A/N: Sorry for the delay but I was flooded with a bunch of other things. Hopefully I'll have Graduation Day (Part XVI) up by the weekend. Well, for those who have been waiting, the first chapter of Severed Ties, the sequel to Family Ties will be up sometime this week as well. Well, hope you enjoy the Spike/Dawn moment. Its not as angsty as the Buffy/Garrett thing and also unlike that one, I won't leave you hanging…
P.S. Oh, and by the by, if you have something negative to say in your reviews, I don't mind. However, I do not like when people write their opinions trashing a fic without signing his/her name and/or email. If you're brave enough to trash, be brave enough to say who you are or where you can be reached. And on that note, those who have suggestions, places where I can work on or what not, suggest away. I become better when people let me know what I did well and what I may need to work on. As long as you do it in a non-trashing manner, I have no problem whatsoever with someone pointing out a deficiency. Hell, I'm always looking for the weak parts of my fictions. So I love those who have suggested things to me and though I may not follow it all or agree with it all, I do take all suggestions into consideration. Thanks again for your reviews and emails and, like I said, leave any and all suggestions.
Do What You Have To Do
Part XV
It didn't take thirty seconds after situating himself in the back of Willow's Neon that Spike started grumbling about leaving Buffy alone with Garrett. Of course, he didn't out and out say it but the two women in the front seat didn't need to hear it to discern Spike's sullen mood. They traded smiles at one another, content to talk about the upcoming summer while glancing in the rearview to catch glimpses of the moody ex-vampire.
Spike was oblivious to the amused scrutiny of the two women up front, instead intent on having himself a good sulk. His thoughts were a swarm, rising and falling, not quite in sync yet moving decidedly in the same direction: Buffy and Garrett alone.
To be honest, Spike knew that he had no say in what Buffy did and didn't do, considering that he was the detestable sod that left for two years without a word. It was unreasonable (and down right ballsy) to think that he had a leg to stand on. Well, that was what the rational part of him preached. Of course, 'rational' was not what Spike would call his forte. He was more accustomed to living on the cusps of irrational (in)sanity, treading that fine line between emotional meltdown and villainous coolness, both of which were responsible for his fair share of trouble in good old Sunny Hell.
I love this town, he thought sardonically, closing his eyes. In truth, no other place held memories as painful as the quaint town. Though he had done his fair share of ass-kicking here, he had also been beat down and bloodied more than his liking and that wasn't limited to just the physical variety. No, his already unstable psyche had been dealt a crippling blow the first time he laid eyes on the slayer, though that was knowledge he had only figured out recently. In fact, the emotional damage he had received (all of which led back to the slayer in some way, shape or form, thank you very much) far surpassed any physical injuries he had suffered. Yet here he was, back again on a promise to stay. The more he thought about it, the more Buffy's words in the abandoned building made sense. He was in love with pain then, invigorated into some masochistic frenzy at the internal ache he received at every slice of Buffy's quick-witted and highly accurate tongue. She had said he loved getting beat down by her words and her fists and she was right and not only then but now as well.
Spike was still addicted to the pain. After all, it was his only rationalization for still being here.
"Isn't that right, Spike?" Dawn's innocent voice filtered through the distortion in the former vampire's mind.
"What was that, Bit?" Spike sat up in his seat and focused on the young woman in the passenger's seat.
"Oh, I was just saying that it seems as if vampires—or ex-vamps, as the case may be—of a certain order tend to brood more so than those of other orders."
"What are you tryin' to say, Niblet?" Spike asked warningly. The crankiness he was feeling came to the fore and he was sure that, if her were still a vampire, his game face would have shifted into place.
"Nothing," she sung sweetly before examining her nails. Spike buried the growl rising in his chest with a cough that sounded an awful lot like 'bullshit'. It wasn't until he saw the amused smirks on the two women's faces that Spike knew he'd been had.
"Ha-bloody-ha," he drawled and 'accidentally' kicked the backs of both seats. "So bloody mature you two."
"Oh and you are the paragon of maturity back there," Willow deadpanned.
Dawn turned in her seat and gave her former (and possibly future) best friend with a sympathetic blame. "Spike, come on. It's not like she's going to go run away with him."
"Not yet," he muttered and crossed his arms.
