A long time ago (about 16 years or so), in a galaxy not so far away…
MATHS WARS
(scrolly writing)
It is a period of mathematical unrest.
The Evil Maths Incarnate has been corrupting
the local schools under the alias of Mr Rod Deeth.
Secretly he has been training an evil apprentice, "Mr
Luke Cornwell" to help him in his plot to totally annihilate
general misbehaviour and unruliness in class and replace it with
mind controlled students who wordlessly solve mathematical problems.
But although they have put their hideous plans into play, there is still hope.
In the pathetic, pitiable Queensland town of Rockhampton, a child is born…..
"Our plans are proceeding as you have foreseen it, Master."
"Yes, yes, I know," snapped back Evil Maths Incarnate, looking with contempt at the stupidity of his evil apprentice, Absolute Prick. Of course they were proceeding as he had foreseen it. He was the Evil Maths Incarnate, Evil for short. He was always right, there should have been no question. Absolute cringed in fear. Yes. Their evil plan was coming along very nicely. They had begun to persuade the world that to get a good job, they needed maths.
16 years later…
"BORING! Hey, can we do something interesting in class Dr Death… uh… I mean Mr Deeth?" Yet again, the class was disrupted by the unruliness and general misbehaviour of Suzi Close. Evil swore under his breath. They had begun to reap the benefits of their evil plan when there had been a disturbance in the force. A child had single handedly distracted her maths class, and destroyed all concentration on doing maths problems quietly, all year. Yet she had no idea of the powers she possessed. Evil had personally come out of "retirement" to monitor her behaviour, and, if necessary, destroy her spirit and twist her to his evil will. She was proving difficult. It was necessary. They had tried, and almost succeeded the year before, but not quite. And now she was receiving support from the people around her. Things were getting out of hand. Prue leant over and whispered, "Keep it up Suzi, we might get out of 10 minutes this time." Dammit, thought Evil, she's corrupting our good work, we shall have to eliminate her. He walked over to her. Suzi was drawing in her maths book. She was writing things without even seeming to realise what it was. Evil's eyes widened as he saw what she was writing. Over and over were the words "The teacher is EVIL. The teacher is EVIL." This child's power was astonishing. She could sense the truth without even realising it. If she could be turned, she would become a powerful ally. Yes. He would get Absolute to see to it. But in the meantime, he would have to handle the trouble she was causing.
Later, at Prue's house, Prue was about to start her maths homework.
"Hey Prue, watcha doing?" Suzi was staying over the night.
"My maths homework, what you should be doing."
"Maths homework? Me? You gotta be kidding. There is something wrong with that teacher."
"Yeah? What makes you think that?"
"I looked in my maths book and I've written everywhere 'The teacher is EVIL'. The maths book never lies, Prue," she started chuckling to herself, "No, seriously, something strange is going on. I'm gonna check it out. The teachers all said they were attending a meeting tonight. I'm gonna do a reccy."
"A what?"
"Reccy, you know, recon, spying and all that shit."
"No, Suzi, don't. They'll catch you—"
"Catch me from what? If they have nothing to hide, I'll have nothing to find. Are you coming or not?"
"Alright. But if I get busted—"
"You won't. Trust me."
In the scrub at school near the altar-like rock:
"HOLY SHIT!"
"Shut up, Suzi, they'll hear us," whispered Prue violently.
"They're killing the chickens! Prue, we gotta do something!"
"What can we do? Hold a protest against KFC?"
"Hmm," Suzi considered it. "No, KFC doesn't even use chicken."
Suddenly, on the other side of the altar, something with way too much glitter on it burst into the scene.
"Sparkle Fairies to the rescue!"
Suzi turned to Prue grinning. "Problem solved. Kathryn's here."
"Oh my god… is that a pink tutu?"
Kathryn leapt into the circle, wand waving, leading an entire army of sparkle fairies.
"To the chickens, Nairy!" she shouted, heading towards the altar, followed by a single lump of glowing glitter. Suzi could barely contain her laughter.
"Did you see Dr Death's face? This is a crack-up!" Prue shook her head, smiling.
"I always knew there had to be another reason for Kathryn's weirdness. This explains a lot. Meanwhile, now I know the teachers at this school are psychopaths. Sacrificing chickens just isn't healthy." Kathryn and Nairy had reached the altar, grabbed the chickens and run off into the darkness. The only sign that they had been there was the thick layer of glitter they used for fairy dust covering the ground.
"Well." said Suzi. "That was interesting."
"Uh, Suzi?"
"Yeah?"
"Shouldn't we be, like, moving before they get here and find us?"
