Chapter 2 of 7: The First Hour
(c) February 27, 2002, last update June 22, 2002
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She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey
"Cordelia." With that one word, Angel could hear the mix of his own emotions echoing from the receiver.
"What, I'm hardly gone a week and you forget your oh-so-important best gal friend?" Cordy chirped at her end.
"Of course not," Angel asserted, feeling his shoulders relax as his back unconsciously straightened up. Why does she always have this effect on me? He barely contained the joy in his voice, "So how are you? Where are you? Enjoying the vacation?"
"Things couldn't be better." Cordelia responded, emphasizing the last word. Angel noted, somewhat despondently, that her tone was brighter than it had been for months. Maybe a little too bright? "We drove down the coast and found this great beach with tons of surfers. It's been way too long since I felt the sand between my toes."
Angel wrestled with the disappointment creeping in, "So I guess you're still with..." He trailed off, still unable to say his name aloud.
"Well, yah?" Cordelia retorted. "I'm not vacationing by myself." Then she asked, a little more kindly, "Angel, how are you doing?"
Not as good as you. Angel fought the urge to shoot the remark back.
Don't make her feel guilty. Be glad that the time away has done her good. Cordy being happy is good. It shouldn't hurt me. It shouldn't matter.
He switched into automatic heroic selflessness mode. "I'm great, everything's great." he droned, trying to muster the same level of enthusiasm in her voice. He tried to picture the joyous place she was calling from.
Is Groo hovering beside you? What have you been doing all week? He was going crazy. Yes, I've already established that I'm a glutton for punishment. No need to drive the stake in further.
Cordy obviously didn't buy it. "Okay, what's wrong?"
Angel hid a smile, although there was no need to. Never could keep anything from you, could I? He tried the flippant approach. "Not much, the usual cases, letting the money roll in. You know, what Angel Investigations is supposed to be doing." He could almost hear the impatient breath she let out.
"Obviously 'usual' is the key theme here." Cordelia remarked wryly. "As usual, your 'I'm excused from admitting my feelings because I'm the world's savior and have the weight of that on my shoulders' delusions are getting in the way. I bet we're back to wearing the dark colours, aren't we?" Without waiting for a response, she continued, annoyed, "Angel, will you just tell me what's bothering you?" She paused, then spoke, slightly panicked. "Oh god, it's not Connor, is it?"
Angel's mouth went dry, tempted to tell a lie just to get her to come back to him. I lost her once before. I've seen how my lies affect her. I won't deceive her like that. Not again.
"No," he said, somewhat hoarsely. "And it's not Wes or Fred or Gunn... it's not anyone." Except, maybe me. But I don't count. I shouldn't ever count. Not where you're concerned.
"Oh." Cordy breathed on the other line, obviously relieved. Right about now, you'll be beaming that mega-watt smile. But I'm not on the receiving end.
"So, how is our little munchkin?" she asked, casually.
Angel blinked his eyes, confused. So, that's it? What happened to giving me the third degree? Cautiously, he replied, "He's fine. He's been sleeping longer hours but I think he misses his mother." The words slipped out before he considered their impact. His unbeating heart did a flip-flop. I never intended to use that card.
Hesitantly, Cordelia softly spoke, "Well, it's only natural for Connor to reach out for his mother. Even if he never actually met her."
Angel's mind reeled. She misread what I said. I can take it back. Pretend it never happened. He couldn't perpetuate the myth. "Connor misses you." he clarified quietly.
A pregnant pause ensued. I had to tell her the truth. She has to know what she means to my son. What I think.
"I miss him too." she admitted. Angel's heart flew up and caught in his throat.
"And me?" he asked, before he could stop himself.
Say you made a mistake in leaving. It's not the sun and the blinding sand you want. You're a queen of the night, the darkness; you are my light. Say you want me back.
"You shouldn't even ask that." she replied, simply. Is that a touch of wistfulness in her tone or is that just wishful thinking on my part?
"Obviously I miss everyone." she continued, hurriedly. Angel's heart sank again. She laughed, "I can't believe I'm telling you this, but Groo and I went to sing karaoke last night. Luckily, he can't carry a tune better than any of us regular folk." Angel's heart started inflating again. Cordelia went on, "I half expected some green demon outcast from some Kwok-wok clan to give me my aura." She paused for dramatic effect, then dead-panned. "I gotta tell ya. It was a real let-down when the host for the evening turned out to be very human. Tell me there isn't something seriously wrong with me!"
Angel chuckled, despite his dejection.
"There!" Cordy said triumphantly, "That wasn't so terrible, was it? Geez, when you first came on, you sounded as if you lost your favorite kitty-cat." She laughed again, the sounds of it rolling light as a tinkle.
Angel kept grinning, knowing he looked like an idiot. Who's watching me, anyway? They were silent for a moment, letting themselves revel in their mirth.
"So, you gonna fess up to what's got you down with the mopey or do I have to find other ways to sneak it out of you?" Cordy questioned, conspiratorially.
Angel shook his head in amazement. So, you didn't forget. Aren't you a sly one; buttering me up so you could pounce on me again. He froze, suddenly envisioning the images those thoughts just conjured up.
Control yourself.
Shaking his head harder, he considered confessing all his feelings over the phone. Yah, that'll get her faster than you can say 'restraining order.' Real smooth idea, Romeo. Besides, 248 years of habit can't change with a one hour phone conversation.
Decidedly, he tried shrugging the inquiry off a second time. "Nothing. It was just a momentary lapse."
Cordelia faltered, evidently unconvinced. "Angel." she began disapprovingly. Suddenly a cheery male voice broke in, followed by muffled whispering and a sigh. "Angel?" Cordy repeated. "I'm really sorry but I have to cut this short. Groo and I are supposed to head to a party now. We're good, right? There's nothing that has to be said today, right?"
"Yeah, sure." Angel instinctively responded. Did I mention that you've been on my mind for the last 7 days? While you were out having a life without me?
"Great." Cordy concluded enthusiastically. "Give Connor my love and say hi to everyone for them. Oh, and Angel?" she added, somewhat breathlessly, "I promise to call again soon... as long as you remember to put on the lighter colours next time. 'Kay?"
With that last remark, Angel let the smile play on his lips. The last thing he heard from the other end was her softly tinkling laughter again. When he heard the dial tone, he gently replaced the receiver. Sticking his hands in his pockets, he made a jaunt downstairs. For once, that week, he had something to look forward to.
Tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded?
And that heaven is overrated?