"Spike," Willow said and eyed him in the rearview mirror, "you've got to understand, two years have passed since you guys have seen each other. She's started a new life and everything, complete with her own beau. You can't expect her to just drop everything for you." Though her words carried sympathy and support typical of the red head, the words still stung Spike.
"S'not what I was thinkin', Red," he replied sharply.
Willow bit her lip, hesitant to speak about her own insights into Buffy's train of thought. She didn't want to push the former lovers in any direction that they weren't ready to travel on their own. Instead, she looked to Dawn, beckoning the brunette to speak for her.
"No, you didn't say it, but you were sure as hell thinking it."
"Niblet…"
"No, Spike, you have to listen, okay? The fact of the matter is what happened between you and Buffy was messed up. Now, while it was primarily Buffy's fault, you weren't totally blameless either."
"Don't I know it," he conceded, sadness coating his tongue.
"I may not know it all but I do know that she did—does—care for you. I'm really not sure where her head's at," Dawn conceded. "I mean, the last few months have been pretty tough for her and though she doesn't act like it at all, her eyes sometimes has that post-resurrection glaze to them. Now, whether that was due to her feelings for you that seemed to re-emerge or her nerves on being engaged is anyone's guess."
"So what are you saying, Niblet?"
"What she's saying," Willow interjected, "is that you need to stop worrying about what Buffy's doing. You have to live for you." Spike motioned to speak but Willow held up her hand and he graciously closed his mouth.
"I know you're trying, Spike. And it's hella hard, believe me, I know. But you really have to get yourself focused on what you want to accomplish aside from Buffy." The red head gave him an encouraging smile in the rearview and Spike returned it before staring back out the window, watching the passing shadows of the night.
The remainder of the drive was taken in silence as all three occupants had their own personal demons to tame. Even after two years, Willow and Spike were at times haunted by the untouchable path and continuously had to learn to adjust to things that the other Scoobies could never comprehend. Though it was left unsaid, they both saw the other as a kindred spirit, responsible for unforgivable acts yet had been forgiven all the same. Still, they had not completely forgiven themselves and they knew that that final act would be the most difficult of all to achieve.
As for Dawn, the next several hours would change her life forever. At this time tomorrow, she would be a high school graduate, on her final stop before hitting the real world. And then, in less than thirty minutes, she would have one of the most important talks of her life with someone that had been her best friend, her only friend. Though it had felt like old times during the dinner, Dawn couldn't help the resentment she still harbored towards Spike for leaving her two years ago. It wasn't that she didn't understand why he had to leave but that knowledge didn't soothe the ache that was still present in her chest. Only time and acceptance could accomplish that.
She just hoped that she could accept him back into her heart like she had done in what seemed so long ago.
*&*
We talk to Willow for a few minutes before she pulls off. Looking at one another briefly, we trudge up the walkway and to the steps with Dawn taking the lead. My bloody heart is pounding almost as much as it had when Buffy showed up at my club. 'Course, this particular confrontation I'm prepared for. Well, that may not be exactly the truth but who is ever prepared for the Wrath of Dawn?
The minute squeak of the door opening brings my attention back to the present and I enter the premises at Niblet's behest. Not even bothering to take my jacket off, I head straight for the back porch, muttering something about getting air.
As I close the door behind me, I let out a breath I had no idea I was holding before taking a seat on the concrete steps. Staring up at the stars, I think about the times me and the slayer sat out on these very steps, sometimes talking, other times sitting in silence. Every time, though, it was something we both needed, that companionship between two warriors, once mortal enemies. Hell, who could understand us any better than the other? It's the same soddin' reason I thought we belonged together in other ways. Won't even go into my right nice epiphany concerning me and Buffy 'belonging together'. Still, that doesn't mean I don't want to be with her. Hell, if I have to spend the rest of my bleedin' life bettering myself for her, then I will. I know that may not be quite on line with what Red told me but at the same time it won't just be for her I'm bettering myself for, now will it?
The squeak of the back door opening breaks me from my thoughts and I crane my neck to see Dawn, dressed in a simple t-shirt and shorts. Her hair is tied in a sloppy ponytail and all remnants of make-up have been obliterated. I realize that even without the fanciness of make-up and designer wear that this is both the same Dawn that I had left as well as an all-together different person.
"Beautiful night," she says and her eyes scour the night sky.
