Here and Gone Again

By: Frodo Baggins

(Aka: More good reasons why Jessica Yourdon didn't write Lord of the Rings.)

My uncle has given me the lovely task of finishing his book. Let me introduce myself first off. I'm Frodo son of Drogo, son of Fosco, son of Largo, son of Balbo, Baggins. And if you ever see me on the street, I hope you remember to call me just that.

My Uncle has left me his Ring, which he told me that I could not have, but Gandalf made him give it to me. I didn't really want it. After all, gold just isn't my color. It totally clashes with my eyes, you know. But, Gandalf who is a very talented house painter as I have heard put some lovely silver paint on it. Not only is it easier on my eyes, but also it goes easier with my eyes. The only problem is lately, more and more of the paint is chipping off. It is my personal opinion that Gandalf used nail polish instead of paint.

I'm wondering if my gardener would know where to get paint, as Gandalf has just seemed to disappear. The kids at school are always comparing gardeners. They're always like, "Mine's better than yours." or," Mine does all my chores for me." Or, "Mine has a better name than yours." So, I always say, "I have more money than you." Then, they all shut up. It works every time. Honestly! The reason I even have a gardener is because Bilbo always made sure I was the kid with all the friends in school. Anyone who is anyone these days has a gardener. Bilbo would say that it was "all the rage." I would just say that it is groovy. "All the rage," is more outdated than Elrond.

I just noticed that Bilbo never mentioned Elrond. I've never met him myself, but I understand that he is very old. So old in fact that there is no one left alive who remembers when he was born.

I have decided that Bilbo did not give an accurate account of the people he mentioned previously. Bilbo isn't just Mad Old Baggins. He is also Queer (meaning odd.) Baggins.

Sam doesn't just plant things in my garden that makes people laugh. There are things that make you sad, happy, mad, and stupid. Probably all at the same time if you know what to look for.

I do know what Pippin took. He took my sock monkey Ringo. He asked to borrow it when he was 5, he's 28 now and I still haven't gotten it back. I know where he lives and I have a pair of scissors! I bet Henry is scared now! I am The Good Son*!

Anyway, I thought I had just saw a dolphin. If I had a dolphin I would name him Flipper* and we would be best friends!

Merry does make as well as drink beer, but he has lately been watching his weight so he likes Diet Beer and water on the rocks now. One time Merry fell through my roof, he used to be really fat. Talk about a Deep Impact*.

I have never met Gollum myself. Although I heard that he is bad news. My uncle was The Witness* to that. He has this weird kind of Ring fetish going on. I heard that he would wear 23 and a half on his fingers and toes.

I do agree that the Precious is rather pretty. But, I like it silver better. Sam has found some paint for me and he is taking care of it. And do you know how many different kinds of silver paint there was? Try Seventeen*. I chose my favorite: Silver.

Yesterday was my 33rd and my Uncles 111th birthday. I always wondered how he managed to look Forever Young*. I mean he doesn't look a day past 110.

The Sacksville-Baggins are more like a Chain of Fools* than anything else. I mean I had no idea they tried to steal Bag End with a vehicle that doesn't exist. That's worse than the fact that I just never seem to blink. They keep stealing things from me, like pencil shavings, loose ends of string, and gum wrappers. They should stay away from my Internal Affairs*.

I don't know much more about Gandalf than Bilbo does, but I do know that he had nothing to do with The War* with Sauron. He's never around when you really need him. I know that much for sure.

I once read Bilbo's diary. Not to be mean. It was just because I had read everything else in the house. Well, except for the Lord of the Rings*. I started reading it yesterday and frankly, I just don't get it.

Well, Gandalf is back. He wants me to take the Ring to Debris, I think he said. He just yanked Sam in through my window. I didn't know that Sam was dropping eaves. I just wonder where he got them. Everyone knows that Bag End doesn't have any eaves.

Gandalf told Sam to come with me. I just wonder what Sam will be able to garden.

I'm sure that it will be fun to head out into The Ice Storm*. Well, I must get Back to the Future, part 2*. Fare thee well and fare thee better. When you get married, write me a letter.

*= a movie in which Elijah Wood happened to be in.