.
"The windows of my soul
Are made of one way glass
Where I'm going is clear
I don't have time for you to wonder
I'll just tell you why I'm here"
How did I end up like I did? I ask my self that all the time. In my mind I've replayed that first night between Draco and myself almost every day since. Pinpointing- no dissecting each thing I should have noticed, searching for things that should have told me of who he was and what he was capable of. I was young, and foolish. But straight out, I just wanted to live…if you can call this living.
My first morning here I think he was a little surprised that I actually stayed. I laid there on that sofa, waiting for him. Rehearsing what I should say until I heard regular morning sounds, the shower starting, and the water in the sink going. I'd gotten up already to prepare for what I was about to do, even though I my self wasn't sure of what I was doing.
He walked out here running his hands through his slightly wet hair, most likely he still had a bit of a head ache. But when his cold eyes landed on me they softened, it might have just been a fraction of gentleness, but I saw it.
"Can I…" I wasn't sure what to say. And all of a sudden my request sounded horrible to my ears, and my voice was so small and childish. I stood then and walked a bit over to him, I knew I had to play this for all I was worth, so I ran my hand up and down his chest "Will you let me…stay?"
I looked at him with my wide innocent eyes, not just asking but /begging/ for this 'privilege' with my slightly pouted lips.
He caught my wrist in his hand, holding tightly, bruising me. But he was still looking into my eyes, I tried not to look away.
*
His other hand then moved to Ginny's lower back, pulling her body to him like he did the night before. She couldn't help but shiver. Slowly he leaned down to kiss her, keeping a bit of eye contact, daring her to object. When he saw that she wasn't he continued.
Little kisses turned into deep ones, and then he moved down to her neck licking and sucking the already sore area. She gasped from pain, but whether he knew it or not she couldn't tell, nor did it surprise her that he still continued to hurt her. His hands were wandering over her now, first just touching, then clawing at her clothes. She let him take off the one barrier she had between himself and what he wanted.
He stopped and stared at her again, first looking over her body seeing the bruises and her womanly features. Then he looked into her eyes. He was going to test her again.
His hands moved to her shoulders, she hadn't really noticed until he put pressure on them. Pushing her down lightly then a bit harder, she kneeled in front of him. Particularly right in front of a certain part of him. He groaned and gritted his teeth as she rubbed her hand against him through his pants knowing what he wanted her to do now, and truthfully she was terrified. Looking up at him she was met with steely gray eyes 'Do it or leave' that was all she got from them.
Obediently she opened her mouth.
Draco smirked.
"The sky is gray
The sand is gray
And the ocean is gray
I feel right at home
In this stunning monocle
Alone in my way
I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dream
But as bad as I am
I'm proud of the fact
That I'm worse than my self"
I can't really remember what had happened the first night he gave me drugs. Although I crave the feeling now, the first time I thought I was going to die…actually I wasn't really thinking at all.
He was fucking me, and although he was a bit more conscience of what happened to my body, he'd had a bad day. And, as always, it was taken out on me. I wasn't ready for him either, which just made it worse, more blood than usual.
So I was relieved when he stopped, although confused because he hadn't cum yet. Before I knew what was happening he was tying something around my arm. I didn't want to make him any more aggravated than he was so I didn't ask what he was doing, but I sure as hell objected when I saw him pick up the needle. I've seen him do this some times, I didn't want it.
Then again, I never wanted any of this, did I?
He was stronger, and I was easily held down.
Though after it was in my blood…every thing was better. I felt free, like there was no reason to why I couldn't enjoy this 'activity' too, seeming as he resumed pounding into me after taking a hit himself. And for that one time, I with him, enjoyed having an orgasm. And I didn't feel my self tear or my now new bruises on bruises, not until morning any way.
Yes, this nothingness was better than what realities I had to face.
"And what kind of paradise
Am I looking
For
I got everything
I wanted
But still I want more
Maybe some tiny
Shiny
Key
Will wash up on the shore"
I try to live my life day to day, although I measure my life night by night. That's really what I'm for isn't it?
'I'm doing this to survive…I'm doing this to live…I'm doing this to survive…I'm doing this to live…' This she tells herself as he covers her body with his own. Every time he touches her, every time he causes her pain.