"It is," I agree and turn my gaze back to the clear night though my peripheral remains on her. It doesn't take much to know that she's just as tense as I am. I risk a glance and see how her tension is a fluorescent glow and it burns me. I want nothing more than to erase it from her once and for all. What 'urts more than anything is the fact that I am the reason for her pain. Pathetic sod that I am, I still think a kind word and a pat on the back can make it better. S'not that easy, never will be, either.
I unbutton my shirt and thank the cool air that immediately scratches my chest with its invisible tendrils. Exhaling deeply, I close my eyes, committing to memory this tranquil feeling that bleeds into me just by havin' my girl here next to me. How many nights had I sat with Rachel after the bar closed, just talking? True, many of my words and emotions had been tangled up in the memories of my radiant slayer yet just as many broke from my lips about the powerful young woman that sits by me now. Often I'd go on and on about Dawn; how we broke into the Magic Box or she snuck to my crypt to 'ear stories 'bout my times in Europe. Sometimes, when I missed the 'Bit most, I'd tell Rachel how she kept me together during those hundred and forty-seven days…at times I missed 'er more than I missed Buffy. I guess it was because, with Dawn, I never 'ad to pretend, never 'ad to worry 'bout ridicule and disgusted looks. She accepted me like no one ever 'ad, save for my own Mum and Joyce. She trusted me like no one before and when I…I betrayed her trust. Still can't believe that she hasn't…
"Why did you do it, Spike?"
Guess I thought too soon.
"Dawn," I turn to look at her and the tears running down her cheeks cuts off my air. It 'urts so much to see her like this, vulnerable and upset. 'Urts even more to know that I'm the cause of her pain.
"Why did you do it?" Her voice is shaky yet filled with conviction.
"Bit…" I reach for her but she jerks away.
"Don't call me…"
**
"…That," I whisper and Spike's hand freezes in midair. He turns away from me; I guess my anger did come across after all. It's weird, really. I want so bad to shout and scream but I'm pretty sure smacking him in the face the other day alleviated some of my aggression. But there's still that dying spark of hate I had developed against him two years ago not to mention the anger I still have about what he did to Buffy. I know she's forgiven him and, in a way, I have too. Still, I have to know.
"Are you going to answer my question?" The tremor is gone from my voice though my whole body is vibrating and I hug myself tightly. I belatedly notice that I'm crying but right now I'm more focused on Spike and what he has to say.
"Bit…Dawn," he wipes angrily at his eyes before facing me again. "I…I didn't know…"
"What?" I demand, the anger resurfacing at the unspoken words I hear in my mind. "You didn't know what you were doing? You were out of your mind?" I stand up, fists clenched at my sides and I stare into the blue oceans of Spike's eyes. I remember the crush I used to have on him--I used to dream of those eyes staring at me like they did Buffy. During that summer, it all changed. I still had a crush on him but it was different. I looked to those eyes for comfort and strength, strength I did not have. He always was there for me, his lips twisted in a sad smile. That remembered sadness is reflected in his face now, except that there is no smile, only a deep depression that I take notice of for the first time.
"Spike," I whisper as my angry core incinerates and all that's left is a dull ache. I think maturity is kicking in and I sit back down, scooting a little closer to him. He doesn't look at me, his eyes finding something fascinating about his shoes. I want to touch him, but decide against it, afraid that he'll pull away like I did. I know I deserve it but I don't think my heart could take it. Turning to stare into the emptiness of the back yard, I wait for him to speak.
"Dawn," he says after several thought-provoking minutes of silence, "before I say anything, I want you to know how sorry I am. For 'urtin' big sis, for leavin' like I did. I know…I know it really 'urt when you found out what I did. If I could take it back, even now, I'd give this bloody soul, my bloody existence for Buffy never to have to go through that.
"But I can't. That's the bloody wonderful thing about the past," he bolsters and tiny smile tickles my lips. For a moment, he sounds so much like the old Spike but his next words, or rather the emotion behind them weaves into my soul how much he has changed.
"No matter how 'ard you try, the past is just that; the past." He sighs and I can almost feel the burden he carries on his shoulders. God, to have killed so many people and wake up one day and feel remorse about it, that's bad enough. But to top that off with hurting the one person he loves more than anyone else, ever, is a bloody knife turned in an already wounded heart.
