I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XXII
A week later, we were back at Heero's apartment on Earth, watching TV. Well, at least I was watching TV, while he was sitting next to me on the sofa, so close our arms were brushing, laptop in his lap, hacking, if I was seeing right. He hissed in frustration after trying to come with a right password for the hundredth time and failing. It seemed his password generating programs weren't the best ones one could come with for that system. Because there had to be a way to come in, everything that is accessible as such is hackable. Well, maybe I should help him ?
" No exploits ?"
" No." He answered absentmindedly. He had actually almost muttered his `hn`, almost. If he would have I would have banished him to the couch for that night, which seemed to mean no sleep at all for him. Us `being together` surely was fun, too.
" May I try ?"
" What ?" His head shot up, monotone sound of typing ceasing. That sound... bringing the memory of the night when he had raped me to me for years, until I had learned to control the fear it was bringing in me in order to be able to attend my informatics courses.
" I asked if I may try, since it seems you have some problems with that." I repeated, turning the tv off. Well, I was going to help him, if he was going to appreciate it was another thing. " You know, I'm Gundam pilot and Master in informatics, too. I can do this."
He hesitated.
" It's work for Preventers."
" I'll just find the password. I won't wander around myself, promise. Anyway, Hee..." I continued as he let me take his precious laptop from him. "...I need some work, you know. You can't maintain me forever..." I snapped him before a sound escaped his opened mouth. " I know it wouldn't be a problem for you, but I don't feel like it. I ought work. That's what I was studying for and, you know, on L2 job's been a luxury, I want to have it, just to prove some things to myself."
" You want to work at Preventers ?"
I nodded.
" If that won't be a problem."
" You could start as my assistant, but you're too good to stay as such, you'll be promoted, they'll want to move you somewhere else. We mustn't be separated."
`We mustn't be separated.` My heart did a nice flip-flop. I fucked loved him when he was saying such things. I loved him, so much... Enough to... to... He had managed to show me a new way and accompany me on it, then, when after stepping off the previous one, leading me to the self-destruction to save others the pain, something I could not accomplish anyway, even by that desperate measures, I hadn't known what to do with my life anymore. We mustn't be separated. Me leaving him would have terribly hurt him, him leaving me would have meant my insanity and death, because one thing that had been keeping me going either that way or another was care for him, need to save him the pain, in order to do this I would have done everything, I had been even trying to sacrifice myself.
" That doesn't mean I can't work. Just let them know we're together first."
He looked at me thoughtfully, his eyes darkening. He had just been happy, because I wanted to work, because I had been planning on my future, which also meant I intended to have one. He had been just slowly realizing I had really left my old way, for good. Still, there were bloody visions, hunting me asleep and awake, but they were just nightmares, and the worst part - guilt, was no more. I had understood my death would have not made anything better, it would have had no sense, simple as that, and a bit bitter to realize after two attempts on suicide. He had been glad for me, but now his eyes darkened and narrowed and his features sharpened.
" Are we really together ?" He asked, just a bit of sarcasm in his voice, before standing up and leaving, not waiting for an answer from me.
`Are we really together ?` Were we ? In a way... We weren't lovers, we hadn't has sex ever since that one time back during the war, but we were living together, sharing the bed, cuddling, kissing. That did mean something, didn't it ? Or maybe he had meant Trowa ?
I shook my head, to clear my thoughts before concentrating on finding the password Heero had been looking for for so long before, instead of wasting my time on pointless thinking.
Were we really together ? Did you want us to be really together, whatever
that meant for you ? So make me truly yours, I needed it, too, I wanted
to follow you, I had nowhere to go on my own...
" It's done !" I shouted on top of my lungs something like four hours later, around 9 p.m., after finally getting access Heero needed thanks to the new password-generating program I had written.
There was no answer.
What was going on ? I laid the laptop carefully down on the table and went to look for Heero, first in the bathroom, then in the bedroom, then in the kitchen, and there he was, cooking something special, according to the delicious scent. That he actually could cook at all had been a nice surprise for me. I leaned on the door frame and chuckled softly to get his attention. He turned to face me from over the pan.
" It's done."
He nodded.
" Sorry it took me so long."
" I was trying for two days, with no effects." He said matter-of-factly. " You're good." He smirked, almost pridefully.
