the kind to cut through with a knife. It was hard to breathe in the room they were in together. Quatre shook hands with Heero and said something to him, smiling, something I missed. I bet it held no importance whatsoever. Then Quatre came to hug me, but I backed away. I didn't know why. I hadn't that much of problems with physical contact with others anymore, but somehow... I felt like if he shouldn't touch me, because I would stain him, pure, innocent creature, such a shit as me shouldn't even get close to. Me, stinking kid from the ghettos, me, little dirty slut, and he was so pure... Understanding flashed in his eyes. No, he didn't understand, it only seemed so to him, he would have to suffer way more than he had to actually did. But I was happy he didn't. God, let him stay like that forever...
Then Trowa approached me and stopped at a close distance, not quite knowing what to do. Well, I didn't either. We had been lovers, we hadn't exactly parted, but... It seemed he was with Quatre, it seemed I was with Heero, so... what was with us now ? I was the one to stand on my toes and peck him on the cheek. I just felt like it. I still wanted to be grateful to him for pulling me out of the worst shit at the beginning, just after.
Quatre looked incredulously at that and I caught that look before he managed to hide it. Then Heero approached me again, his arm finding its way around my waist again, this time circling it more tightly and possessively. Yeah, I knew, he was showing Tro whom I belonged to now. There is nothing like to get between two strong, possessive males. All we needed now was Tro cuddling Quatre in return. But he didn't, either they really weren't together at all, or simply it was just about me. I hoped with whole my heart that Tro had gotten over me, because if he still loved me and was going to try to win me back, I would... I was not a prize to fight for... And it was adding so much responsibility to... well, I needed to kill myself, I didn't want to hurt him, maybe he loved me, two things that simply didn't go together, I would have to choose, again.
Heero dragging me to the living room got me out of my thoughts. Living room... I knew so well from our meetings... Not that long time ago we had been sitting here, the four of us, Tro, Quat, me and Wu. Heero had been nowhere to be found, I had been waiting for him, missing him, I had been happy, and so different from whom I was now, I had known nothing about how much I could hurt, I had known nothing about what I had been doing to my friend, Wufei, then, I had been so mindless, so stupid, so blind... Because of that, because only Wu could actually see it, what needed to be destroyed, me, he had had to do what he had done and kill himself, because it didn't go well with honor and things. It hadn't been his fault, only mine. And Heero... I had his heart, I was his, a part of his life, he cared about me, he loved me back, as much as he could, I should be happy, but, I could not let myself be happy, not anymore, I couldn't be happy and make others hurt and die because of me, like I had done with Wufei. I had to disappear... My death was too important thing to accomplish for me to give it up because of my love for Heero. It wasn't going to stop me, it wouldn't ! If he had decided he would kill himself as well if I would do so myself, and I knew he meant it, then let's let him do so, if this was our only choice... I needed to die, that was the most important. Nothing else mattered... Not Heero, not Trowa, not Quatre, not myself.
I was sat down on the couch by Heero, his arm staying looped around my shoulders, Tro and Quatre taking places in two separate seats in front of us. Definitely, they weren't together. Then they began to blabber something about me, me getting worse instead of better, me trying to kill myself once again, me not acting normal, like if I wasn't there with them at all... Indeed, I wasn't listening to all, I dazed off half-way, just staring dumbly through the window. Get yourself a reputation of being mentally ill and everyone will be treating you like if you didn't understand nothing at all... But I wasn't angry at them for that, I wasn't listening anyway. I needed to think, I needed to think of a way to end with myself. And the view of the colony outside the window was so beautiful, so damned beautiful, and terrible to me at the same time. Colony, early evening, dim light trying to imitate sunset. Nothing like that, just like if someone was slowly turning lights off, nothing more. The same view, almost the same, only way more miserable, I had been admiring cuddling myself in the dark corners of the ghetto, getting ready to sleep, having nowhere else to go.
Only the sound of my name got me out of the trance and I realized I was in Heero's lap and he was stroking my hair in a soothing manner, because I was sobbing. Really, I hadn't realized that. I really had been there a minute ago, in the ghettos of L2, being 9-years-old, having no home and no parents, only bitter memories of dead friends and people who had been close to me for a while, and a little crucifix on my neck to accompany me, nothing more, and little pieces of musty bread I had either stolen or gotten pleasing some lonely man.
" Duo..." Quatre called for me like if from a distance.
I tried to look up at him and smile, but instead I saw a swollen face with deadly gleaming eyes, the smell of alcohol hitting me in my face as I was pulled up by my collar, hoping that I would be just kicked out of that place and had to go look somewhere else for a dark corner to sleep in, and not... Then I was hit for the first time, hard across my face, but not by that man. Wufei... He really was a martial artist, I hadn't time to feel the pain from one blow and the next was already delivered, blood felt like water, and while he was smashing my jaw my ribs hurt from earlier blows, making blood spill down my swollen lips... Bloody visions... again... in these blood was just red water, nothing more, no pain, no death, just thick crimson liquid, flowing in streams down my body, down the corpses of my victims, making a puddle around Wufei's shot through skull, mixing with brain. Flowing down my thighs in thick rivulets as Heero continued trusting in me for all he was worth, I had hurt them all so badly...
Two hot tears running down my cheeks got me back to reality, two hot
tears running down my cheeks, not my own. My eyes were dry, but my face
was damp with tears, his tears. From all the things I had dared to dream
about seeing, I had never thought that those Prussian blue eyes, hunting
my dreams for years, would cry for me one day. Perfect soldier was crying.
The world had turned upside down, something was wrong. The way I had taken
?
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