A Paler Shade of Gray
It was dark. A steady rain beat down upon the unprotected city, washing away the dirt and grime of the previous day. Long rivulets traced their way down frosty windowpanes and the reflections of streetlights on puddles turned them into pools of blood. Looking down, one might become lost in the shadowy mirror images reflected in the water and find themselves unable to ever return. The water ran through alleyways and parks, taking away the comfort of the familiar and the security of numbers until everything was gray. Tonight the rain fell on Midgar.
A tall, dark apartment building hunched dismally along one of the main streets, permanently stained the color of dust and chalk from the constant bustle of city life. A tattered and faded Loveless poster hung forgotten against one wall, the rain soaking into the already colorless paper. Few lights were on this late, and only the occasional flicker of a lamp from somewhere deep inside betrayed any flicker of life.
In dusky apartment far above, Yuffie Kisaragi sat in the darkness. Her body rigid, she sat on a small blue sofa, her back to the outside window, staring straight ahead. The lights from the television played across her face, occasionally illuminating the expressionless set of her mouth and her blank staring eyes. There was no sound, but it made no difference. She would not have heard it anyway.
It was almost four a.m., and dawn was not far off. Unconsciously, Yuffie's hands clenched even more tightly, and her nails dug unnoticed into her palms. Anxiety had died away several hours ago, in the longest hours of the night, to be replaced with a cold certainty. Emotion had been sealed away, and Yuffie was filled with only emptiness. She felt dead; chilled to the bone even though the apartment was quite warm. She had been waiting all night, but had abandoned hope around midnight. When she had realized that he wasn't coming home, she'd been hit hard. For a fleeting instant, the world had crystallized around her and come into focus, and then it had been once again snatched away back into the darkness. As insight fell away, a sharp pain like a knife to the heart had caused Yuffie to gasp for breath determined to elude her. Trying to blink away the mist forming in her eyes, she'd stumbled over to the couch and dropped onto it. She'd sat for nearly an hour before it occurred to her to turn on the TV. Still, she didn't move.
In a sense, Yuffie had always been waiting for Reno. His bad-boy attitude, lighting fast wit and good looks had instantly taken her in. He lived in a world filled with shadows, both real and imagined, and this intrigued Yuffie to no end. He had something Yuffie had never encountered before; he was the ghost haunting every forgotten side street; he was the watcher from the rooftops, the one who listened to your footsteps in the rain. At first it had been only a schoolgirl crush and she, someone he tolerated. She'd been infatuated by the danger and mystery that always seemed to surround him, and he, amused, humored her. It all would have come to nothing if Reno had managed to keep his usual distance. But because she was so persistent, and he had to admit it, damned cute, he'd let his guard slip. And so it came to be that one starry night at Goldsaucer, Yuffie had realized there was a person behind the face. It had been that night that she'd fallen in love with him.
He was a man tormented by his demons almost as literally as Vincent Valentine. Wherever he was recognized, he was hated. Although he was fearless, he always kept an eye cast over his shoulder. Yuffie had never asked him if he was sorry for the things he'd done as a Turk, she didn't dare. Some questions are, as the saying goes, better left unanswered. But his past clung to him in other ways as well. His previous life as a professional devil had left him with scars both physical and mental. Missions had left long white tracks across his body, and he'd warned her early on never to ask about the pale streaks etched under each eye. Still, it was really the lifestyle, the job itself that had done the most damage. As a Turk he'd been a fervent alcoholic, and though he'd tried hard, for her, to stop, it was never quite that easy. Also, late at night when they lay together, Yuffie would notice scars on his arm that didn't quite match the others. They were too careful, too precise. Her only comfort on these nights was that they were old and faded with time.
Yuffie knew that everything was not as 'fine and good' as Reno pretended either. In the middle of the night, he would wake up sweat soaked and shaking. Yuffie was the one to wrap her arms around him and whisper quietly that everything was okay until he finally fell asleep holding her tightly against him. Yuffie would lie awake, and wonder where he went when he slept, and what he saw that could do that to him. Never in his waking life had she ever seen him frightened. But she would never ask, and he would never tell. Only Reno knew what went on behind his closed eyes, and because he loved Yuffie too he would protect her from them for as long as he was able. It never occurred to him that she might be willing to - might want to - share his pain so as to make it a little lighter for him.
And it would work, for a time. Reno worked in some dreary desk job downtown, and Yuffie bought and sold Materia on the side. It wasn't much, but they made enough to live in relative comfort. Reno worked from nine to five, and Yuffie whatever hours she felt like. During the early days they'd gone out on the town and partied it up with the rest of the city. They'd done romantic dinners and gone to the hottest clubs. They still did, sometimes, but not like before. Never like before.
