Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.
"So what's it going to be?"
He paused contemplatively. Decision-making wasn't particularly his strong point. He went by instinct, the way predators do. But nothing was coming to him. Buffy was staring at him, waiting for his answer. He could see hope in her eyes and the question came to him again. Not 'are you going to move in with her or not,' but 'why does she love you?'
And nothing came to him. He was bad and evil and a vampire. He did horrible things as William the Bloody, things that were unjustifiable. And she wanted him to move in with her? Was she out of her bleedin' mind? She must have been or else she never would have asked him.
She shifted her weight on each foot, growing impatient. Buffy needed an answer, but he wasn't sure he could give her the one she wanted. If he said no, she'd be hurt. If he said yes, she'd be happy. In a way, he would be too, but he knew that there were some circumstances that love could not overcome. She'd never forgive him for killing the girl. She'd never understand that he couldn't control the way he was. He'd never be human, and he would always drink blood, and quite possibly kill for it.
He wanted to say no, honestly he did. Spike was unstable. He deserved to live in a crypt, not a house. He didn't deserve to sleep in a warm, soft, bed with a woman who wanted him there next to her and clung to him tightly. But he didn't want to hurt her, because she didn't deserve to be hurt. And something about her was silently pleading with him to be with her. 'No' would be rejection. And he knew best that rejection was one of the worst feelings of all.
So he said yes.
~*~*~
They walked quietly to her house. She had a content smile on her face and he looked worried. It's not like he was afraid of some sort of commitment to her, because he was totally in love with her. He'd already committed when he gave her his ring. He was scared to...death...of falling for her more. He was afraid that if she was around him all the time loving him unconditionally, he'd hurt her again somehow. It was always easy to hurt someone. She did it all the time and didn't even know it. Yeah. It was really easy.
He was afraid of letting her know who he was, because maybe if she knew, she wouldn't love him. He was afraid her friends would shun her for wanting to be with him. He was afraid he'd get staked.
The way Spike walked was no indication of his inner torment. He exuded confidence and sexual prowess, even if his face was a bit of a giveaway of how unsure he felt. He carried a box with him full of clothes, drawings, books. When he finished putting his things in he felt a pang of loneliness. Everything he owned in 120 years could fit in this small box, with the exception of the TV that he left behind, some furniture that he stole, and a lot of things over the years that he just didn't want anymore.
But she was happy. She had what she wanted and walked proudly with him. She didn't care who saw them together and who knew about them. Except, no. It was two o'clock in the morning. No one except the monsters and insane people were out at two in Sunnydale. No one would see them. Why was she so happy looking then? It was just Spike. It's not like he was the love of her life. People...and vampires...come and go. It's better not to be happy. That way when you stop feeling that way, you don't hit the ground as hard when you fall.
~*~*~
Buffy closed her bedroom door behind her.
"I don't think anyone heard us when we came in," she whispered. He set his box down next to her bed and took off his duster.
"I sleep in here?" he asked.
"Yeah. Next to me in my big old bed." She took off her own jacket and went to her dresser and opened up a drawer. She rearranged the clothes in there and then looked up at him. "You can put your clothes in here and uh...there's a green toothbrush in the bathroom that you can have." She reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out a few crumpled bills. "Money. Blood. Can't have you starving."
He shook his head. "Not really hungry right now."
"Oh. Okay." She opened another drawer and got out her pyjamas. She changed in front of him, but she found him looking away. Did he not want to see her? Was he just trying to give her privacy? She decided not to read too far into it.
Spike was sitting on the edge of her bed, looking around in her room. Pictures. Lots of pictures. Friends and family were dear to her. Would he soon be in a frame around here? She sat down next to him and put her hand over his.
"I'm a little nervous about telling them," she said quietly. "I don't think Dawn will be a problem. She likes you. Willow would act supportive, but you know Will. She'll worry. Xander and Giles are totally gonna flip though. Tara said it was okay to love you, but I think she thought I was a little crazy for sleeping with you."
He smiled weakly. "Aren't you, though?"
"Sometimes I think I am." She brought her hand up to stroke his hair. "Goodnight, Spike."
" 'Night, love." He stood up and shed his clothing. He didn't wear clothes to sleep in. He never really saw a point to it. He felt Buffy's eyes on him, watching his every move. She stretched out on the bed, still keeping her eyes on him. Spike laid down next to her then pulled the blanket over them. "This is nice."
