I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XX
I could feel every drop of blood coursing through my veins adjust its moves to the motion I was put into, without my will nor effort. That motion, it was giving me the sense of reality, something I, well, every living being, desperately needed and had lost at some point, sinking in thoughts, plans, searching a way to leave that world and fucked purpose for me to do it. I still had to, but just for a while longer... Heero had been crying because of me... I had made him that sad and scared losing myself in my own world of nightmares... He really had to love me... He loved me, and well, Trowa did, too. After I would die and stop hurting others all-together I would hurt them, my last victims, all the same, but still I had to, even if both of them were going to follow me and join me in death, still, it wasn't too high of a prize for that world to get lost of me. I deserved it, it had to be done. How I knew that Trowa loved me so much, indeed ? Or maybe he just wanted me desperately enough to join me in my craziness, as for now. To let me drag him to the closest bedroom after Quatre had accompanied Heero to the bathroom, and make him hard and make him slam in me repeatedly.
I needed to preserve some hold on reality to end with myself, it wouldn't be an easy task, being completely crazy I wouldn't be able to trick my watchdogs and complete it. His gentle, powerful thrusts, bringing more of dull sensation of fullness than pain or pleasure were helping me not to lose the feel of my body and grip on my surroundings, not to float somewhere from I couldn't even control my body.
He feared he would hurt me, but I wasn't made of glass, I needed him to be less gentle... Way less gentle... That thought flowed through my mind again... Wufei hadn't completed his task, I should have died fucked to death, that was how things were supposed to be, but Tro... no, he wasn't one to do something like that to me anyway, no matter how hard I would have provoked him, I was sure about this. So I just pulled myself up on my elbows and wrapped my legs tightly around his waist, making him penetrate me way deeper. My breathing was starting to get ragged, sharp pain shoting through my lungs, damaged by my last attempt on suicide. I wasn't paying attention to that, nor to the blood, rivulets of which I saw in the back of my eyes, covering my original vision. There was no need to fear, it was Tro, and... I did deserve it, had I forgotten ?
I really was the worst kind of a whore, I had been in Quatre's estate for no more than half an hour and already dragged his boyfriend to bed with me, for a quick nice fuck still fully clothed, not counting unzipped pants and pulled down boxers. But I needed it, it hurt, just a bit, because I wasn't making any sounds, either from pain or pleasure, and Tro didn't know how he should move. But that angle was all right with me, at least it hurt... I liked pain, I liked it more than pleasure, I had just realized that, well, I had had so many chances to get to know the pain closely and never the pleasure, pleausure for me was something taken from between dreams, pain was my reality... pain was what was making me real. I needed to feel the pain, a lot of pain, to stay real and sane and able to finish myself off.
Tro moved more vicsiously, just once, and it caused me so much more pain. I wanted him to do it again, and again, over and over again...
" Tro, fuck me harder..." I whispered, looping my legs around his waist more firmly.
He hesitated. I bit my lip and turned us over, so that I was the one on top. He seemed shocked, well, I hadn't done that all those times we had been together before, I used his shock on my advantage, slamming myself on him hard enough to draw blood immediately and make it flow down my thighs in thick rivulets, in just a few motions, mere seconds, filled with agonizing pain... I saw blood, I didn't need to dream of it anymore, from the borders of reality it had come to fill it, again. I could have died like that, drowning in my own blood, it would have been the best way for me to die...
Green eyes I was still looking into widened as he cummed inside me, his semen mixing with my blood. He went limp inside me, and there was no more pain, but still, there was blood. Blood, one thing that could link my dreams and visions it filled, with the reality I needed to stay in touch with. I removed myself off him and moved away from him, my fingers reaching to probe my own depths, slick with blood and semen. I was a whore if I could enjoy this. When I removed my digits they were covered in slick, crimson mixture of the two. For me it was a symbol, it had a special meaning, the worst moments in my life were filled with that substance, but at the same time these moments were the most deserved, for hurting those who loved me, for making people want me and hurt because of that. Yes, I finally discovered it. It was my punishement, for all I was. It was everything real to me, the rest was a mask.
