Chapter two: The fight over love life and existence.
As Yukito walked down the street he was having just a little trouble inside his head; not that this was unusual. Most people would have said that Yukito was a kind caring boy with a smile for everyone. However most people did not know what went on inside Yukito's head every week. What went on inside Yukito's head was basically a battle, between him and Yue. The problem was that Yue considered Yukito as a mere front, not a real person. Not surprisingly Yukito resented this attitude: he was especially annoyed about the kiss that Yue had given Touya. This had been the bone of contention for some years now and they were having another fight about it right now.
'I can't believe that somebody like you could manage to make so much trouble,' said Yue, tipping his nose up.
'I'm not the one who kissed Touya!'
'You said you wondered what it would be like, so I obliged, what's the problem?'
'The problem, let me see.You kissed a sixteen year old boy, which means everybody thinks I kissed a sixteen year old boy.'
'Wait a minute, they think we're the same person and don't you love him?'
'Yes, Yue, they do! Didn't you realise that? Well I did love him. At least and at least I didn't tell Eriol-kun that I wouldn't have let Sakura-chan become the mistress of the Clow cards if I'd know he was going to be reborn.'
'Shut up what would you know about why I said that, you're just a false front that I have in the twentieth century to hide myself; you're not a real person.'
Yukito stopped walking in front of the cherry tree where Sakura had travelled back into the past. He had had enough of this. He glanced around: there was nobody in the area except him.
"All right," said Yukito out loud. "Come out here, I want to talk to you. Face to face."
'What? You know that's impossible.'
"You think it's impossible, that's why you treat me like this, isn't it? Well I'm fed up of you treating me like a paper doll that you can just throw away whenever you want. We are having it out, Yue. Now!"
Yue's eyes narrowed.
'Fine.'
Yukito's body glowed a brilliant white and Yue's silhouette stepped out of his body, slowly it became physical, then Yue turned to face him. His wings appeared and stretched themselves before folding against his back. Except for his long white hair, Yue looked almost human, but the cold blue fire in his eyes warned Yukito he would have a real fight on his hands this time. He folded his arms. "Well?" he said in his 'Judgement' voice, very deep and cold.
Yukito stared back. "I'm still alive," he said, holding out his arms to demonstrate. "Haven't withered and died, have I?"
Yue raised one eyebrow. "Well of course you're not going to drop dead immediately. You'll probably just fade away."
Yukito was very tempted to hit this . . thing. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" he said with gritted teeth. "You'd like me to just go away, become a mask."
A faint smile appeared on Yue's lips. "No: the conversations we have are . . most interesting."
"That's my only value is it? 'Interesting conversations'. Look at you, you're so pathetic! I agree with Kero-san, you've done enough damage to poor Sakura-chan."
Yue looked at him, and his eyes narrowed. "Be careful," he said, "be very careful about what you say of Sakura-chan to me."
"Oh? And why would you care? After all, she's just 'the Mistress' to you, isn't she? A mere position! She's a person to me, Yue, I care about her! But I suppose the notion of 'caring' hasn't reached you yet."
Yue seemed to glow faintly. His hands clenched.
"You claim that I'm the fake, just a front for you, but I think it's more than that, isn't it, Yue? I'm the person you wish you could be, the person you would be if you had a normal life. You could never express all the feelings you had inside you whilst you were a guardian and the Final Judge, so you created me. What you didn't know, what you didn't remember from being Clow Reed's creation is that once something is created, it takes on a life of its own. I'm alive, Yue! I eat, which is more than you do, I sleep which is more than you do, I cry, which you've never done, and I feel things. So I think the question is, not whether I'm a fake or not, but who's more alive? You or me? And based on what's happened up until now, I'd say me."
"You wouldn't even exist without me, you ungrateful puppet!" Yue spat back. "If I decided to walk around as my true self, everyone would forget about you, your grandparents, Touya-kun, even Sakura-chan!"
Yukito flinched. "That's where you're wrong, Yue," he said. "Sakura-chan wouldn't forget me. You can't mess with her memory, or have you forgotten about that? And she'd miss me, I know that. I wonder if she'd miss you though?"
