Chapter 7: Soliloquay to Imagination
(c) March 3, 2002, last update June 22, 2002
~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ @ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~ ~~ * ~~
The Hyperion lobby was empty.
Wesley's office was empty.
Angel Investigation's desks were empty.
Yet the moon kept its constant vigilance.
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-friend chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you ... even when I know you're wrong
Angel stood in his son's room, overlooking the rythmic rising and falling of the baby's chest as he slept in his crib. He was speaking to him softly, as if crooning the melody of his pain.
"She's ready to go. She's ready to leave us...Wes, Gunn, Fred... Dennis. Her home... Like waking up from a bad dream." Not a peep came out of Connor as he continued to slumber.
"I can't tell her to stay. That would be selfish of me." I can't do that. Best friends always stick up for each other and stay together no matter how far apart we are... "She'll have her love..." even when I know he's wrong for her.
Angel reached out to stroke Connor's cheek; then, thinking better of it, he withdrew his hand. All while his son smiled his secrets.
Frustrated, he consciously refused to brood. He let his mind go blank as he observed the pure, uncomplicated being in front of him.
If nothing else, he would always have this. He somberly turned to face the black void outside the window. Angel felt himself hanging by the thread, dangled on a string by the lady of the moon. What else do I need?
Tell me, are all the lights now faded...
Is it because this heaven is overrated...
His phone rang. No more surprises.
"Hello," he said. The cool evening air filtering into the room encompassed him and made his skin turn to ice. It matched the coldness in his dead heart. Goodbye.
"Hello." a bright, girlish voice said solemnly. I forget how young you are sometimes.
Since you fell for a shooting star...
One without a permanent scar
To his ears, it sounded as if she was going through a tunnel. And only getting farther away.
"Have you made your decision yet?" he asked with dread. Let me see you one last time.
"Yes." she replied with emotion.
"Are you sure about this?" he demanded fiercely. Betray my emotions. I don't care. I care too much.
"I'm perfectly clear about my decision." she immediately huffed. But she sounded uncomfortable.
The lady of the moon dangled his string in front of her. Are you imagining your life without it all? Without what's yet to come? He didn't realize she'd heard him.
"Yes." Her answer was like an Arctic freeze.
"There's so much you haven't done yet." Angel heard himself telling her impulsively. Because I can still sweep you off your feet...
"So much you haven't seen," he found himself protesting. We can dance along the light of day...
"So much you haven't experienced." He couldn't stop. Head back towards the Milky Way...
"You'll be regretting so much." The floodgates were almost open now. The best soy latte you ever had... and...
"And we'll miss you."
For some reason, she laughed in wild delight. But she continued his train of thought with a dash of sorrow. "Why? I was never a good secretary. And I'm sure the Powers That Be have a pool of resources to dip into. You could be assigned a Seer in no time."
"You're irreplaceable." Angel insisted. She snorted.
"You can still shanshu without me. I'm not the one standing in the way." she said, dubiously.
"I doubt it." The moon cackled at the ignorance.
"I can't believe you." She exclaimed. "We're back to the same issues again. After everything you've been through and all that you've seen, you'd think that you would learn to deal with it."
So we're back to me again. Let it out. Anything, to hear a little passion in your voice. "But I can't. I can't even imagine how."
"Then don't." she said contemptuously. "Contrary to what your 'remember only my bad-ass historical torment' memory says, I have some reasons for angsty-ness too." Right, the visions that are my fault.
But she wasn't thinking of her visions. "You think I liked the idea of growing up in the Hellmouth?" she fired at him. "You, of all people, know that it was no picnic for anyone human. And made worse by being associated with the Slayer even in some small way. So I haven't had my issues as long as you. But then again, I never wanted to. So I dealt with it. I accepted it."
"Dealing with it, accepting it. I have. What do you think all these years in L.A. have been about?" he defended himself. I have, haven't I?
