Author's Note: Yes, yes, serious overlap with events in Not Human. Sorry! I'm enjoying writing them from Touya's point of view instead of Yuki's though, it makes for a nice twist. It seems to change entire scenes...or that could just be me. Next chapter though, I have a treat. Does anyone remember the chapter in NH where Touya and Yue talk, and I never gave a hint of what was said? I've been wanting to know what happened, what they spent so much time talking about, and why they ended up in the back yard instead of staying on/near the couch.

Those mysteries will be resolved.

I hope I'm granting the secret wish of many who read that story instead of just adding more to my hopeless obsession. That's what this story is about for me though--filling in the empty spaces and discovering something new. Well, I hope everyone else enjoys my ideas of what's fun to read. ~laughs~

A few people sent e-mail reviews this time because ff.net was in read only mode. ~huggles e-mails~ I'm also very thankful for the reviews left here. Thank you one and all...though I'm not sure what to make of the "j" left by "k". ~giggles~ Oh well, don't forget to leave a review! I appreciate all of them! You guys are so wonderful.

Shades of Discovery

After the Fall

I just wanted to sleep through the next week or so. I somehow managed to stay awake through classes and even managed to get through the last scene of filming, but I could barely do homework, Sakura willingly covered my chores for me, and I was "let go" from yet another job. Lunch became an ordeal where I gorged myself as fast as I could, then slept through the precious time that remained. Yuki wore an expression on his face that told me he was thinking about everything, but he wasn't ready to talk.

I wasn't sure I could talk yet either. I was thankful that he left me in peace so I could rest as much as I could, but that wasn't the extent of it. I was finding that being faced with the loss of my magic was much different from the theory. I thought I had been prepared, but I was finding that I had depended on my magic more than I had dreamed.

I'm not sure how to describe the difference. The world seemed like a much bigger place, and I couldn't keep track of the same things I used to. People caught me by surprise now when they hadn't been able to before. I knew that as I regained my strength I would never be as strong as I used to be.

How do you describe going blind to someone who has been blind all their lives?

Underneath it all was a hollow pit of emptiness reminding me that something was now missing from my life. I had to keep reminding myself what had been at stake. I withdrew from everyone and everything to swallow the bitter realization that my magnanimous gesture had robbed me of more than I wanted. I would have been grouchy, but I was too tired for that. Instead, I almost gave in to depression, and I hated myself for it all. Wasn't Yuki's life worth that to me?

Of course it was.

He was my best friend, and I loved him. If he never returned that love, it didn't matter, what mattered was that I loved him and couldn't imagine life without him.

I swallowed hard, thinking of him falling in love with someone else. What would I do if that happened? It really depended on who was the lucky soul was that would win his affections. The very idea of losing my place by his side to someone else after what I had done for him filled me with a sick horror and overpowering jealousy.

It spoke deeply of how bad my depression became that I even entertained those thoughts. I had tried to ignore the feelings I had for him because it didn't help to dwell on things that could never be. I was satisfied to love him and be near him as his friend. If I wanted more, it was unimportant next to just being a part of his life. For now though, I felt the depths of despair, and at times I even wallowed in it.

A week after the sacrifice I made we were sitting in a dark room, watching the completed film. I struggled to keep my eyes open in the still silence, but the film just wasn't enough to hold my attention over the total exhaustion. I crumbled under the weight of it until Yuki shifted beside me. His soft words sent a chill up and down my spine that woke me entirely, if only temporarily.

"...not human..." he was murmuring softly, so only I could hear. "Those times I'm not aware of...the other me takes over." I tried to imagine, as he said those words, what it must feel like for him. In saving his life, I had shattered his reality. Would he hate me for it? No, not Yuki. This was just more of my self-defeatism talking.

Then he surprised me by saying, "Everything I remember is a lie."

What? I understood where he was coming from, but it was such a rough idea to live with. "No. Everything you remember since we met is real," I assured him. I wished I could assure him of more than that, but that much I could say with complete honesty. He looked up at me, and I wanted more than anything to hold him close like I had on New Year's Day and protect him from every doubt he had. "I'm not really sure what you are," I said gently, "but as long as you're here with me, that's fine."