Yue took a step forward so he was face to face with Yukito. Both of them were panting in anger by now, daring each other to make the first move.
"I wonder who is it she loves? You or me?" said Yukito softly.
Yue's eyes widened. "Why you-"
He lunged forward, but as he did so, there was a creak above them, and a rotten branch fell towards the ground, straight towards Yue's head. Yukito saw it coming, he grabbed Yue's shirt and threw Yue away, the branch slammed down onto Yukito's back, leaving Yue totally unharmed.
"Yukito!" Yue cried, getting up from the floor.
Yukito groaned. Yue threw the branch off him. "Can you feel your legs?" he asked anxiously.
"Yeah.they hurt." Yukito turned his head around and smiled slightly at Yue, he pointed at the tree. "I guess Sakura-chan doesn't like us fighting, huh?"
Yue looked up at the tree that they were under: realising which kind it was, he sighed. The tree was at peace once more, now that they had stopped fighting or so it seemed. "I guess not," he said slowly. Then he knelt down and gently healed Yukito's wounds with his magic.
They both got up, embarrassed, unable to carry on. Fighting between them seemed crude after what had just happened.
"So you do care for Sakura-chan then?" said Yukito, looking at Yue steadily.
Yue folded his arms and looked away from Yukito, unable to meet his gaze. His face was unreadable at this moment in time. "Maybe," he said. "I don't know."
"Liar," said Yukito immediately. "You know all too well, how you feel for her. You were jealous just then, admit it! You couldn't handle the thought of me being with her-of someone else being close to your Mistress."
Yue's lip lifted, and he seemed to almost snarl for a moment. Yukito smiled, after some minutes of silence.
"Well at least we've settled the question of whether I'm a separate person from you, haven't we?" he asked.
"Have we?" asked Yue coldly.
"You wouldn't be so jealous at the thought of Sakura-chan and me otherwise," Yukito, answered, a little triumphant.
Yue refused to say anything in answer to that. He turned his back on Yukito and leaned against the tree trunk. "I have never wanted to be anything but a guardian," he said coldly. "You are mistaken if you think your life is something that I would ever want. I was given a sacred duty by Clow-sama and I will not betray it."
"Then I feel very sorry for Sakura-chan, loving someone as cold and heartless as you are," said Yukito, shaking his head.
"Heartless?! Heartless?! What would you know about my heart?! What would anyone know about my heart?! Nobody has ever, during all these centuries, even bothered to find out if I had one, much less touch it! And then she- and then she." Yue put a hand over his face, the other on his chest over his heart.
Yukito stared at him. He had never seen Yue lose control before. He had never seen Yue lose control at all. Compared to this, his feelings for Touya were just pale shadows.
Yue looked up into the branches of the tree. "And then one little ten year- old girl steals it out from right under my nose," he said brokenly. "Somebody I wasn't even allowed to love, much less touch. She is so vulnerable, Yukito.even now.so much power in such a fragile human body.I.I."
Yukito stepped forward and hugged him.
"I can't bear it!" Yue burst out against his shoulder. "I can't bear the thought of something happening to her! I feel ill when I think about it. She's so vulnerable.And the thought of her getting married.Going away from me." His eyes closed, one tear slid down his face, and then he sobbed, wracked tortured sobs, with tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Yue." said Yukito, silenced by this torrent of emotion from someone who had always seemed so lifeless. He suddenly realised his shirt was wet, and felt wonder touch him. Yue was crying, Yue never cried, not for any one, but here he was crying for Sakura. 'He must really love her, if he is doing this,' thought Yukito quietly.
"And I can never, never tell her. I can't afford to love my master again. Not after what happened last time!"
"Last time?"
"He died . . without even warning me . . just went . . I couldn't do anything! He knew! He knew he was going to die and he didn't tell me! I hated him for that.I swore that I'd never have another master. Ever. But she . . she was so lovely . . so pure . . so sweet . . I fell in love in a way I had not thought was possible for me.It wasn't the same as the emotion I had felt for Clow-sama, not desperate, possessive, and even dangerous. It was sweet, warm, pure, and reverent. I feel so awed when I look at her, Yukito. So much power in such a little girl and she carries it with such grace, such confidence. She amazes me." Yue's voice had dropped to a tender, longing whisper.