It wasn't really that hard to block out for the time being, although he'd just became angry if I didn't respond. Whether that meant whimpering and crying in pain, or a rare moan of pleasure. Yes, I'm punished for many things. Maybe even things I don't do, but I think he likes me this way. A helpless simpering dog at his beck and call, nipping behind his heels and following him about. And this is what I go through for life.
There are rumors of the Resistance, and that is what I'm hoping for. Praying to Goddess every night so that maybe the Light Side would have enough power to rise up.
For almost a year now I kneel by our bed before I kneel in front of him to satisfy his craving and I am left with only a wanting- a prayer for more than this.
Some times I feel like it's some one else I'm watching. That this has been a horrible dream and that I will wake up in my bed, Hermione sleeping on a cot near by…not in a mass unmarked grave. Mum would be down stairs right now making breakfast, instead of dying years ago of grief for loosing so many of her children and husband.
I never found out what happened to the rest of my family. Draco still doesn't know I'm a Weasley so I cannot ask him. And some times I even bring my self to think about Harry. Harry Potter. That name conjures up good times at the Burrow. Of summers filled with laughter and warmth…though now it seems I'm cold inside no matter what the season.
"And everything I do
Is judged
Mostly get it wrong
But oh well
The bathroom mirror has not budged
And the woman who lives there
Can tell
The truth from the stuff that
They say
But she looks me in
The eye
Says
Would you prefer the
Easy way
No, well ok
Don't cry"
I look back at this woman in the mirror. I don't know her, nor does any one else. She died along time ago, along with the last remaining members of The Order of the Phoenix. How long had it been that he's kept her?
"How fucking long?" she whispered to the girl in the mirror. She was now 19, and oh how she wished she wasn't.
This wasn't the same mirror Ginny used to stare into those first few weeks, for after that she couldn't stand to look at her self. But Draco had moved into a good-sized manor of his own upon turning 18 himself. Surprisingly he wanted her to come with him. As time past he wanted her to be his, not just in the bedroom anymore, but with a ring. She would never escape, as he would never tire of her.
And at that very moment she felt arms around her and a gentle nuzzling on the side of her neck. She could see the handsome boy in the mirror also. That girl in the mirror, who he is holding lovingly, she is a lucky girl to be loved so dearly. Virginia would have given anything to be the image of that girl in the mirror, the one smiling teasingly pushing the boy away only for him to playfully tickle her. Yes, she would have given anything.
"Under sky
That is gray
On sand that is gray
By an ocean that's gray
And what kind of paradise
Am I looking
For
I got everything
I wanted
And still I want more
And maybe some tiny
Shiny
Key
Wash up on the shore"
She stared at the moon, longing to touch it. To leave the earth and not look back. To live among the stars. She reached with her small hand, her arm coming up short. No she could never get away, never.
"Gin? You coming to bed soon?" He came up behind her, leaning against her back slightly and running one hand over her large belly. The baby kicked.
Yes Draco, I'm coming to you tonight, to that place of torture you call a bed. She shivered.
"Yes, I'm coming."
And she shut the balcony doors, pulling the curtain closed.
Her destination, those stars in the blanket of night, she would get there some day.
But for now she was bound to the earth.
(A/N): I decided to write an alternate ending because so many people asked. Yes a whopping THREE people!!! Ok, ok, I was bored and I had a few ideas to go with this so there :op
Dedicated to Stokely the one person who actually reviewed for a continuance of this 'horrible' fic. Thanks.
Other than my little thank yous, I wanted to put a small reminder in here because /yes/ there /are/ idiots out there!
I mention drug use in this chapter, I've actually never done that before in any of my fics, but please don't think "I read this once, I'm going to go do it!" Just like I do /not/ support rape or domestic abuse, honestly if I was Ginny I'd of take a bat to him and hid his body "oh he just left a few days ago, I'm not sure where…." But, then again that's just me ;o)
Don't own HP, I own plot do not take, and the lyrics go to the one and only Ani DiFranco, songs: Joyful Girl is the first bit and the piece about looking in the mirror, and Grey is everything else. I actually mixed two songs because separate they couldn't apply to this.
Come on, make me a happy Fanfic writer REVIEW!!!
And also if you like the dark stories I suggest you check out my other account Glowing Embers and also my stories 'The Collector' and 'The Closet'
Thanx for reading
Wind and Ashes
.
