Chapter 1: The Neanderthals
The Neaderthals were a simple race that originated in the Netherlands. They slowly migrated across the 38th parallel into what is now known as Russia(formerly, the USSR). Here, they set up small settlements in caves. They burned dinosaur feces for firewood since all the trees had been trampled and destroyed by T-Rexs in the 750th century B.C. They ate dinosaur eggs and grass. This is where Dr. Seuss got his idea for green eggs and ham. When one of them was caught by a dinosaur, he figured he was dying for the cause. This was the beginning of the Taliban. They wore clothes made of grass and river mud. When they bathed, which was not often, they washed off the mud and grass and reapplied it. This is where Mudd jeans originated.
Chapter 2: The New America
In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue with the Pilgrims. They came to America in three ships: the Nina, the Pinto, and the Santa Claus. When they arrived in America, they immediately erected the Statue of Liberty to show everyone that they were better than everyone else. They were thankful for the materials they had to build the statue and held a big ceremony with Sacagewea and Pocahontas to celebrate. This was the first Thanksgiving. They immediately made treaties with the Indians all of which they quickly broke. This angered the Indians and they called on Jeronimo to start a war. They decided that they would slaughter all of the settlers. Later they would say it was buffaloes and the movie Dances with Wolves would come to the big screen. They named the new country America because it sounded better than: Werebetterthaneveryoneelse-ica.
Chapter 3: The Fountain of Youth
The Fountain of Youth was discovered by Louis and Clark on their way to Canada. When they found it, they immediately surrounded it by a mini-mall and charged fifteen pesos to see it and the "Bearded Lady." No one wanted to pay so they threw Louis and Clark's supply of tea into the Mississippi River. It became known as the Boston Tea Party because it was started by the head of a new political group(that dressed as Indians) known as the Boston Party. This political party was later destroyed when Bill Gates became President and began Microsoft. Later, Al Gore would cry like a baby because he lost and claim that it was actually him who started the Internet. Bill Gates sued Gore for his false acceptance of the credit for creating the Internet. This started the Green Party.
Chapter 4: Great Disasters
The first great disaster that needs to be discussed is that in 1992, Bill Clinton won the presidential election. The biggest mistake ever made by voters would haunt America forever. Next, the Hindenburg crashed. It only crashed because they let an idiot drive. Of course, he was killed in the explosion and could not take the blame for his actions. Earlier, Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity. Figuring he was insane for standing outside with a kite in a thunderstorm, his colleagues pronounced him incompetent and had him put to death in the newly invented "electric chair". Of course, they never realized that without Franklin, the electric chair never would have been possible. It turns out that the were all part of something known as the Manhattan Project and were sworn to protect America from any type of advancements at any cost. They had him taken to a place called Area 51 where they had him cryogenically frozen until his arch-nemesis returned in the Goodyear Blimp in the year 1995. His nemesis died, so, he still remains frozen in Area 51. This is where the idea that aliens exist came from. He's been frozen so long that freezer burn has begun to alter his chemical composition making it possible for him to clone himself. This saves scientists a lot of time since all they have to do is take tests while he clones himself and then they can repeat the process on sheep. Next, there was the tragedy of the Titanic. It sank in 1914 when the idiot captain used the telegrams he received about icebergs as toilet paper.
Chapter 5: Great Artists, Musicians, and Stuff
First, there was this really good painter named Da Vinci. He painted some lady named Lisa "the Moaner." She was a prostitute who got her name for obvious reasons. While he was painting her she was biting her cheek and so she has this really strange expression on her face. One day, Da Vinci was tried for painting a prostitute when some guy stood up and called him a witch. It turns out that actually Da Vinci was gay and the guy was his partner. He was mad at Da Vinci for painting a woman and called him something that sounds a lot like witch. Well, anyway, some almost deaf guy named Salem thought the guy said witch. He had Da Vinci burned at the stake. This is how the Salem Witch Trials started. Later, Mozart came along. He wrote a lot of symphonies. He went deaf. That's about all there is on him.
Chapter 6: World Leaders/Takeover-ers, Generals, and Other War Info.
