"I was running away." he repeated. "Don't ask me from what. I'm not sure. I only knew that, on edorra, there was peace, and unconditional love, and no war, and no Maybourne, and no...nothing I couldn't cope with. And I was sorry to leave, and come home.
But I'm glad I did. Ask me why.".
"Why?" I said, as he moved into the room, in front of me.
"Because on Edorra, I was half-dead. Everything I ran away from, were the very things that kept me alive. And, as I walked away from Laira, to you, I realised something.
On Edorra, no-one laughed at my jokes. Not even me. In fact, I don't think I laughed once while I was there.".
He moved closer, so close we were almost touching. I made the mistake of looking up, straight into his eyes, and I was caught.
"Paradise is nothing without someone who laughs at your jokes." he said, half-seriously.
I didn't dare reply. I didn't dare move. I had the feeling something...I don't know what...was happening, and I was powerless to stop it now. He reached forward, and touched my hand lightly, as it lay on the desk top.
"I am grateful. I've never been a great one to say thank you. But I'm more grateful than I can say.".
I tried to pull my hand away, suddenly afraid of the feelings his touch produced in me, but he held on to it.
"I have to tell you something." he said, not looking at me any more, but at my hand, which he stroked absently, as if he was just another thing for him to fiddle with. "It's classified, and I can't tell you much...".
"Then you shouldn't tell me at all." I insisted.
"I want you to know..I want you to know....I don't know how to say it. I just want...I want you never to stop believing in me. I know I let you down this time, but I'll never do it again. I want you to trust me, whatever happens.".
And with that he left.
Of course, I know what all that was about now. And, although I'm hurt that he felt he couldn't trust me, in a way, I know he was protecting me. I know I'm not the best of liars,and if I'd given anything away while under Makepeace's command, I'd have been in danger.
He came to see me, later.
"I supposed I deserved that thing about the straws, and the loser." he said, grinning sheepishly as he leaned against the doorframe. I grinned back.
"Oh yeah." I said. "So..." I fudged, looking for an easy way to bring up the question I wanted to ask, "while you were in Edorra, did you...".
"See Laira? No. Never go back, that's what I say." he said, still flippant, as he moved into the room. Then his face turned serious as he looked at me.
"You don't look well, Sam." he said, softly.
"Yeah, well, its been a rough few months.".
"And its all my fault, isn't it? Come here." and he pulled me towards him, and hugged me. It wasn't sexual, but it was comforting, and warm, and it felt like home. "I'm sorry I've given you a bad time. And, if its any consolation, Daniel and Janet and Teal'c had already given me a good telling-off about it.".
"Teal'c did?".
"Well, he raised an eyebrow.".
"Just one?".
"It was his sarcastic one.".
"Oh." I said, pulling away, even as I laughed. It wouldn't do to get too cosy in my commanding officer's arms.
"Sam, what I said in the corridor, about....".
"About not acting like yourself since you met me? Forget it Sir, I know you were acting up for Teal'c." I said quickly, careful to avoid thinking of that stinging, cruel remark.
"No, no I meant it." he said , but he must have seen my expression, because he added quickly, "Not like that! For cryin' out loud, Carter, don't you know me better than that by now? I meant...I meant before I met you, I was a bastard, just like I was behaving. But since I met you...I've become an okay person. I think. I have a conscience. Most of the time. And I try to do the right thing...am I making any sense at all here, Sam?".
I nodded, close to tears again, but this time for a different reason.
"Yes Sir." I managed to say.
"Good." he said, in that slightly confused way he has when he thinks he done something good, but he's not quite sure what. He turned to go, but then turned again.
"It's good to see you smile at me again, Sam.".
"It's good to have a reason to smile again, Sir.".
He looked at me, for a very long second, then one hand moved forward, almost involuntarily, and touched me lightly, on the cheek. He smiled slowly, a rare genuine smile.
"I can't believe I almost lost you." he murmured, so quietly that I almost thought I'd imagined it. Then he shook himself, as if suddenly aware of what he was he doing.
"Get some sleep Sam. God knows you deserve it. And no offence, but you look terrible. And yes, I know that's my fault. Just...do whatever you have to do to get better.".
"Yes, Sir." I whispered, as he left.
