Track Four: The Last Song
Some of the spirits have been expressing some concerns to me, Watcher. There's a lost soul by the name of Kojiro. They say they can't get through to him. It's been nearly three weeks. What do you suspect?
Sir, I believe it has something to do with the young woman, Musashi. The two of them have been... unusually close, as of late.
Musashi? Yes, I remember her.
You've met her?
Oh, yes. She stumbled upon the Rift by accident. She and Kojiro both wanted to be together again. So, I facilitated that.
You did what?! Sir, you can't just... if they'd known what you were going to do, they never would have...
What right do you have to scold me? It was only what they asked for. Even I can't bring a person back from the dead. This was the best I could do.
Yes, Sir. I apologize. I just... never mind. It's not my place. What do you propose we do?
"We"? Nothing. Kojiro will never pass through the Gates unless someone gets through to him, and Musashi seems to be the only person who can reach him.
Unless he figures it out for himself.
A chilling thought. Which is exactly why you must talk to Musashi, and soon. It's been too long - much too long for comfort.
Me, Sir? Do you really think it's necessary that I blow my cover? Granted, she knows me well enough that I might be able to convince her, but... it just seems like I should be the last resort.
Hm. You have a point. Well, then, why not Rita Johnson? She's straightforward and she knows Kojiro fairly well. A bit tactless, but that may be what we need. If that doesn't work...
Understood. I won't let you down, Sir.
See that you don't. Oh, here comes another cluster of souls to the Gates. My job is never done. Farewell, then.
Until next time...
xxx
They didn't need a new name for their relationship, they decided. They had never really had a name for it in the first place. Partners, friends, a family, a couple - they were all those things and none of them, and that suited them just fine. The love between them wasn't new; only the shape of it had changed. Why try to stuff that into a box when they could let it grow into whatever form suited it best?
And so they moved forward together, keen to the fluttery hum between them but approaching it with their usual easygoing affection, the same and yet changed. Musashi had thought she'd known everything about Kojiro until he was bringing her flowers, linking hands over the dinner table, running gentle fingers through her hair. An earnest romantic with little interest in sex, they never went past kisses and maybe never would, but Musashi found she didn't mind. It was part of who they were, another thread in the stitching between them.
She almost forgot that it was destined to fray apart.
A little over a week after that first hurried kiss, the young couple came home from another late-night movie, still laughing at their favorite parts and quoting lines to each other. Hand in hand and deep in conversation, they didn't see the other specter until they were practically on top of her.
"Kojiro, there you are, dear!" They were interrupted by a tall, thin woman, with long brown hair and a stubborn jaw. "That impossible cat of ours has gotten lost again. Do you think you could...?"
"Oh, no problem, Rita," Kojiro agreed. Pulling somewhat reluctantly out of Musashi's hold, he disappeared out the back door.
As soon as the ex-Rocket was gone, Rita fixed Musashi with a piercing glare. "Why are you doing this?"
"Excuse me?"
"Nursing this idea of Kojiro's that he's still alive! He'll never be able to pass on like this, you know!"
Musashi took a step back, surprised by the harshness in the delicate woman's voice. "Th-that's your job, not mine. It's not my fault if you aren't doing it right."
"Doing it right?" It looked like Rita might hit her, but she stopped at the last moment. "We can't do anything as long as Kojiro's spending time with you! Every time I try to bring up how no one in town seems to notice him, he always says 'Musashi notices me, so it's fine.' As long as you keep seeing him, he's never going to listen to me!"
Musashi bristled. "Well, I'm not going to stop seeing him, so what do you expect me to do?"
"I expect you to tell him the truth. You're obviously the only person who can get through to the poor boy. He came back here for you, you know. He said 'As long as I can be with Musashi, I'll be happy.' Now look where it's gotten him!"
"So what's the problem?" she challenged. "He's happy, and so am I. Why try to change that?"
