FINAL FANTASY CROSSOVERS
The Crossover Story - Part 2
(Open to Balamb Garden, the Quad. Squall, Zell, Selphie, Rinoa and Irvine are there, talking.)
Squall: ...so it's up to us to find this Hojo person and see if he can help us out of this pickle we're in.
Rinoa: You're leaving me again?!
Squall: Don't be so selfish, Rinoa. I'm doing this for the Garden. I have no other choice.
Rinoa: Well, if it's for the Garden, I guess it's okay. But hurry back this time.
Squall: I'll be as quick as I can. Zell, Selphie, let's go. (he, Zell and Selphie leave)
Irvine: Don't worry, Rinoa, I'm still here for you.
Rinoa: Just shut up and keep your hands to yourself, you pervert.
(Cut to Midgar, the Shin-Ra HQ, the 65th floor, the boardroom. President Rufus, Heidegger, Scarlet, Palmer and Reeve are sitting at the table, discussing things.)
Rufus: That concludes the mog infestation problem. Now, on to other business. Reeve?
Reeve: (stands up and clears his throat) As you know, people, recently Shin-Ra has been under scrutiny from- (Reno and Rude walk in)
Rufus: Ah, Reno and Rude. Good to see you two finally managed to drag your sorry carcasses back here for the meeting. You're twenty minutes late.
Reno: We apologise, Mr. President, but we got caught up. You see, the most amazing thing has happened. We've been visited by other worldly beings!
Rufus: What... the hell have you been smoking?
Reno: Nothing. It's all true. Mr. President, I present to you - three complete strangers from another world. (Seifer, Raijin and Fujin walk in)
Rufus: ...hello?
Seifer: Greetings, Mr. President. And may I say what a pleasure it is meeting your acquaintance.
Rufus: You may...
Seifer: (bends down on one knee and takes Rufus' hand) It is a pleasure meeting your acquaintance. (kisses Rufus' hand)
Rufus: Eugh! What are you, gay?! (Seifer gets up) Reno, Rude! What is the meaning of this??
Reno: They're from another world, Mr. President. And they don't know where else to turn. I thought it might be of an advantage to us if they were to join up with Rude and I as Turks.
Rufus: You want them - three people who could be almost anyone - to become full-time Turks?!
Reno: They're no ordinary three people who could be almost anyone, Mr. President. I mean, (indicating Seifer) this guy here was able to withstand my ultra super powerful arm-lock extravaganza. I believe these three would be an asset to us and all that is Shin-Ra.
Rufus: All right. Fair enough. Prove it.
Reno: Prove it? How?
Rufus: I have a mission I need you Turks to take care of. I need you to kidnap someone for me.
Reno: Go on...
Rufus: (holds up a picture of Tifa) This is the girl I need kidnapping.
Reno: Okay.
Rufus: I want you to take these three along with you and Rude, and kidnap this girl for my... own amusement. If they can bring her back to me in one piece, then I shall appoint them fully qualified Turks.
Reno: That's all?
Rufus: Don't be naive, Reno. Kidnapping isn't easy.
Reno: No, not for your normal Joe, but for us Turks, kidnapping is like taking a really long nap on a hot summer's day in the backyard with a bottle of beer.
Rufus: Riiight... Well, just don't screw up. You screw up, then I don't see any future here at Shin-Ra for those friends of yours.
Reno: Right. Okay then, guys, and Rude, let's get going. We've got a date with a hottie.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Squall, Zell and Selphie walk in.)
Cloud: Heeey! You're back! I didn't expect to see you guys again so soon! What's up?
Squall: We're looking for someone. Since you're the only people here we know, we thought you might be able to help. Professor Hojo, have you seen him?
Tifa: Hojo? Why do you need to speak to him?
Squall: That information is classified.
Zell: Yeah, we're not allowed to tell anyone that we're lookin' for him to see if he can help us get back to our world.
Squall: (sighs) Well, seeing as how big mouth here can't keep his mouth shut, you might as well know the rest. Professor Hojo may be our only hope of getting out of this godforsaken place - no offence - so we must track him down, urgently, otherwise my friends and I may be doomed to fester in this virtual world forever. Do you know where we could find him?
Tifa: It shouldn't be too difficult. He works over at the local college, in the Sector 2 Slums.
Squall: Right. Thank you. Zell, Selphie. (leaves)
Zell: Catch ya later, people! (he and Selphie leave)
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Squall, Zell and Selphie leave 7th Heaven.)
Squall: All right, Zell, since you seem to know this place so well, hows about showing us the way to this... Sector 2.