" I know." I nodded, grinning. " What is it you're making ?" I approached him, looking in the pan over his shoulder.
" Something you'll like."
" No squids ?"
" No."
" So, there's a chance."
" Quatre called."
I stiffened a bit.
" And... so... what did he say ?"
" That they hooked up with Trowa again, he hopes for good this time. And that they're both glad you're better." He said, emphasizing the word `both`. " I think he's managed to persuade Trowa about..."
" That's wonderful they're together, isn't it ?" I interrupted him, changing the subject.
" Yes." He said softly, like if unsure. He was regretting... that he couldn't really tell the same about us... and now I knew this wasn't matter of me and Trowa and what we had had together.
" You'll talk with Lady Une about a work for me ?" I asked.
He hesitated before answering.
" I told you already that..."
" Tell her we're together. I bet she'll respect it."
He removed the contents of the pan to the plates and turned to face me fully.
" Is there really anything to tell her about ?"
" That we love each other ?" I suggested.
" Maybe first we should legalize it ?" He asked, emotionlessly.
Was it his way of asking me to marry him ? It felt weird, at the least, to be asked that question, a lot like a girl, and I was happy, so happy my heart stopped beating for a moment, feeling ready to explode seconds later, it was so overfilled with love and happiness. Yes, Heero had asked me to marry him, to spend my life with him, he was ready to accompany me on my way, to its very end... he really was !
" Yes." I spilled, feeling my body begin to tremble with emotion. So this was why he had prepared the special dinner ? Really, he was amazing me.
" When ?"
When ? What: when ? Ah... that...
" Dunno. In two weeks ? We could get Tro and Quat for groomsmen... if you have nothing against it."
" Sure." He said emotionlessly. Why wasn't he seeming happy, at all ? I could understand he was masking his emotions, but why weren't his eyes sparkling at all, even the slightest ? He wouldn't have been able to mask real happiness, if it would have been there, that's it. But he wasn't happy. So why was he proposing that at all ? To make me happy, because I was and was showing that out ? To keep with me on my way because else I would have lost it ? To always protect me since he had failed me enough times in the past ? Did he feel that not taking at all, he still wasn't giving me enough of himself ? Was it why he couldn't fail my hopes to spend life with him, despite that he didn't really want it ? Why ? Why didn't he ? Why wasn't he happy for us, happy with me ?
" You don't enjoy this." I said, looking straight into his bottomless blue eyes. He lowered his empty gaze and didn't say anything. It was the confession. " Why ?"
He was silent.
" Why ? Tell me." I rushed him.
" I wonder..." He sighed, looking at me again. "...if you won't be afraid when when it'll come to this, if you will be able at all, because it'll come to this one day if we'll be together. I don't need to force it on you, but you deserve normal relationship, and it includes it. Maybe you should rather go look somewhere else..."
Afraid of having sex with him ? My heart tightened painfully in my chest. Right, I couldn't know either. Maybe... Maybe I wouldn't be ever able to forget as much as to let him take me in that way, and yes, being married we were supposed to do this. I knew it wasn't that he demanded a proof, that yes, I could, but yet again if I wasn't to give it to him, he would be pushing me away, he would be forcing me to hook up with someone else, he would never marry me. So what was I supposed to do ? Show him I didn't fear ? Jump him ? I had tried once before and... and hadn't succeeded...
Tears began filling my eyes, forming slowly under my eyelids... I couldn't... He was going to leave me because of that... with the knowledge I had been once so close to having him by my side forever... Fuck, fuck my damned fate...
My jaw clenched as did my hands at my sides as I was trying hard not to sob, not to shed the tears, to seem tough, to go away having my pride intact, if nothing more, if not my heart, ripped apart because I was losing him, because after being with him for so short amount of time, for the shortest moment being so close to have him for longer, now I was supposed to go looking somewhere else. For me there wasn't somewhere else, if not him no one would ever have me.
I still loved him, I still damned loved him, and it hurt again.
" Duo..." He whispered, getting my attention, as I took my eyes, full of unshed tears, up to look at him as he approached, until we were inches apart, grasping both my hands in his and kissing the tears, that had just began rolling down my cheeks, away, before capturing my mouth in his.
I gave up into the kiss, it was nice, relaxing. I let him push me towards
the wall and rest my back on it, while we were still kissing. He wanted
to give it a try. I did, too.
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