"Too late," said a new voice that was somehow familiar. Suzi and Prue turned to face the newcomer.
"Oh shit."
Suzi did not like being manhandled, as several of Evil's evil henchmen had found out. She had inflicted many bites, gashes and smashed in noses before someone had come up behind her and knocked her out. Prue was considerably more sensible, and came peacefully. As Suzi came around she looked up at their captor and said, "You know something, Lucas? You're an absolute prick." Absolute was stunned. She knew his real name. He turned as Evil came in.
"She knows my real name!" he hissed. Evil snorted.
"That figures. She's not stupid you know. Your character really suits your name, Absolute." He turned to face Suzi and Prue. "You two could have caused quite a bit of trouble."
"Hey, trouble's my middle name. Well, not really. It's actually Belinda, but I've always had an incredible urge to say that, and it was just such an opportune…" Suzi continued babbling. Evil looked over at Absolute.
"What did you give her? She's delirious."
"Me? I did nothing." Meanwhile, as Evil and Absolute were preoccupied, Suzi was working on the bonds around her wrists. Finally she slipped them off. Absolute took Prue out of the room while Evil advanced on Suzi.
"It is pointless to resist. You, like your father, will be mine."
"Uh, I hate to break it to you, but Dad so does not belong to you."
"Not him you fool! Your real father. Suzi, I can show him to you now." Evil brought a small holodevice into view and hit a button. An image sprung into view and said, "Hello Suzi. Mesa your bombad father!"
"NO! That's not true… THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"
"Heh heh heh. Give in to your anger. I feel it growing stronger in you with each passing moment. Give in to your hate!" Evil cackled.
"Sithspit, that's not anger you're feeling. I think I'm going to hurl from disgust!"
"It is pointless to resist…"
"Resist what? What am I resisting? The only thing I'm resisting is your smell. You really should take a bath more often, evil smells like shit."
"You insolent fool! If you will not join us, then you will DIE!"
"First, don't call me a fool. Second, REALITY CHECK! I'm young, you're old. Eat dirt, old man!" Suzi lashed out and swiped Evil's legs with her foot, leaving him to fall face first on the floor. She ran outside and locked the door behind her, then turned to stroll casually down the corridor. And stopped.
"OK, where the hell am I?" The gleaming metallic walls were so clean it was offensive. And then she heard the footsteps, perfectly in time, heading her way. As she turned and bolted, she caught a glimpse of white armour coming behind her.
"Look! Stop her!" a mechanised voice came behind her, followed by blaster bolts hitting everything except Suzi.
"Well, I'll just be going before you decide to aim at the wall … you might hit me." She ducked into the nearest doorway and the door hissed shut and locked behind her. "Gundam this place is evil!" she said, holding her nose. She was in the garbage masher. And then the walls started moving in. "OK, I'm hoping I'm just claustrophobic, and it's just my imagination that these walls are getting closer…" She looked around and saw a grate about 4 metres above her. She dragged all the big bits of rubbish under it and climbed on top. Still a metre short… Crouching down she prepared herself. The walls were 50 centimetres apart… She leapt, bashed out the grate, and fell on the floor. At the feet of Absolute and Prue.
Absolute had tied Suzi's wrists again and now held both her and Prue at blaster point. He brought them to a viewport, which they all looked out at a blue, green and white planet. Earth. Absolute laughed evilly as he forced Suzi and Prue into 2 desks and cut their bonds.
"Complete the papers in 30 minutes, and maybe we won't blow up your planet. Mua ha ha ha…" He started pacing behind them, and Suzi picked up her pen and started writing 'Lucas is a prick' when she heard a voice in her head.
"Suzi what the hell are you writing? This paper looks like it's in Greek to me. Oh wait, it is."
"OK," thought Suzi, "First I'm claustrophobic, now I'm schizophrenic…"
"Don't be stupid. It's me, Prue."
"And you just didn't think it was important to tell me you're telepathic?"
"I'm not supposed to use my powers unless it's an emergency."
"Powers? There's more?"
"I can thoughtspeak, read minds and use telekinesis."
"SWEET! OK, here's what we're going to do…"
There was one minute to go. Suzi looked over at Prue and nodded slightly. As one they got up and turned.
"Well Lucas. Looks like times up. For you, anyway." Prue telekinetically slammed him against the wall as Suzi snatched up the blaster. Absolute slid down the wall onto his feet.
"Uh, Prue? Aren't you meant to be holding him there?"
"I'm sorry, Suzi. He's stronger than me…"
"WHAT! He's got powers too?"