It would happen suddenly, never predictably. One night Reno would disappear and leave Yuffie alone and afraid in the dark waiting for him to come home. It was always over something little, too. Something small would go wrong, and Reno's hold would fall to pieces. He would return in the early hours of the morning, drunk out of his mind and with little or no self-control. The worst part was that he was always sorry. He never meant what he said or did; it was the demons that had found a weak spot. He would always plead with her to forgive him, and she always did. Because he always meant it and because she knew that if she ever left he would break completely.
Sitting on the couch with only the sound of the cars on the highway to keep her company, Yuffie could not cry. She'd shed all her tear of self- pity long ago and she had none left to soothe the gnawing pain inside her. She just stared into the night and thought of nothing; her only defense and link to sanity.
The door clattered open and Yuffie's heart leapt. Along with it, she jumped to her feet and opened her mouth to say something, but she faltered. Her heart froze. Reno stood in the doorway, hunched over, right hand clutching his left arm which was torn and bloody. His lower lip was swollen and a dark bruise ran up left cheek. Letting a small cry escape her lips she started to run towards him, but again she was stopped short. Reno's head came up, and his dark blue eyes stared at her furiously. They glittered with suppressed anger and hatred, and when there was no light to shine in them they looked blacker than the deepest pits of hell. There was nothing of the Reno she knew in those eyes; he was like a man possessed.
"Stay the hell away from me!" He spat the words at her venomously, almost a growl.
If the darkness hadn't hidden her face, Yuffie's large violet eyes would have betrayed her confusion.
"Re. . . Reno?"
"Who else would it be!? Who else would come back to you!?" The last was said with a slur and a smirk, and the laughter that followed was mocking. Yuffie said nothing. She could think of nothing to say.
Reno began to walk forward, feet padding catlike across the carpet, and despite his injuries his dark form was menacing.
"You wanna know where I've been, huh!? You always fucking do."
Yuffie shook her head and took an involuntary step backwards.
"No."
"Course ya do! So I'll tell you."
In a second he was suddenly standing in front of her, hands tightly gripping her shoulders. His breath smelled strongly of alcohol and smoke, and the anger in his eyes blazed. His fingers bit viciously into her shoulder, but she refused to let him know that he was causing her pain. Her gaze traveled from his hands to his face, and the twisted emotions she found there caused her own face to pale. Reno's evil smile widened, and, half shadowed, his face looked truly demonic.
"I met this girl at the bar. Older n' you, probably 'bout my age. She seemed to think there was something good in me." He leered at Yuffie. "I guess I showed her."
"What did you. . ."
"We wen' out back; she seemed to wanta have a little fun. So I showed her what i's like to mess with a Turk."
"Reno, please, I don't want to. . ."
"Want to what?" He cut her off sharply. All the intoxication was gone from his voice. Only cutting anger remained. "Hear about it? Well your gonna damn well hear 'bout it anyway. We had 'fun' alright, but I bet it wasn't what she was expectin'. I'll tell you one thing, though, she was one good fuck."
Yuffie closed her eyes, and twisted her head to the side. She ran a random song she'd heard that day on the radio through her head and tried to convince herself that she couldn't hear him. She realized dimly that it was the song Reno had sung to her in the kitchen that morning. He had been trying to make her smile, and they had both wound up collapsed in a heap on the floor laughing helplessly. He laughed again now, but it was high and cruel. He shook her violently.
"What'sa matter, babe? Jealous? Don't worry, I can still show you a good time too."
She hit the floor before she knew what was happening. Reno straddled her waist, a sneer across his face. His hands ran up and down her body, before coming together to grapple with the front of her white blouse.
"Reno! Stop!"
But instead he only laughed and a slap rang out. The red print on Yuffie's cheek burned, and before she could react Reno had grabbed both of her hands with one of his, and had slipped the other hand down to finish undoing her shirt. The material was silky, and Yuffie shivered as it slid across her skin. Reno's mouth slowly, teasingly traveled across her stomach and upwards. She gasped a little in the darkness and tried halfheartedly to fight back. Taking this in stride, Reno's free hand dropped to her thigh and forced her skirt up. Yuffie head was forced backwards as Reno continued with his lips up her throat. She took a desperate breath, but as she did so his mouth came down to meet hers. His tongue plunged into her mouth, and Yuffie tasted blood. She closed her eyes, and let her reflexes take over.