"You can't hide it from him forever. Sooner or later Kojiro's going to want to buy something on his own and no one will even glance at him. What happens if he gets in a crowded area somewhere? People could go right through him. He'll find out what he is eventually."
"So?"
"So," Rita spat, "do you know what happens to people who figure it out for themselves? Can you imagine the shock of suddenly realizing that you're dead? I've seen spirits go mad, shun the Gates, even disappear altogether. That means your friend stops existing anywhere. Do you want to see that happen to him? Well?"
Musashi felt tears spring to her eyes at the thought. She shook her head to clear them. "I'm not trying to stop you," she said at last. "But I can't tell him. I've tried, and I just can't do it. I can't hurt him like that."
Rita snorted. "Please. This isn't about what he'd want. You just can't stand the thought of losing him again."
"Th-that's not it," Musashi insisted weakly. "I mean, of course I don't want him to leave, but I..." She couldn't bring herself to say "love" in front of this stranger. "I really care about him, okay? I want to do what's best for him."
"If you care about him as much as I think you do," Rita hissed, "then you'll tell him the truth. I've seen too many broken lost souls in my time. Kojiro's a sweet kid. Don't you think he deserves to be happy?"
Musashi felt the building ball of frustration and heat in her chest finally burst out of her throat. "And what about my happiness, huh? Once Kojiro's gone, that's it for him, he gets paradise! And what do I get? Tell me that!"
"You selfish little...!" Rita snarled, grabbing Musashi by the collar. "My boss is damned unhappy with the situation, and I'm getting sick of your attitude! Now you listen to me: Kojiro may not be the sharpest soul I've ever met, but he's not stupid, either. He's starting to figure it out. He came home the other day and said to me, 'Rita, do you ever feel like you're invisible?' and even though he talked happily about his time with you, I could tell it was really, finally beginning to weigh on him. Do you really want to risk him like this? To see him become one of those?"
Musashi's eyes dropped to the floor. "No. No, that's the last thing I want."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"I... I guess I'll have to..."
"What the hell is going on here?!"
Rita and Musashi both looked up to see Kojiro, furious, standing at the back door with the tabby Meowth in his arms. Rita released Musashi in a hurry. "I was only—"
"Yeah, I saw what you were only doing," Kojiro snapped, striding across the floor and shoving the Nyasu none-too-lightly into Rita's hands. "I could tell you didn't like her, but now you're trying to threaten her, too?" He pressed a confident hand to Musashi's shoulder. "Musashi's tough, you know! You can't scare her away like you did all those other tenants!"
As upset as she was, Musashi couldn't help but snort out a laugh. It was just like Kojiro to be so wrong and so sweet at the same time. "Honestly, it's nothing. We just had a, uh, disagreement, is all. You know how I love a good fight."
"Really? But you looked so... I just thought..."
"You don't need to worry about me." Musashi flexed an arm, feigning confidence. "Like you said, I'm tough."
He smiled softly. "Well, that is true." Kojiro shot a glare back at Rita. His voice was frigid. "I'll be upstairs in a minute. We can talk about this more then."
Rita rolled her eyes. "I can't wait." Her attention went past him to Musashi. "Do it. Soon."
Musashi knew she couldn't argue anymore. She nodded miserably, dreading what she was going to tell her friend before the week was out.
Once Rita had gone, Kojiro sighed. "I'm grateful to her, I really am, but if she's going to be so obstinate about this then maybe I need to move out sooner rather than la - Musashi?"
At the words "move out," the tears Musashi had been fighting all evening very nearly spilled over. Judging by the horrified look on Kojiro's face, he must have seen them too. She fought to blink them back. "I'm fine," she told him.
It was so unconvincing that he looked like he might cry instead. "Um, um, I think I have a handkerchief... Rita can be so tactless sometimes, I can't believe she even got to you... You're so strong, I thought if you two ever met you'd be the only person who could stand up to her, but maybe you're just tired from all these late nights, or, uh... Anyway, here..."
