Chapter 6 of 7: Venus in Disguise
(c) March 3, 2002 , updated May 26, 2002
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And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
"Alright, Cordelia." Angel agreed. I'm not walking away from you again.
"Okay..." Cordelia said, uncertainly. "I got your messages. All seven of them."
I would have left you more.
"The hotel desk clerk thought I was cheating on Groo," she continued. One can only hope. "I should have realized you had me tracked down."
Angel winced at her words. She sounded so glum. It's just because I care.
"I know you care about me." she said softly.
You want me to stop. You want to me to back off.
But she didn't. "Groo does that too." She sighed resignedly. "He keeps following me around, like a lost puppy-dog. It's so ... oh, I don't know why, but I ..." she stopped in midsentence. Just say it. "He's really good to me. He keeps wanting to please me." And he should. "I mean, he's my perfect guy." I know. "He's gorgeous... those amazing eyes of his. He's also brave... and kind." I can take this. "And gentle. I'm his entire world." You better be. He actually gave up his dimension, his life... for me. Tell me that's not what I've always wanted."
"It's what you've always wanted." Angel dissented quietly. You always made that quite clear.
"It's like he has no flaws! Not according to the Queen C list."
He heard a wringing despair in her voice. So why aren't you happy?
Suddenly, she let out a laugh. It was from deep within her belly and sounded strangely forced. "I have to tell you what happened on the beach the other day." When she was sure he was listening, she went on. "I was wading out to sea, when all of a sudden this huge wave crashed down on me."
And the first instinct you had was to check your hair. It doesn't matter... you would have been breathtaking, as always.
"And at first I was so worried about looking like this totally drowned rat. But Groo wouldn't have cared." The bastard. "I ... I wasn't really paying attention to anything else but my hair and then I saw my bikini top." Uh oh. "In the water."
That's it. I'll eliminate everyone who saw you.
"Well, Groo was just his gentlemanly self. He helped get it back and shielded me from everyone else until I had it on again." Silence reigned as Angel's imaginary beating heart dropped with a thud. "I thought everything was fine when we got back onto the beach. Groo went to get my towel because I was still dripping wet. Then this guy decided to come up and start hitting on me. When I said no, he just ... leered... and called me all these horrible..." she stopped abruptly.
Yeah, I get the idea. I'm going to enjoy tracking him down and ripping his head right off... These are not unhealthy thoughts.
"And then Groo came back. And he asked me, in his sweet little way, if I thought it would be inappropriate for him to defend my honour. Well, duh, after the humiliation... After Groo had pretty much beaten the guy senseless... don't get me wrong, that ass totally deserved it. But, I don't know... something was just..."
Missing?
"Remember when you came to visit me on the set of that commercial? Right before we got sucked into the whole dimensional nightmare that turned into Pylea?"
Of course I do. You kicked me off the set.
"I knew you were just protecting me. Making sure I wasn't getting in over my head."
Sure. Yeah, that's what I was doing.
"It was ... I thought it was really thoughtful of you. I know I yelled at you and ... well, I never got to thank you for offering to serve that jerk's head on a platter."
"You're welcome." Angel replied, stunned. Where's this going?
"I have a confession." Cordy whispered secretively. Angel unconsciously leaned forward. "I ... wanted to laugh..." Angel was speechless.
This is it. I'm a joke.
"...at Groo." ? Angel did an about-face. Then, his ears perked up. "He was trying to be my hero, being all macho in his adorably innocent way. And I love that about him. But, he was just ... not that effective." Angel's brows raised.
He's not your champion...?
"You do it much better." she confessed.
Angel's unbeating heart pumped. Once. Twice...
"You know, you're my very best friend. Like ever?" she queried sweetly.
Angel was taken aback, but he humoured her sudden change of topic, "Really..."
"Yeah." she affirmed. "I thought I'd just say it ... to get it out there."
"Okay." He was stumped. But I like being reminded that I'm your best friend, anyway.
"Because it can't ever be taken back." Cordy warned, her voice apprehensive.
"I don't want you to take it back." Angel assured her. I still don't know where this is going. He patiently let her speak again.
"There are so many reasons why you're my best friend," she went on. "Besides being all protective about me. Besides making me feel ultra safe, like I have my own guardian..."
He smirked at her unintentional witticism.
"You've got this wacky sense of humour that no one sees. Okay, no one gets it, because, it's like centuries old, but it's funny to me... you're also this great father to Connor. Plus you can be so sweet and kind and self-sacrificing. And you know how to make a girl feel..." She let out a shaky laugh. "Okay, not coming out the way I want it to."