Zell: Gladly. Follow me. (he leads Squall and Selphie down the street)
Reno: (standing opposite 7th Heaven, with Rude, Seifer, Raijin and Fujin) There it is. 7th Heaven. All right, now we've got to be very careful on how we go about this. We can't just go in there, shouting our mouthes off and throwing our weight around.
Seifer: Why not?
Reno: It may look like an ordinary backstreet tavern, rookie, but it's also the secret hideout of AVALANCHE.
Seifer: What's AVALANCHE?
Reno: Not what, rookie. Who.
Seifer: Who's AVALANCHE?
Rude: ...
Seifer: What was that?
Reno: He said AVALANCHE are a terrorist group hellbent on making as much trouble for us Turks as possible. They're an evil bunch all right. I'm telling you, you wouldn't want to run into them in a back alley late at night.
Seifer: Really?
Reno: Oh, yeah. And there's this one guy - Barrett - he's got a freakin' gun grafted into his arm.
Seifer: A gun grafted on to his arm??
Reno: Yep, and there's this big cat too. Well, he's actually more of a lion. With a flamming tail.
Seifer: Yeow!
Reno: He'd sooner take a bite out of your neck than listen to anything you've got to say, believe me.
Seifer: He'd really do that??
Reno: Yes, sir. But that's AFTER he's taken a chunk outta your little man downstairs first. (Seifer is about to vomit) That's right, you heard me.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Tifa is cleaning the bar. The Turks, Seifer, Raijin and Fujin burst in.)
Reno: All right, nobody move! This is a kidnapping!
(Cut to the basement. Cloud and Barrett are sitting on the couch, watching TV.)
Tifa: (from upstairs) Ahh! Get off me! Let me go!
Barrett: (to Cloud) You hear somethin'?
Cloud: Nope.
(Cut to the Sector 2 Slums, Midgar County College.)
Zell: This is it. Midgar College.
Selphie: Seems nice enough. It's no Balamb Garden, but...
Squall: Come on. The sooner we find this Hojo guy, the sooner we can get the hell out of here.
(Cut to Midgar County College, the 3F Classroom. Hojo is sitting at his desk with a pile of papers. He is talking to an attractive female student.)
Hojo: Ah, Sandy. For sleeping with me, here's that A+ I promised.
Girl: (giggles) Thank you, Professor! (leaves)
Hojo: I love my work...
Squall: (he, Zell and Selphie walk in) Professor Hojo?
Hojo: Yes? What can I do for you?
Squall: My name is Squall Leonhart, I'm leader of the SeeDs. We've come here seeking your knowledge and wisdom.
Hojo: Look, if you're having trouble with your biology homework, then I can't help you. (to Selphie) You on the other hand, I've got all the time in the world for you.
Squall: Mr. Hojo, we've not come here because we need help with our studies-
Zell: I have.
Squall: Here's the story, our Garden was hit by an electrical thunder storm a few hours ago, and we were transported here. We need your assistance in getting back to our world.
Hojo: (interested) You came here from another world?!
Squall: Yes. And we thought you, being a scientist, might be able to help send us back.
Hojo: My God! So... other worlds do exist?! It's not just science fiction mumbo-jumbo?!
Squall: Well, we're not here to debate on whether other worlds exist. In fact, this whole "world" you live in, isn't even a real world at all. It's all virtual. It was created by some video game company.
Hojo: Astounding!
Zell: No. Squaresoft.
Squall: The question on our lips, Professor, is will you help us?
Hojo: Yes. Yes I will. (pause) In exchange for a date with (indicating Selphie) her.
Selphie: Ewww! I do have a boyfriend, you know!
Squall: Selphie would be delighted to go on a date with you.
Selphie: What??
Squall: Wouldn't you, Selphie?
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, Rufus' office. Rufus is sitting behind his desk. Reno and Rude are standing before him.)
Rufus: Well? Did you get the girl?
Reno: See for yourself, Mr. President. (Seifer appears behind Reno, with Tifa, gagged and tied up)
Tifa: Mph! Mmmph! (Rufus laughs evilly)
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud walks in.)
Cloud: Tifa, I--Tifa? Oh, great!
Barrett: (walks in) Wha's wrong?
Cloud: Tifa's gone walkabouts. I tell you, this is no way to run a bar. Ugh, I guess I'll have to fill in for her.
Barrett: Great, 'cause I need a beer. C'mon, hurry up, I'm dyin' in here.
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Rinoa and Irvine are sitting at a table. Rinoa is playing around with her food.)