He thanked me with such gratitude that it was painful to bear after the dark thoughts I'd been entertaining. My words, my assurances meant something to him? I'd never wished more that we were alone.

~~~~~@~~~~~

The lethargy had caught up with me again after the film and I headed off to sleep alone somewhere. It didn't matter where, I just wanted to be somewhere where I could be in peace. It wasn't particularly restful, but I needed the sleep nevertheless. It had been a long day and a long week, and I didn't see much of a break ahead of me.

I awoke to the luminous amber orbs of my love, lost in thought as he stared at me. He had done this to me immediately after the power transfer too, watching me while I slept and not noticing when I woke. He was shocked to see me awake, and I was feeling refreshed enough to tease him about it.

"Hello Yuki. Do you suddenly have a thing for watching me sleep?"

His eyes widened a bit more, then he giggled and the familiar creases gathered at the corners of his eyes. He pointed out that I had done the same to him, not so long ago and I felt a guilty blush burn my cheeks. We bantered about it, teasing each other as usual, then just when I thought the conversation would be completely mundane he invited me to spend the night. It was completely out of the blue and obviously a decision he had just made before he asked.

He simply didn't want to be alone. That was all he needed to say to me to get me to agree. I said I'd have to call Dad, but that was just a formality and unless something bad had happened to Sakura I would not leave Yuki's side for a moment. He looked so vulnerable that I could deny him nothing.

"Does this mean you're ready to talk about it?"

He nodded immediately, saying, "Yeah, I think I am. If you're up to listening."

I'd been waiting forever for this. I would fight any lurking sleepiness tooth and nail to be there for him now.

~~~~~@~~~~~

He started out by asking me to tell him everything I knew about Yue. I wished I could tell him more, but I gave him all the information I had. It was surreal, sitting there and telling Yuki about himself like this. Was Yue sitting in the back of his mind, laughing at what a fool I was? Was Yue watching, judging me for not knowing more? Or was he as fascinated as Yuki seemed to be?

He finally seemed satisfied with the answers I could give and we finished supper and did dishes in peace. The whole time we did dishes I felt like he was some sort of magnet, pulling me toward him, and I found myself touching him without meaning to. At one point he was handing me a plate and my hand accidentally covered his and I couldn't bring myself to let go. It felt so right to touch him and be touched by him. Even as my cheeks burned in a violent blush I didn't let go until he looked in my eyes and giggled at what he saw on my face. I let go as if burned, grabbing the plate in a different spot so I could hurry and rinse it and stay busy. He started smiling at me more, teasing me with small gestures that might have been more than friendly...or might have simply been Yuki being himself.

My mind wandered paths I shouldn't have let it as he kept brushing against me as if by accident, then he'd smile to see my reaction. He had noticed me blushing, and that made the blush worse. It felt like forever as we finished the dishes and he tortured me more and more.

I dried off the last dish, trying to figure out something to say to end the tormenting. The only thing my mind could come up with was, "So, after I fell asleep, what did you do today?" It sounded lame to my own ears even as I said it, but there was only so much my brain could process under the circumstances.

He smiled at me with his usual innocent expression and I wanted to beat myself up for thinking about him the way I did. I knew I was risking our friendship by wanting him, even moreso after seeing his true form and being held in Yue's arms--

"It went pretty much the way you'd expect. It was fun. There were a couple of things though--" The way he stopped himself there drove my impure thoughts away. He looked unsure of himself and almost guilty about something, and it didn't take me long to realize what could make him hesitate right then.

"Something happened? With Sakura?"

The simultaneous relief and worry on his face answered me before his words did. "Yes. And yes. I guess Yue was needed for something. I don't remember anything about it though." He shrugged apologetically.

I must have sounded like I was accusing him of something I realized and instantly felt bad for jumping on him like that. He would only know that time had passed, not what had happened. "Of course. I'm sorry. I--it's just a little strange still to not know when things happen."

"Do you want me to tell you?"

The thought hadn't even occurred to me that he'd be willing to do that. I had assumed that he'd want to not think about it since he'd be telling me about things he had no control over or memory of. Still, he'd be letting me know about things no one else seemed willing to talk to me about. I found myself smiling, grateful for his offer. "I might not be able to do anything about it, but still like to know. I'd appreciate it."

"Sure! It's the least I can do."

His smile made me go weak in the knees. We just stood there, smiling at each other until his smile fell at another thought that occurred to him. "That's not all that happened today though. Sakura-chan pulled me aside to tell me that she loves me."

He looked away, obviously reluctant to share this news.

I couldn't blame him for his reluctance. All the teasing and jokes we'd shared over the years had been one thing, but to suddenly--Sakura was too little for this. She was too young to be in love, she was too innocent to have her heart broken. Why now? Why not in a few years, when she could be confessing to some stupid guy her own age that I could pummel into oblivion? Why Yuki?

I found myself nodding, needing more detail before I could decide how to react. "What did you say?"

What if he was in love with her too?

I didn't even want to think about that, especially when he turned away. He didn't want to meet my eyes. Oh no....

"What could I say? I don't love her that way--she's like a sister to me."

I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted, but then I thought about someone other than me in this whole mess. "How did she take it?"

"She was smiling, and I tried to be as gentle as I could, but I think it hurt her. Her smile was just, I don't know. She just seemed like she was trying too hard to be happy after that, like she was trying to cheer me up."

That was just part of growing up, I supposed. At some point in time, we must all have our hearts ripped, still beating, from our chests and handed to us. Better Yuki's way than Kaho's. I almost said as much, but he spoke again.

"She--she asked me if there was someone I loved instead of her."