She paused to collect her thoughts before going on. "You put everyone else before yourself. And your sole mission in life is to make the world a better place. For all of us. Which I realize is really difficult because..." she trailed off.
Because I'm a vampire. I'm not like everyone else. I'm not like you. You can say it.
She didn't.
"Because of the whole 'independent for so many years' thing. But you've been letting other people in. You let me in. And you know what? I feel really honoured to have gotten this far with you."
Angel felt something moist on his cheek. He distractedly wiped it away, blaming the wind. But the privilege was actually mine.
"I don't really mind the tall, dark, mystery thing you got going for you either. It's kind of cool watching you be really really hot and intimidating with your black fashion statement. Hot...? Did I hear you correctly? I mean, for best friend bragging rights.
Bragging rights... ?
"And here I thought you disliked the broody," he said, trying to make light of the conversation. All while contemplating her words.
"I don't really dislike the 'broody,'" Cordy admitted. "It's who you've been for over two hundred years... it is who you are, and I couldn't... wouldn't change that about you." Suddenly, she seemed nervous again. "I just think that you have other facets to yourself to explore. And it would be a shame if you were really old... like nine hundred and ninety nine years old, and wishing you had laughed more. No one wishes they had been more broody." she paused, letting her words sink in.
Angel inhaled slowly and held his breath. She likes me for who I am. She doesn't want me to be someone else. She just wants me to be happy.
"Besides, I want the credit for getting you to laugh first." she joked. "This Sunnydale cheerleader's going down in the history books for that incredible and impossible feat."
Angel let the air he was holding out through a chuckle. "I'll make sure of that." I won't let anyone forget it. Least of all, myself.
"I know." Cordy responded, but it was laced with unmistakable melancholy. So we still haven't gotten to what's on your mind.
Angel frantically replayed the last couple of minutes of conversation. He had to get her talking. He said the first thing that came to his mind. "Did you just use the word 'facet'?" Angel asked her incredulously. Sure, that'll get her to say what's really on her mind.
"Yeah." she giggled sheepishly. "And 'intimidating'. I'm expanding my vocab. I figured, I know what it means, so ... why not use it?" Angel laughed in amazement, as she giggled again, "Chalk it up to Fred's influence. I've got to stop shopping with that crazy girl! I might be in danger of sounding smart."
"We can't let that happen." Angel said loftily. An awkwardness settled on them, as they both laughed heartily.
Cordelia was obviously going to keep her mouth shut on what had been bothering her. Angel reflected on his phone conversation - all his conversations with her from the past week. Slowly, realization dawned on him.
She's been reaching out to me. All this time, she's had something gnawing at her and she's been trying to talk to me about it. He mentally berated himself. I've been so preoccupied with my jealousy that I wasn't even listening to her. Not really. He silently sent a message to her. I know now. Let me be your best friend. Come to me. I'm ready.
Seconds ticked by. Angel looked up at the blinking stars. It was as if magic dust had fallen. He steeled himself for the inevitable. A chime broke.
"He asked me to go back with him." she told him. Without emotion. Without passion. "He wanted to stay with me; he would give everything up - his home, his people, his life in Pylea - for me. But it wasn't for him. I couldn't let him do it."
Angel felt the hollowness in his chest. No.
"I haven't said yes yet." she said, barely above a whisper. "I don't know what to say."
Say no. Angel's mind cried out.
"When we were in Pylea last year, I had all the answers."
Nothing's changed since then.
"Now..." now she was whispering.
Deep down I always thought you'd stay with me.
"I always intended to be with you every step of your journey."
You still can.
"I always expected to see you shanshu."
I thought the Powers That Be were giving me a chance. I really did believe that you were mine to keep.
"In my mind... my heart... I thought I would always be there. Right beside you." I won't accept this. I can't.
"We have to send him back to Pylea." she said with finality. "There's no choice." It only applies to him.
Cordy became hushed. Angel stood up; his chest and mind churned furiously.
"I've got to go now." she said. Off in the distance, the lady of the moon weeped. I don't want to lose you.
He knew he couldn't go to her, even though he desperately wanted to. But it's her decision. Hers to make. He was resolved to stand behind her, no matter what the cost. For once, he had to accept being on the sidelines; to accept the uncertainty.
For once, he had to accept his helplessness to change the future.
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way