Reno went sprawling over. Yuffie was not a ninja for nothing. Just because she was no longer traveling with Avalanche did not mean that she'd let herself go to seed. Reno swore angrily, and climbed clumsily to his feet. Yuffie was already standing. Not seeming to think at all, he started for Yuffie again who immediately went into defensive stance. Her fists raised, she watched him warily. The girl who had never even been afraid of Sephiroth was now feeling the perfect high of terror race through her veins, freezing her. Reno continued to advance, eyes smoldering, lip curled. Making a grab for her wrist, he didn't see the fist go flying until he smashed into the wall.
This time, he didn't move. Instead, a switch almost seemed to click inside his head, and something behind eyes swam into focus. Just like that. Staring at Yuffie in horror, he slid slowly to the floor. Clothing torn and filthy, hair disheveled and himself injured, he was a pitiful sight. No, no longer was he the confidant ex-Turk he projected to the world. Instead, he brought up his hands and stared at them as if in wonder. With no more than that, he buried his face in his hands and began to cry.
Yuffie instantly dropped her arms. Reno slumped against the wall. All the devils had abandoned him, fleeing and leaving him with the aftermath, the pain. When he lifted his eyes and met Yuffie's, her heart broke.
"Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods. . ." He said it over and over again, quietly, to himself. His teeth clenched and he wrenched his gaze away from Yuffie's just before collapsing completely. Crying inside as she could no longer on the outside, Yuffie caught him in her arms as tears coursed down his face.
"Oh gods, Yuffie. . . I'm so sorry. . . I'm so sorry. . ."
Yuffie held him as he sobbed. Her eyes empty and face blank, she stared out the window at the morning sky. Dawn was coming, but the clouds covered its face. The rain continued to pour, and Midgar lay in the pale darkness. People died here and lives were forever changed, for better or for worse, every second of every day. It was a place of no pity, no remorse and no hope. Far away, the sun spilled over the horizon, but lost in the city of broken dreams, it was just a paler shade of gray.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Author's Note: Well. this was darker and raunchier than usual. I've had this one stuck in my head for a long time now, so I finally got around to writing it out. I was listening to Eden by Sarah Brightman while writing this, so that might explain the mood. Anyway, thanks to everyone who's been patient with me about finishing After the Storm; I love you all. I guess this one's for you guys. : )
It was dark. A steady rain beat down upon the unprotected city, washing away the dirt and grime of the previous day. Long rivulets traced their way down frosty windowpanes and the reflections of streetlights on puddles turned them into pools of blood. Looking down, one might become lost in the shadowy mirror images reflected in the water and find themselves unable to ever return. The water ran through alleyways and parks, taking away the comfort of the familiar and the security of numbers until everything was gray. Tonight the rain fell on Midgar.
A tall, dark apartment building hunched dismally along one of the main streets, permanently stained the color of dust and chalk from the constant bustle of city life. A tattered and faded Loveless poster hung forgotten against one wall, the rain soaking into the already colorless paper. Few lights were on this late, and only the occasional flicker of a lamp from somewhere deep inside betrayed any flicker of life.
In dusky apartment far above, Yuffie Kisaragi sat in the darkness. Her body rigid, she sat on a small blue sofa, her back to the outside window, staring straight ahead. The lights from the television played across her face, occasionally illuminating the expressionless set of her mouth and her blank staring eyes. There was no sound, but it made no difference. She would not have heard it anyway.
It was almost four a.m., and dawn was not far off. Unconsciously, Yuffie's hands clenched even more tightly, and her nails dug unnoticed into her palms. Anxiety had died away several hours ago, in the longest hours of the night, to be replaced with a cold certainty. Emotion had been sealed away, and Yuffie was filled with only emptiness. She felt dead; chilled to the bone even though the apartment was quite warm. She had been waiting all night, but had abandoned hope around midnight. When she had realized that he wasn't coming home, she'd been hit hard. For a fleeting instant, the world had crystallized around her and come into focus, and then it had been once again snatched away back into the darkness. As insight fell away, a sharp pain like a knife to the heart had caused Yuffie to gasp for breath determined to elude her. Trying to blink away the mist forming in her eyes, she'd stumbled over to the couch and dropped onto it. She'd sat for nearly an hour before it occurred to her to turn on the TV. Still, she didn't move.