"'Fraid so…" Absolute started moving towards them. "Suzi, there's more..."
"Prue, I think the best thing you can do in a situation like this, is RUN!" Suzi snatched Prue's arm and dragged her through the door, sprinted down the corridors and started turning randomly. Until they ran into a battalion of stormtroopers.
"OK, Prue. We'll just back out nice and slow. Don't make any sudden movements…" The end stormtrooper turned to look at them.
"Who are you? Are you meant to be here?"
"Why, of course!" replied Suzi, putting on her best innocent look. "We were just delivering a pizza when we got lost. Say, you wouldn't know the way to the hangar bay from here, would you?"
"It's just down one level on your left… Hey, where'd you get that blaster from?"
"Blaster? What blaster? Oh, you mean this blaster!" Suzi swung it up and shot him. And the thousand or so other stormtroopers turned to look at them.
"Oh sithspit…"
They were still running, but the stormtroopers were everywhere.
"Prue, I got an idea!" As they ran into two more stormtroopers, Suzi stunned them.
"Quick, get their armour off. All we have to do is act dumb and we'll pass any inspection…" Suzi started pulling the armour on over her clothes. She checked her callsign as she put the helmet on.
"I'm TK-421. What are you, Prue?"
"TK-420. Lucky we're tall, we wouldn't be able to see otherwise. OK, I think the hangar bay's this way." They started sauntering down the corridor when a voice came over their comm.
"TK-421, why aren't you at your post? TK-421, why aren't you at your post?"
"Well, I was, but you wouldn't guess, it just got up and ran away. And it looks like all the other posts around here, I can't tell which one it is, the little scoundrel…"
"What? Who is this?"
"Prue, we have a problem."
"No, Suzi. We have a really big problem. Look." The hangar bay was swarming with stormtroopers.
"Which ship are we going to take? I think I can distract them, but we better know where we're heading."
"I believe I can answer that," came a new voice from behind them. Prue and Suzi turned to face a guy with blue skin, red glowing eyes, and a really spiffy haircut.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Suzi. The guy assumed a heroic pose and said "I'm Spaceman Thrawn. I'm here to rescue you."
"You're who?"
"I'm here to rescue you. I came with Lord Hogfish."
"Lord Hogfish! Where is she?"
"Come on. We came in the ship that looks like a hamburger with a pickle next to it." Prue looked around for it.
"Oh, no way man. There's like 50 stormtroopers between us and the ship."
"No worries," said Suzi as she pulled out a small speeder bike toy.
"Suzi, what are you doing?" Prue asked, staring as Suzi started strapping a teddy bear onto the bike.
"If there's one thing stormtroopers can't resist," said Suzi as she pulled out the controller, "it's stuffed bears on speeder bikes. Watch and learn." She set it down and it started zipping in plain view of the troopers.
"Look! Stop him!" the stormtroopers gave chase and soon they were facing an empty hangar. Lord Hogfish started down the ramp.
"Are you lot coming? We need to get home in time for Dragonball Z."
"What's your ship called?"
"Smoking Wreck."
"Interesting… uh, Suzi, mind explaining any of this?"
"Lord Hogfish is a High Priestess of the Itonians. Itonians worship, well, occasionally worship IT, the god of weirdness. My guess is Lord Hogfish noticed a lack of idiocy in the town, and realised I wasn't there. Don't know how the hell she found us, but."
"Ah, but it was all so clear," broke in Thrawn. "After staring intently at the maths sculpture at your school, I came to the conclusion that some old man and a real prick were intent on mathematically controlling the world, or blowing it up. They'd need a death star to do that, and thus, I realised you would be here."
"You got all that from staring at art?"
"Well, of course it could have been a hallucination brought on by that Red Eye…" Meanwhile, Lord Hogfish had piloted the Smoking Wreck out of range of the tractor beam.
"Oy," she yelled, "we got company." Suzi looked over at Thrawn.
"Challenge! Bet I can get more ties than you." She raced off to one of the gun turrets. Thrawn got up, then fell over.
"Oh great. My foot has VERY FUCKING CONVENIENTLY gone to sleep." He limped down to the other gun turret. Suzi had already nailed one tie as he brought his targeting system up.
"He he, sucker!" she said as another tie exploded. "Come on, Spaceman, they're not that hard to hit." By the end of it Suzi had 13 kills to Thrawn's 7.
"It was my joystick goddammit!"
"Oh sure, blame the equipment." The ship gave a slight lurch as they made the jump to hyperspace.
"OK, I take it we're not going back to Earth…" Lord Hogfish emerged from the cockpit looking rather pissed.