Rinoa: Hyne, I'm sooo bored...
Irvine: Me too. (pause) Hey, I just got a crazy, wacky, insane idea.
Rinoa: If this involves anything sexual, you can forget it.
Irvine: Please, sex isn't the only thing on my mind. I do think about other stuff, you know.
Rinoa: Irvine, don't kidd yourself, I've seen your video collection.
Irvine: (gets up) C'mon, Rinoa, let's blow this pop stand.
Rinoa: You mean...?
Irvine: Yeah, let's go out there and have some fun of our own. I don't see why Squall and the others should get to go sight seeing around a brand new world, while the rest of us just get to stay here and die of boredom.
Rinoa: Well, Headmaster Cid said not to leave the Garden, but, okay. If we're gonna be stuck here we might as well check out the place. (she and Irvine leave)
(Cut to Midgar, the Sector 2 Slums, Midgar County College, the 3F Classroom. Hojo is writing on the blackboard.)
Hojo: ...so you see, if we could somehow create a rip in the space/time barrier, a portal could be opened up to your world, allowing your craft-
Squall: Garden.
Hojo: Allowing your Garden to travel safely through. What do you think? I am a genius or what?
Squall: And this is guarenteed to work, right? 'Cause I'd hate to get everyone's hopes up.
Hojo: Nothing is guarenteed, Master Leonhart, but I'd say it has a fairly high success rate, as long as everything goes to plan and there are no hiccups, fingers crossed.
Squall: Well, since you're our only means of escaping this low-res hell, I guess we have no other option but to trust you and go along with everything you say.
Hojo: Excellent. Then I shall get started on building a device to rip a hole in the space/time barrier. I can make a few quicky alterations to Sister Ray. That should do the trick. Of course, you're all welcome to come and watch, but no bitching if I make a mistake. Even the best scientists pull a few doozies now and then.
Squall: It's okay, Professor Hojo. We trust you. Besides, we have to inform our Headmaster Cid on our current status. Come on, guys. Let's let the Professor get on with his work.
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Rinoa and Irvine are walking through.)
Irvine: This place is a dump, man! How on earth do people live in a place like this?
Man: (on the street) Obviously by having a better attitude toward our wholesome city than you! (spits)
Irvine: Man, if I'm gonna survive here, I'm gonna need booze. (he and Rinoa walk toward 7th Heaven)
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Rinoa and Irvine walk in. Cloud is checking some liquor bottles behind the bar.)
Irvine: Hello? Anyone servin' around here? Hello??
Cloud: (turns around) Yeah, calm down, calm down. Whaddya want?
Irvine: Anything with alcohol in it.
Cloud: Sorry, we're not allowed to serve alcohol to minors.
Aeris: (walks in) Cloud, where's Tifa?
Cloud: I don't know, but if you see her, you can tell her from me, she's in big trouble. I mean, leaving the bar unattended was completely irresponsible of her. I've been manning this place all by myself for the last half hour.
Aeris: It's not like Tifa to run out on her responsibilities like this. I hope nothing's happened to her.
Cloud: She's probably fine.
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, Rufus' office. Rufus is talking to Tifa, tied to a chair.)
Rufus: Now, I'm giving you a choice. You can either agree to this sleazy demand, or be killed. Take your time, I know it's a tough decision.
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the bar.)
Cloud: Anyways, what can I getcha?
Irvine: (to Aeris) Well, hello there, little lady!
Aeris: Oh, um, hi.
Irvine: What's a moderately attractive girl like you doin' in a slophole like this?
Rinoa: Irvine, no hitting on the locals! Remember, we're not going to be here for long enough for you to strike up a relationship! Plus you're already supposed to be dating Selphie!
Cloud: Oh, lemme guess. You're a couple of tourists from that other world, right?
Rinoa: You know about our situation?
Cloud: Sure, I do. We've seen a few others like you guys here today, too.
Rinoa: Others? You mean Squall?
Cloud: Yeah, that's him. And the guy with the tatoos and the chick with the skimpy yellow dress.
Rinoa: How long ago was this?
Cloud: They were here about an hour ago. They said they were going off to speak with Professor Hojo. He's over at the local college. You know, if you hurry you might catch them.
Rinoa: Great! Come on, Irvine, we're leaving! (grabs Irvine and drags him off)
Irvine: (to Aeris) Sorry, babe, gotta go! (Rinoa drags him out through the front door)
Aeris: Call me! (pause) He won't call.
(Cut to Balamb Garden, Headmaster Cid's office. Squall, Zell and Selphie are talking with Cid, Quistis, Nadia and Xu.)
