Author's Note: The chapter title is a line from a poem I wrote years ago. It just sounded cool, and when I reread it recently parts of it fit this story and Not Human. You probably don't want to read the whole poem though. ~shrugs~ I'm not a huge fan of poetry myself. I love writing it, but I can't stand reading it for some unknown reason. There are a few small exceptions.
So, that's where the title of this chapter comes from. Aren't you all just happier knowing that?
Also, I'd like to thank all of my reviewers, but I'd like to specifically dedicate this chapter to Peacewish. Everybody send good vibes her way and let's hope she finds an excellent job! Also, Kira is the 100th reviewer for this story! Yay! My first 100, I'm so happy!
Shades of Discovery
"If It All Should Fade Away..."
Even while I was wrapped up in being annoyed with Akizuki, life went on. The one I was worried about most those first few weeks was Sakura. She was nodding off constantly after the strange rain suddenly cleared, and though she regained her strength gradually, I was terrified that something was very wrong. I knew it was related to her magic, but why was it doing this to her when it hadn't before? Was she under attack? Was there anything I could do to help?
I wasn't asked, and as time went on I saw that she was regaining her strength. I was still left out, and I still didn't understand it all, but I started to relax a bit. She was winning, whatever she was facing. She didn't need me. I didn't give up watching over her, but I stopped worrying as much.
One morning she had fixed pancakes for breakfast, and while we ate she was staring at an old calendar. She was happier than I'd seen her in a long time, singing to herself as she looked it over. It was a small calendar, the kind that a lady could easily slip into her purse for easy reference. Mother had carried one like it with her all the time.
"What's that?" I asked casually. I wasn't entirely awake yet, so the question had already left my mouth when I realized I knew it was a calendar because I'd seen that exact one before. "That's Mother's..."
"Yep! Her calendar!"
"I found it while I was cleaning the room earlier," Dad explained, just as cheerful this morning as Sakura was.
I turned back to my food as memories flashed through my mind at frightening speed. My eyes ached slightly, like they wanted to cry, and my heart pounded a little too hard, but it was easy to get under control. Sakura flipped through the pages as if she had found jewels from a buried treasure though, there were no haunting memories for her to make her sad.
The second page must have held a brighter jewel than she had expected, because she nearly jumped over the table to share it with me. "Onii-chan, your birthday is written here!"
The birthday issue again. I frowned, explaining patiently. "It's written there because my birthday comes once every four years."
"Years when his birthday wasn't written on calendars, Nadeshiko used to make big signs," Dad said. He smiled as if this was a cute thing Mother had done.
I missed her. I spent so much time in my day-to-day life, not even thinking about her sometimes, but a little calendar made me miss her more than seeing her picture every morning did. Sakura exclaimed over finding her own birthday written down as if it was a surprise, but Mother was just like that. Mother loved birthdays, so of course Sakura's would be written there.
I was glad to look down at my plate and see that it was empty so I could leave the table. School would take my mind off of my melancholy thoughts.
~~~~~@~~~~~
No, school couldn't break the spell of feeling haunted by the past. I stared at the calendar in the music room and let myself get swept up completely. I was alone, just me and the piano. Her song came to my fingers flawlessly, just like she had taught me so many years ago. It was a beautiful song, just like her. It was lighter on the piano than on the organ she taught me on. In fact, on the piano it was just as bright as her spirit, where on the organ it had seemed a bit more grounded. Was that the difference between her now and then? Was that the difference between life and death? Life had bound her to earth, but now--
I closed my eyes and just let my fingers glide over the keys, hitting the chords with all the grace I'd had when I practiced every day. It was a little easier now because my hands didn't have to stretch as far to reach all the notes. I could hear her encouraging me as she had when I was little, I could almost feel her sitting next to me on the bench as she had so long ago. She encouraged me, played by my side, and she smiled down at me with all the joy in the world wrapped into one expression.
