I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XXI
After the doctor left we ate dinner with Quatre, only the two of us in an immense dining room of his mansion that could have easily accommodated 50 persons, maybe more. And well, he was telling it was that more intimate. It seemed he couldn't grasp the meaning of the word. Anyway, while his Blondeness was eating the royal food with royal manners, was poking in it with my fork, not hungry at all. Me, not hungry. Who would have thought... But well, I hadn't been eating that much anymore after I had stopped growing, and now after all those hospital soups they had been trying to feed me with, my appetite was lost completely. And so I was getting thinner and thinner, mostly skin and bones by now.
I caught Quatre staring at me, worry filling his light blue eyes. I was worrying him, again. I shouldn't bother him at all with my problems, knowing how sensitive he was, I didn't deserve his care and concern, but yet again, it was Heero who had brought me here. I wouldn't have ever come to Quatre on my own these days, after I had taken Trowa away from him. This wasn't even fair that I was sitting here with him like that while I was sore from being fucked by his boyfriend even at the moment, for God's sake. It wasn't fair that he worried sick about me after what I had done. I wanted to slap him to cause him to stop bearing those clear light blue eyes into mine. But I restrained myself and just looked down, concentrating on poking in my food. Fuck, my neck hurt, from what Heero and Trowa had done to it. Really hurt... Tears of pain filled my eyes. Damn, Quatre couldn't see those.
I was grateful when the butler stormed in and Quatre turned to him, so I had a chance to wipe the tears away with a sleeve. Quatre took a receiver from the butler and listened intently, his back to me, as was the butler's. A good opportunity... I stood up, wiped my hands in a serviette and headed to the second exit.
" So how old is that skeleton ? It's really complete ?!" Quatre was shouting enthusiastically in the compact video receiver. It seemed the expedition he had had to leave because of me had found something important, without him there. Really, he shouldn't have bothered... His archeologist's reputation should be more important to him than an old friend from the war, a madman.
I left the room and went to look for Heero. We needed to talk as soon as possible and I hadn't seen him even once today so far, he and Tro weren't sharing meals with me and Quatre and I hadn't met them on the corridors, not even once. Where were they ? Had Heero... left me ? I shrugged the thought off rushing down the corridor, looking inside the rooms I was passing by. Then, as I was passing by the staircase I heard his voice, silent, muffled by the distance, but indeed, it was his voice, deep and emotionless. I ran up the stairs and down the corridor upstairs, stopping only at the sharp pain in my backside, sharper than before, when it had been simply sore. I was bleeding from there, again. I had really managed to hurt myself quite badly then, with Trowa. I felt guilt clutching at my heart tightly. How could I have used him like that ? What would he think of me now ? What if he had told Heero ? Hadn't I realized back then that I could have lost them both ? How stupid had been what I had been doing ? To hurt myself, to regain my hold on reality... to make Tro stop loving me and give a fuck about me... But... Had it been really the best way ? Terrible fear that I had experienced minutes before, after my examination, was helping me to concentrate on my real surroundings way better than blood, which I had thought had been my only link to reality even yesterday... I had been stupid, so stupid... Ready to lose and sacrifice Heero to make everything better with my death... Like if I could have really made them stop caring about me, so my death wouldn't have hurt them at all. It was simply impossible. If no one else Quatre would be sad and blame himself ever after. And Heero and Tro... I didn't know anymore if I wanted them to care or not. I really was lost. I had just realized the way I had previously taken was wrong, but what was I supposed to do when I couldn't see any else ? Go to Heero... He had to know... If he wouldn't have known what to do he wouldn't have taken care of me in the first place. He had to have a plan, a way for me to follow. He had to...
I heard his voice again and continued to the door of the room it was coming from. The door wasn't completely closed, there was a little chink left. I was ready to open that door, really, but as I heard Trowa speak, I hesitated.
" He may seem, no, he may be hurt then, cry, regret, but in the first place that's him who wants it and seduces other men into doing this to him. I think that explains what he was doing in Wufei's bedroom in the middle of the night..."