Musashi stared at the handkerchief he presented to her, then past it and into his worried eyes. He cared so much for her. All he wanted was for her to be happy. She had to do the same thing for him.
She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the tears to disappear. She had to be strong. "No, really, Kojiro, it's fine. It's not Rita. It's just... look, like you said. I'm really tired. Do you mind if we call it a night?"
"Oh." The handkerchief dropped back to his side. "Okay. I'll, uh, see you tomorrow, then?"
"Sure. G'night, Kojiro."
xxx
Saturday, Musashi decided. She would tell him everything on Saturday.
It gave her time to take the day off from work - Alana didn't ask questions, which surprised her given the short-notice - and to schedule her first daytime rendezvous with Kojiro. "I want us to have an entire day together for once, instead of just a few hours," she'd told him, and thanked her acting skills that she managed to make it sound fun instead of miserable. Her week was already ruined; there was no reason to do the same to his.
And yet, in spite of a stomach aching with dread, she couldn't help but smile when he met her in the lobby with a bouquet of multi-colored roses and all but sang: "Happy First Daytime Date, Musashi!"
It was utterly unfair that he could brighten her mood that easily, she thought as she took the roses in exchange for a light kiss on the cheek. "You're something else, you know that? I should put these back in my room..." She thought of Nyasu, lounging about on his day off. "No, wait. I'll get a vase and put them in the lobby."
After she'd taken care of the flowers, Musashi grabbed her friend's hand and dragged him outside. "I know the perfect place. I found it when I first came to town. I think you'll really like it."
Laughing and demanding a hint, Kojiro followed her down the backstreets and between several buildings. "We're taking a funny way to get there. Wouldn't the main street be quicker?"
She frowned, once again reminded of how fragile these past few weeks had been. She fought to keep her voice cheerful. "I just felt like a change in scenery."
As they crested a hill on the edge of town, she drew to a sudden halt, spreading her arms to show off the view. Kojiro followed the gesture to a gently sloping hill leading down to the road far below. The little hillock was covered in soft spring grass and mountain flowers, and a large pine tree draped the area in dappled shadows. Musashi chose a spot in the sunlight, lying down and bidding Kojiro do the same. He followed her, slipping his hand into hers as he did.
"You like it?" she asked.
He smiled. "Mm. You don't see the sky this blue very often."
She followed his gaze upwards. The sky was indeed a brilliant blue, with only a few tufts of clouds jogging through the breeze. A Pijotto circled lazily, then dipped into a nearby sycamore. The scene took her back to the last day she'd been out in the sun with Kojiro - and the last time she'd had to say goodbye to him, too.
"It really is a beautiful day," he said.
Musashi pressed her lips together. Swallowed hard. Took a deep, steadying breath.
"I remember the last time you said that to me," she said quietly. "I'll never forget it. Do you remember it too, Kocchan? It was on a day just like this. The day that you..."
She choked on it. How could she say it? How the hell did any of them expect her to say it?!
"When I...?" Kojiro repeated. Watching her. Trusting her. Relying on her to save him, even if he didn't know it yet.
Oh right, she thought. They expect me to say it because I love him.
Musashi wasn't as strong as everyone thought she was. She had to turn away to do it. But she did it, in a voice just above a whisper, a voice she had to force out through a chest so tight it was sure to split right open: "It was the last thing you said to me... on the day that you died."
She still couldn't look at him, but she heard him push himself up off the grass, one hand on her her elbow. "When I died? What are you—? I'm not—"
"Don't you remember, Kojiro?" she interrupted, already feeling her voice wavering. She fought to keep herself calm, at least until she could finish this. She owed him that much, at least. "We got into that stupid fight. I dozed off, and when I woke up Nyasu said you'd left. I knew you were still mad at me, so I went after you. I was hoping to catch you before you got to town."
"Musashi..."
His voice wavered. He was frightened. Remembering. She bit back another sob – she couldn't cry, especially not now. She had to be the strong one.
"But you never made it," she said. "There was an accident. You were in awful shape, and you told me that you weren't - that you were going to..."