"Spike," I say and touch him for the first time since being out here. He tenses noticeably but doesn't pull away and it encourages me to close the distance between us even more. My arm drapes across his shoulders and our legs are touching. I pat his knee with my left hand before trying to put on a genuine smile for him. I guess he feels it because he finally looks up and offers me one in return.
"The thing is," he continues, "is that I really don't know why I did it. I can't say I was out o' my mind or anything like that. Yeah, I wanted her to love me, to make her see but why I did what I did? Honestly, Bit, I don't think I'll ever really know. And that is why I can't ever forgive myself."
"But you know you won't do it again," I state and he nods bitterly.
"I know but it still doesn't change what I did."
"And yet you still want to be with her," I point out. "That doesn't make any sense."
"How do you mean?"
"The way you talk, it tells me that you don't think you are worthy of her yet you still want to be with her. It seems if you wanted to torture yourself, you'd refuse to have anything to do with her. You sure as hell wouldn't be making a play for her. Shit, if you wanted to punish yourself, you would have stayed in San Diego."
"Since when has anything I've done really made sense?" He jokes and we both chuckle at the same times. The thing is that he's right and…
***
…Dawn knows it. Bugger if I know what I'm thinking half the time. But what she doesn't see is that being here, not being able to be with Buffy, is a greater punishment than never having seen her again. I know I told her that I still want her and I do but I know she won't pick me. No one ever has. And maybe, just maybe the pain I'll feel will be penance enough for the suffering I have caused in twelve decades.
We sit there in silence for quite sometime, taking comfort in each other's company, though I know we're silent because we don't want to bring up the issue that…
"You left," Dawn says tonelessly and I grind my teeth together. This is exactly what I haven't been looking forward to.
"Dawn…" I start but she cuts me off again.
"You said you'd protect me till the end of the world. Isn't that what you told Buffy?" She turns to me and I expect to see anger but all that greets me is a limitless well of pain and fear and my insides churn at the knowledge that it's my fault that she feels like this.
I turn away from her, once again ashamed of my failure. Not only did I fail to protect her on the tower that night but I failed to protect her against the one person I never thought would hurt her. Me.
"For so long, I felt bad," she starts again, "about what hurt more. I felt guilty that, despite what you did to Buffy, I hated you more for leaving me. Actually, the first few months, I kept praying that you would come back. I was still mad at what you did but I wanted nothing more than for you to be here." Her voice is shaky as she speaks and I touch the hand that she still has on my knee for support and she inhales deeply before continuing.
"Every night I would look out the window, expecting you to be hanging under the tree. Or when Buffy did let me come and patrol, I would beg her to stop by your crypt. She did sometimes but more often than not, she wouldn't. I think it was too painful for her still. After that first month, I started coming by after school, hoping against hope that you would be there. But you never were.
"And then," she squeezes my hand and I am made aware of the strength in this beautiful young woman, "one day I just, I just shut down. Tried to burn your coat before Buffy stopped me. I broke down that night and told her everything I felt about my life. That was the last time I cried."
"Until you saw me for the first time the other day," I choke out, the pain of her words clawing into my already damaged soul. I hang my head and stare at the concrete of the steps, vaguely aware of the drop of water that splashes between my legs. I see another one come and then another before Dawn gently lifts my chin up to face her. As much as I want to turn away, I know I owe her that much, to look her eye to eye.
"Spike, listen to me very carefully," I nod, acquiescing to the conviction of her voice. "I know what you're thinking; that seeing you hurt me and you're right, it did. But," she adds hurriedly before my increasing guilt drowns me, "it gave me back something I thought I lost."
"What…what do you mean?"
"After that night, with Buffy, after crying in her arms I was a totally different person. I didn't open up to anyone, even Buffy and I kept everyone but her at arm's length. But now…"
"But now?" I ask, unable to keep the hope out of my voice.
"Now, after seeing you, after talking to you, a weight has been lifted from my heart. And it's something that wouldn't have happened were it not for you."
"Dawn…"
" 'Bit," she smiles at me.
"What do you mean?"
"That's your name for me, right? Niblet. So, call me 'Bit."
I can't hold in my smile as it splits my face. "So you don't think you're too old for me to call you that?" I needle her but instead of smiling, she turns serious. I fidget, hoping I didn't say anything out of line but her words still my unsteady emotions.