Yukito didn't feel that he could say anything in answer to this confession. He now knew the true meaning of the proverb 'still waters run deep'. Yue's waters ran so deep that he didn't think there was any way of measuring them.
"Do you just want to worship her then?" he asked.
Yue sighed. "She reminds me of a tale that Clow-sama told me when I was very, very young, when Keroberos was just a lion fledgling. He told me of a card that had been in existence before the Clow Cards, and she was his inspiration for making them. She was the Card of Heaven, Heavenly. She was the Queen of the Clow Cards, but she would only appear to someone pure of heart and true of spirit. Much like me, she lives inside a person, but over time unlike me, she actually melds into the person's spirit and becomes one with them, giving the person she has gone into her powers, abilities, wings and her circlet with a jewel on it, or what I call guardian features. She is much more powerful than me, than Keroberos. She is the ultimate card."
"Do you think she is going to appear to Sakura-chan?"
Yue nodded. "He told me that she was the one I was meant to love not him.I argued with him at the time, but now I wonder." Yue sighed.
"So you just want to worship Sakura from afar? Like an image?"
Yue sighed again. "At first I thought I could be content with that."
"You really are new at this, aren't you?" Yukito murmured.
"But when I first realised what was happening with Shaolan-kun . . it was like a knife in my heart, he was Clow-samas desendent so I didn't feel it was right for me to say any thing. But I still couldn't stand the thought of it. She was mine . . my mistress . . my little girl . ." Yue closed his eyes. "Lately, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her . . those beautiful green eyes . . her long soft hair . . the way she smiles at me, oh Gods, her smile.I can't stop myself, and it's driving me insane."
"Then why in heaven's name did you kiss Touya?!!"
"I thought you wanted to . . besides, it was just showing respect to him for how well he looks after Sakura-chan. Even though he pretends to hate her."
"Respect?! Oh boy." Yukito took Yue by the shoulders. "Yue, listen to me. In this century, when you kiss a boy, it means that you love him. That you love.men."
Yue stared at him. The innocence in his eyes almost made Yukito cry. "But of course I love Touya-kun," he said simply. "He is very good to you and to Sakura-chan."
"NO! I mean . . you want to be with them all the time, like . . like you seem to want to be with Sakura-chan."
Yue's expression changed so rapidly that it would have been comical except for the look on his face. "You cannot be serious!" he said. "Even with Clow- sama, I never. . that's ridiculous!"
Yukito shrugged. "It's the way people think. Basically, they think Touya and I are . . more than friends. That's certainly what Sakura-chan thinks, anyway."
Yue groaned. "Oh, what have I done?"
Yukito patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure it will all work out somehow," he said kindly.
Yue looked at him. "You know, I do wish I was like you," he said unexpectedly. "You know exactly what to say to people. You're not afraid to say that you feel the same way. I . . I wish I had that ability."
Yukito smiled. "But you do! You made me from yourself, didn't you? Then that ability must be inside you somewhere! You just have to find where you hid it and open the door."
Yue nodded sadly. "I'll see."
Yukito tipped his chin up and kissed him. Yue froze, his eyes wide. "What . . what are you doing?" he whispered.
Yukito pulled back and smiled at him. "You're welcome," he said with a sweet smile.
"Welcome for what?" Yue repeated, blinking at him.
"Just get back in here, I'm hungry."
Yue stared at him for a moment. "But aren't you going to answer me?"
"Oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out sooner or later," said Yukito with a smile, taking Yue's hand and pulling him back inside.
A feather floated down past his cheek. Yukito caught it before it touched the ground. It was white speckled with pink. Yukito's eyes narrowed.
'Yue?'
'Yes?'
'Have you ever seen a feather of this type before?'
'Oh Gods.'
'What?'
'That's the type of feather that the Heavenly Card is supposed to have.'
'You mean she was here and you didn't feel her?'
'I didn't feel a thing.'
Yukito immediately looked up and around him, but the area was as deserted as before. "Hmm," he said, then he pocketed the feather and continued on his way home.
