28. …Ron and Hermione form the HOUQC Club
"How's it going, Hermione?" Ron put on his most charmingly innocent smile and sat
down next to his friend. Hermione studiously ignored him, her nose buried in her book.
"Your book's upside-down." Ron took the book from Hermione and set it aside.
"What do you want, Ron?" Hermione sounded decidedly cross but Ron was not to be
deterred. His plan was too deliciously evil, with just enough innocence to make it totally
unexpected, to not carry it out.
"You and I should form a club, Hermione," Ron said, keeping as straight a face as
possible. Hermione raised an eyebrow. "It can be called the hickies-obtained-under-
questionable-circumstances club. Well, bites in my case, but there's really no need to
split hairs."
Hermione narrowed her eyes. "I thought you said that had something to do with your
costume for the ball?"
"Yes, well, I think I managed to convince most of the others that that was the case, except
Draco of course. Which reminds me, I need to think of a good way to get him back for
that. Hurt like all hell and bled like a sonofabitch."
Hermione looked like she was making a conscious decision to not follow that line of
thought. She crossed her arms. "Ok, supposing we were to form this club. What would
be our purpose, our reason for existing, aside from what the title has to offer, of course."
"Oh, this is the best part." Ron felt like rubbing his hands together but felt like that
would be too clichéd. "Our purpose, our goal, if you will, will be to get back at Harry for
his complete lack of understanding. He has absolutely no idea of the position we are in
and I feel that it is our duty to enlighten him."
The corners of Hermione's mouth twitched and she was obviously trying not to smile. "I
take it you have a plan then. Exactly how evil is it?"
"Actually, it's only slightly evil but I think it's just about right. It's also simple which
any plan should be if one can possibly manage it." Ron leaned closer to Hermione
conspiratorially. "It goes like this: After dinner, I'll get Harry drunk. I can think of
several methods of accomplishing this and I'll just choose whichever one sounds the
most feasible. I'm sure you know the recipe for a simple aphrodisiac. We'll slip that to
him as well. Then, we'll lock him in Ginny's room overnight."
Hermione looked dubious. "Ron, have you forgotten? Ginny is your sister. She's
supposed to be too pure and innocent for you to be involving her in plots such as this."
"She's got you snowed, hasn't she?" Ron shook his head. "You obviously haven't had
to listen to her all summer go on about the things she'd like to do to him. Harry ignores
her religiously. Right now I think she'd jump at any chance she got, and gladly."
Hermione's doubts were still written plainly across her face and Ron sighed. Looking
around and seeing that Harry was momentarily out of the room, he called over to his
sister. "Ginny, come over here. We want to ask you something."
Ginny trotted over to the corner, her eyes shining bright innocence. "What's up, guys?"
she asked brightly.
"Ginny, if we could get Harry soussled and in your room by nine, what would you give
us?"
Ginny's look of innocence was quickly replaced by one of calculated cunning. "Depends
on his energy level and state of compliance. Why, what do you want?"
"Oh, just the opportunity." Ron smiled wickedly. Hermione was looking somewhat
shocked. "We might even be able to manage eight-thirty but I can't promise anything."
Draco was racing his water dragon along various river channels and drainages when he
realized that they were actually fairly close to Hogwarts. Hmm, maybe he could pay a
call on his new 'friends.' There were advantages to looking like an unassuming little
snake. It definitely increased one's sneaking ability and a nice bout of eavesdropping
might be just the ticket to cheer him up.
"Well here he is, quarter to nine. Pretty good, no?" Ron guided Harry into Ginny's room
and sat him down heavily on the bed. Harry looked dazedly happy.
Ginny, on the other hand, was looking both shrewd and delighted. "Yes, well we'll just
see. He'll be no good to me if he passes out, now will he?"
"Oh, don't you worry about that," Ron said, stepping out of the room. "I think
Hermione's pretty well taken care of that. Hey, do you want us to lock the door from the
outside?"
Ginny bit her lip, looking undecided. "Perhaps you'd better. One less thing to worry
about after all."
"Ok, have fun," Ron said, closing the door and producing a padlock. He then wandered
down the stairs to the common room, taking care not to fall. His plan to get Harry drunk
had involved chess and taking a drink every time your opponent took one of your pieces.
He was afraid Harry had taken a few more pieces than he'd expected.
In the common room Hermione was sitting, staring dreamily into the fire and petting
Crookshanks. She swayed slightly as she gazed at the flames and Ron recalled that she
had had a few drinks herself in her nervousness about their plan. "Looks like she's going
to turn out to be one of those ever so exciting sleepy drunks," he thought to himself,
plopping down on a couch.