"Fat lot of help you two are. Me and Prue had to fight off all the ties while you two were mucking around in that game Talricos rigged up."
"Hmm," pondered Suzi, "Come to think of it, it did look a tad bit digital…" Lord Hogfish walked off shaking her head muttering about town idiots and STotM's.
"So, Thrawn, any idea where we're headed?" He walked over to gaze intently at Lord Hogfish's artistic rendition of "Hat in Space".
"Yes… there is no doubt in the matter. We're obviously going to Tatooine, the remote planet that no-one has ever heard of but has extreme significance to all important events in the galaxy."
"Why the hell are we going to a dustball like that?"
"My theory is that we have to find some naïve boy that likes shooting rodents, so he can blow up that death star for us."
"Why a naïve boy that likes shooting rodents?"
"Because we won't find anyone else as stupid, trigger happy and eager to get off a planet willing to go against a death star." Lord Hogfish had come back into the room.
"Actually," she said, "I've just got to pick up Talricos."
"I rest my case."
"So… this is Mos Eisley. Interesting." Suzi started down the ramp, closely followed by Prue, Lord Hogfish and Spaceman Thrawn. Thrawn looked around and said, "Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy," in a rather British sounding voice.
"Ok. Does anyone have any idea where the hell Talricos might be? He only told me he'd be on Tatooine." Lord Hogfish turned to face everyone. Prue looked blank. "Don't know him. Sorry."
Thrawn started pacing. "I'd have to see some artwork to figure it out precisely, but I'd say he's gambling."
"Yeah, me too. Suzi, what do you think?"
"Huh? Oh, I think they should outlaw pepsi altogether. I mean, everyone hates it, coke tastes way better, and then we wouldn't have buy it if we wanted a drink at KFC. In fact… oh wait, you mean about Talricos…" she sniffed the air and gestured vaguely in a direction. "He's over there." Everyone looked blankly at her. Thrawn said, "So, you can smell him or something?" He sniffed the air. "All I smell is onions."
"Exactly." They started heading in the direction the odour was coming from and soon came across a disreputable looking cantina. As they walked into the haze, Prue said, "I've got a bad feeling about this…" Their eyes adjusted to the dim lighting and their attention was drawn to a table in the far back corner.
"Ha ha, looks like I win again." Talricos was drawing a large pile of credits towards himself. The various aliens around the table looked like they were trying to think and it was taking a lot of effort. The next lot of cards had been dealt. The other aliens still looked perplexed. Talricos said, "Hit me." The aliens stopped looking perplexed, and hit him. Spaceman Thrawn lunged towards them and managed to get himself between them and Talricos.
"This little one's not worth the effort. Come, let me get you something."
Suzi leaned across to Lord Hogfish and said, "What's with the British accent? He keeps slipping into it…"
"Hmm? Oh, who knows? That boy has some strange stuff going on in his head. I was actually more interested in this sculpture of a squash."
The group of aliens was advancing on Thrawn.
"Don't make me destroy you…" One of the more intelligent meatheads managed to look disdainful. "Yeah? With what?"
"With this." Thrawn unclipped a handle from his belt, and with a snap-hiss, ignited his spatula. The aliens looked confused again. Until Thrawn chopped off someone's arm. Prue, Suzi and Lord Hogfish sat down at the bar to enjoy the scene. Thrawn valiantly attempted to hold off the attackers. They drew their blasters.
"No blasters! No blasters!" The bartender ducked. Suzi leaned over and said, "But spatula's are ok, right?" The bartender looked perplexed, then ducked again as Thrawn deflected the blaster bolts. One of the meathead aliens took advantage of his distraction and kicked Thrawn right in the groin. All three watchers winced in sympathy, then moved quickly out of the way as Thrawn's body was hurled onto the bar.
"Are you lot gonna help out or what?"
Suzi and Lord Hogfish recoiled and yelled, "BLASPHEMY!"
"What?"
"ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!"
Suzi, needing to vent her frustration, grabbed a convenient pool noodle and started beating the aliens, and when she thought no-one was looking, Talricos as well. One of the aliens, in it's hurried retreat, tripped over the squash sculpture and smashed it.
"Arrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!" Lord Hogfish's cry of anguish sounded above the noise of fighting. "Some people just don't appreciate good art." And she started beating the crap out of the offending alien. The aliens soon realised they were losing, and thus ran outside to their speeder bikes. Thrawn and Suzi ran after them and stole some conveniently parked ones to give chase. Prue and Lord Hogfish dragged Talricos back to the ship. Meanwhile, Suzi and Thrawn were travelling at dangerously high speeds through narrow passages and over conveniently placed ramps, mowing down skegs for fun. They caught up with the meatheads and started trying to knock them off. In a spiffy way, of course. They speeded ahead and were soon out in the desert heading for a canyon. "Dammit, I missed that last challenge point. Hey, have you noticed that this canyon seems rather repetitive?" They smashed the last meathead, and proceeded through the "eye of the needle" and pulled up at some house thing. They parked their speeder bikes and went inside, where they found an astromech droid projecting a hologram.
"Help me Obi-Spiff Kenobi, you're my only hope… Help me Obi-Spiff Kenobi, you're my only hope… Help me—"
"Is that Mara Jade? Wearing a tight tank top? Thrawn?" Spaceman Thrawn did not reply, he was too busy drooling over the hologram. His drool hit the droid, it shorted and the hologram disappeared.
"What? Bring it back! I want to see the whole message!" Suzi rolled her eyes.
"That is just not spiffy…" she said, then started laughing at Thrawn's attempts to restart the droid.
Meanwhile, Prue and Lord Hogfish had reached the ship and dumped Talricos on one of the bunks just as he started to come around.
"Unnh." He sat up, rubbing his head. "Oh come on, I was winning. What'd you go and interrupt me for?" Lord Hogfish looked at him with disbelief.
"You call that winning? I call that 'getting your arse kicked'."
"I had everything under control. It was all part of my plan."
"Sure. Whatever. Just like Vegeta's a kind, caring parent. We have something more interesting for you to do."
"What can be more interesting than making more money?"
"Blowing stuff up."
"Hmmm. Yes, I can see the advantages of that." Prue got up and started pacing.
"Why do Suzi and Thrawn get to have all the fun? I say we go find them." Prue let the ramp down and started to walk down. Until blaster bolts started raining around her.
"Ok, maybe not. Hey guys, let's get out of here, there's a bunch of stormies outside with an E-web." Lord Hogfish was already in the cockpit.
"Get on the comlink and find out where Thrawn and Suzi are. We're blasting out of here."
"Spaceman Kenobi, months ago you served… oh fuck, what was the line again? Ah yes. Months ago you served my father in the Spiff Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against mathematics. I regret that I am unable to present his request to you in person, but my starship has fallen under attack, and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Spiffiraan has failed. I have placed data vital to the survival of the Maths Haters in this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to Spiffiraan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me Obi-Spiff Kenobi, you're my only hope." Thrawn leaned back and looked thoughtful.
"Obi-Spiff Kenobi… Now that's a name I've not heard since, oh, well for at least 3 months…"
"You know who she's talking about?"
"Of course I know him. He's me. Well, at least, one of my aliases… You must learn the ways of the Spiff, if you're to come with me to Spiffiraan."
"Spiffiraan? Bugger off. I've got better stuff to be doing than chasing some chick in a tight tank top. That type of stuff just doesn't appeal to me…" Suzi got up to head outside. And walked into a battalion of stormtroopers. "What is with this? Thrawn, we have a slight problem."
"Suzi, do you copy? Suzi, where the hell are you?"
"Cool your jets, Prue. We're in the house at the end of the canyon."
"Which one?"
"The only one that's surrounded by stormies."
"Oh. Just a sec." Lord Hogfish manoeuvred the Smoking Wreck down above the house and open fired. A minute later Thrawn, the droid and Suzi emerged from the smoke and headed to the ship.
"Stormtrooper flambé…C'mon, let's ditch this planet."
"Absolute, what has been going on? I gave you the task of capturing the rebel group and I'm not seeing any results. I want that girl!"
"Yes master. They are proving… difficult…"
"Too difficult for an intelligent, logical minded being such as yourself? You are my apprentice, remember? I want them found and brought to me. Leave me."
"Yes master." Absolute left Evil's private chambers and headed for his shuttle. He was getting frustrated. The rebels weren't doing as he predicted… they were being irregular. As he piloted his shuttle back to his flagship, the Equation, a plan began to formulate in his mind.
Once more in hyperspace, the small group finally had time to, figuratively speaking, slow down. Everyone gathered around the droid. Prue looked at its number. "R2RNOT. And you say you found it in that house? Interesting."
"Not as interesting as the message. I can play it again for you." Thrawn looked hopeful. Suzi smirked.
"Thrawn's got a thing for Mara Jade, the person the message is from. Only problem is he keeps shorting the droid."
"Mara Jade? But isn't she a bad guy?"
"Yeah, that's what I keep telling him, but he won't listen. Here, look at the message." She hit a button, and the message played for them.