"Yeah. Just watch out for that sunrise." He looked over at the window and found heavy drapes over it. She must have planned this. She probably knew he'd say yes before she even asked him. She got ready for him to be here. His attention turned back to her, only to find her sleeping. Poor thing was probably worn out.
Worn out? From what? She still hadn't told him about what she was doing with Riley, and if she had a job with them. She hadn't explained a thing. He didn't ask, but then again, he shouldn't have to.
~*~*~
"Buffy! Hurry up in there!" Dawn yelled. She was pounding on the bathroom door loudly. Almost as loud as her yelling.
"Hey, shrieking lady, some of us are trying to sleep. I do work graveyard shifts, you know," Buffy said, emerging from her bedroom. "Keep the screaming and the pounding to a minimum, please."
"You're not in the bathroom," the younger Summers said. "Willow's downstairs. Then who's taking a shower in there?" She looked at the door.
Buffy's stomach tightened into a knot. Oops. Caught. Okay, so she was going to tell them all but she was still feeling like she did something bad and she had to keep it a secret.
"Dawn, don't freak or anything but Spike's the one taking a shower in there."
"Why is Spike taking a shower at our house?"
"Because it's his house now too."
"What do you mean? He lives here? Why does he live here?"
"Because, me and him are involved, okay?" Buffy was growing increasingly annoyed by her little sister's questions. You'd think she'd never...uh...watched TV or something with semi-negative influences
"I don't understand. Involved in what way?" Dawn did sound and look confused, but it still seemed like she was playing dumb to get on Buffy's nerves. "Like the working together sense? Some sort of slaying team?"
"No, Dawn, involved in the boyfriend-girlfriend sense." Boy. That was much easier than she thought it would be.
"Huh. I mean...huh."
"What do you mean 'huh?'"
"Not 'huh' like a question. 'Huh' like a statement. Like, huh, how about that."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "So explain the reason behind your 'huh' as a statement."
"It's just that it's kind of weird. Not only because you're Slayer and he's vampire. You hate him. You say that all the time. Now he's living with us? I don't really get it."
The older sister paused, trying to think of some way to explain it. And she couldn't. Buffy didn't really get it either. But sometimes love didn't need a reason. Sometimes when you're around someone, you just...you feel happy. Spike made her happy. He was helpful when it counted, and he loved her and Dawn and would do anything for them. He understood her. Why did she have to explain it? It was just a feeling. She just knew. "It's just going to take some time to get used to, Dawny."
~*~*~
He stood under the spray of the water for a long time without doing anything. He couldn't really focus on the tasks at hand. Damn his muddled brain. Damn. The pressure was...good. It wasn't weak but it wasn't so strong that it was physically pushing him or hurting him or anything like that. Good water pressure for a good cleaning...cleansing...whatever. And the water itself was also good. Not hot, but not cold. Hotter than warm though. Comfortable. It didn't matter though. The temperature wouldn't affect him.
He finished washing, turned off the water, dressed, combed his hair, brushed his teeth. An average morning routine...for a human. He wasn't human, obviously. He was standing right in front of a mirror and he didn't see himself. He just saw the items that were behind him.
Spike found Dawn sitting by the bathroom door outside. He knew that she knew. He had ears, after all. He heard Buffy telling her about them.
"Hey. Sorry, was I in there too long?"
She shook her head slowly. "It's your bathroom now, too. I guess you have a right to take as long as you want."
"Something wrong, Nibblet?"
"You and Buffy are...dating?" she asked quietly.
"Something like that. It's complicated."
"Does she love you?"
He started to get quiet. Odd questions. Odd and jarring. Something was off. "She says she does," he finally replied.
"You almost sound like you don't believe it."
"Like I said, it's complicated." She nodded knowingly. Right, then. Okay. Awkward silence. "So is Buffy in her room?"
"Yeah. She woke up for a couple minutes and then went back to sleep." Then Dawn stood up and walked into the bathroom without giving him another glance. She seemed a little moody. Maybe it was a teenager thing.
He walked into Buffy's-their bedroom and sat down in a chair next to the bed. He didn't know she was watching him. He didn't know she was even awake. That's why it startled him so much when her hand reached out to grab his.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."
"Hey now. I wasn't scared. I'm just..."