"...I was in so much pain," Kojiro murmured, picking up when her voice failed. "And I was so scared. You were scared, too, but you promised you'd be strong." He lowered his voice into a puzzled whisper. "You held my hand. It made me feel a little braver, knowing you were there. And then things got quieter and quieter, and..."
"And you died," Musashi finished.
"And I died," he repeated in a daze. "Why did I forget that until just now?"
Musashi finally sat up, turning to face him. Kojiro was slumped beside her, staring unseeingly down the hillside. She wanted to touch him but didn't feel like she had the right. So instead she asked, as gently as she knew how, "Do you know what happened after that?"
"I went to this... nowhere-place... It was so dark, and so empty, and I missed you and Nyasu so much. The Keeper of this, this Rift, came to me, and asked me what would make me happy. But all I wanted was to be with you. He said he could do that for me, and then he left, and..." Kojiro pressed a hand to his mouth. "Wait, but then how am I...? I'm not seriously a ghost, am I?"
Musashi nodded. "The Johnsons are, too. As far as I know, I'm the only living person who can see you. I went to the Rift, too, and asked to have you back. The Keeper gave us what we wanted, only..."
"Why did you try to hide it?" Kojiro demanded suddenly, their eyes meeting at last. "We've been doing this for weeks. Why did you wait so long to tell me?"
"I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt..." She shook her head hard. That was a lie, and she knew it as well as Rita had. Kojiro deserved the whole truth, even if he hated her for it. "I didn't want you to leave me. I'd heard that when a lost soul found out they were dead, they passed on. Went back to that Rift, and on past the Gates. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you again.
"Rita helped me get my priorities straight, though," she went on, calmer now, finding her balance again. "Someone had to tell you, 'cause if you found out for yourself… well, you just couldn't, is all. I thought I was protecting you, but all along I was just screwing things up even more."
Musashi half-wanted Kojiro to push her away and tell her how angry he was, half-wanted him to hug her and say it wasn't her fault at all. He did neither, but instead asked, again in that dreamlike tone, "So what happens now?"
"I don't know," she said. "I'm guessing that once you go back up the elevator... well, that's it. You'll probably head to the Rift."
He shivered. "That place? I'd sooner stay here."
"But from there you can go on to the Gates," Musashi said. "You'll be a lot happier once you get there. You do want to go, right?"
"No! Well, yes! I mean..." He caught one of her hands in his, watching her, searching so hard for a simple answer to this painfully complicated question. "Can't I just stay here with you? Who says I have to go back to the fourth floor? Maybe I... I could... um..."
He trailed off, sinking back on his heels into the grass.
"Oh," he gasped.
Musashi sat up with a start. "What? Are you okay? Koji, you look sick. Pale. Almost…"
He shook his head. "I don't know. Only... only I haven't felt tired since I came to Silver Falls and all of a sudden I just... it's like weeks' worth of exhaustion hit me all at once. Like just sitting here is taking everything I have."
He stared down at his hand, swallowing hard. Musashi followed his gaze and nearly cried out when she saw his fingers flicker translucent.
"Oh, hell," he moaned. "That's not supposed to happen."
She gripped his hand as the flickering fingers solidified again, though she could tell by the crease in his forehead that he had to concentrate to do it. "So that's it, then," she said. "Now that you remember, you have to go back. You'll just exhaust yourself and fade away if you stay here."
"I could still try. If you want me to, then—"
"Of course I want you to stay!" she cried hotly. "Don't ever think I wouldn't! But not if you're going to have to fight tooth and nail just to stay in one piece. Besides," she added, setting her tired head against his shoulder, "you know as well as I do that we can't keep this up. The more time we spend together, the more I..."
"I know. Me too."
He looped his arms around her shoulders and squeezed her hard. She wrapped hers around his waist and did the same. They sat in silence for a long moment, her cheek against his collarbone, his against the top of her head. Seeking comfort in the familiar feel of the other. Unsure if they were trying to comfort each other or themselves.