Tro was... He was telling Heero about what I had done and what he thought about me now, after that, he was... No, it wasn't true ! I hadn't seduced Wufei, not consciously, anyway ! Not in the way he thought I had, not like it had been with him ! It had been a mistake, with him, terrible mistake, but how was I supposed not to make mistakes when I didn't know what to do at all ?! I had been afraid I could have lost the hold on the reality all together... I had needed something to bring me back, but that didn't mean...
" Just be careful with him, Heero. He may not be as innocent as he seems..."
At the moment, I stepped in. Tears welling up in my eyes. How could he ? How could a man who was supposed to love me, had said me so, have so little trust in me ? What had I done hadn't been that awful, had it been ? I had seemed for him to enjoy... to provoke others to... No wonder he thought it had had to be the same with Wufei... My God, what had I done ?
Heero... I turned to look at him, in his cold, blue eyes, still unreadable to me, as always, but seeming colder than usual. He was angry, angry with me, too. I had tricked him, because he had been trusting me and I had acted like that... And he had been caring deeply enough to cry for me and I had screwed all up ! Now, all that was left for me to do was to end with myself, indeed. Heero didn't want me anymore... I had screwed all up...
I turned around, stormed and slammed the door shut behind me, running down the corridor, to the closest bathroom. What was I going to do ? I didn't know yet. Maybe jump out of a window, maybe...
Suddenly, I was immobilized by strong arms wrapped around me from behind, holding my arms and lifting me up off the ground. I would have kicked, if the aggressor hadn't smelled so much like Heero. At the same moment, worried Quatre ran up the stairs and rushed to my side, his eyes wide with fear and guilt. I couldn't look at him. When he was hurt image he was making was able to tear my heart apart... Was it that way with me as well ?
I turned my head to look as much behind me as I could, despite the pain in my neck. Heero was holding me, but I couldn't see his face. Trowa was leaning on the door frame, his face a cold mask, looking at me with all too obvious disgust. Tro, no... I hadn't wanted to, I hadn't meant to... to lose you, in that way... I just... had wanted you to stop loving me, if you ever had, and... and mostly I hadn't been thinking coherently at all... Don't judge me like that, without listening first to what I had to say ! I was sorry...
" I'm sorry, Tro. I didn't know what I was doing..."
He shook his head, like if he didn't want to hear me anymore and went down the corridor, passing by all of us on the way, grasping Quatre's hand and dragging him with himself downstairs. He was going to tell him, too, I could see it in the way he was looking at me and at him. Quatre hadn't better know... how deep my insanity had reached, what kind of things I was really capable to do... I couldn't even be sure this wouldn't repeat, what I could have been sure was that it hadn't been the same with Wufei, but, who was going to believe me now if they had assumed I had tricked them all once before, had lied to them, making a poor victim out of myself while I had been the one to get a friend to suicide, nothing more. I had screwed all up... I had lost them all, I had lost Heero...
Feeling I had relaxed, or rather, given up, he let me go and I backed away from him and turned to face him. I didn't want him to touch me, if he considered me a whore, I didn't want his pity, if he wouldn't be able to give me his love anymore. Hesitantly, I looked up from the floor into his eyes... fearing the worst, but... they weren't cold nor empty anymore... but warm, loving and compassionate.
" Heero, Trowa didn't lie..." I felt I needed to tell him. He couldn't blame Tro because he loved him, I wasn't going to let something like that happen. "...but I know it was wrong, I'm sorry about it. I didn't really know what I was doing... because... Heero, I'm lost, completely lost. I don't know what to do. Help me ?" I looked at him pleadingly, holding my breath waiting for his answer. If he was going to tell no I would jump. There was an open window in my reach, he wouldn't manage to catch me...
" I'll try." He whispered, his expression getting ever softer for the shortest while, before hardening considerably. " But not here. We should leave."
I nodded. Indeed, Trowa and Quatre needed to sort things out between them, without us to disturb them, just that... What if Trowa would manage to make Quatre believe I had provoked Wufei ? If he wouldn't stop believing that himself ? But did it really matter that much now, when I had my own problems ?
" We're going back to Earth ?"
" You don't want to ?"
" Sure. Earth is fun." I spilled, smiling blankly. My mask still existed...
Should I be assured by that ?
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