As You Weren't

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

Summary: It's an alternate universe, set during and after "As You Were." Spike is taken back through time, but why? A stronger force arrives in town looking to destroy him.

Rating: Strong R

Author's Note: I didn't really remember much about AYW. I went by the transcript, but did my best. I made up a lot of things but I guess that's why it's AU, hmm?

Prologue: I Wanna Be Sedated

Stake me. Burn me. Decapitate me. Just please do something to make this ache go away. Nothing's ever going to hurt me as much as she does. But not just her hits. Not any of her punches or kicks, no matter how hard she trains. No, it's her words. It's her words that are spoken with a misleading softness, but when it comes down to the main point, those words are sharper than any stake or blade, hotter than any flame, harder than any punch, more cruel than any insult.

"I'm sorry, William."

It's killing her? Good, then. Nothing compares to what I feel right now. I feel dead after a burst of life. Now I'm positive that joy made me feel like my heart was pounding in my chest, even if it really wasn't. With her, I could imagine it did. I could imagine my skin was warm and tan. I could imagine I needed the oxygen to fill my lungs. I could imagine that I was alive. I was alive with her. She's given me the greatest gift anyone could give a vampire. She's brought me the sun.

It's everywhere on her. It's so strong, sometimes I think I can smell all the light. I see it glowing in her hair, even as we lied in the dark. I feel it in that tiny body that I would hold close to me every night. I could hear it whispering around me, burning in my ears through guttural moans, high-pitched cries, my unneeded breaths. Maybe taste it in her skin.

I wasn't using her. She means far too much to me for me to use her. It was just a bonus from the whole package.

I remember the first time she kissed me. Not when we under Red's spell, but when I admitted I'd never hurt her or Dawn after I was tortured by Glory. Oh, how I remember. Her lips were soft against my dry, cracked ones. She was far gentler than any other kiss I'd ever experienced. Everything is sweeter when it's real. Buffybot's a good substitute, but nothing like the real thing.

I take a long sip from a bottle of something strong, I don't care what it is anymore, so long as I don't feel reality creeping in behind me. So I don't feel the loneliness that accompanies rejections and break ups, the ache of abandonment, the loss of a loved one. All that pain. The kind that's not fun. Who wants that? Not me. But it doesn't matter what I want. She calls the shots. I'm just...convenient. Like she said.

It's over for real now. I can tell by the look in her eyes that I'll never kiss her soft lips, never touch her warm skin, and never have someone need me. Buffy was all I wanted and I let her slip through my fingers like... something slippery. What did I do to make her leave me in the first place? I thought things were going well. Did I do something wrong? Did I make her walk away from me?

No. It was that damn Soldier Boy. Why the bleeding hell did he have to come back anyway? It's all his fault. Mr. Sneaky-Initiative-Man.

The worst part of it is, that I'm a delusional poof like my Sire, only I'm delusional without a soul, which is worse. I think. Anyway, I really thought that she'd tell me she loved me. And even if she wouldn't tell me, she'd let me know somehow. Maybe changing her rules. Maybe staying with me the whole night. Maybe telling her friends about us. Buffy doesn't love me. She never has. She's loved another vampire before, she won't go down that road again.

I didn't even see how much she really hated me. I'm so damn goofy in love with her, that I completely missed the part about her not loving me back. She never will. I'm only the one she goes to when she can't stand being around anyone else. She did use me. But that's good enough for me. Not for her, though. I'm not good enough for her. For Drusilla. Nobody. I know that now. Everything's clear. Buffy should have staked me that night she met me. Buffy should have staked me tonight. Then at least I wouldn't have to feel this way.

I wanna be sedated.

~*~*~

Buffy stood at the crypt door for hours, staring at it. Knowing what was there inside.

'Evil,' she tried to tell herself. 'Pure evil.'

She'd laid her hand on the doorknob several times, but never turned it. She opened her mouth to speak even more times, but no words would ever come out. She didn't want to stop sleeping with Spike. It didn't feel right keeping a secret from her friends, and it didn't feel right now being without him either. 'You know it's simple. You know if you just tell your friends you could be with him. Maybe. They may take a little time coping to the idea of you and Spike as a couple... Couple? Since when?'

She jumped when she heard glass breaking. One last time she put her hand on the doorknob, this time turning and using her opposite hand to push the door open.

'Spike?" she called out into the darkness.

"He's not home. Go away."

"Spike..."

"Leave a message after the tone. Damn. Terribly sorry. Tone's broken. Just leave."

Buffy walked deeper into the crypt, struggling to see where he was without light. Spike came up behind her, and rested his hands on her shoulders, then running them down her arms to hold her hands.

"You forget something, luv?" he whispered into her ear.

"Heard a noise," she replied back softly, still gripping his hands.

"From where?"

"Outside."

"Outside? Why were you outside?"

"Spike, you're drunk. I'll...talk to you later." She let go of his hands and turned around.

