Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.
The door opened, and he heard the rain still falling, coming down furiously. The sound made him tense and angry even, because he knew what had let the sound in. The door closed, and all he heard now was her footsteps. Funny. She was the Slayer. She was supposed to be stealthy.
"Hi," she said softly to him. The hair on the back of his neck rose. Yeah, he was angry and he knew now for sure.
"Wet out there," he replied with equal softness that hid the annoyance he felt.
"Yeah. It is." She sat next to him on the coffin where he was reading a book. "Whatcha readin'?"
Spike showed her the cover, and then took in her appearance. She was soaking wet, and wearing the military ensemble. That made him mad, too. "Nice outfit."
Buffy could sense that he was different somehow. He was distant and...something else that she couldn't pinpoint. "Is something wrong, Spike?"
He shook his head.
Liar. The entire time she'd been here, he hadn't even looked her in the eyes. Something was wrong but he wasn't going to tell her. He was going to be difficult again. "I'm sorry about not meeting you on Tuesday."
"It doesn't matter. It's in the past. And I wasn't drunk last night." She nodded as if she understood what had happened.
"I love you." He didn't respond. He sat in his growing pile of anger. "Even when you're mean or quiet, I love you. Even when you don't look at me, I love you. Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong."
"Tell me you love me." Buffy's words burned into his chest. The last time she said it was before his time travelling stunt. Last time she said it because the man who broke her heart was married to someone else, and she wanted Spike to make her feel loved. This time she was saying it because the vampire she loved was breaking her heart now.
Spike was feeling less mad, but it was hard to form the words. He loved her. He always loved her and would never stop. He just couldn't say it right now.
"And even if you don't say it back, God help me, Spike, I love you." Buffy walked out of the crypt, letting in the agonizing sound of the rain again, and this time after the door slammed shut, there were no sounds. There was only silence.
~*~*~
Buffy leaned against Spike's door. She felt like she was dying. Her whole body felt numb and sick and her heart felt like it was being choked. Spike didn't tell her he loved her. He was cold to her. He'd spent a year telling her that he loved her and following her around, and now once she returned his feelings, he doesn't say a word. Was it a joke? Did he wait until she loved him back so he could hurt her in the worst way? She didn't understand. She didn't want to understand. She just wanted Spike to love her.
The door opened from behind her and she came face to face with the source of the pain she was feeling. She froze for a second, then followed her natural instinct and ran away from him.
"Buffy, wait!" Spike yelled. He ran after her, using all of his speed and energy to run as fast as he could to catch up with him. Buffy was doing the same, but she could run faster.
He knew what he saw when she looked at him. He saw inside her eyes, inside her soul. She was crying, breaking inside. She was filled with anguish and fury because of what he did. And he sat there being mad at nothing. Now the only anger he had was at himself.
Soon Buffy had to stop. She couldn't stop crying, which left her gasping for air, and plus she was running. The rain soaked her through and through, but she didn't care. Her body hurt, inside and out. She didn't even feel this way when Angel left her. She hurt then, but she felt worse now. Spike didn't leave her. He intentionally hurt her. He tricked her. And now she felt like...like she ran into a wall. Like something was crushing her.
Spike finally got to her. She was sitting in the mud with her legs drawn up to her chest. When he looked at her face, it was impossible to tell what were raindrops and what were tears. She stood up quickly.
"Buffy, I'm sorry." He moved in to take her hand but she pulled her hand out of his grasp and started to walk away. He looked into her eyes again and saw panic. She really didn't want to be around him now, and that hurt him. No, it wasn't fair to say that. He deserved it. He treated her horribly. The rain grew even heavier around them. It drummed against the ground in a loud and relentless pattern. There was a light rumble of thunder that felt almost ominous. Spike looked at her one last time. Her whole body was shaking with the sobs that were wracking through her. He was sorry, he really was. He started to walk away. He couldn't look at her anymore, at what he did.
"Spike." He turned to her. "Don't you love me?" He nodded. "Then why didn't you say it? Why did you...you let me get hurt, Spike. When you love someone, you don't let them get hurt. And not only did you let me get hurt, you were the one who hurt me. I told you I loved you, and sat there ignoring me."
"I'm sorry." She tried to wipe away the water on her face. "I love you, you know I do. You know that I wouldn't hurt you-"
"But you did! I feel like I'm dying inside and it's because of you!" she yelled.
"I didn't mean to."
"Then why did you?"
He sighed and pushed back the wet hair that was falling in his face. "Because I'm insane. I was mad at you for absolutely no reason and I acted stupidly. I messed up, Buffy. And I keep messing up. I am sorry for last night and I am sorry for tonight."
"You were mad at me? If anyone was mad, it should've been me!" By now, she wasn't yelling just because she was irritated. She had to yell to keep her voice above the sound of the rain and thunder.