"Be honest with yourself for once. If you had, would you be so ready to throw yourself into self-torture mode over and over again? Tell me, when was the last time you got over your own ego and moved ahead? And I don't mean beating the crap out of evil-doers or leaving by the closest exit as fast as possible. I'm talking about coming to terms with what you will never be able to change. And quitting all the self-indulgent suffering until you can be magically fulfilled."
"I have to atone for my mistakes." he rebutted quietly. As if that explains everything, sums up my whole existence.
"Yeah, and you've got all the black cloud melodrama to go with it. How deep can you sink into your own mess of a twisted past? Are you even learning from it? Other than the standard 'I've been burned so I won't touch no-no situations with my favorite weapon' and the 'I'm resolved to make up for every dumbass evil thing the demon I used to be did' lesson, what do you get out of it? What are you really doing about it?" Cordy challenged.
"My redemption --."
She seemed to ignore him. "You say you want to regain your humanity. Well, I think you need to do more than just save every helpless person in your path to earn it. You need to live it too." Teach me how... "Figure out a way to save the world not out of duty but because you enjoy it. Do yourself a big favour Angel and quit floundering on the sidelines. Don't imagine how you'll get your real redemption; learn to live for it."
Angel gaped at his unseen reflection in the window, his mouth moving noiselessly. The moon gave a bitter chortle, and he was startled to hear it was coming from him. That set her off on another furious tirade.
"What's wrong with riding the coat tails of a little faith anyway? You believe that evil will always find some wacko way to cause you more misery and things to brood over. Well, how about believing that good will always be able to defeat it? There's a solution to everything. So why won't you believe that you'll discover it one day? Cuz, if you could look in the mirror, you'd see that you're a good guy now. Why won't you even try?" She paused to take in a breath. "Does your time with us...with me... really mean that little to you?"
The silence between them was thick in the air. The cord he was hanging on was wearing thin.
"When did you start getting wise on me?" he gulped, not knowing how to process what she was telling him, much less respond. But he still tried chipping at the ice.
"Since I started playing nursemaid to my sad, sorry, bruised egghead of a best friend who's old enough to be my great great great grand-father and still can't keep a happy thought." she quipped. There was no laughter in her voice. The tension hung again. Angel reached for the turning point.
Tell me, are you lonely looking for yourself out there?
"Cordy, I can't tell you how precious my life here... with you... means to me." Angel implored her to listen. I'm done with being a coward. "I don't want my angst to define me. I don't want you to leave."
She wasn't letting him off the hook so easily. "Why?" she demanded.
"Because I'll miss you." His voice was low. There was no taking it back.
"Will you?" she questioned him fiercely. "I didn't think I mattered so much."
"You do." he reassured her calmly. "You matter more than I can ever express."
She wasn't certain. "But I only matter because I'm your Seer. You don't need me." she accused. "You left me once before, in the not so distant past. Remember? Everyone knows that you don't need to be happy in L.A. You won't need me when you're human again." she held back a sob.
Angel riled back, horrified. Oh, Cordelia. You've been holding back... and I underestimated my power to hurt you. Is that what you've been thinking? All this time?
"But my shanshu is not for a long time from now. My curse isn't going anywhere soon." he started saying desperately. I should have realized earlier that even though you forgave me, the betrayal was never truly forgotten. Please, let me fix this.
She cut in, not letting him finish, "It's still so easy for you to give it all up, isn't it? Oh, I get it. I'm not the Slayer. I'm not a blonde. I can't ever be what you want. Heaven only knows pure happiness to you is still in Sunnydale. Not in the City of the eternally dark Angel. Or with me." The grip on his cord tightened.
"Are you so sure of that?" he asked harshly.
"Are you telling me I'm wrong?" she bit back.
"Maybe I am." She fell silent, disbelieving him. I have to make her understand. I'm not the same person as before. I want a future.
The cord was incredibly taut; now was his chance. With razor sharp determination, he cut it. And in that instant, he broke free.