"The windows of my soul
Are made of one way glass
Where I'm going is clear
I don't have time for you to wonder
I'll just tell you why I'm here"
How did I end up like I did? I ask my self that all the time. In my mind I've replayed that first night between Draco and myself almost every day since. Pinpointing- no dissecting each thing I should have noticed, searching for things that should have told me of who he was and what he was capable of. I was young, and foolish. But straight out, I just wanted to live…if you can call this living.
My first morning here I think he was a little surprised that I actually stayed. I laid there on that sofa, waiting for him. Rehearsing what I should say until I heard regular morning sounds, the shower starting, and the water in the sink going. I'd gotten up already to prepare for what I was about to do, even though I my self wasn't sure of what I was doing.
He walked out here running his hands through his slightly wet hair, most likely he still had a bit of a head ache. But when his cold eyes landed on me they softened, it might have just been a fraction of gentleness, but I saw it.
"Can I…" I wasn't sure what to say. And all of a sudden my request sounded horrible to my ears, and my voice was so small and childish. I stood then and walked a bit over to him, I knew I had to play this for all I was worth, so I ran my hand up and down his chest "Will you let me…stay?"
I looked at him with my wide innocent eyes, not just asking but /begging/ for this 'privilege' with my slightly pouted lips.
He caught my wrist in his hand, holding tightly, bruising me. But he was still looking into my eyes, I tried not to look away.
*
His other hand then moved to Ginny's lower back, pulling her body to him like he did the night before. She couldn't help but shiver. Slowly he leaned down to kiss her, keeping a bit of eye contact, daring her to object. When he saw that she wasn't he continued.
Little kisses turned into deep ones, and then he moved down to her neck licking and sucking the already sore area. She gasped from pain, but whether he knew it or not she couldn't tell, nor did it surprise her that he still continued to hurt her. His hands were wandering over her now, first just touching, then clawing at her clothes. She let him take off the one barrier she had between himself and what he wanted.
He stopped and stared at her again, first looking over her body seeing the bruises and her womanly features. Then he looked into her eyes. He was going to test her again.
His hands moved to her shoulders, she hadn't really noticed until he put pressure on them. Pushing her down lightly then a bit harder, she kneeled in front of him. Particularly right in front of a certain part of him. He groaned and gritted his teeth as she rubbed her hand against him through his pants knowing what he wanted her to do now, and truthfully she was terrified. Looking up at him she was met with steely gray eyes 'Do it or leave' that was all she got from them.
Obediently she opened her mouth.
Draco smirked.
"The sky is gray
The sand is gray
And the ocean is gray
I feel right at home
In this stunning monocle
Alone in my way
I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dream
But as bad as I am
I'm proud of the fact
That I'm worse than my self"
I can't really remember what had happened the first night he gave me drugs. Although I crave the feeling now, the first time I thought I was going to die…actually I wasn't really thinking at all.
He was fucking me, and although he was a bit more conscience of what happened to my body, he'd had a bad day. And, as always, it was taken out on me. I wasn't ready for him either, which just made it worse, more blood than usual.
So I was relieved when he stopped, although confused because he hadn't cum yet. Before I knew what was happening he was tying something around my arm. I didn't want to make him any more aggravated than he was so I didn't ask what he was doing, but I sure as hell objected when I saw him pick up the needle. I've seen him do this some times, I didn't want it.
Then again, I never wanted any of this, did I?
He was stronger, and I was easily held down.
Though after it was in my blood…every thing was better. I felt free, like there was no reason to why I couldn't enjoy this 'activity' too, seeming as he resumed pounding into me after taking a hit himself. And for that one time, I with him, enjoyed having an orgasm. And I didn't feel my self tear or my now new bruises on bruises, not until morning any way.
Yes, this nothingness was better than what realities I had to face.
"And what kind of paradise
Am I looking
For
I got everything
I wanted
But still I want more
Maybe some tiny
Shiny
Key
Will wash up on the shore"
I try to live my life day to day, although I measure my life night by night. That's really what I'm for isn't it?
'I'm doing this to survive…I'm doing this to live…I'm doing this to survive…I'm doing this to live…' This she tells herself as he covers her body with his own. Every time he touches her, every time he causes her pain.