So okay, things aren't back to being what they were. But there's hope again. And dreams of the future, a future with him, again. And that's gotta be good, right?
THE END
But I'm glad I did. Ask me why.".
"Why?" I said, as he moved into the room, in front of me.
"Because on Edorra, I was half-dead. Everything I ran away from, were the very things that kept me alive. And, as I walked away from Laira, to you, I realised something.
On Edorra, no-one laughed at my jokes. Not even me. In fact, I don't think I laughed once while I was there.".
He moved closer, so close we were almost touching. I made the mistake of looking up, straight into his eyes, and I was caught.
"Paradise is nothing without someone who laughs at your jokes." he said, half-seriously.
I didn't dare reply. I didn't dare move. I had the feeling something...I don't know what...was happening, and I was powerless to stop it now. He reached forward, and touched my hand lightly, as it lay on the desk top.
"I am grateful. I've never been a great one to say thank you. But I'm more grateful than I can say.".
I tried to pull my hand away, suddenly afraid of the feelings his touch produced in me, but he held on to it.
"I have to tell you something." he said, not looking at me any more, but at my hand, which he stroked absently, as if he was just another thing for him to fiddle with. "It's classified, and I can't tell you much...".
"Then you shouldn't tell me at all." I insisted.
"I want you to know..I want you to know....I don't know how to say it. I just want...I want you never to stop believing in me. I know I let you down this time, but I'll never do it again. I want you to trust me, whatever happens.".
And with that he left.
Of course, I know what all that was about now. And, although I'm hurt that he felt he couldn't trust me, in a way, I know he was protecting me. I know I'm not the best of liars,and if I'd given anything away while under Makepeace's command, I'd have been in danger.
He came to see me, later.
"I supposed I deserved that thing about the straws, and the loser." he said, grinning sheepishly as he leaned against the doorframe. I grinned back.
"Oh yeah." I said. "So..." I fudged, looking for an easy way to bring up the question I wanted to ask, "while you were in Edorra, did you...".
"See Laira? No. Never go back, that's what I say." he said, still flippant, as he moved into the room. Then his face turned serious as he looked at me.
"You don't look well, Sam." he said, softly.
"Yeah, well, its been a rough few months.".
"And its all my fault, isn't it? Come here." and he pulled me towards him, and hugged me. It wasn't sexual, but it was comforting, and warm, and it felt like home. "I'm sorry I've given you a bad time. And, if its any consolation, Daniel and Janet and Teal'c had already given me a good telling-off about it.".
"Teal'c did?".
"Well, he raised an eyebrow.".
"Just one?".
"It was his sarcastic one.".
"Oh." I said, pulling away, even as I laughed. It wouldn't do to get too cosy in my commanding officer's arms.
"Sam, what I said in the corridor, about....".
"About not acting like yourself since you met me? Forget it Sir, I know you were acting up for Teal'c." I said quickly, careful to avoid thinking of that stinging, cruel remark.
"No, no I meant it." he said , but he must have seen my expression, because he added quickly, "Not like that! For cryin' out loud, Carter, don't you know me better than that by now? I meant...I meant before I met you, I was a bastard, just like I was behaving. But since I met you...I've become an okay person. I think. I have a conscience. Most of the time. And I try to do the right thing...am I making any sense at all here, Sam?".
I nodded, close to tears again, but this time for a different reason.
"Yes Sir." I managed to say.
"Good." he said, in that slightly confused way he has when he thinks he done something good, but he's not quite sure what. He turned to go, but then turned again.
"It's good to see you smile at me again, Sam.".
"It's good to have a reason to smile again, Sir.".
He looked at me, for a very long second, then one hand moved forward, almost involuntarily, and touched me lightly, on the cheek. He smiled slowly, a rare genuine smile.
"I can't believe I almost lost you." he murmured, so quietly that I almost thought I'd imagined it. Then he shook himself, as if suddenly aware of what he was he doing.
"Get some sleep Sam. God knows you deserve it. And no offence, but you look terrible. And yes, I know that's my fault. Just...do whatever you have to do to get better.".
"Yes, Sir." I whispered, as he left.
So okay, things aren't back to being what they were. But there's hope again. And dreams of the future, a future with him, again. And that's gotta be good, right?
THE END