"You? You were with Riley! You're probably working for the Initiative again and those bastards are playing with my chip and making it do things to my head! You forgot about me! If you knew anything about me, you'd know that working with the Initiative would make me angry and that even if I didn't say it, I do love you. Love goes beyond words." He sighed. "I didn't mean to get mad, pet. I love you. I'd say it a thousand times a day for eternity if you wanted me to."
"How did you know I was working with Riley in the Initiative? No one knows about that. I'm not allowed to tell anyone. How did you know?"
"Look, I was just going to your house to apologize and I saw Riley in the driveway so I hid in the bushes and..."
"You were spying on me?"
"You weren't going to tell me." They were still yelling so that they could hear each other, but both of their comments had a soft, quiet edge to it. "I didn't intend to spy on you. Look, Buffy, it's cold out here and the rain is getting to be a real pain in the ass. I don't want you to get sick. Let's sort this out at my place, okay?" She looked like she wasn't going to go anywhere and wasn't changing her mind about anything. "What am I going to have to do to make everything okay again?"
She was staring at a tombstone blankly. "Did I hurt you when you found out I was with Riley and working for the Initiative?"
"Yes."
"Good," she said. Spike watched the Slayer walk away until he couldn't see her anymore. He was furious now. Buffy was being unfair and cruel. It wasn't like he intentionally meant to hurt her feelings. She was keeping secrets from him. Honestly, he was too but she didn't know about his. No harm, no foul. She wasn't even going to tell him about the Initiative, either. Lately Buffy was messing up much more than Spike was, in his opinion.
He ran after her earlier because he cared, and what did she do? She fought with him. And she wanted to hurt him. Maybe even if Spike put everything he had into a relationship with Buffy, it wasn't enough. He would need her cooperation and dedication, but that wasn't something Buffy was willing to give.
The rain really was bad luck. Stupid rain. He knew that there was something wrong about it when he felt the first drop fall. Oh, God. At the moment, Spike felt like breaking something into pieces. He walked off to the Bronze in need of a drink...or more.
~*~*~
I've walked around this cemetery at least four times now. I always end up back here. To him. I wonder if he's in there. I wonder if he's mad at me. I think I messed up. I think I've blown it. If he's in there and he's mad at me and I try to talk to him, I know we'll end up fighting. I don't want to fight. I love him. But does he love me?
My throat hurts from yelling earlier. I'm cold and I'm soaked and I don't care. All I can think about right now is trying to work it out with Spike. I ruined my relationship with Riley because I was too aggressive and I have a feeling that Spike's not going to take much more of my attitude. I don't even know how we've come this far. We're different, aren't we? Maybe not as much as I thought.
I thought I knew him. I thought I knew what he was about and everything there was to know about him. Now I know I'm wrong. There are new things that I've just learned and things he's made me wonder about. I know now that when he's asleep, he looks almost like an angel. He looks peaceful and honest and good and everything that an angel is. I know he reads poetry and great classic books. I know the look he gives me when he tells me wordlessly that he's sorry. I thought I knew all his facial expressions. I'm surprised each day when I'll see him from another angle or different lighting and he won't look the same. I'm surprised when he smiles, at the angelic sleep face, at shocked face, pleasure face, sad face, almost dead face, angry face. Heh. Bruised-bloodied-and-bashed-in face caused by me. I'm surprised he knows me inside and out and I barely know anything about him.
Spike watches me. He watches me fight, eat, sleep, walk, talk, cry, laugh, make love. Everything. He knows me. Maybe because unlike him, I'm willing to be known. I tell him about each of the scars on my body that he'll stop and ask about. I tell him I like to be held tightly and closely like he'll never let me go. I remember on Tuesday when we were laying on his duster before I went to sleep, I kept telling him how much I loved him. I told him I thought he was so gorgeous, so perfect. I want to watch him the way he watches me. I want to see him in every angle and in every light. I want to learn every expression. I want to know him and his past. I even want to know William. But I may not even have that chance.
Spike's probably pissed. I assumed the worst of him on Wednesday, accepted a job with the enemy, didn't tell him about it, forgot to meet him, and purposely tried to hurt him. I tell him that I love him. Maybe I should learn how to show it then.
I'm tired of being mad at Spike all the time. Sometimes he doesn't deserve it. But that's me. It's what I do. I don't really know how to...deal with some of the emotions Spike has. They're so real sometimes, so human. It used to be that Spike would tell me he loved me. I didn't want to hear it because I didn't understand. So I punched him. That's not the response I'd want and yet, that was the only response I was ready to give. He puts up with me and he always has. I think it's about time to seriously think and make decisions about where I want to go with Spike.
~*~*~
I don't understand. I...I don't even remember doing it. I remember drinking. Oh, God, I must've been drunk. I know I had a lot to drink, but I never black out.
All I know is I woke up in an alley outside of the Bronze with the taste of liquor and blood in my mouth and a dead body lying next to me.
Bloody hell. I think I did something bad. I think I killed an innocent girl.