In a sense, Yuffie had always been waiting for Reno. His bad-boy attitude, lighting fast wit and good looks had instantly taken her in. He lived in a world filled with shadows, both real and imagined, and this intrigued Yuffie to no end. He had something Yuffie had never encountered before; he was the ghost haunting every forgotten side street; he was the watcher from the rooftops, the one who listened to your footsteps in the rain. At first it had been only a schoolgirl crush and she, someone he tolerated. She'd been infatuated by the danger and mystery that always seemed to surround him, and he, amused, humored her. It all would have come to nothing if Reno had managed to keep his usual distance. But because she was so persistent, and he had to admit it, damned cute, he'd let his guard slip. And so it came to be that one starry night at Goldsaucer, Yuffie had realized there was a person behind the face. It had been that night that she'd fallen in love with him.
He was a man tormented by his demons almost as literally as Vincent Valentine. Wherever he was recognized, he was hated. Although he was fearless, he always kept an eye cast over his shoulder. Yuffie had never asked him if he was sorry for the things he'd done as a Turk, she didn't dare. Some questions are, as the saying goes, better left unanswered. But his past clung to him in other ways as well. His previous life as a professional devil had left him with scars both physical and mental. Missions had left long white tracks across his body, and he'd warned her early on never to ask about the pale streaks etched under each eye. Still, it was really the lifestyle, the job itself that had done the most damage. As a Turk he'd been a fervent alcoholic, and though he'd tried hard, for her, to stop, it was never quite that easy. Also, late at night when they lay together, Yuffie would notice scars on his arm that didn't quite match the others. They were too careful, too precise. Her only comfort on these nights was that they were old and faded with time.
Yuffie knew that everything was not as 'fine and good' as Reno pretended either. In the middle of the night, he would wake up sweat soaked and shaking. Yuffie was the one to wrap her arms around him and whisper quietly that everything was okay until he finally fell asleep holding her tightly against him. Yuffie would lie awake, and wonder where he went when he slept, and what he saw that could do that to him. Never in his waking life had she ever seen him frightened. But she would never ask, and he would never tell. Only Reno knew what went on behind his closed eyes, and because he loved Yuffie too he would protect her from them for as long as he was able. It never occurred to him that she might be willing to - might want to - share his pain so as to make it a little lighter for him.
And it would work, for a time. Reno worked in some dreary desk job downtown, and Yuffie bought and sold Materia on the side. It wasn't much, but they made enough to live in relative comfort. Reno worked from nine to five, and Yuffie whatever hours she felt like. During the early days they'd gone out on the town and partied it up with the rest of the city. They'd done romantic dinners and gone to the hottest clubs. They still did, sometimes, but not like before. Never like before.
It would happen suddenly, never predictably. One night Reno would disappear and leave Yuffie alone and afraid in the dark waiting for him to come home. It was always over something little, too. Something small would go wrong, and Reno's hold would fall to pieces. He would return in the early hours of the morning, drunk out of his mind and with little or no self-control. The worst part was that he was always sorry. He never meant what he said or did; it was the demons that had found a weak spot. He would always plead with her to forgive him, and she always did. Because he always meant it and because she knew that if she ever left he would break completely.
Sitting on the couch with only the sound of the cars on the highway to keep her company, Yuffie could not cry. She'd shed all her tear of self- pity long ago and she had none left to soothe the gnawing pain inside her. She just stared into the night and thought of nothing; her only defense and link to sanity.
The door clattered open and Yuffie's heart leapt. Along with it, she jumped to her feet and opened her mouth to say something, but she faltered. Her heart froze. Reno stood in the doorway, hunched over, right hand clutching his left arm which was torn and bloody. His lower lip was swollen and a dark bruise ran up left cheek. Letting a small cry escape her lips she started to run towards him, but again she was stopped short. Reno's head came up, and his dark blue eyes stared at her furiously. They glittered with suppressed anger and hatred, and when there was no light to shine in them they looked blacker than the deepest pits of hell. There was nothing of the Reno she knew in those eyes; he was like a man possessed.
"Stay the hell away from me!" He spat the words at her venomously, almost a growl.
If the darkness hadn't hidden her face, Yuffie's large violet eyes would have betrayed her confusion.
"Re. . . Reno?"
"Who else would it be!? Who else would come back to you!?" The last was said with a slur and a smirk, and the laughter that followed was mocking. Yuffie said nothing. She could think of nothing to say.
Reno began to walk forward, feet padding catlike across the carpet, and despite his injuries his dark form was menacing.
"You wanna know where I've been, huh!? You always fucking do."
Yuffie shook her head and took an involuntary step backwards.
"No."
"Course ya do! So I'll tell you."