As Yukito walked down the street he was having just a little trouble inside his head; not that this was unusual. Most people would have said that Yukito was a kind caring boy with a smile for everyone. However most people did not know what went on inside Yukito's head every week. What went on inside Yukito's head was basically a battle, between him and Yue. The problem was that Yue considered Yukito as a mere front, not a real person. Not surprisingly Yukito resented this attitude: he was especially annoyed about the kiss that Yue had given Touya. This had been the bone of contention for some years now and they were having another fight about it right now.
'I can't believe that somebody like you could manage to make so much trouble,' said Yue, tipping his nose up.
'I'm not the one who kissed Touya!'
'You said you wondered what it would be like, so I obliged, what's the problem?'
'The problem, let me see.You kissed a sixteen year old boy, which means everybody thinks I kissed a sixteen year old boy.'
'Wait a minute, they think we're the same person and don't you love him?'
'Yes, Yue, they do! Didn't you realise that? Well I did love him. At least and at least I didn't tell Eriol-kun that I wouldn't have let Sakura-chan become the mistress of the Clow cards if I'd know he was going to be reborn.'
'Shut up what would you know about why I said that, you're just a false front that I have in the twentieth century to hide myself; you're not a real person.'
Yukito stopped walking in front of the cherry tree where Sakura had travelled back into the past. He had had enough of this. He glanced around: there was nobody in the area except him.
"All right," said Yukito out loud. "Come out here, I want to talk to you. Face to face."
'What? You know that's impossible.'
"You think it's impossible, that's why you treat me like this, isn't it? Well I'm fed up of you treating me like a paper doll that you can just throw away whenever you want. We are having it out, Yue. Now!"
Yue's eyes narrowed.
'Fine.'
Yukito's body glowed a brilliant white and Yue's silhouette stepped out of his body, slowly it became physical, then Yue turned to face him. His wings appeared and stretched themselves before folding against his back. Except for his long white hair, Yue looked almost human, but the cold blue fire in his eyes warned Yukito he would have a real fight on his hands this time. He folded his arms. "Well?" he said in his 'Judgement' voice, very deep and cold.
Yukito stared back. "I'm still alive," he said, holding out his arms to demonstrate. "Haven't withered and died, have I?"
Yue raised one eyebrow. "Well of course you're not going to drop dead immediately. You'll probably just fade away."
Yukito was very tempted to hit this . . thing. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" he said with gritted teeth. "You'd like me to just go away, become a mask."
A faint smile appeared on Yue's lips. "No: the conversations we have are . . most interesting."
"That's my only value is it? 'Interesting conversations'. Look at you, you're so pathetic! I agree with Kero-san, you've done enough damage to poor Sakura-chan."
Yue looked at him, and his eyes narrowed. "Be careful," he said, "be very careful about what you say of Sakura-chan to me."
"Oh? And why would you care? After all, she's just 'the Mistress' to you, isn't she? A mere position! She's a person to me, Yue, I care about her! But I suppose the notion of 'caring' hasn't reached you yet."
Yue seemed to glow faintly. His hands clenched.
"You claim that I'm the fake, just a front for you, but I think it's more than that, isn't it, Yue? I'm the person you wish you could be, the person you would be if you had a normal life. You could never express all the feelings you had inside you whilst you were a guardian and the Final Judge, so you created me. What you didn't know, what you didn't remember from being Clow Reed's creation is that once something is created, it takes on a life of its own. I'm alive, Yue! I eat, which is more than you do, I sleep which is more than you do, I cry, which you've never done, and I feel things. So I think the question is, not whether I'm a fake or not, but who's more alive? You or me? And based on what's happened up until now, I'd say me."
"You wouldn't even exist without me, you ungrateful puppet!" Yue spat back. "If I decided to walk around as my true self, everyone would forget about you, your grandparents, Touya-kun, even Sakura-chan!"
Yukito flinched. "That's where you're wrong, Yue," he said. "Sakura-chan wouldn't forget me. You can't mess with her memory, or have you forgotten about that? And she'd miss me, I know that. I wonder if she'd miss you though?"