"It's obviously a trap. What are these Spiff Wars anyway? Thrawn? Someone shut his jaw for him." Lord Hogfish contemplated the meaning of the message. "Spiff Wars, Spiffiraan, Obi-Spiff Kenobi… There's something unspiffy about all this…"
"I don't know, it sounds like it's been overspiffified to me." Suzi started pacing. "Thrawn, care to fill in the blanks?"
"Several months ago, I was spending a holiday on Spiffiraan, and I kinda met this girl…"
"Spare us the details. Please."
"Well, it turned out her father was the leader of a resistance group against these really unspiffy people that had this unnatural urge to do maths. So, being the spiffy spaceman that I am, I helped them out. They called it the Spiff Wars, because it was a struggle to bring spiffiness back to their planet. If there's been a maths uprising there since I left, I must return to help them. After I rescue Mara, of course."
"Right. And how the hell do you plan on doing that?"
"The hologram. It's a form of art. I'll have to study it extensively…"
"Sure you will. I still think this is a trap." Thrawn had gone back to staring at the message. "Hey, Lord Hogfish, where're we heading?"
"Just a short stopover on some backwater planet. I heard some rumours about ancient Itonian scrolls being found there, so I thought I'd check it out."
"Ancient Itonian scrolls… Quarrel'd kill to get her hands on those." Suzi walked into the other spare room of the ship where she found Prue. Prue looked up as she came in.
"Suzi. I need to talk to you."
"Right… you wanted to tell me something way back when we were on the Death Star. So spill." Suzi sat down next to her.
"Ok. This may be hard for you to accept, or realise, or whatever, but I need to tell you. You know how I have these powers and all?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, they come from this thing called the force."
"The force. Right, I'm with you so far."
"The force is like an energy, that surrounds us, binds the galaxy together. But not everyone can use the force, only very few people are left that can actually manipulate it to use these 'powers'. This force comes directly from our feelings about maths, the light side being those who abhor it, the dark side are those who love it."
"Ok, and you're telling me this why?"
"Suzi, the force is strong in you. You have the ability to be stronger than anyone else in history, stronger even than Absolute and Evil."
"Absolute and evil? Ok, you lost me now."
"Mr Cornwell and Mr Deeth are just aliases for the galaxy's two most vile beings; Absolute Prick and his master, Evil Maths Incarnate. I guess it's time I came clean about who I really am. My real name is Vimari. I'm just an apprentice and was sent undercover into your school to keep an eye on things, to monitor Absolute and Evil, but also you. Surely you've noticed how you can sometimes sense things that no-one else can?"
"Gut instinct."
"No Suzi, the force. I'd like to show you some basic training. Do you want to learn?"
"If I get to toss Lucas around like a puppet, this has definitely got to be worth it." Prue looked at Suzi with exasperation.
"No, all that subjection to vectors may make you susceptible to the dark side."
"So you're telling me I have all these cool abilities, but I can't use them to have fun? Damn."
"We are the forces of good in the galaxy. We sacrifice for the greater good. Only ever use the force for the destruction of maths."
"Right. So are you gonna teach me or what?"
Absolute watched the stars through the main viewport on the Equation as Admiral Norom approached.
"My Lord, the last squids have been deployed."
"Excellent. I shall have them." Absolute allowed himself a smile of victory. Sooner or later, the group would land on a planet where he had placed his evil maths squids. And when they did, there would be no escape for them.
"So why are we whispering?" Suzi whispered at Lord Hogfish.
"Apparently there's some great evil guarding the scrolls, which is why I only brought you along and left the others on the ship. Plus you might be able to sense the weirdness exuding from the scrolls." They snuck along the side of the building, watching for the first sign they'd been spotted.
"Ok, according to the rumours, the scrolls are somewhere in this area. Do you think you can do that force thing and check it out?"
"Yeah, why not? I'm not guaranteeing anything but." Suzi closed her eyes and stretched out…
"Uh, Suzi? We're not doing yoga."
"Right. Ok, I think they're in that building. But I'm not that sure, so don't take my word for it." They crept up and looked in a window. On a pedestal in the middle of the room covered by a glass case were the scrolls. And nothing else. The rest of the room was empty.
"This looks too easy," Suzi said, glancing around suspiciously. "Oh well. We may as well check it out." She climbed in through the window. Lord Hogfish used the door. Suzi was circling around the pedestal.
"I know this has to be trap. I don't want to lift the glass, because that's usually when the floor opens to the snake-pit."
"Can you see anything that might trigger a trap?"