In a second he was suddenly standing in front of her, hands tightly gripping her shoulders. His breath smelled strongly of alcohol and smoke, and the anger in his eyes blazed. His fingers bit viciously into her shoulder, but she refused to let him know that he was causing her pain. Her gaze traveled from his hands to his face, and the twisted emotions she found there caused her own face to pale. Reno's evil smile widened, and, half shadowed, his face looked truly demonic.
"I met this girl at the bar. Older n' you, probably 'bout my age. She seemed to think there was something good in me." He leered at Yuffie. "I guess I showed her."
"What did you. . ."
"We wen' out back; she seemed to wanta have a little fun. So I showed her what i's like to mess with a Turk."
"Reno, please, I don't want to. . ."
"Want to what?" He cut her off sharply. All the intoxication was gone from his voice. Only cutting anger remained. "Hear about it? Well your gonna damn well hear 'bout it anyway. We had 'fun' alright, but I bet it wasn't what she was expectin'. I'll tell you one thing, though, she was one good fuck."
Yuffie closed her eyes, and twisted her head to the side. She ran a random song she'd heard that day on the radio through her head and tried to convince herself that she couldn't hear him. She realized dimly that it was the song Reno had sung to her in the kitchen that morning. He had been trying to make her smile, and they had both wound up collapsed in a heap on the floor laughing helplessly. He laughed again now, but it was high and cruel. He shook her violently.
"What'sa matter, babe? Jealous? Don't worry, I can still show you a good time too."
She hit the floor before she knew what was happening. Reno straddled her waist, a sneer across his face. His hands ran up and down her body, before coming together to grapple with the front of her white blouse.
"Reno! Stop!"
But instead he only laughed and a slap rang out. The red print on Yuffie's cheek burned, and before she could react Reno had grabbed both of her hands with one of his, and had slipped the other hand down to finish undoing her shirt. The material was silky, and Yuffie shivered as it slid across her skin. Reno's mouth slowly, teasingly traveled across her stomach and upwards. She gasped a little in the darkness and tried halfheartedly to fight back. Taking this in stride, Reno's free hand dropped to her thigh and forced her skirt up. Yuffie head was forced backwards as Reno continued with his lips up her throat. She took a desperate breath, but as she did so his mouth came down to meet hers. His tongue plunged into her mouth, and Yuffie tasted blood. She closed her eyes, and let her reflexes take over.
Reno went sprawling over. Yuffie was not a ninja for nothing. Just because she was no longer traveling with Avalanche did not mean that she'd let herself go to seed. Reno swore angrily, and climbed clumsily to his feet. Yuffie was already standing. Not seeming to think at all, he started for Yuffie again who immediately went into defensive stance. Her fists raised, she watched him warily. The girl who had never even been afraid of Sephiroth was now feeling the perfect high of terror race through her veins, freezing her. Reno continued to advance, eyes smoldering, lip curled. Making a grab for her wrist, he didn't see the fist go flying until he smashed into the wall.
This time, he didn't move. Instead, a switch almost seemed to click inside his head, and something behind eyes swam into focus. Just like that. Staring at Yuffie in horror, he slid slowly to the floor. Clothing torn and filthy, hair disheveled and himself injured, he was a pitiful sight. No, no longer was he the confidant ex-Turk he projected to the world. Instead, he brought up his hands and stared at them as if in wonder. With no more than that, he buried his face in his hands and began to cry.
Yuffie instantly dropped her arms. Reno slumped against the wall. All the devils had abandoned him, fleeing and leaving him with the aftermath, the pain. When he lifted his eyes and met Yuffie's, her heart broke.
"Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods. . ." He said it over and over again, quietly, to himself. His teeth clenched and he wrenched his gaze away from Yuffie's just before collapsing completely. Crying inside as she could no longer on the outside, Yuffie caught him in her arms as tears coursed down his face.
"Oh gods, Yuffie. . . I'm so sorry. . . I'm so sorry. . ."
Yuffie held him as he sobbed. Her eyes empty and face blank, she stared out the window at the morning sky. Dawn was coming, but the clouds covered its face. The rain continued to pour, and Midgar lay in the pale darkness. People died here and lives were forever changed, for better or for worse, every second of every day. It was a place of no pity, no remorse and no hope. Far away, the sun spilled over the horizon, but lost in the city of broken dreams, it was just a paler shade of gray.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Author's Note: Well. this was darker and raunchier than usual. I've had this one stuck in my head for a long time now, so I finally got around to writing it out. I was listening to Eden by Sarah Brightman while writing this, so that might explain the mood. Anyway, thanks to everyone who's been patient with me about finishing After the Storm; I love you all. I guess this one's for you guys. : )