"Spike, I love you so much. You're as much a part of me as Buffy is and I don't want to ever lose that again. Promise me that you'll always be there?" Her eyes are brimming with tears and the sincerity of her words locks my response deep in my chest.
When I don't respond right away, she clarifies. "I know you can't promise it realistically, but please, Spike, lie to me." The tears flow freely down her cheeks and I grab her up in my arms, wishing that I could protect her from everything that this world would throw at her. I know I can't do that and I won't tell her that I will. The only thing that I can tell her is…
"Dawn, baby, don't worry. I may not always be there in arms' reach of you but I will always, always, be there when you need me. No matter where we are in the world, no matter what's going on, if you ever need me for anything, I will be there. That is what I promise. On my life."
"Thank you," she whispers and I nestle her deeper into my arms.
"Till the end of the world, luv," I murmur in her ear, "till the end of the world."
***
The two reconnected best friends sat on the porch in companionable silence for the better part of an hour after Spike made his promise. There was no need for words as they communicated on a much deeper level, with smiles and playful shoves.
"Well, 'Bit," Spike said, draping an arm lazily across Dawn's shoulder, " 's about time for you to get to bed considering the day that's ahead of you."
"Yeah," she replied absently, twirling a lock of her hair around her finger.
"Nervous?"
"Yeah, I mean no…well, yeah. This is like such a big step in my life. In less than three months I'm going to be in college, in LA no less." Her excitement died down immediately and Spike furrowed his eyebrows at the sudden change.
"What's wrong, Niblet?"
"It's…it's just that you've just come back and here I am leaving before we even have time to…" But Spike pressed his fingers to her lips before kissing her on the forehead.
"Listen here, Bit. There will be none of that rot, okay? You are going out to better yourself, to make big sis and the Scoobies, not to mention your Mum, proud. You're going to grow to do great things, like Buffy has done for herself--it's just not gonna be in good old SunnyHell." He ruffled her hair playfully before continuing. "Besides, it's only two hours away. We could come up there every weekend, well, that is if you aren't already busy with all your friends and those LA prats I'm going to pummel if they look at you wrong."
"Spike," Dawn whined, elbowing him in the ribs. "But you are right, I guess I'm making a big deal about it all."
"Summers genes through and through."
"What do you mean?"
"Eh, blowin' things out o' bloody proportion."
"You're insufferable," she stomped to her feet and plastered her hands to her hips. Spike stood as well before laughing heartily.
"Summers through and through, like I said. So, are you knackered enough to call it a night?"
"Yes, Mary Poppins," she joked before jumping out of the way of his swiping hand.
"Summers women," he muttered, following her into the house, "they'll be the death of me yet."
***
"Spike," Dawn whispered, knocking lightly on his door. "You decent?"
"Yeah, 'Bit," he said, "C'mon in." He hadn't been in bed more than five minutes and already, he was being interrupted. His annoyance fluttered away when he saw the concern in her face. "What is it?"
"It's Buffy. I went by her room and I thought I heard crying."
"Did you check to make sure?" he asked, getting out of bed, thankful that he had worn sweatpants.
"No, I…I thought it'd be best if I got you."
"Okay," he said and threw on a shirt, following her to Buffy's door. Pressing his ear to the door, Spike made out the telltale sound of quiet sobs. Without second thought, he opened the door quietly and grabbed Dawn's hand.
Once in the room, they saw Buffy, her face buried deep into the pillow, her back partially towards the door. Motioning Dawn to go to the other side, Spike sidled up behind Buffy, pressing himself close while Dawn did the same from the other side. A part of him knew he shouldn't be doing this for various reasons but his overall concern for Buffy cancelled out those reasons.
"There now, luv," he whispered into Buffy's ear, "don't cry. I'm here. Me and the Bit. We're here for you and we always will be, pet. Remember that," he murmured and kissed her hair. Spike felt Buffy's body relax and her sobs trickle off into nothingness. As one hand rested on Buffy's waist, the other cradled her head and he pulled her closer to him.
As exhaustion began overtaking him, Spike's last thoughts were of his two girls. They were his family and, without them, he would be lost. He had been without them in his life for two years and now that they were back in it, he couldn't imagine having it any other way.