"Hey, Hermione. Now that our goal is all but accomplished, why don't we talk about
reasons for being in this 'club.' How in the world did you end up sleeping with Professor
Snape?"
Hermione turned and blinked at him owlishly. "It was the after effects of that magical
amplifier spell using silver. It overpowered us. We barely even knew what we were
doing at the time." She leaned her head on her hand sleepily. "Why? What's your
excuse?"
Ron thought for a while, his head listing to the side. "Hmmm. I'm going to use as my
excuse the fact that the Malfoys are such good kissers. It has the ability to overwhelm
your brain."
"Actually…you can thank my mother for that." Draco stepped out of the shadows,
totally naked, and sat down gracefully on the couch next to Ron. Ron was in a state
where very little could surprise him so he just attempted to raise one eyebrow. Draco
smirked. "She made us practice." Ron successfully raised the other eyebrow.
"Sometimes on her, but mostly she'd send us off with one of the scullery maids. Started
when I turned seven. Don't ask me why." A small snore came from Hermione.
Ron turned this over in his mind, trying not to picture a seven-year-old Draco kissing one
of his house elves. "You know Draco, you have the weirdest family that has ever
existed."
A brief look of pain flitted across Draco's face. "I know. I mean, shut up Weasley."
Suddenly, Ron's brain came a bit more into focus. "Hey! You're naked!" he slurred
drunkenly.
"Ooh, nice powers of perception." Draco chuckled, flicking an invisible bit of dust off of
his bare shoulder.
Ron looked confused. "Why are you naked?"
"It's hard to explain. I left my clothes in a swamp."
"I'm drunk," Ron said solemnly.
"I figured that…" Draco paused, listening intently. "What is that noise? It sounds like
Harry screaming."
Ron gave into cliché and rubbed his hands together evilly. "We got him wasted and left
him in Ginny's room! Hahahaha!" At this, he fell off the couch.
"Weasley, I think you're more evil than I give you credit for," Draco admitted, poking
the sleeping boy with his toe.
Draco shrugged and gave into the exhaustion that was threatening to overwhelm him.
Changing forms was hard work, and he was tired.
"How's it going, Hermione?" Ron put on his most charmingly innocent smile and sat
down next to his friend. Hermione studiously ignored him, her nose buried in her book.
"Your book's upside-down." Ron took the book from Hermione and set it aside.
"What do you want, Ron?" Hermione sounded decidedly cross but Ron was not to be
deterred. His plan was too deliciously evil, with just enough innocence to make it totally
unexpected, to not carry it out.
"You and I should form a club, Hermione," Ron said, keeping as straight a face as
possible. Hermione raised an eyebrow. "It can be called the hickies-obtained-under-
questionable-circumstances club. Well, bites in my case, but there's really no need to
split hairs."
Hermione narrowed her eyes. "I thought you said that had something to do with your
costume for the ball?"
"Yes, well, I think I managed to convince most of the others that that was the case, except
Draco of course. Which reminds me, I need to think of a good way to get him back for
that. Hurt like all hell and bled like a sonofabitch."
Hermione looked like she was making a conscious decision to not follow that line of
thought. She crossed her arms. "Ok, supposing we were to form this club. What would
be our purpose, our reason for existing, aside from what the title has to offer, of course."
"Oh, this is the best part." Ron felt like rubbing his hands together but felt like that
would be too clichéd. "Our purpose, our goal, if you will, will be to get back at Harry for
his complete lack of understanding. He has absolutely no idea of the position we are in
and I feel that it is our duty to enlighten him."
The corners of Hermione's mouth twitched and she was obviously trying not to smile. "I
take it you have a plan then. Exactly how evil is it?"
"Actually, it's only slightly evil but I think it's just about right. It's also simple which
any plan should be if one can possibly manage it." Ron leaned closer to Hermione
conspiratorially. "It goes like this: After dinner, I'll get Harry drunk. I can think of
several methods of accomplishing this and I'll just choose whichever one sounds the
most feasible. I'm sure you know the recipe for a simple aphrodisiac. We'll slip that to
him as well. Then, we'll lock him in Ginny's room overnight."
Hermione looked dubious. "Ron, have you forgotten? Ginny is your sister. She's
supposed to be too pure and innocent for you to be involving her in plots such as this."