"No. Doesn't mean it's not there. Oh well. Get back." Suzi got a long stick from outside, and standing well back from the pedestal, nudged the glass casing, started to tip it over… SMASH! tinkle tinkle.
"Whoops. Well, look on the bright side. The floor didn't drop us in a pit." They walked up to the pedestal again. Reaching out, Suzi gently picked up the top scroll. Nothing happened.
"This is weird. Something bad usually should have happened before now."
"Uh, Suzi?"
"Mmm hmm?"
"I think something bad has happened." She turned around and had to fight the uncontrollable urge to step backwards. They were surrounded by a crowd of identical beings, about a metre high, with blonde bowl cuts and pudgy faces. One of them stepped forward and said, "Are you an angel? Hi, I'm Jake666. Yippieeee!" Suzi cringed.
"Lord Hogfish, I think we've found that great evil you were talking about."
"Yeah, I think you're right. Grab the scrolls, we'll have to make a run for it."
Suzi picked up the bundle, but as soon as they began to move the flood of mini Jakes started circling around them, picking up speed.
"Yippieeee! Yippieeee! Yippieeee! Yippieeee! Yippieeee! We must take you to our leader. Yippieeee!" The Jakes herded them out to another building and then parted to reveal Jake Lloyd sitting on a throne. Beside him, waving huge fans were two very familiar figures, wearing—
"Holy IT! He's cloned George Lucas! I'd recognise that flannelette shirt anywhere." Jake looked at them, and smiled in what was obviously meant to be a cute way, but failed miserably.
"Golly I'm cute. What do you think of my acting? Yippieeee!"
"Oh dear IT save us now! Jake, you can't act for insert word here." Lord Hogfish looked at Suzi.
"Hey, I never knew you could say . Hey, I just said . Ah the benefits of writing down a story…" Meanwhile Jake's face was contorting in slow motion in the lip twist that made Mark Hamill famous. Suzi noticed.
"Hey, it must run in the family." Jake proceeded to yell a slow motion "Noooooooooooo!!" and realtime suddenly cut in. Jake flung himself on one of the Georges and started sobbing, "They don't like me! How can this be?" The George he was sobbing on said, "There, there. Jake, you may have sucked gazillions of people in with your cute power, but you are not all powerful."
"Well I should be." He started sulking.
"Thunderbirds are go." Suzi broke the silence. "Sorry. I just had an incredible urge to say that…" Jake's sulk quickly turned to rage.
"Put them in the dungeons! I will make them watch Episode 1 until they admit how cute I am. Yippieeee!" Suzi and Lord Hogfish were once again surrounded by the mini Jakes and were promptly escorted to a dungeon.
Meanwhile, back in the Smoking Wreck, Prue suddenly looked up.
"Suzi's in trouble." Thrawn looked at her.
"What makes you think that?"
"I can feel it. We have to do something, she's in an incredible amount of pain…"
"Just a minute… If she's in pain, doesn't that mean there's something big and bad out there?"
"You've got a spatula. I've got the force. What more do we need? Let's go."
The movie stopped playing. Lord Hogfish, her resistance greatly weakened, managed to look up.
"You've got a spatula, she says. I've got the force, she says. What could possibly go wrong?" Thrawn and Prue were being marched towards them, surrounded by mini-jakes.
"Together again…" LH muttered.
"Wouldn't miss it."
"Oh my God! What happened to Suzi?" Prue rushed over to Suzi's inert form.
"It was horrible. I think she couldn't hack it anymore. Muttered something about wishing she was frozen in carbonite rather than this. The only thing that saved us was Duel of the Fates and the Darth Maul fight scene…" she trailed off as Jake Lloyd entered the cell.
"I have decided this isn't effective enough," he said.
"Oh thank IT," muttered Suzi as she regained consciousness.
"Therefore," he continued, glaring at Suzi, "we are going to the big screen."
They weren't the only ones in the cinema. There was a couple sitting a few rows back and an annoying usher named Scott who was a real prick.
"Talk about crap," Suzi muttered. "Not even Gold Class." She threw some popcorn at Jake and promptly handed the box to Scott. The Georges looked menacingly at him. Suzi sniggered as he spluttered and made a fool of himself. But then the sounds of an argument came from the couple sitting behind them.
"I do not look like a little girl in Episode1. At least you don't see my character with a bowl cut…"
"At least I don't fall for a 10 year old…" You could almost see the recognition dawning on Thrawn's face. Holding up an easter egg, he said,
"Want some candy?" Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen turned to face him. Jake went all dreamy eyed and said,
"Padme! I never thought I'd see you again!" Scott glared at him and said,
"How dare you talk to my Natalie! Natalie, you don't have to put up with this sort of thing. Say, have you got a room?" Natalie looked blank and Hayden looked amused. Suzi sidled up next to him and "tripped", falling on his lap.