Cid: A rip in the space/time barrier, of course. It's all so simple now.
Squall: Yes, sir, and once it's been opened, all we have to do is pilot Garden through, and we're home free.
Cid: This is the best possible news we could have hoped to receive! Well done, Squall!
Squall: Don't mention it, sir. I was just doing my job.
Cid: Well I'm proud of you, son, and I know that everyone here on board Balamb Garden, myself included, is eternally grateful to you for helping us out of this difficult situation. Thank you.
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, Rufus' office. Rufus is sitting back in his desk, half undressed, smiling and smoking a cigarette.)
Rufus: That was incredible, Ms. Lockheart. Okay, I've finished with her now, Reno.
Reno: But you haven't even touched her, sir. (Tifa is still tied up and gagged on a chair in front of Rufus' desk)
Rufus: I know, but that was the best masturbation session I've ever had. Now for the ransom note. Take this down, Reno: "Dear AVALANCHE, We have kidnapped your precious little bar hostess. If you ever wish to see her again, leave one million gil in the lobby of the Shin-Ra HQ. Yours truly, Some Stranger."
Reno: Um, Mr. President, I don't mean to question your supreme authority, but don't you think asking them to leave the ransom money in the lobby of our own HQ isn't a little too... obvious?
Rufus: You're right, Reno. It is a little obvious. So obvious, in fact, that it's almost too obvious, and obviously all signs point to the obvious obvious of the obvious. Obviously.
Reno: What the hell were you just saying??
Rufus: Isn't it obvious? God, you're such a moron!
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. A letter slips under the door. Cloud picks it up and reads it.)
Cloud: "Dear AVALANCHE, We have..." Oh my God!
(Cut to the bar, a little later. Cloud, Barrett, Aeris and Red XIII are talking. Barrett is reading the ransom note.)
Barrett: Well this is just great!
Cloud: Great? Great?! Tifa's been kidnapped! What the hell is so great about that?!
Red XIII: I believe he was being sarcastic, Cloud.
Cloud: Barrett? Is this true? (Barrett stares at him) You know how I feel about sarcasm!
Barrett: ...
Cloud: Well, looks like we'll have to pay the ransom. Tifa's life depends on that one million gil.
Barrett: You crazy? We can't afford to pay one million gil for Tifa's safe return! 'Sides, I don' think we even need to!
Cloud: How else are we going to get her back?
Barrett: Simple. This letter was obviously from Shin-Ra, right? (Cloud stares at him) So, all we gotta do is get our asses over to the Shin-Ra HQ and rescue her ourselves.
Cloud: I don't know, Barrett. That all sounds kind of risky. I mean, we don't wanna put Tifa in any sort of danger.
Aeris: And we won't have to. Don't worry, you guys, Red XIII and I will take care of this.
Cloud & Barrett: You will??
Red XIII: Oh, sure. You know, if anyone can handle a situation as delicate as this, it's us. Come on, Aeris, let's roll. (he and Aeris leave)
Cloud: ...what the hell just happened then?
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the hallway. Squall comes out of his dorm. Zell and Selphie are waiting outside.)
Squall: They're not in there, either. (pause) Not for a second I thought they would be, of course.
Selphie: Where on earth could they be??
Squall: I don't know. Hmm, if I were Irvine, where would I be right now...?
(Cut to Midgar, the Sector 2 Slums, Midgar County College, the 3F Classroom. Professor Hojo is sketching some plans for making improvements to Sister Ray. Rinoa and Irvine are with him.)
Hojo: Yes, I know the people you're talking about. They were here a while ago, but they left to talk to their Headmaster Cid... whatever one of those is.
Irvine: So we missed 'em? Typical!
Rinoa: Typical?! You're the one who wanted to stop off at that Honey Bee Inn place!
Hojo: They should be back soon, if you'd like to wait. They were adamant they wanted to be involved with my new wormhole opening project.
Irvine: Nah, it's okay. We spend enough time in places like this. We'll catch up with them later.
Hojo: All right. Mind how you go.
Irvine: Come on, Rinoa, let's go back to that brothel back in Wall Market. I think I left my wallet there. (Rinoa sighs and she and Irvine leave)
Hojo: (picks up his plans) Yes. Yes, that should do it. Now opening up the wormhole to the other world should be nothing but a sinch.
????: Wormhole to another world...?
Hojo: What the...?! (Sephiroth walks in) Sephiroth?!
Sephiroth: (smiling evilly) Tell me more, my dear Hojo. Tell me more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TO BE CONTINUED...