Yue took a step forward so he was face to face with Yukito. Both of them were panting in anger by now, daring each other to make the first move.
"I wonder who is it she loves? You or me?" said Yukito softly.
Yue's eyes widened. "Why you-"
He lunged forward, but as he did so, there was a creak above them, and a rotten branch fell towards the ground, straight towards Yue's head. Yukito saw it coming, he grabbed Yue's shirt and threw Yue away, the branch slammed down onto Yukito's back, leaving Yue totally unharmed.
"Yukito!" Yue cried, getting up from the floor.
Yukito groaned. Yue threw the branch off him. "Can you feel your legs?" he asked anxiously.
"Yeah.they hurt." Yukito turned his head around and smiled slightly at Yue, he pointed at the tree. "I guess Sakura-chan doesn't like us fighting, huh?"
Yue looked up at the tree that they were under: realising which kind it was, he sighed. The tree was at peace once more, now that they had stopped fighting or so it seemed. "I guess not," he said slowly. Then he knelt down and gently healed Yukito's wounds with his magic.
They both got up, embarrassed, unable to carry on. Fighting between them seemed crude after what had just happened.
"So you do care for Sakura-chan then?" said Yukito, looking at Yue steadily.
Yue folded his arms and looked away from Yukito, unable to meet his gaze. His face was unreadable at this moment in time. "Maybe," he said. "I don't know."
"Liar," said Yukito immediately. "You know all too well, how you feel for her. You were jealous just then, admit it! You couldn't handle the thought of me being with her-of someone else being close to your Mistress."
Yue's lip lifted, and he seemed to almost snarl for a moment. Yukito smiled, after some minutes of silence.
"Well at least we've settled the question of whether I'm a separate person from you, haven't we?" he asked.
"Have we?" asked Yue coldly.
"You wouldn't be so jealous at the thought of Sakura-chan and me otherwise," Yukito, answered, a little triumphant.
Yue refused to say anything in answer to that. He turned his back on Yukito and leaned against the tree trunk. "I have never wanted to be anything but a guardian," he said coldly. "You are mistaken if you think your life is something that I would ever want. I was given a sacred duty by Clow-sama and I will not betray it."
"Then I feel very sorry for Sakura-chan, loving someone as cold and heartless as you are," said Yukito, shaking his head.
"Heartless?! Heartless?! What would you know about my heart?! What would anyone know about my heart?! Nobody has ever, during all these centuries, even bothered to find out if I had one, much less touch it! And then she- and then she." Yue put a hand over his face, the other on his chest over his heart.
Yukito stared at him. He had never seen Yue lose control before. He had never seen Yue lose control at all. Compared to this, his feelings for Touya were just pale shadows.
Yue looked up into the branches of the tree. "And then one little ten year- old girl steals it out from right under my nose," he said brokenly. "Somebody I wasn't even allowed to love, much less touch. She is so vulnerable, Yukito.even now.so much power in such a fragile human body.I.I."
Yukito stepped forward and hugged him.
"I can't bear it!" Yue burst out against his shoulder. "I can't bear the thought of something happening to her! I feel ill when I think about it. She's so vulnerable.And the thought of her getting married.Going away from me." His eyes closed, one tear slid down his face, and then he sobbed, wracked tortured sobs, with tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Yue." said Yukito, silenced by this torrent of emotion from someone who had always seemed so lifeless. He suddenly realised his shirt was wet, and felt wonder touch him. Yue was crying, Yue never cried, not for any one, but here he was crying for Sakura. 'He must really love her, if he is doing this,' thought Yukito quietly.
"And I can never, never tell her. I can't afford to love my master again. Not after what happened last time!"
"Last time?"
"He died . . without even warning me . . just went . . I couldn't do anything! He knew! He knew he was going to die and he didn't tell me! I hated him for that.I swore that I'd never have another master. Ever. But she . . she was so lovely . . so pure . . so sweet . . I fell in love in a way I had not thought was possible for me.It wasn't the same as the emotion I had felt for Clow-sama, not desperate, possessive, and even dangerous. It was sweet, warm, pure, and reverent. I feel so awed when I look at her, Yukito. So much power in such a little girl and she carries it with such grace, such confidence. She amazes me." Yue's voice had dropped to a tender, longing whisper.