First, there was Julius Caesar. He fell in love with Cleopatra. He tried to take over the world and failed. Then, some short, little French guy named Napoleon came along. He wore really big hats to compensate for his height. He also tried to take over the world, but since he couldn't even see over the steering wheel of his car, he didn't get very far either. Then some idiot named Hannibal tried to take elephants through the mountains. Apparently, he thought that since elephants already had trunks, he wouldn't have to take suitcases. As everybody knows, though, elephants are not equipped for polar conditions. They all died. So did most of Hannibal's men. End of story.
Chapter 7: Inventors and Their Inventions
Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. He was an alcoholic and discovered that he could make gin out of cotton. This only made his alcoholism worse. He drank himself to death and that was the end of him. Then there was Einstein. He figured out that energy was mass times the speed of light squared. In other words, he had way too much time on his hands. He spent all of his time working on pointless equations like this one. What he should have been doing was combing his afro. Anyway, there was also Goldberg who illustrated inventions(that were impossible to make) in order to do things like make toast. His time would have been better spent inventing the toaster. You can't forget Alexander Graham Bell who invented the telephone and started South Western Bell to overcharge people on their long distance phone calls. Edison was also a great inventor. He was known as the Wizard of Mental Park. This is because as a child he was expelled from school for being retarded. He went to a mental hospital where he spent all of his time making paper dolls and pot-holders. One pot-holder came out wrong and that gave him the idea to put music on a big piece of plastic and have a needle play the music. Actually, he claimed that he wasn't retarded but that the voices in his head told him how to invent things. Scientists today believe that part of what drove Edison overboard was the fact that his middle name was Alva. Another semi-famous inventor is John Jacob Astor. He invented the bicycle brake. He got the idea after rolling down a street on his bike and nearly being struck by a large truck, twin elephants, and an old lady with a machete. You see, at the time of his accident, Astor had had a little too much to drink. He was found three days after his accident, butt-naked and babbling in a trash dumpster. He apparently decided he was going to ride his bicycle naked and since he hadn't invented the brake yet, he couldn't stop, hit the dumpster, and went flying head first into it. It never occurred to him to invent the bicycle helmet while he was at it. Apparently, he'd had one too many of his little accidents.
Chapter 8: The Guinness Book of World Records and Ripley's Believe It or Not
This is a very important and prestigious book. It has been printed for years to inform people of things like who can eat the most live cockroaches and who has the longest toenails in the world, important things like that. It was started by a guy named Guinness who had a lot of time and money. Both of these could've been put toward things like world peace or toilet paper that won't stick to your shoe when you leave the bathroom, but apparently, Mr. Guinness found that it was much more important to use his time traveling the world collecting pictures and documenting strange and amazing people, places, and things such as the world's largest chocolate shake and the longest living pair of Siamese twins. Then after he died and we thought the money trap had closed, his family and colleagues decided to continue the tradition and rip people off the best way they knew how: sell hard-cover books filled with useless information for $30 each. Following in the footsteps of Guinness was Mr. Ripley. He also was a collector of the rare and useless. He, however, rather than selling books that would at least increase literacy(but lower the average intelligence) opened a chain of emporiums across the United States displaying his findings. He found that he could charge $10 per adult to see crap made of posterboard and plaster and make millions. Apparently, he was right. Instead of doing away with all of his junk when he died, they decided to make more lifelike looking stuff and put it on television. Isn't that interesting?
Chapter 9:The History of Christmas(from the 1500's)
There once was this guy named Nick. He went around giving people presents and bread crumbs. He was made a saint by Mother Teresa in 1501. She thought he deserved sainthood because he was really generous. Anyway, he started getting called St. Nick and then Santa Claus because people thought it sounded better. Since he was sort of a nutcase anyway, to travel, he built a sleigh. It was a carriage that he removed the wheels from and put runners on. Then, he decided to go out into the woods and hide in the trees and every time a deer came by he would leap out of the tree on to the deer and knock it unconscious with a big stick. On one deer he missed the head the first time and hit its nose. This left the deer's nose red permanently. This is where Rudolph came along. Anyway, after he had caught enough deer(he had to get a few different deer a couple of times because when he knocked them unconscious, he accidentally killed them), he hooked them all up to the sleigh and used a whip to make them run. Since he was alone in the woods a lot, he got lonely and started looking at the different plants when he discovered the opium poppy. This made him think that he and the sleigh could fly. Of course, this was impossible since after he hooked the deer up to the sleigh, he stopped walking. He quickly gained weight. When he was done gaining weight, he weighed about 400 pounds. Anyway, since he thought he could fly, what is now known as Christmas Eve, Old Nick took his sleigh and ran it toward a cliff. Over the side he went. Obviously, the sleigh and deer didn't fly. They all ended up in the ocean. The deer became known as reindeer because they were on reins and when they ran off the cliff they fell like heavy rain drops. For a few seconds, Nick and the reindeer did fly. This is where people got there idea that Santa Claus and his reindeer could fly. When they went over the cliff, they were all killed and that was the end of St. Nick. People also credit St. Nick with giving lemurs the idea to jump off of cliffs.