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The Crossover Story - Part 2
(Open to Balamb Garden, the Quad. Squall, Zell, Selphie, Rinoa and Irvine are there, talking.)
Squall: ...so it's up to us to find this Hojo person and see if he can help us out of this pickle we're in.
Rinoa: You're leaving me again?!
Squall: Don't be so selfish, Rinoa. I'm doing this for the Garden. I have no other choice.
Rinoa: Well, if it's for the Garden, I guess it's okay. But hurry back this time.
Squall: I'll be as quick as I can. Zell, Selphie, let's go. (he, Zell and Selphie leave)
Irvine: Don't worry, Rinoa, I'm still here for you.
Rinoa: Just shut up and keep your hands to yourself, you pervert.
(Cut to Midgar, the Shin-Ra HQ, the 65th floor, the boardroom. President Rufus, Heidegger, Scarlet, Palmer and Reeve are sitting at the table, discussing things.)
Rufus: That concludes the mog infestation problem. Now, on to other business. Reeve?
Reeve: (stands up and clears his throat) As you know, people, recently Shin-Ra has been under scrutiny from- (Reno and Rude walk in)
Rufus: Ah, Reno and Rude. Good to see you two finally managed to drag your sorry carcasses back here for the meeting. You're twenty minutes late.
Reno: We apologise, Mr. President, but we got caught up. You see, the most amazing thing has happened. We've been visited by other worldly beings!
Rufus: What... the hell have you been smoking?
Reno: Nothing. It's all true. Mr. President, I present to you - three complete strangers from another world. (Seifer, Raijin and Fujin walk in)
Rufus: ...hello?
Seifer: Greetings, Mr. President. And may I say what a pleasure it is meeting your acquaintance.
Rufus: You may...
Seifer: (bends down on one knee and takes Rufus' hand) It is a pleasure meeting your acquaintance. (kisses Rufus' hand)
Rufus: Eugh! What are you, gay?! (Seifer gets up) Reno, Rude! What is the meaning of this??
Reno: They're from another world, Mr. President. And they don't know where else to turn. I thought it might be of an advantage to us if they were to join up with Rude and I as Turks.
Rufus: You want them - three people who could be almost anyone - to become full-time Turks?!
Reno: They're no ordinary three people who could be almost anyone, Mr. President. I mean, (indicating Seifer) this guy here was able to withstand my ultra super powerful arm-lock extravaganza. I believe these three would be an asset to us and all that is Shin-Ra.
Rufus: All right. Fair enough. Prove it.
Reno: Prove it? How?
Rufus: I have a mission I need you Turks to take care of. I need you to kidnap someone for me.
Reno: Go on...
Rufus: (holds up a picture of Tifa) This is the girl I need kidnapping.
Reno: Okay.
Rufus: I want you to take these three along with you and Rude, and kidnap this girl for my... own amusement. If they can bring her back to me in one piece, then I shall appoint them fully qualified Turks.
Reno: That's all?
Rufus: Don't be naive, Reno. Kidnapping isn't easy.
Reno: No, not for your normal Joe, but for us Turks, kidnapping is like taking a really long nap on a hot summer's day in the backyard with a bottle of beer.
Rufus: Riiight... Well, just don't screw up. You screw up, then I don't see any future here at Shin-Ra for those friends of yours.
Reno: Right. Okay then, guys, and Rude, let's get going. We've got a date with a hottie.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Squall, Zell and Selphie walk in.)
Cloud: Heeey! You're back! I didn't expect to see you guys again so soon! What's up?
Squall: We're looking for someone. Since you're the only people here we know, we thought you might be able to help. Professor Hojo, have you seen him?
Tifa: Hojo? Why do you need to speak to him?
Squall: That information is classified.
Zell: Yeah, we're not allowed to tell anyone that we're lookin' for him to see if he can help us get back to our world.
Squall: (sighs) Well, seeing as how big mouth here can't keep his mouth shut, you might as well know the rest. Professor Hojo may be our only hope of getting out of this godforsaken place - no offence - so we must track him down, urgently, otherwise my friends and I may be doomed to fester in this virtual world forever. Do you know where we could find him?
Tifa: It shouldn't be too difficult. He works over at the local college, in the Sector 2 Slums.
Squall: Right. Thank you. Zell, Selphie. (leaves)
Zell: Catch ya later, people! (he and Selphie leave)
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Squall, Zell and Selphie leave 7th Heaven.)
Squall: All right, Zell, since you seem to know this place so well, hows about showing us the way to this... Sector 2.