I came to the end almost reluctantly. I felt closer to her at that moment than I had even when I had last seen her spirit in the kitchen over a year ago. Still, my fingers led to the inevitable conclusion and I almost smiled with satisfaction. I could still do this.
My eyes were still closed and my heart was still wrapped up in the past when I heard applause from the other side of the room in front of me. My eyes flew open to see who had been able to get so close, even when I was so distracted.
It was Yuki who smiled at me from across the room. "You're pretty good, To-ya." He started walking over to me.
I hadn't had my eyes closed through the whole song, so I knew he hadn't been there for the whole thing. For him I didn't mind if he heard. In fact, I wanted to share this with him. I smiled a little as I started the song over again.
"I don't think I've heard that piece before."
"It's something that my mother composed," I explained as I played, a little more softly this time.
"It's a very beautiful melody."
"That's true," I agreed with a smile. I was proud of my mother, I was proud of what she'd taught me. He didn't chase away the feeling I'd had of being close with her. He somehow enhanced it.
And when I looked up at him he was lost in the music, just as I had been before. It was just him and me in that moment. He had never looked so at peace, and I owed that to my mother for writing the music, I owed it to my father for cleaning out his room this morning, and I owed it to Sakura for loving our mother so much even when she couldn't remember her at all. It was a perfect moment.
It would be the perfect moment to clear the air between us and get everything out in the open.
"Yuki," I began, still letting my fingers roam across the keyboard.
"What is it," he asked softly, as if afraid to disturb my playing.
"I--"
That was when the world shattered and came crashing around us. From the window came the piercing cry of the almighty annoying one, Akizuki. My fingers trainwrecked over the keys as I winced. She was climbing over the windowsill just to scream in my ears again. She bounced enthusiastically across the room, then wrapped me in a bear hug that crushed the air out of my lungs while she shrieked something about how talented I was. She told Yuki that the captain of the archery club needed him for something as I gasped for breath.
"I'll be leaving then, To-ya," he said with his usual cheer.
"Y-yeah," I agreed, dazed. Didn't he see the expression on my face that clearly said, 'FOR THE LOVE OF LITTLE GREEN APPLES, GET THIS LEECH OFF OF ME!'?
~~~~~@~~~~~
That was November. Life was traveling inexorably to a terrifying conclusion. Too soon I was facing the prospects of the New Year and I could feel something in the air that chilled my soul. That night I had a dream that distracted me. I was in the play again, standing on the balcony as the world fell down around me. Instead of Yoko falling over the edge, I was reaching out for a shadowy figure. I could almost recognize who it was, but as I watched the person fell, vanishing into nothing before my eyes.
I knew there was more to the dream, but I couldn't remember anything else. I couldn't get it out of my mind all morning, despite the usual banter Sakura and I shared. I even almost missed my cue to get some good teasing in because of my distraction, but I managed to drive her insane despite my lapse.
We were supposed to meet Yuki at the shrine, but he wasn't there. That was when the first shiver went up my spine, though it was only slight. I told myself he was probably just running late from being so tired lately. I almost convinced myself of it too. I kept looking down side streets to see if he had taken a different route as I walked to his house.
His house looked more empty than usual when I finally reached it. I tried to tell myself that I had missed him somehow, but I knew that wasn't it. I called for him, but it felt like my voice fell flat. There was no sign of life, but I let myself in anyway, somehow knowing that he'd be there. I slid the door open as casually as I could manage, hoping he'd be standing there, or maybe sitting as he hurried to put his shoes on.
My heart fell through the floor when I saw him. I couldn't believe my eyes for a moment and I gasped. He was just laying there, and I thought for a moment he was dead. "Yuki!" He couldn't be dead, he couldn't be dead, oh please, let him be okay, let him please be okay....
I ran to his side in a panic, asking him what was wrong and praying that he would answer. I picked him up, yelling at him, trying to get him to wake up, but he was so light in my arms. He looked so pale as I sat him up, shaking him, thankful that he was warm and breathing, but needing more before I could let myself hope--
He finally stirred after what seemed like eternity. "To-ya..."
