Chapter 6
"Radar," Hawkeye began, finding the Clerk at his desk. "I need to make a phone call."
"Yes sir," Radar replied, beginning the process for this action.
"Remember, I am never a sir," Hawkeye told him. "Only Burns is a sir, and hopefully the new Queen of England will have the common sense NOT to knight him."
"I'll get it right one day. Sparky? Yeah, it's me. I need to place a call to."
"Ferret Face's last unit," Hawkeye filled in the blank.
"Ferr. oh, erm, the 157th, okay? Yeah, I'll hold." Covering the receiver, Radar asked, "Why there?"
"You'll see," Hawkeye assured him, being passed the receiver. "Hello? 157th? This is Captain Pierce, of the 4077th M*A*S*H. Can you tell me; do you know if your unit recently contained a Major Frank Burns? Yeah. you all hated him?"
Hawkeye spent the next ten minutes listing down the offences that Frank had caused whilst being present in the unit.
"Thank you very much, you've been most helpful."
"Now what?" Radar asked as Hawkeye replaced the receiver.
"Now we call anyone who will listen, and tell them that we want Burns out," Hawkeye told him.
"Who first?"
Hawkeye called three people before he found what he was looking for.
"Hello? General Cole? Captain Pierce, of the 4077th M*A*S*H. I understand that you know a Colonel Frank Burns?"
"Burns? Oh yes, him," Cole replied, sounding as though he rated Frank being close to something nasty upon the sole of one's shoe.
"I'll be frank, Colonel, although not Frank Burns. He is the newly appointed commander of our unit, and he is a complete and utter shambles. His diploma as a doctor is just worthy as being the paper in the latrines, and his skills as a commander are not worth even that. The camp morale has dropped so low that it is unthinkable, thus causing us to lose more and more patients, even without his help in the OR. He has outlawed drinking, gambling, and generally anything to keep us sane. His latest feat is that he has sent one of our three surgeons, not including himself in that number, on guard duty over the past two nights, and this surgeon now has a severe case of hypothermia. We have considered mutiny, but have decided to go about a case like this in the proper way before that occurs. Whatever the outcome, General, this man is a lunatic, who is power-hungry and wants his own way all the time. It may sound very harsh, but this unit cannot function for much longer unless someone does something!"
The General listened patiently to Hawkeye's long speech, and answered calmly. "I promise you now, something will be done, and it will be done soon."
This was not the answer that Hawkeye had expected. "It will?"
"I'll tell you something, Pierce," Cole began. "I met Burns, and I know exactly what you are talking about. General Stratton promoted him, and I objected to it for many of the reasons you listed. Bernie wouldn't listen to reason, though. I meant to keep track of Burns' movement, but I never found the unit he was stationed at. Now that I have, and you have voiced your own opinion of him, I will make sure that something is done. I will set up a hearing, and if all goes well, Burns will be out and you will be appointed a new, more capable CO."
Hawkeye digested the information before replying, "Thank you, General. It is good to know that there is someone at the top with competence." Hawkeye decided that a complement would not hurt.
"Thank you, Pierce. It is also reassuring to know that there are those nearer the bottom with ingenuity."
"Just one thing, Colonel. You are sure that you can provide us a CO who is better than Burns?"
"I can't think of anyone worse than Burns, but yes, I do promise that. Good day, and we will speak again soon."
Hawkeye replaced the receiver in the box, feeling considerably happier than he had felt for quite a few days. He turned to Radar. "It's done. He's going to get a court hearing, and if all goes well, we'll get a new CO."
Relief washed over Radar's face, but before he could report the good news to the camp, Hawkeye stopped him. "Not yet, Radar. This stays between us for the moment. If word gets around and Frank finds out." Hawkeye trailed off, not really wanting to know what would happen. "Don't worry, though. It will all be over soon." I hope, he thought silently to himself.
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A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed and liked the story! The fifth one is being written currently, for those of you who aren't bored of this series yet. Note to the masked maniac writer, who reviewed after the fourth chapter - I was getting to the part where they do something about it, as you may have just read in this chapter depending on whether you stuck around to or not. Thanks again everyone!