Zell: Gladly. Follow me. (he leads Squall and Selphie down the street)
Reno: (standing opposite 7th Heaven, with Rude, Seifer, Raijin and Fujin) There it is. 7th Heaven. All right, now we've got to be very careful on how we go about this. We can't just go in there, shouting our mouthes off and throwing our weight around.
Seifer: Why not?
Reno: It may look like an ordinary backstreet tavern, rookie, but it's also the secret hideout of AVALANCHE.
Seifer: What's AVALANCHE?
Reno: Not what, rookie. Who.
Seifer: Who's AVALANCHE?
Rude: ...
Seifer: What was that?
Reno: He said AVALANCHE are a terrorist group hellbent on making as much trouble for us Turks as possible. They're an evil bunch all right. I'm telling you, you wouldn't want to run into them in a back alley late at night.
Seifer: Really?
Reno: Oh, yeah. And there's this one guy - Barrett - he's got a freakin' gun grafted into his arm.
Seifer: A gun grafted on to his arm??
Reno: Yep, and there's this big cat too. Well, he's actually more of a lion. With a flamming tail.
Seifer: Yeow!
Reno: He'd sooner take a bite out of your neck than listen to anything you've got to say, believe me.
Seifer: He'd really do that??
Reno: Yes, sir. But that's AFTER he's taken a chunk outta your little man downstairs first. (Seifer is about to vomit) That's right, you heard me.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Tifa is cleaning the bar. The Turks, Seifer, Raijin and Fujin burst in.)
Reno: All right, nobody move! This is a kidnapping!
(Cut to the basement. Cloud and Barrett are sitting on the couch, watching TV.)
Tifa: (from upstairs) Ahh! Get off me! Let me go!
Barrett: (to Cloud) You hear somethin'?
Cloud: Nope.
(Cut to the Sector 2 Slums, Midgar County College.)
Zell: This is it. Midgar College.
Selphie: Seems nice enough. It's no Balamb Garden, but...
Squall: Come on. The sooner we find this Hojo guy, the sooner we can get the hell out of here.
(Cut to Midgar County College, the 3F Classroom. Hojo is sitting at his desk with a pile of papers. He is talking to an attractive female student.)
Hojo: Ah, Sandy. For sleeping with me, here's that A+ I promised.
Girl: (giggles) Thank you, Professor! (leaves)
Hojo: I love my work...
Squall: (he, Zell and Selphie walk in) Professor Hojo?
Hojo: Yes? What can I do for you?
Squall: My name is Squall Leonhart, I'm leader of the SeeDs. We've come here seeking your knowledge and wisdom.
Hojo: Look, if you're having trouble with your biology homework, then I can't help you. (to Selphie) You on the other hand, I've got all the time in the world for you.
Squall: Mr. Hojo, we've not come here because we need help with our studies-
Zell: I have.
Squall: Here's the story, our Garden was hit by an electrical thunder storm a few hours ago, and we were transported here. We need your assistance in getting back to our world.
Hojo: (interested) You came here from another world?!
Squall: Yes. And we thought you, being a scientist, might be able to help send us back.
Hojo: My God! So... other worlds do exist?! It's not just science fiction mumbo-jumbo?!
Squall: Well, we're not here to debate on whether other worlds exist. In fact, this whole "world" you live in, isn't even a real world at all. It's all virtual. It was created by some video game company.
Hojo: Astounding!
Zell: No. Squaresoft.
Squall: The question on our lips, Professor, is will you help us?
Hojo: Yes. Yes I will. (pause) In exchange for a date with (indicating Selphie) her.
Selphie: Ewww! I do have a boyfriend, you know!
Squall: Selphie would be delighted to go on a date with you.
Selphie: What??
Squall: Wouldn't you, Selphie?
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, Rufus' office. Rufus is sitting behind his desk. Reno and Rude are standing before him.)
Rufus: Well? Did you get the girl?
Reno: See for yourself, Mr. President. (Seifer appears behind Reno, with Tifa, gagged and tied up)
Tifa: Mph! Mmmph! (Rufus laughs evilly)
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud walks in.)
Cloud: Tifa, I--Tifa? Oh, great!
Barrett: (walks in) Wha's wrong?
Cloud: Tifa's gone walkabouts. I tell you, this is no way to run a bar. Ugh, I guess I'll have to fill in for her.
Barrett: Great, 'cause I need a beer. C'mon, hurry up, I'm dyin' in here.
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Rinoa and Irvine are sitting at a table. Rinoa is playing around with her food.)
Rinoa: Hyne, I'm sooo bored...