"Fidgety." He smiled a little. "I wish you stayed in bed this morning. I like waking up next to you." Her thumb was gently stroking his hand.
"I'll remember that."
"Will you come lie down next to me until I fall asleep again? I promise to be a good girl and keep my hands to myself."
Spike settled into the bed and looked over at her. Yeah, she was going to keep her hands to herself. Tease. "See, now I'm lonely, Slayer. Don't you think it'd be much easier to fall asleep with my arms wrapped around you?"
"Nope. I'm fine like this." Is that how she wanted to play? Okay then.
"I promise to be a naughty boy and keep you awake by all means possible." He punctuated his last three words with a light poke to her stomach. Next thing she knew, he was on top of her and kissing her and keeping her very awake. But soon she became aware of where his hands were and the places they were moving to. Then the phone rang. Ugh. Damn phone. The phone stopped ringing after the second ring, and then Willow called to Buffy. It was for her. Ugh.
"Fucking hell," he muttered as she reached for the phone on her nightstand.
"Hello?" she said into the telephone. No reply. Try again. "Hello? Heeeellooooo? Oh. Okay thanks." She put the phone back onto its cradle. "Asshole. Why call if you're not going to say anything? Some of us are trying to..." She smiled at Spike. "Sleep."
"Yes, I agree whole unbeating heartedly. Sleep is excellent. Good morning, sleep tight, don't let the bed vampires bite."
"What are you doing?"
"Just going to lie here. Not touching, of course. Someone has to sleep."
"I hate you."
"Shh. It's sleepy time."
"Spike," she said, annoyed.
"You said you were tired."
"I'm not anymore. You woke me up." She started pulling at his belt buckle.
"Pet, do you really think I'm going to sleep with you when your sister is a couple doors down the hall and your best friend downstairs?"
Buffy looked down shyly. "We could be quiet."
He shook his head and then smirked. "When I make love to you, I want you to scream," he whispered.
"When do you think that'll be?" She cleared her throat. They were speaking in hushed voices so no one would hear them.
He smirked again. "Whenever no one is around."
~*~*~
When Buffy finally decided to get out of bed, she went downstairs and found Spike and Willow sitting next to each other with Dawn on the floor watching Saturday morning cartoons.
"Everyone's up but me. Poop."
"But you're up now, so unpoop," Willow replied, then smiled.
Then it occurred to Buffy. Spike was sitting next to Willow. She looked comfortable and she wasn't asking any questions. Did Spike already explain it to her? It's not all that particularly normal. And yet, she looked like sitting next to Spike was natural every Saturday morning.
Spike turned to his love, who was looking very confused. "Something wrong, Slayer?"
"No, no, I guess not." Liar. He saw the way her shoulders tensed up when she saw him sitting next to Willow. The way one would be if a secret got out. A secret that made one look bad. Not to mention that one even had the secret besides the content of it. And that's how Spike found out Buffy didn't really have the intention of telling anyone about him, despite the fact that she'd told Dawn already and asked him to move in. Intention was different than action. Even if she did tell her friends, it didn't mean she ever wanted to. And he'd feel a lot better if she wanted to but didn't, because then her heart would be in it. Doing without wanting was like a chore.
But he knew she didn't think of him as a chore. Looking in her eyes was reassurance. Comfort. Stark and honest, in its purest form.
She walked quickly into the kitchen. He watched, he followed, he was ignored.
"You okay, pet? You're looking rather...nervous."
Buffy was leaning on the island, not looking at him.
"Did you tell her?" she whispered sharply.
He eyed her. "What if I did?"
"I was going to tell her. Today. It was my job, my responsibility. I wanted to tell her. You didn't even give me the chance, Spike." Still whispering. No one needed to hear. Want. Do. Conviction lacking in a Slayer? This Slayer?
He smiled slightly, bitterly. "Didn't give you the chance?"
"That's not what I meant. Because I know I've had all the opportunity in the world to tell them and I didn't."
"I didn't either." She looked into the living room. Willow and Dawn were still watching the TV, not noticing the hushed argument. Exactly what it was. Hushed. That's what that look into the living room meant. Hush, Spike, they aren't supposed to know what we're talking about. Wasn't that shame?
"You didn't tell her?"
"No, because you're going to. Right now. You're going to march out and tell them you love me, we've been together for quite some time now, and that it's nothing to freak out over because I'm better than all the other wankers you've ever dated. Got it?"