Chapter 10: Modern Christmas
Christmas today is a little different. Today, one spends hours waiting for the turkey to bake and inevitably burn or checking individual lightbulbs in your Christmas lights to see which is the defective one. Of course, you always get tired of checking bulbs and end up buying a new strand. The old ones you put in the basement hoping a year in storage will make them work better next year. Then you have the big, fat guy himself, Santa Claus. He sits in the mall charging $5 to have your children scarred for life. Then, you drag the kid through the crowded mall, where fist fights break out over the last Furby or talking Pikachu. So, you finally get home with a black eye and a couple missing teeth, but you have your Christmas shopping done(till next year anyway). Then, it's time to family proof the house. You hide all your favorite things so that your baby cousin can't drool all over them, get attached to them, and end up going home with them because you can't get the little brat to let go. Then, comes time to open gifts. You anxiously sit in your chair, receipts in hand, waiting to see the expression on that person's face when they open their gift from you. If they don't like it, or you get stuck with the plastic Menorah even though you're not Jewish, you walk up to stand in line in front of the return desk. Five hours later, you finally reach your destination only to find out that you can only exchange "that particular item" for store credit and that you are stuck in the Plastic Menorah store. And so ends another Christmas holiday.
Chapter 11: The Civil War
Well, another of history's great wars started out as a noble cause: freeing the slaves. However, this nobleness didn't last long. The North wanted to abolish slavery while the South wanted to keep it. So, the South decided to split from the North. This was a pretty stupid idea since the UNITED States of America doesn't have a perforated line that allows it to be separated. Anyway, the South "split" from the North and started its own country. They put Bill Clinton's great, great, great, great, great, great uncle, B. Clinton in charge as president. Nobody knows B.'s first name, not even B. he just knew that he "be a Clinton" so the name sorta stuck. Well, B.'s first order of business was to set up a chain of grocery stores known as Piggly Wiggly's so called because B.'s favorite pig got diarrhea and was wigglin' around and it sounded better than "Pig With the Trots Grocery." Anyway, the President of the North, Al Gore's great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather Bye Gore got jealous of the Piggly Wiggly's. He set up a chain of miserably failing grocery stores known as Piggly Jiggly's. He couldn't think of anything better. These stores died out in 1814. They were replaced by another Clinton relative's grocery store known as Aldi's. So named because the Clintons were often seen walking through the store goin' "Gimme all dee's and all doe's." Again jealous, Bye Gore had some friends coin a phrase about him. The best they could do was "Let Bye Gore's, Be Bye Gore's." This phrase was eventually totally changed and actually became a semi-popular phrase. Back to the war, the North hated the South, the South hated the North. They had a war. The North won when the Southern general surrendered at Judge Judy's Court House. The North forced the South to give them 10,000 donkeys sent two by two, a chicken named Roger, all the whiskey they could drink for five years, a large, rusty cannon, a cracked bell, a three year subscription to "Tractor Pull Monthly" (even though tractors had yet to be invented), a lock of the President's hair, a jar of water from the Gulf of Mexico, a Confederate flag (which would cause controversy for years), and a pine cone that resembled George Washington's mother's brother's daughter's best friend's sister's cat perfectly. They signed a peace treaty and the crack that had separated the two sections was filled with crazy glue, killing millions of horses and drowning thousands of squirrels that were migrating upstream to spawn and give birth to a new breed known as guinea pigs.