"So now what?" Kojiro said at last. "Am I just supposed to say goodbye?"
"We still have the rest of the day, if you think you're up for it," Musashi said. "Is there anything you want to do?"
"You think… you think maybe we can just stay here? It's so beautiful - peaceful - no one's going to bother us. For dinner, we - well, you - could go get some take-out, maybe? If it isn't too much trouble."
At that moment, fetching an entire buffet wouldn't have been too much trouble. "Not at all. I want to enjoy this, and I want you to enjoy it too. It's the last few hours..."
"I know," he said. "Don't think about it. Let's just try to be happy for a little while."
She lay back down with Kojiro tucked next to her. He was right. She couldn't think about what would happen later. Not yet, anyway. She laced her fingers through his and made herself smile, closing her eyes against the brilliant blue. "It really is a beautiful day, isn't it?"
xxx
Their last afternoon passed all too quickly. When they spoke it was of memories, adventures in the bike gang and exploits in Team Rocket, favorite Pokemon battles and part-time jobs, flashiest costumes and best meals in best cities. A few times Kojiro tried to steer things to the future, to Musashi's strained friendship with Nyasu or her half-lived life in Silver Falls, but Musashi wasn't ready for a world without him, so she never let them stay there long.
Mostly they didn't talk, though. Mostly, they just held each other.
But they couldn't stop the sun from setting, and soon Musashi was at the elevator doors again and fighting an overpowering desire to dismantle every button in the thing. This was it. There was no going back. Kojiro knew what he was, and what he had to do. He'd be happier in the end, she knew. As for her...
"Twice!" she snarled. "Once was bad enough, but now I'm losing you again! And all because of that stupid Rift." Musashi clenched her fists, pulling away from the arm Kojiro tried to slip around her waist. "How is this time even worse? Why did we have to... why did I have to...?"
"I know how you feel. I don't want to lose you, either."
"It's different for you," she snapped. "You get eternity! Paradise, Kojiro! How could you be sad about that? But what do I get? Just one more loss to a list that's already kilometers long!"
"You know that isn't true," Kojiro said. He gripped her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "I don't care what's through those Gates, it won't mean anything without you and Nyasu there." He tried a small smile. "But I'll see you again, right? Eventually?"
"I'm barely in my twenties, Koji. It's an awfully long time." Tears leapt into her eyes for more than the first time that day. "Dammit, I can't stand this!"
"Please don't cry. This is going to be hard for both of us, but you have to get through it. You've got to be strong, Musa."
Musashi smashed a fist into his chest. "That's what I've been telling myself since you died! 'Be strong, Musashi, you promised Kojiro.' 'Don't cry, you have to be strong.'" Her fist thumped into him again, though weaker this time, as if it was taking everything she had just to keep her fingers tensed. "Well I'm sick of being strong! I'm sick of being so damned tough all the time!"
"What do you want to be, then?" he asked.
"I just... I just..." Musashi finally gave up and burst into tears. "I don't know, but I don't want to be it without you around!"
Her ragged cries shattered the quiet of the lobby. After a horrified moment of hesitation, Kojiro let instinct take over and pulled her into his arms. "I'm so sorry," he murmured, one hand rubbing at her shaking back while the other stroked nervously through her hair. "I wish I could keep this from happening, but I can't."
She only sobbed harder.
The sharp overflow of grief seemed to dig into Kojiro's last reserves of strength. He felt his hands weaken against Musashi's back, almost as if they were going to slide straight through her. The feeling sent a wave of terror up his back, which only served to make his fatigue worse. He pulled away with an effort, grabbing her hands with his own fading ones.
She stared at them, through them, fear shining through her tears. "No," she hissed. "Not yet." His fingers briefly passed through hers, but he tightened his concentration and they grabbed on to each other again. "Please not yet, Kojiro."
"I can't control it. I want to stay so badly, but I..." Another wave of exhaustion washed over him, this one so strong that it took everything he had not to collapse. "I'm so tired. I have to go."