Irvine: Me too. (pause) Hey, I just got a crazy, wacky, insane idea.
Rinoa: If this involves anything sexual, you can forget it.
Irvine: Please, sex isn't the only thing on my mind. I do think about other stuff, you know.
Rinoa: Irvine, don't kidd yourself, I've seen your video collection.
Irvine: (gets up) C'mon, Rinoa, let's blow this pop stand.
Rinoa: You mean...?
Irvine: Yeah, let's go out there and have some fun of our own. I don't see why Squall and the others should get to go sight seeing around a brand new world, while the rest of us just get to stay here and die of boredom.
Rinoa: Well, Headmaster Cid said not to leave the Garden, but, okay. If we're gonna be stuck here we might as well check out the place. (she and Irvine leave)
(Cut to Midgar, the Sector 2 Slums, Midgar County College, the 3F Classroom. Hojo is writing on the blackboard.)
Hojo: ...so you see, if we could somehow create a rip in the space/time barrier, a portal could be opened up to your world, allowing your craft-
Squall: Garden.
Hojo: Allowing your Garden to travel safely through. What do you think? I am a genius or what?
Squall: And this is guarenteed to work, right? 'Cause I'd hate to get everyone's hopes up.
Hojo: Nothing is guarenteed, Master Leonhart, but I'd say it has a fairly high success rate, as long as everything goes to plan and there are no hiccups, fingers crossed.
Squall: Well, since you're our only means of escaping this low-res hell, I guess we have no other option but to trust you and go along with everything you say.
Hojo: Excellent. Then I shall get started on building a device to rip a hole in the space/time barrier. I can make a few quicky alterations to Sister Ray. That should do the trick. Of course, you're all welcome to come and watch, but no bitching if I make a mistake. Even the best scientists pull a few doozies now and then.
Squall: It's okay, Professor Hojo. We trust you. Besides, we have to inform our Headmaster Cid on our current status. Come on, guys. Let's let the Professor get on with his work.
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Rinoa and Irvine are walking through.)
Irvine: This place is a dump, man! How on earth do people live in a place like this?
Man: (on the street) Obviously by having a better attitude toward our wholesome city than you! (spits)
Irvine: Man, if I'm gonna survive here, I'm gonna need booze. (he and Rinoa walk toward 7th Heaven)
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Rinoa and Irvine walk in. Cloud is checking some liquor bottles behind the bar.)
Irvine: Hello? Anyone servin' around here? Hello??
Cloud: (turns around) Yeah, calm down, calm down. Whaddya want?
Irvine: Anything with alcohol in it.
Cloud: Sorry, we're not allowed to serve alcohol to minors.
Aeris: (walks in) Cloud, where's Tifa?
Cloud: I don't know, but if you see her, you can tell her from me, she's in big trouble. I mean, leaving the bar unattended was completely irresponsible of her. I've been manning this place all by myself for the last half hour.
Aeris: It's not like Tifa to run out on her responsibilities like this. I hope nothing's happened to her.
Cloud: She's probably fine.
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, Rufus' office. Rufus is talking to Tifa, tied to a chair.)
Rufus: Now, I'm giving you a choice. You can either agree to this sleazy demand, or be killed. Take your time, I know it's a tough decision.
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the bar.)
Cloud: Anyways, what can I getcha?
Irvine: (to Aeris) Well, hello there, little lady!
Aeris: Oh, um, hi.
Irvine: What's a moderately attractive girl like you doin' in a slophole like this?
Rinoa: Irvine, no hitting on the locals! Remember, we're not going to be here for long enough for you to strike up a relationship! Plus you're already supposed to be dating Selphie!
Cloud: Oh, lemme guess. You're a couple of tourists from that other world, right?
Rinoa: You know about our situation?
Cloud: Sure, I do. We've seen a few others like you guys here today, too.
Rinoa: Others? You mean Squall?
Cloud: Yeah, that's him. And the guy with the tatoos and the chick with the skimpy yellow dress.
Rinoa: How long ago was this?
Cloud: They were here about an hour ago. They said they were going off to speak with Professor Hojo. He's over at the local college. You know, if you hurry you might catch them.
Rinoa: Great! Come on, Irvine, we're leaving! (grabs Irvine and drags him off)
Irvine: (to Aeris) Sorry, babe, gotta go! (Rinoa drags him out through the front door)
Aeris: Call me! (pause) He won't call.
(Cut to Balamb Garden, Headmaster Cid's office. Squall, Zell and Selphie are talking with Cid, Quistis, Nadia and Xu.)