"Oh, sorry! Hi, I'm Suzi, and let me just say, you looked so hot in 'Life as a house'." She batted her eyelashes at him and tried not to drool. Prue looked jealous and LH tried not to laugh. Scott had walked up to Thrawn, who was trying politely to disengage himself from the conversation.
"…I mean, I saw her today and was thinking 'bow wow' and just wanted to kiss her, but I don't know how to tell her. Hey, maybe you can help me. Do you… d'you think you could pass on the message for me?" At this Thrawn's face lit up.
"Sure. Anything to help out." He grinned as he went up to Natalie. "Excuse me, milady. I have a message to pass on from someone." He leant down and kissed her. He straightened up grinning even more. Then she slapped him. He walked back to Scott and punched him in the face, knocking him off his feet.
"Owwww! What was that for?" he whined.
"What can I say? I tend to exaggerate messages…"
"You know, you shouldn't have done that. And you shouldn't have touched my Natalie." As he was saying this, he raised his fists and came at Thrawn, throwing a punch with all his weight behind it. Thrawn took a step to the side and nudged him as he went past, sending him sprawling. He started giggling and said,
"Boy, do you need to learn how to fight." He was laughing so much he couldn't even dodge the next punch, but rolled his shoulder with it to make it ineffective. Suzi stopped flirting with Hayden to watch.
"Oh no, Scott might use his lego X-wing against me, what am I going to do? Puh-lease."
"Excuse me just a minute." Suzi looked at the George who had attached Thrawn's spatula to his belt and concentrated on calculus. The spatula flew through the air to Thrawn's hand and he ignited it, turning on Scott.
"Yuo n07 1337 /\/u## 2 1|\/3 #@9."
"|-|u|-|? |-|3y \/\/|-|y /\/\ | 741||/\/9 1||3 7|-||5?
"Fewl. 1 0\/\/|\| j00." With some precise flicks of the wrist and settings on g_spatularealisticcombat 1, Scott's head, legs and arms fell off and disappeared, leaving his torso on the floor. By now Jake and the Georges had backed away into a wall.
"Hand over the scrolls," said Suzi. The other George tossed them to LH and cowered in the corner. "OK people, how do you propose we take care of that annoying little prat, Jake?"
"Bah, who cares? He's insignificant to the story anyway. But we better steal that movie so he can't force anyone else to watch it." Suzi summoned the film to her using the force and used part of it to tie up Jake and the Georges. They all turned to leave and found Talricos in the doorway flirting terribly with some girl.
"Wanna see my Michael Jackson dance?"
"Sod off. I don't want to see your smegging Michael Jackson dance."
"Quarrel!" said LH, mildly surprised. "How nice of you to join us. Finally someone intelligent, witty and possessing a vocabulary slightly larger than the dictionary to talk to."
"Did you get those scrolls I heard about?"
"Yeah, you didn't have to come all this way."
"Well I got sick of all those smegging birds that sound like alarm clocks sitting outside my window, not to mention living in a town called Townsville. Feel like I'm in a gundam PowerPuff Girls episode." Just then, an express package came for Suzi. Picking it up, she read the note.
Dear Suzi, thought this might come in handy. Would have given it to you sooner, but couldn't find it in electric blue anywhere. Love, Dad.
Opening the packet, she pulled out a very spiffy lightsaber, which totally outdid Thrawn's spatula.
"Cool." They headed back to the Smoking Wreck and set course for Spiffiraan.
"Ah. Finally I can go rescue Mara." Thrawn went back to drooling over the hologram while everyone else crowded around Quarrel and the scrolls.
"Ooh. Well this is interesting. It's an alternate origination of Robe, Cloak and Hood Day. Apparently the Itonians gorged themselves with so much chocolate and other holiday foods they began to bust out of their clothes. Being the decent people they were, they went to a nearby Robe, Cloak and Hood shop and purchased the spiffiest cloaks they could find. It became a tradition to wear the cloaks on the holiday each year so they could stuff themselves as much as they wanted." She rummaged through some of the other scrolls. "Well what do you know. Obi-wan really did say 'Hogfish for a joyous holiday, eh, squash?' Some of these need translating. Mind if I tag along for a little while?"
"Not at all. We're just bashing around having some fun, destroying maths, eating chocolate. Same old, same old."