Started and Finished: February 22, 2003

Last Episode Seen Before Writing: SV: Fever; Buffy: Get It Done

Pairing: slight Buffy/Spike, slight Lex/Clark friendship

Rating: R (for violence, and suicidal thoughts)

Category: Angst, Drama

Spoilers: SV: any Victoria Hardwick episodes

Summary: Sometimes pain is the only thing that can make you feel alive.

Disclaimer: I do not own them!

Author's Note: This is set in early season 1 for Lex, season 6 for Buffy. This is *not* a cross-over. They are their separate story lines. If you don't know Buffy, just read the Lex parts. If you don't know Smallville, read the Buffy. They are their own story lines.

The Only Thing That's Real

*I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel,
I focus all the pain, the only thing that's real*

	It was just another night patrolling. Looking for vamps. Pretending to care. Pretending that every moment here on Earth isn't the living hell that she feels it is. Her friends don't understand. They know now what they did to her. Ripping her from Heaven, but that doesn't mean it makes the pain go away.

	Buffy's thoughts are brought to a sudden halt as she's kicked. The force sends her flying into a headstone. She winces at the pain out of habit, then realizes what she's doing. The pain is the only thing that shows her that she's real. That maybe she didn't "come back wrong."

*The needle tears a hole, the old familiar stain,
try to kill it all away, but I remember everything*

	Lex fingers the needle. Watches the liquid slosh around inside the syringe. He's never actually injected himself before. He could in no way call himself a druggie. Well, maybe a little Ecstasy every once in a while, but that was a rare occasion. He wasn't a druggie.

	Lionel had sent him to this hell hole. This crap factory. Because he wasn't "good." Because he was pegged as a drug addict, a rebel, an alcoholic. Well, maybe the first one wasn't true. Lex sets down the syringe. Not today. He takes a drink of the brown liquid in his glass cup. He revels in the familiar, aching, burn as it slides down his throat. That pain. That minimal pain helped to show him that he could still feel.

*what have I become, my sweetest friend,
everyone i know, goes away in the end*

	The vampire kicks Buffy in the stomach before she has a chance to get up. At least that's what he thinks. Buffy knows she has to get up. She has to dust yet another vampire. She staggers to her feet as another blow lands on her temple. It sends her back to the ground.

	She doesn't want to dust this one. She knows it's wrong. But she doesn't. Not because of who he is. She doesn't even know this one. Not because of what she is. The Slayer. She doesn't want to dust this one, because he's making her feel. Something she hasn't done since… Well, since her latest fling with Spike.

*and you could have it all, my empire of dirt,
I will let you down, I will make you hurt*

	But, the burn is not enough. Not anymore. Not enough for Lex. He has too much cold. Too much ice. Too many parts of himself that have been frozen. He wants to feel. To really feel, but knows that will never come. 

	Not while he's taking over the crap factory. Not while he's doing his father's bidding. Not while he's making underhanded business deals. Not while he's screwing Victoria, or some other business CEO's daughter. And definitely not while he's having his so-called "friend" researched. No, he won't feel. The power doesn't make him feel. It doesn't make him hurt.

*I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liars chair,
full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair*

	Buffy makes another half-hearted attempt to throw the vampire off of herself. Because that's what the Slayer does. The Slayer slays. It's her job. It's not what she wants, but what is expected of her. A kick sends the vampire hurtling a few feet away, but with his strength, speed, and agility he's quickly back on top of her. When he kicks her in the stomach, she doubles over. 

	Yes, this is it. What she's waiting for. This hurts. Like it does to be screwing a dead thing. Like it does to screw Spike over and over so she at least feels something. Then he's behind her. Has her arms pinned to her sides. She can feel his breath on her neck. She has two feelings battling inside her. Fear of dying, and utter disgust when she remembers she's already dead. No better off than this thing that's about to feed on her. She's waiting for that sweet sting when the vampire is thrown off of her.

	"Don't touch her!" Spike growls at the other vamp, his own vamp face in place.

*beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear,
you are someone else, I am still right here*

	He's never done this before. He keeps telling himself that as he picks up the syringe. But he's not human. Not by normal standards anyway. He's not normal. That alone tears him up inside. This is what normal people do, right? Shoot up. Inject. Anything to get a high. To get a rush. 

	Well, that's not why he's doing it. Because this isn't a drug in the syringe. No, not even close. This needle is full of Cyanide. A wonderfully strong poison. A poison that will rip through his veins, sending fire shooting throughout his body. The ultimate pain. Yes, this he will feel. This will let him know if he's real. Lex rolls up his sleeve, cursing when his eyes sting with unshed tears. He takes the piece of yellow rubber, using his teeth to tie it tightly in place on his upper arm. Slowly, he uncaps the needle. Smiling slightly when a drop of liquid falls from the end.

*What have I become, my sweetest friend,
everyone I know, goes away in the end*

	Buffy falls to the ground as Spike grabs a stake from her belt and goes after the other vampire. She watches as Spike grabs the vampire from behind, easily slinging him to the side. This fresh vampire is no match for Spike. He makes a swing at Spike, only to have his arm used as leverage to throw him against a headstone. Spike walks over to the other vampire, dusting him quickly.

	When he turns around his vamp face drops, and he's Spike again. He walks over to her, leaning down to brush the tears away from her eyes. "It's okay, love," he croons, kneeling beside her.

	But he doesn't know. Doesn't know that it's not okay, because she was about to be sent back to Heaven. In his haste to save her, he did the exact opposite. Buffy's shoulders shake with her sobs as Spike pulls her into his arms. And she clings to him. Knowing that she's hurt him more times than she could count, but he's still here. So, she clings to him.	

*and you could have it all, my empire of dirt,
I will let you down, I will make you hurt*

	As the needle nears his arm the office door swings open. 

	"Lex, I-" Clark stops short. This must be a shock. The innocent farm boy doesn't see this often. Without a word he walks to Lex. Taking the needle from his hand, he lays it on the glass desktop. Clark kneels beside Lex's chair, reaching for Lex's arm. He undoes the tie on Lex's arm so gently, before rolling Lex' sleeve back down.

	"Lex," Clark says softly, looking up at his new friend. He puts a gentle, loving hand on Lex's shoulder.

	Lex turns his head away, gritting his teeth against the tears. Clark has saved him yet another time. His savior has saved him from doing something drastic. From doing something that Clark must think is horrible. From doing something that will make Lex feel alive. Because only in death, will Lex ever feel truly alive.

*if I could start again, a million miles away,
I will keep myself, I would find a way*