Cid: A rip in the space/time barrier, of course. It's all so simple now.
Squall: Yes, sir, and once it's been opened, all we have to do is pilot Garden through, and we're home free.
Cid: This is the best possible news we could have hoped to receive! Well done, Squall!
Squall: Don't mention it, sir. I was just doing my job.
Cid: Well I'm proud of you, son, and I know that everyone here on board Balamb Garden, myself included, is eternally grateful to you for helping us out of this difficult situation. Thank you.
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, Rufus' office. Rufus is sitting back in his desk, half undressed, smiling and smoking a cigarette.)
Rufus: That was incredible, Ms. Lockheart. Okay, I've finished with her now, Reno.
Reno: But you haven't even touched her, sir. (Tifa is still tied up and gagged on a chair in front of Rufus' desk)
Rufus: I know, but that was the best masturbation session I've ever had. Now for the ransom note. Take this down, Reno: "Dear AVALANCHE, We have kidnapped your precious little bar hostess. If you ever wish to see her again, leave one million gil in the lobby of the Shin-Ra HQ. Yours truly, Some Stranger."
Reno: Um, Mr. President, I don't mean to question your supreme authority, but don't you think asking them to leave the ransom money in the lobby of our own HQ isn't a little too... obvious?
Rufus: You're right, Reno. It is a little obvious. So obvious, in fact, that it's almost too obvious, and obviously all signs point to the obvious obvious of the obvious. Obviously.
Reno: What the hell were you just saying??
Rufus: Isn't it obvious? God, you're such a moron!
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. A letter slips under the door. Cloud picks it up and reads it.)
Cloud: "Dear AVALANCHE, We have..." Oh my God!
(Cut to the bar, a little later. Cloud, Barrett, Aeris and Red XIII are talking. Barrett is reading the ransom note.)
Barrett: Well this is just great!
Cloud: Great? Great?! Tifa's been kidnapped! What the hell is so great about that?!
Red XIII: I believe he was being sarcastic, Cloud.
Cloud: Barrett? Is this true? (Barrett stares at him) You know how I feel about sarcasm!
Barrett: ...
Cloud: Well, looks like we'll have to pay the ransom. Tifa's life depends on that one million gil.
Barrett: You crazy? We can't afford to pay one million gil for Tifa's safe return! 'Sides, I don' think we even need to!
Cloud: How else are we going to get her back?
Barrett: Simple. This letter was obviously from Shin-Ra, right? (Cloud stares at him) So, all we gotta do is get our asses over to the Shin-Ra HQ and rescue her ourselves.
Cloud: I don't know, Barrett. That all sounds kind of risky. I mean, we don't wanna put Tifa in any sort of danger.
Aeris: And we won't have to. Don't worry, you guys, Red XIII and I will take care of this.
Cloud & Barrett: You will??
Red XIII: Oh, sure. You know, if anyone can handle a situation as delicate as this, it's us. Come on, Aeris, let's roll. (he and Aeris leave)
Cloud: ...what the hell just happened then?
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the hallway. Squall comes out of his dorm. Zell and Selphie are waiting outside.)
Squall: They're not in there, either. (pause) Not for a second I thought they would be, of course.
Selphie: Where on earth could they be??
Squall: I don't know. Hmm, if I were Irvine, where would I be right now...?
(Cut to Midgar, the Sector 2 Slums, Midgar County College, the 3F Classroom. Professor Hojo is sketching some plans for making improvements to Sister Ray. Rinoa and Irvine are with him.)
Hojo: Yes, I know the people you're talking about. They were here a while ago, but they left to talk to their Headmaster Cid... whatever one of those is.
Irvine: So we missed 'em? Typical!
Rinoa: Typical?! You're the one who wanted to stop off at that Honey Bee Inn place!
Hojo: They should be back soon, if you'd like to wait. They were adamant they wanted to be involved with my new wormhole opening project.
Irvine: Nah, it's okay. We spend enough time in places like this. We'll catch up with them later.
Hojo: All right. Mind how you go.
Irvine: Come on, Rinoa, let's go back to that brothel back in Wall Market. I think I left my wallet there. (Rinoa sighs and she and Irvine leave)
Hojo: (picks up his plans) Yes. Yes, that should do it. Now opening up the wormhole to the other world should be nothing but a sinch.
????: Wormhole to another world...?
Hojo: What the...?! (Sephiroth walks in) Sephiroth?!
Sephiroth: (smiling evilly) Tell me more, my dear Hojo. Tell me more.
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TO BE CONTINUED...
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