She looked up, tears still running freely down her cheeks. "Th-this is it, then?"
He nodded, forcing a tired smile. "Don't cry. We'll meet again, right?"
The words rang familiar in Musashi's head, lyrics she couldn't seem to escape. She sniffled, staring at the floor again. "But not being able to see you is something that only I know about," she whispered, completing the line.
"Goodbye," he murmured, leaning down and touching his lips to hers in one final farewell.
They were so cold, she thought, even as she kissed him back. So, so much colder than the other times. It was that thought more than anything that allowed her to finally let him go.
"I love you," he said, and couldn't stop his own tears from falling. "I'm sorry I didn't say that sooner."
The elevator doors opened behind them. He at last released his hold on her hand, retreating into the elevator, his eyes never leaving hers. One last, sad smile told of their farewell, then the doors slid shut, and all was silence.
"Musashi?"
Too gutted to be surprised, she turned at the familiar voice. Nyasu stood behind her, staring open-mouthed at the elevator doors. "Was that - I could have sworn - but it couldn't have been…" He looked to her, eyes widening at the sight of her tear-stained face. "W-what happened? Is everything...?"
She shook her head. "Kojiro's gone. Again. Everything's awful, Nyasu."
He looked back at the elevator. "Then I – it wasn't a – but how could—?"
Nyasu wasn't sure whether he was worried or relieved to see Musashi still crying freely, not even trying to hold back. She started for the stairs. "I'll tell you everything later. Right now I just need to go to bed. I feel like I could sleep for a lifetime."
xxx
I'd know this darkness anywhere... I must be in the Rift again. Oh, this is awful. This isn't how I wanted it to end at all! I only wanted to keep Musashi from getting hurt... She was crying so hard, like she'd never stop. I was so tired, I didn't even think about what I could have done to help her. I should have stayed, just for a few more minutes, if only to dry her eyes and walk her to her room. But I couldn't even do that right. Musashi, I'm so sorry!
You're crying again.
Leave me alone! You've messed things all up – I've messed things all up! Oh, Musashi, if I could only go back ten minutes, it'd be enough!
Explain, please. Why are you crying now? And why are you back? Did you not want to stay with her? Is that not what she wanted as well?
Shut up! You know damn well I couldn't have stayed! It took everything I had just to keep from disappearing... And even if I had stayed, it would've only hurt Musashi more. Damn it, she loved me! Don't you understand that? But she can't be with a ghost. Why did you do it this way?
You said you wanted to be with her. She felt the same way. I cannot alter time, nor bring the dead back to life. I did what I could. It was your choice to leave.
My choice?! If you'd told me what you were going to do…!
Were you not with her?
Yes! I mean, no! I mean, I was, but... not in the right way! When I said I wanted to be with Musashi, I meant... well, I didn't mean like this. You say your job is to make people happy, but all you did was make the both of us even more miserable! So just leave me alone. Go torment somebody else!
Impossible. I cannot leave you here. No one may remain in the Rift. The Gates are that way – you are welcome to enter.
Piss off! I'm staying right here and waiting for Musashi!
A very long wait. Sixty years and then some, if there are no accidents. That can seem like a painful eternity in this place.
I don't care! I'm not moving! I'm not going anywhere without her!
You remain firm on this decision? That is what you wish?
Yes! I'm waiting on Musashi, and that's final!
...Wait. What are you doing?
If that is what you want, then that is what you shall have. Musashi will join you at the Gates soon. In the meantime, you will have to return to Earth. I cannot have lost souls wandering around the Rift, you see.
Huh? Wait! What do you mean by "soon"? How can Musashi... No, you can't mean that. Come back here! Damn it, COME BACK! You know I didn't mean it like that!
Oh, hell, here's that hazy feeling again... I must be going back... Maybe I can save her before... Damn that Keeper! If I ever see him again, I'll... Musashi, hang on, please...!