"Cordelia, you must know that I've let you in more than anyone else in my life. That includes everyone." He let her consider what he was trying to tell her for a moment, "Cordy, I'm done brooding about the past. I realized this week that I only want to figure things out for the future."
"And how exactly will you do that?" The scepticism in her voice was still apparent.
Just as you said," he said quietly. "I'll deal with it. I'm accepting it. I'm not giving up. Not on you. Not on Connor. Or anyone else. Not even on me. And eventually... I'll find a way."
"How do you know it'll work out?" She sounded so weary.
For the first time, he was entirely honest with her. "Because I'll always have the strength of your beliefs. Regardless of where you are, I'll always have you."
"Oh," she said, rendered speechless. She weighed the implication of his words. And then, again, "Oh," as if she thought of something. She whispered, with a hint of regret, "You haven't asked me what I decided."
"No, I guess not." Angel admitted. He lifted his head up and asked her, "What are you going to do next?"
"Before I tell you, I need to confess something. I need you to understand what was wrong with me," she began, her voice cracking. "I accused you of being cowardly but the truth is, you could say the same about me. You wanted to help me before, but I avoided answering you."
Angel heard the heartwrenching despair in her voice. "Go on," he encouraged her gently. "I'm listening."
"The truth is, you don't deserve to be in the dark anymore," she confided. "I went away, originally, on vacation with this incredibly decent, so 'not fitting my track record' kind of guy. Then, I got the chance to jump into an uncomplicated world... at least compared to this one." Cordy was trying to be impassive now, but he still felt the underlying intensity. "Suddenly, it was this quest to figure out what my life in this dimension is really about. Because ever since I walked into the hell that my whole being revolves around now, I've just been going through the motions. Trying to do the right thing. Like wanting to keep the visions so much that I even became a demon? And so I started to imagine my life without all that crazy mojo and madness."
She paused; Angel held his breath. "But the more I imagined my life away from the gang, away from my home, and everything that has made me who I am today, it all went back to one thing... " Her voice was racked with heavy emotion, as she concluded softly. "I couldn't face the prospect of losing you... Insanity inducing occurrances and earth-shattering dilemnas aside, I really, truly love... my life... as it is now. Maybe it's because I never really lived until I came here. Or maybe it's because I dedicated my life to you. Angel, all this time, I've been brooding over you."
The hole in his chest was mending. And for not the first time since they'd started their phone conversation, he couldn't speak.
The lady of the moon was waving goodbye. All of a sudden, Cordelia didn't seem so far away anymore. Comprehension dawned.
"Cordy," he said slowly. Carefully. "Where's Groo?"
Cordelia hesitated for a fraction of a second. "He's in Pylea." The admission was heartfelt; it encompassed him.
And he was in a trance.
"I called Wesley and asked him to come by to send him off properly." she explained calmly. "He's not coming back to our dimension."
Then where are you Cordy?
His ears heard a deafening roar. His chest felt the intense pounding of her heart. This had to be a fantasy.
But it felt, smelled, and sounded real.
As if beckoning to him, he looked towards the entrance of the room. And there she was, his Cordy, truly back in the atmosphere. She was framed against the doorway, a vision of loveliness; a goddess in his wildest dreams.
It wasn't his imagination. Neither was the fiery beating of his heart.
Two hearts. One hope. Beating in synchronous motion.
She closed the door behind her and floated towards him tentatively. His phone dropped to the floor. Her phone was in her left hand, still attached to her ear. And a familiar blue bottle was in her other hand, clasped to her breast.
The bottle was still full.
She came to a stand still right in front of him and held out her right hand, trembling. Shining a beautiful smile reserved only for him. Unable to take his eyes off her, he captured both her hand and the bottle, and rested it against his chest. He reached out to take the phone from her left hand and caressed the side of her face. Tenderly. With promise.
And it was the beginning of a new song.
Last update: June 22, 2002