"You gonna leave me again?" For a brief moment, she caught a glimpse of another side of Spike. The side that she didn't get to see often.

Buffy felt his lips on her neck, gently kissing her. His hands trapped hers again as his lips trailed upwards.

"Stay," he mumbled against her mouth.

"No. It's over."

"Doesn't have to be." Spike let go of one of her hands and placed it on her hip, but it wasn't long before it traveled up to her breast.

"Spike...stop."

"Stop? Or don't stop?"

"Stop."

He stepped back, no longer touching her. "But you came back."

He waited for a reply. When he didn't get one, he continued on. "You know I love you. And I know you hate me. How can you hate someone who loves you as much as I do?"

"I don't hate you."

"You don't love me."

"No. I don't," she said softly. "We...did things...for the wrong reasons, Spike."

"I don't care. You were with me. I liked it and you liked it. What's wrong with that?"

"Everything."

"Or nothing at all." Spike sighed, as he did regularly, even though he didn't need to. Buffy never really understood that. "You should go."

"Yeah. I should."

"Please don't," he whispered. He stepped towards her, but still didn't touch her. "Let me love you one last time." He searched her eyes for a reaction, and then stopped after not finding one. "Didn't think you would."

Buffy bit her lower lip, struggling not to tell him she wanted to sleep with him again. She closed her eyes, trying to fight the urge to kiss him and touch him. She wanted to take him up on his offer all too badly but she knew she couldn't.

"I can't. You know that."

"Couldn't hurt to ask, right? Or, uh, maybe. Yeah. You know, you're the one who started this whole thing. You kissed me first. I just went along with it. You gave me a little tease of what you have and then you took it away from me. You don't understand that even the undead can have feelings."

"Not the kind without souls."

"But I do. I feel. I feel...electricity flowing between us," Spike hovered his hand over her arm, never touching. His finger roamed over her lips, still not touching, but so near it almost felt like he was. "Now. Can you feel it?" He moved away and began to speak before she said anything, in case she said something that would start up all those bad feelings again. "It doesn't matter. Nothing matters," he added quietly.

"I felt it. I always feel it when it comes to you. I won't deny that. But I'm not going to do anything about it. Yeah, Spike, I liked sleeping with you. You're the only one I can even bear to be around. Being with you makes me lie to my friends and have to feel guilty about it."

"You wouldn't have to feel guilty if you could just-"

"I know! But it's not that easy! Why don't you try telling your best friends that you've secretly been having an affair with a man who isn't a man to begin with, he's a vampire! Let alone he's your mortal enemy and has tried to kill them. What would I say? 'Hey, guys, guess what? You brought me up from beyond the grave, I hate it here and I can't stand you people so I started fucking Spike. For months now, too. Isn't that just the damndest thing?'"

"Could work."

"I don't want to be here."

"I don't want you to be here," he lied. He wanted her from the second she walked into his crypt. Moonlight illuminated her when she stepped in, the door still open. Now it was completely dark, but he could still see with his eyesight. Unfortunately, her expression was unreadable and he couldn't tell if she was lying as well.

"Are you going to tell my friends?"

"No. Not unless you ask me to."

"Thank you." Buffy started to go, but paused when he called her name.

"I'll...I'll be leaving you alone now. I won't come along for patrol or pop in at your house or anything like that. Consider me gone completely."

"Ok," she answered weakly. "Then this is it. This is goodbye."

"It's no big deal. You hate me. Or...don't hate me, as the case may be. Nothing to get worked up about."

"I'm not worked up."

"Your eyes are shiny. Like you're about to cry."

"No reason to cry."

He turned away from her. "Nope. See you never, Slayer."

"See you never, Spike," her voice broke in the middle of the sentence as the onslaught of tears threatened to pour. He was right. There was nothing to be emotional about. So then why did she feel like crying?

Spike clenched his eyes shut, fighting the battle that raged within him. He wanted to throw himself on the ground and beg her not to leave him. The other side of him wanted that bitch gone. He felt like his whole body was being torn in two. He felt like his unbeating heart was breaking inside his chest. He felt.

He reached for a bottle, hoping it had something in it. He needed to dull the emotional dagger that kept stabbing his heart. This was one way.

"I just wanted to let you know that...if I knew my friends wouldn't react badly to this situation...I'd still be with you. I'd probably be with you now," she sniffled, getting too weak to hold it all in.

"I'd be holding you in my arms and kissing you. I'd lay with you until you fell asleep, keeping you close," Spike stopped to sniffle too. "Doesn't matter anymore."

"I guess not." She watched his dark figure walk towards her, then open the door. For the first time since she left him, she saw him clearly. He wasn't really different, just minute traces of something human. Something she never noticed before. Buffy placed her hand on Spike's cheek, stroking cold skin with her thumb. He put his own hand over hers, not really wanting more. Just liking what they were sharing.

Her lips pressed against his softly. Too soft. Too short. Before he knew it, she was gone. And he was awake.