I licked my fingers clean, tasting the salty-metallic tang and reaching for more, but Trowa caught my wrists and held them together with bruising force, his eyes bearing into mine intently. He was trying to read me... He was trying to get to know why the fuck I had enjoyed that... He would think from now on, that I did enjoy that kind of things, from now on he would think I had made Wufei hurt me, seduced him into this, because I had been getting some sick pleasure from that... He would be sick, disgusted with me, he would stop loving me, stop caring, I would be able to kill myself not hurting him...
" Do it again, Tro..."
Blackness overtook me when he hit me in the back of my neck... Were
they ever going to leave in peace ?! It hurt already from what Heero had
done to it... My last thougtht before I blacked out...
I had woken up in some other bedroom next morning, my head, lungs and backside hurting as hell. Good, pain was what was making me real... It was helping me not to forget about my body...
Before I had even made the slightest move Quatre had come in and rushed to my side and accompanied me ever since. As for Heero and Trowa, I hadn't seen them, I hadn't seen anyone beside Quatre and the butler and a psychiatrist, if that was the point. Now it was around noon and I was sitting in a study, on a little couch with Quatre, holding my hand tightly, which I let him do to me simply having no room to back away, and trying to concentrate to listen to the psychiatrist's blabber. It was the best one on L4, Quatre had gotten here especially for me after Heero's call from Earth. He had examined me, showed me all those weird pictures they were all showing, asked about few things... Nothing special. Anyway, I hadn't been paying much attention to him, however hard I had been trying, I... simply couldn't have, my own world of nightmares had been pulling me inside it way stronger than the boring reality filled with one thought: I need to end with myself ! and so I had drifted away.
Now the examination was complete and the doctor was blabbering something in latin I bet neither me nor Quatre really understand. His next words fell on me like a tone of bricks. He was suggesting mental hospital and strong medications and restraining me because I was a danger to myself and maybe others. His heart was made of either stone or glass... This wasn't my fucked fault ! I needed to kill myself ! They had no law to restrain me !
I looked at Quatre pleadingly, desperately, while the doctor suggested he would escort me to the best hospital on the colony. Quatre hesitated. Where the fuck were Heero and Trowa ? Couldn't one of them pull me out of that shit ? Why was I in that shit in the first place ?! Why was I, Shinigami, asking for help ?!! Was I really crazy ? Of course I was, I was sane enough to realize it, I wasn't normal, but not everyone was through what I was, not everyone made people react to him like I did, not everyone... But was I right ? Choosing death over life and craziness over sanity because of that ? Because it was my choice, wasn't it ? I could tell no, stop that, and cradle myself in Heero's arms and let him bring me back to happiness and reality. But I had told no. Because I had thought I wasn't worth it, that what I deserved was pain and death. The shorter way... I was weak to choose an easier solution... But, the problem was, if I would have chosen the longer I wouldn't have been the only one to suffer because of that, I would have made Heero suffer with me, and maybe not him alone, but now, he did suffer, too. He had even cried... I was lost, there was no way for me to take... Both I knew were wrong and I didn't see any else... Maybe Heero... Maybe he could see it... I needed time... Desperately, I needed time to let him lead me through it, to the better, happy life I still could have at his side... All I needed was time... Please, don't take me to the hospital, please...
Quatre told no, and took leave of the doctor and, well, very politely
kicked his ass out of his house. I was saved... What was I going to do
with the time I had gotten ? Heero... Yes, I needed to ask him if he could
see a way, and if he would get through it with me, suffer with me, be eternally
happy with me, one day... I needed to ask... And if he would tell me no
I would just follow that way and kill myself on the closest occasion. Well,
Heero, it seemed my life was in your hands, again...
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