His voice was faint, but it was a voice. He was awake. He would be fine because he was awake now. My heart started beating again and I could almost breathe. "What happened to you?"
"I suddenly felt sleepy again," he explained, but he still sounded so tired.
My heart went from stop to race and I looked him over with a quick glance, terrified for him. He was so small, so frail, and so weak lately, and I couldn't forget how light he felt when I tried to sit him up. It wasn't natural to feel this tired all the time and we both knew it.
"I'm okay," he assured me as he looked in my eyes. I wanted to believe him, especially when he smiled at me that way. "Aside from that, why are you at my house?"
"'Why?' You're the one who said we'd go together to the festival, right? After waiting for a while--"
He broke me off with a weak apology and looked down, so sorry that it tore me up inside. It wasn't that big of a deal after all, I couldn't let him feel so bad about it.
"It's okay," I assured him, feeling calmer already as the crisis passed. It wasn't the end of the world, he was just feeling a bit under the weather. "If we leave now, we can catch Sakura and--"
He suddenly slumped over, heading for the floor.
"H-Hey, Yuki!"
His voice was a whisper as he struggled to answer me. "I'm sorry...I'm really...sleepy...."
That's when I saw.
I would have nightmares from that moment.
That's when I noticed that his hand was fading, as if he was being erased. He was vanishing. He wasn't just tired. He wasn't sick. He was disappearing. I could see the step we sat on through his hand. I gasped out his name in utter disbelief as I held his unconscious form against me. As I watched his hand faded back into reality and I wanted to believe that it was a trick of light.
So many things I wanted to believe that morning, and none of them would be true. I felt like the world was ending around me and I was the only one who knew it. I had wanted to celebrate this day, and instead I sat in the dim entry of Yuki's house and felt more hopeless and helpless than ever in my life.
I tried to wait for him to awaken. My arms grew stiff and my back was sore, but still I held him against me as if I could shield him from whatever was doing this to him. I waited, terrified, for what must have been hours, but he didn't stir again. The day was growing dark when I finally took a few deep breaths and stood, picking him up with me. "Come on Yuki, wake up again."
"Huh? Oh, are we going now?" His eyes were still mostly closed, but he managed to stay upright by leaning against me. I had kicked off my shoes a while ago and his had never made it to his feet, so I didn't have to bend over at all now.
"It's okay, Yuki. We're just going to put you to bed."
He looked up at me finally, still smiling. "You're so good to me, To-ya. I'm so hungry though, I can't sleep now."
He pulled himself up to stand on his own two feet, then took off his jacket with a puzzled expression. "Oh, we never made it to the shrine."
"It's okay, we just need to feed you and then get you back to your bed."
We walked to the dining room in silence, then I insisted that I would fix supper. He barely managed to stay awake long enough to eat, then he was falling asleep standing up and I was afraid he'd hurt himself falling over again. Swallowing a lump, I picked up like I would a baby and carried his slight frame into his bedroom. He managed to curl up against me, but he was too tired to protest the treatment. By the time we reached his room he was fast asleep.
I stayed by his side until night swept aside all color from the world and I knew I couldn't stay any longer.
"I have to go home or they'll miss me," I muttered out loud.
Yuki sat up, startled from sleep. "To-ya! Were you here this whole time?"
I nodded, not trusting my voice.
"I'm sorry for making you worry so much. I'm fine though. You didn't have to waste your whole day here."
I had to get home. I wanted to yell and scream and tell him that of course I had to worry and that it wasn't a waste for me to spend the day with him if I made sure he was safe. I couldn't. If I didn't go home now, Sakura would show up here and see Yuki like this and get worried. It was my job to worry, not hers.
"Take care of yourself, Yuki. I have to go, but we'll talk about this later."
"I'm fine, To-ya."
We both knew it was a lie.