"Radar," Hawkeye began, finding the Clerk at his desk. "I need to make a phone call."
"Yes sir," Radar replied, beginning the process for this action.
"Remember, I am never a sir," Hawkeye told him. "Only Burns is a sir, and hopefully the new Queen of England will have the common sense NOT to knight him."
"I'll get it right one day. Sparky? Yeah, it's me. I need to place a call to."
"Ferret Face's last unit," Hawkeye filled in the blank.
"Ferr. oh, erm, the 157th, okay? Yeah, I'll hold." Covering the receiver, Radar asked, "Why there?"
"You'll see," Hawkeye assured him, being passed the receiver. "Hello? 157th? This is Captain Pierce, of the 4077th M*A*S*H. Can you tell me; do you know if your unit recently contained a Major Frank Burns? Yeah. you all hated him?"
Hawkeye spent the next ten minutes listing down the offences that Frank had caused whilst being present in the unit.
"Thank you very much, you've been most helpful."
"Now what?" Radar asked as Hawkeye replaced the receiver.
"Now we call anyone who will listen, and tell them that we want Burns out," Hawkeye told him.
"Who first?"
Hawkeye called three people before he found what he was looking for.
"Hello? General Cole? Captain Pierce, of the 4077th M*A*S*H. I understand that you know a Colonel Frank Burns?"
"Burns? Oh yes, him," Cole replied, sounding as though he rated Frank being close to something nasty upon the sole of one's shoe.
"I'll be frank, Colonel, although not Frank Burns. He is the newly appointed commander of our unit, and he is a complete and utter shambles. His diploma as a doctor is just worthy as being the paper in the latrines, and his skills as a commander are not worth even that. The camp morale has dropped so low that it is unthinkable, thus causing us to lose more and more patients, even without his help in the OR. He has outlawed drinking, gambling, and generally anything to keep us sane. His latest feat is that he has sent one of our three surgeons, not including himself in that number, on guard duty over the past two nights, and this surgeon now has a severe case of hypothermia. We have considered mutiny, but have decided to go about a case like this in the proper way before that occurs. Whatever the outcome, General, this man is a lunatic, who is power-hungry and wants his own way all the time. It may sound very harsh, but this unit cannot function for much longer unless someone does something!"
The General listened patiently to Hawkeye's long speech, and answered calmly. "I promise you now, something will be done, and it will be done soon."
This was not the answer that Hawkeye had expected. "It will?"
"I'll tell you something, Pierce," Cole began. "I met Burns, and I know exactly what you are talking about. General Stratton promoted him, and I objected to it for many of the reasons you listed. Bernie wouldn't listen to reason, though. I meant to keep track of Burns' movement, but I never found the unit he was stationed at. Now that I have, and you have voiced your own opinion of him, I will make sure that something is done. I will set up a hearing, and if all goes well, Burns will be out and you will be appointed a new, more capable CO."
Hawkeye digested the information before replying, "Thank you, General. It is good to know that there is someone at the top with competence." Hawkeye decided that a complement would not hurt.
"Thank you, Pierce. It is also reassuring to know that there are those nearer the bottom with ingenuity."
"Just one thing, Colonel. You are sure that you can provide us a CO who is better than Burns?"
"I can't think of anyone worse than Burns, but yes, I do promise that. Good day, and we will speak again soon."
Hawkeye replaced the receiver in the box, feeling considerably happier than he had felt for quite a few days. He turned to Radar. "It's done. He's going to get a court hearing, and if all goes well, we'll get a new CO."
Relief washed over Radar's face, but before he could report the good news to the camp, Hawkeye stopped him. "Not yet, Radar. This stays between us for the moment. If word gets around and Frank finds out." Hawkeye trailed off, not really wanting to know what would happen. "Don't worry, though. It will all be over soon." I hope, he thought silently to himself.
~
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~
A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed and liked the story! The fifth one is being written currently, for those of you who aren't bored of this series yet. Note to the masked maniac writer, who reviewed after the fourth chapter - I was getting to the part where they do something about it, as you may have just read in this chapter depending on whether you stuck around to or not. Thanks again everyone!