"She's got you snowed, hasn't she?" Ron shook his head. "You obviously haven't had
to listen to her all summer go on about the things she'd like to do to him. Harry ignores
her religiously. Right now I think she'd jump at any chance she got, and gladly."
Hermione's doubts were still written plainly across her face and Ron sighed. Looking
around and seeing that Harry was momentarily out of the room, he called over to his
sister. "Ginny, come over here. We want to ask you something."
Ginny trotted over to the corner, her eyes shining bright innocence. "What's up, guys?"
she asked brightly.
"Ginny, if we could get Harry soussled and in your room by nine, what would you give
us?"
Ginny's look of innocence was quickly replaced by one of calculated cunning. "Depends
on his energy level and state of compliance. Why, what do you want?"
"Oh, just the opportunity." Ron smiled wickedly. Hermione was looking somewhat
shocked. "We might even be able to manage eight-thirty but I can't promise anything."
Draco was racing his water dragon along various river channels and drainages when he
realized that they were actually fairly close to Hogwarts. Hmm, maybe he could pay a
call on his new 'friends.' There were advantages to looking like an unassuming little
snake. It definitely increased one's sneaking ability and a nice bout of eavesdropping
might be just the ticket to cheer him up.
"Well here he is, quarter to nine. Pretty good, no?" Ron guided Harry into Ginny's room
and sat him down heavily on the bed. Harry looked dazedly happy.
Ginny, on the other hand, was looking both shrewd and delighted. "Yes, well we'll just
see. He'll be no good to me if he passes out, now will he?"
"Oh, don't you worry about that," Ron said, stepping out of the room. "I think
Hermione's pretty well taken care of that. Hey, do you want us to lock the door from the
outside?"
Ginny bit her lip, looking undecided. "Perhaps you'd better. One less thing to worry
about after all."
"Ok, have fun," Ron said, closing the door and producing a padlock. He then wandered
down the stairs to the common room, taking care not to fall. His plan to get Harry drunk
had involved chess and taking a drink every time your opponent took one of your pieces.
He was afraid Harry had taken a few more pieces than he'd expected.
In the common room Hermione was sitting, staring dreamily into the fire and petting
Crookshanks. She swayed slightly as she gazed at the flames and Ron recalled that she
had had a few drinks herself in her nervousness about their plan. "Looks like she's going
to turn out to be one of those ever so exciting sleepy drunks," he thought to himself,
plopping down on a couch.
"Hey, Hermione. Now that our goal is all but accomplished, why don't we talk about
reasons for being in this 'club.' How in the world did you end up sleeping with Professor
Snape?"
Hermione turned and blinked at him owlishly. "It was the after effects of that magical
amplifier spell using silver. It overpowered us. We barely even knew what we were
doing at the time." She leaned her head on her hand sleepily. "Why? What's your
excuse?"
Ron thought for a while, his head listing to the side. "Hmmm. I'm going to use as my
excuse the fact that the Malfoys are such good kissers. It has the ability to overwhelm
your brain."
"Actually…you can thank my mother for that." Draco stepped out of the shadows,
totally naked, and sat down gracefully on the couch next to Ron. Ron was in a state
where very little could surprise him so he just attempted to raise one eyebrow. Draco
smirked. "She made us practice." Ron successfully raised the other eyebrow.
"Sometimes on her, but mostly she'd send us off with one of the scullery maids. Started
when I turned seven. Don't ask me why." A small snore came from Hermione.
Ron turned this over in his mind, trying not to picture a seven-year-old Draco kissing one
of his house elves. "You know Draco, you have the weirdest family that has ever
existed."
A brief look of pain flitted across Draco's face. "I know. I mean, shut up Weasley."
Suddenly, Ron's brain came a bit more into focus. "Hey! You're naked!" he slurred
drunkenly.
"Ooh, nice powers of perception." Draco chuckled, flicking an invisible bit of dust off of
his bare shoulder.
Ron looked confused. "Why are you naked?"
"It's hard to explain. I left my clothes in a swamp."
"I'm drunk," Ron said solemnly.
"I figured that…" Draco paused, listening intently. "What is that noise? It sounds like
Harry screaming."
Ron gave into cliché and rubbed his hands together evilly. "We got him wasted and left
him in Ginny's room! Hahahaha!" At this, he fell off the couch.
"Weasley, I think you're more evil than I give you credit for," Draco admitted, poking
the sleeping boy with his toe.
Draco shrugged and gave into the exhaustion that was threatening to overwhelm him.
Changing forms was hard work, and he was tired.