Yukito didn't feel that he could say anything in answer to this confession. He now knew the true meaning of the proverb 'still waters run deep'. Yue's waters ran so deep that he didn't think there was any way of measuring them.
"Do you just want to worship her then?" he asked.
Yue sighed. "She reminds me of a tale that Clow-sama told me when I was very, very young, when Keroberos was just a lion fledgling. He told me of a card that had been in existence before the Clow Cards, and she was his inspiration for making them. She was the Card of Heaven, Heavenly. She was the Queen of the Clow Cards, but she would only appear to someone pure of heart and true of spirit. Much like me, she lives inside a person, but over time unlike me, she actually melds into the person's spirit and becomes one with them, giving the person she has gone into her powers, abilities, wings and her circlet with a jewel on it, or what I call guardian features. She is much more powerful than me, than Keroberos. She is the ultimate card."
"Do you think she is going to appear to Sakura-chan?"
Yue nodded. "He told me that she was the one I was meant to love not him.I argued with him at the time, but now I wonder." Yue sighed.
"So you just want to worship Sakura from afar? Like an image?"
Yue sighed again. "At first I thought I could be content with that."
"You really are new at this, aren't you?" Yukito murmured.
"But when I first realised what was happening with Shaolan-kun . . it was like a knife in my heart, he was Clow-samas desendent so I didn't feel it was right for me to say any thing. But I still couldn't stand the thought of it. She was mine . . my mistress . . my little girl . ." Yue closed his eyes. "Lately, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her . . those beautiful green eyes . . her long soft hair . . the way she smiles at me, oh Gods, her smile.I can't stop myself, and it's driving me insane."
"Then why in heaven's name did you kiss Touya?!!"
"I thought you wanted to . . besides, it was just showing respect to him for how well he looks after Sakura-chan. Even though he pretends to hate her."
"Respect?! Oh boy." Yukito took Yue by the shoulders. "Yue, listen to me. In this century, when you kiss a boy, it means that you love him. That you love.men."
Yue stared at him. The innocence in his eyes almost made Yukito cry. "But of course I love Touya-kun," he said simply. "He is very good to you and to Sakura-chan."
"NO! I mean . . you want to be with them all the time, like . . like you seem to want to be with Sakura-chan."
Yue's expression changed so rapidly that it would have been comical except for the look on his face. "You cannot be serious!" he said. "Even with Clow- sama, I never. . that's ridiculous!"
Yukito shrugged. "It's the way people think. Basically, they think Touya and I are . . more than friends. That's certainly what Sakura-chan thinks, anyway."
Yue groaned. "Oh, what have I done?"
Yukito patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure it will all work out somehow," he said kindly.
Yue looked at him. "You know, I do wish I was like you," he said unexpectedly. "You know exactly what to say to people. You're not afraid to say that you feel the same way. I . . I wish I had that ability."
Yukito smiled. "But you do! You made me from yourself, didn't you? Then that ability must be inside you somewhere! You just have to find where you hid it and open the door."
Yue nodded sadly. "I'll see."
Yukito tipped his chin up and kissed him. Yue froze, his eyes wide. "What . . what are you doing?" he whispered.
Yukito pulled back and smiled at him. "You're welcome," he said with a sweet smile.
"Welcome for what?" Yue repeated, blinking at him.
"Just get back in here, I'm hungry."
Yue stared at him for a moment. "But aren't you going to answer me?"
"Oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out sooner or later," said Yukito with a smile, taking Yue's hand and pulling him back inside.
A feather floated down past his cheek. Yukito caught it before it touched the ground. It was white speckled with pink. Yukito's eyes narrowed.
'Yue?'
'Yes?'
'Have you ever seen a feather of this type before?'
'Oh Gods.'
'What?'
'That's the type of feather that the Heavenly Card is supposed to have.'
'You mean she was here and you didn't feel her?'
'I didn't feel a thing.'
Yukito immediately looked up and around him, but the area was as deserted as before. "Hmm," he said, then he pocketed the feather and continued on his way home.