What? Why was he telling me this? What possible reason could he--no, I had to hear him out before I jumped to conclusions. He had confused me before with saying things off the wall, so his reason for saying this could be anything. "And?" I prompted, as calmly as I could. I was using copious amounts of willpower to make sure NOTHING of my inner turmoil showed.

"Yes. I told her yes."

He paused there, and I tried to figure out what on earth I was supposed to do with an answer like that. Who on earth could he be in love with, and why would he just say yes?

Unless...no, I needed to know more.

"She asked me if it was you."

Suddenly it all became clear. That was why he had been so hesitant and ambiguous about expounding on his answer.

How did she find out? How could she know about what I felt for him? Was this some way for her to get back at me for calling her a monster so many times and picking on her? This was hardly a fair come-back, not funny at all.

What did he think about it all?

I wished the floor would open me up and swallow me whole so he would stop looking at me like that.

It did no such thing, so I repeated the last question I asked, hoping it was still valid in this circumstance. "And?"

He nodded.

It took me a while to realize what that meant. My brain had short-circuited many long seconds ago, leaving me with the most rudimentary of mental functions like some ape-ancestor. Grunt once for yes, twice for no. Well, what does a nod mean again? ...one grunt yes...two grunts no...nod is...?

Nod equals yes.

So what was the question again? For some reason, the only question I could remember was and? Everything before that was fuzzy and hard to think about. A nod was hardly an answer to the word "and", followed by a question mark. So, what had come before that?

She--she asked me if there was someone I loved instead of her... She asked me if it was you.

And his answer was yes.

Yuki loves me.

I never imagined he would love me like this. I had hoped it with all my heart. I had dreamed it every night since we met. I never let myself think that this moment would become a reality though.

That magnetic pull had me drawing closer to him again before I could do more than realize I hadn't answered. I wondered what he must be thinking of this, how scared he must be that I would reject him. I had tried so hard to make sure he would never guess my guilty secret, I didn't want to ruin our friendship, but he felt the same way, and I had made him wait for my answer while I got over my shock.

I reached out to him, making sure, touching his cheek to make sure he was real and this wasn't all some cruel dream. He gasped a little as my fingers made contact with his soft skin. He was real. This was happening. He was trembling at my touch and I was drowning in my feelings. He was too beautiful for me, too magical and too wonderful, but he wanted me, and he wanted me to do this. His lips were pouting as if in anticipation of a kiss, and I brushed my thumb across the edge of his bottom lip in wonder. Too perfect. I closed my eyes, drawing ever closer, giving in to the temptation of kissing those soft lips.

It was a slice of paradise beyond what I had thought possible. He almost melted into me, pliable and willing as I pressed my lips against his. I pressed closer to him, drawing his smaller body against mine with arms that ached to just hold him. He held me in turn, even after the gentle kiss we shared. I never wanted to let him go. He was my Yuki at last, and he was in my arms where he belonged.

I pulled my head back so I could look at his beautiful eyes again. They were shining with emotion, and I realized mine were probably also. "Thank you," I said softly. There were so many things to be thankful for. He had made me happier than I had ever been.

He pressed his head against my chest again. My life was golden. I ran a finger through the short hairs at the nape of his neck, feeling the soft texture with wonder as I contemplated what this meant. We loved each other. That was the most important thing, and the most wonderful thing in the history of mankind.

His hands began moving, caressing my back, exploring me. My skin trailed fire where he touched me, stimulating me in new and wondrous ways. The comfort of finally holding him though was dragging me down into the pit of lethargy again. I was too happy, and too comfortable. Even when he slipped his hand into my back pocket and startled me with a squeeze I was too content to fight off the weary feeling that had settled in my bones. I tried to stifle a yawn, but it was too strong for me.

"We need to stop."

He pouted, and it was so cute I couldn't help but laugh. It broke off with another yawn, so I explained. "First of all, I'm too tired, and I don't want to start anything that can't be finished."

He was still pouting, but he let go with a look of understanding. He had been this tired, so he had to know what I was going through.

"What's the second of all?"

Oh yes, I had started with 'first of all' when I started to explain myself. The second of all...(my brain was shutting down from both overload and the need for sleep) the second of all was something he should have thought of himself. Yue. I could not look in Yuki's eyes and not remember that we weren't alone when we were together like this, and the last thing I wanted to do was upset Yuki's other half. I sighed in resignation, putting to words the frustrating idea. "Second of all, we're not the only two who need to make this decision. Sorry."

He looked at me blankly. "What?"

I gave him a minute to think about it. I could tell the instant he realized it because his shoulders slumped and his eyes dulled in disappointment. I hated doing this to him, but how could I touch Yuki, knowing that there was another consciousness within him that might not want to deal with the feelings he and I shared.

Some dream come true.

I may have fallen asleep as soon as I was horizontal, but I knew he'd have a long night of tossing and turning ahead of him. Maybe giving him all my strength hadn't been such a curse after all. I hadn't suffered insomnia since that afternoon.