It wasn't really that hard to block out for the time being, although he'd just became angry if I didn't respond. Whether that meant whimpering and crying in pain, or a rare moan of pleasure. Yes, I'm punished for many things. Maybe even things I don't do, but I think he likes me this way. A helpless simpering dog at his beck and call, nipping behind his heels and following him about. And this is what I go through for life.
There are rumors of the Resistance, and that is what I'm hoping for. Praying to Goddess every night so that maybe the Light Side would have enough power to rise up.
For almost a year now I kneel by our bed before I kneel in front of him to satisfy his craving and I am left with only a wanting- a prayer for more than this.
Some times I feel like it's some one else I'm watching. That this has been a horrible dream and that I will wake up in my bed, Hermione sleeping on a cot near by…not in a mass unmarked grave. Mum would be down stairs right now making breakfast, instead of dying years ago of grief for loosing so many of her children and husband.
I never found out what happened to the rest of my family. Draco still doesn't know I'm a Weasley so I cannot ask him. And some times I even bring my self to think about Harry. Harry Potter. That name conjures up good times at the Burrow. Of summers filled with laughter and warmth…though now it seems I'm cold inside no matter what the season.
"And everything I do
Is judged
Mostly get it wrong
But oh well
The bathroom mirror has not budged
And the woman who lives there
Can tell
The truth from the stuff that
They say
But she looks me in
The eye
Says
Would you prefer the
Easy way
No, well ok
Don't cry"
I look back at this woman in the mirror. I don't know her, nor does any one else. She died along time ago, along with the last remaining members of The Order of the Phoenix. How long had it been that he's kept her?
"How fucking long?" she whispered to the girl in the mirror. She was now 19, and oh how she wished she wasn't.
This wasn't the same mirror Ginny used to stare into those first few weeks, for after that she couldn't stand to look at her self. But Draco had moved into a good-sized manor of his own upon turning 18 himself. Surprisingly he wanted her to come with him. As time past he wanted her to be his, not just in the bedroom anymore, but with a ring. She would never escape, as he would never tire of her.
And at that very moment she felt arms around her and a gentle nuzzling on the side of her neck. She could see the handsome boy in the mirror also. That girl in the mirror, who he is holding lovingly, she is a lucky girl to be loved so dearly. Virginia would have given anything to be the image of that girl in the mirror, the one smiling teasingly pushing the boy away only for him to playfully tickle her. Yes, she would have given anything.
"Under sky
That is gray
On sand that is gray
By an ocean that's gray
And what kind of paradise
Am I looking
For
I got everything
I wanted
And still I want more
And maybe some tiny
Shiny
Key
Wash up on the shore"
She stared at the moon, longing to touch it. To leave the earth and not look back. To live among the stars. She reached with her small hand, her arm coming up short. No she could never get away, never.
"Gin? You coming to bed soon?" He came up behind her, leaning against her back slightly and running one hand over her large belly. The baby kicked.
Yes Draco, I'm coming to you tonight, to that place of torture you call a bed. She shivered.
"Yes, I'm coming."
And she shut the balcony doors, pulling the curtain closed.
Her destination, those stars in the blanket of night, she would get there some day.
But for now she was bound to the earth.
(A/N): I decided to write an alternate ending because so many people asked. Yes a whopping THREE people!!! Ok, ok, I was bored and I had a few ideas to go with this so there :op
Dedicated to Stokely the one person who actually reviewed for a continuance of this 'horrible' fic. Thanks.
Other than my little thank yous, I wanted to put a small reminder in here because /yes/ there /are/ idiots out there!
I mention drug use in this chapter, I've actually never done that before in any of my fics, but please don't think "I read this once, I'm going to go do it!" Just like I do /not/ support rape or domestic abuse, honestly if I was Ginny I'd of take a bat to him and hid his body "oh he just left a few days ago, I'm not sure where…." But, then again that's just me ;o)
Don't own HP, I own plot do not take, and the lyrics go to the one and only Ani DiFranco, songs: Joyful Girl is the first bit and the piece about looking in the mirror, and Grey is everything else. I actually mixed two songs because separate they couldn't apply to this.
Come on, make me a happy Fanfic writer REVIEW!!!
And also if you like the dark stories I suggest you check out my other account Glowing Embers and also my stories 'The Collector' and 'The Closet'
Thanx for reading
Wind and Ashes
.