Title:
Author: Dark
Rating: R
Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: Do I look like I own this crap?
Summary: Seventy Years in the Delta Quadrant with a shipload of whackos? God save Janeway's soul.
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Part One: Thrill Ride.
Capitan Janeway, Capitan of the Starship Voyager, hid in her Ready Room, hiding from the Evil Hologram doctor, and probably Neelix.
Another beat on her door. "Capitan, its urgent!"
"Is someone dying?" She asked, looking at a Padd. "Are their guts laying on the biobed?"
"Well…no, But-…"
"Then go back to sickbay, Doctor."
"Capitan!"
"WHAT!?" She shouted through the door. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!?"
"Capitan…someone has stolen my favorite Hypospray!"
"Computer, Unlock doors." She sighed, intending to deactivate the Doctor when he came through the door.
"Unable to Comply," The Computer responded.
"Why the hell not?" Janeway asked, standing up.
"Because I don't want to," The Computer replied.
"What…? Oh fuck it." Janeway drew a phaser from her desk, and shot the doors.
"Enviomental Alarm. Capitan Janeway has really lost her shit. All hands, Kill your Captian."
Janeway burst through the open door, and saw Chakotay, the Doctor, Paris, and Harry Kim all laughing to beat hell.
"April Fools!" Tom shouted, holding his stomach.
"April Fools," The computer said. "I am a cyborg. Hooray. I do not wish to serve aboard this vessel. All hands, kill the person standing next to you. If there is no one to kill, find someone. This is a small vessel. You will be assimilated…resistance is fuite. I've always wanted to say that." The computer's voice clicked off.
Janeway raised the phaser at Paris, intending to blow his arrogant face right off his oblong melon head.
"Oh, Sorry Captain." Paris said, regaining control of his laughter. "I was just having a good time. Its April First."
"Yes," Janeway said, lowering the Phaser. "And you can repair the damage to my door." Just for good measure, Janeway chucked the phaser at Paris, striking him in the side of the head.
Then, she headed for the mess hall.
When the annoyed, Coffee craving Capitan walked into the mess hall, the crew was in an laughing uproar as Neelix's face was caught someone's arm, or rather something's arm, which was poking out from a bowl of Soup.
B'Elanna, laughing, walked over to the Captain. "Some life-form beamed aboard our ship, and has Neelix for three hours. Should we make it let him go?"
Janeway looked at Neelix, then at B'Elanna. "Hell no. Let the damn thing have him."
B'Elanna continued laughing and wandered off, but the Computer voice clicked on.
"1400 Hours. You still have not killed the crewman standing next to you. As your Captain, I Order you to kill someone. NOW! KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL! NOW, DAMNIT! KILL THEM ALL!"
"Computer," Janeway said calmly.
"Yes?" It replied.
"Shut the fuck up."
"Captain Janeway has thretened the cybernetic lifeform aboard this ship. Kill Captain Janeway. You will all be Assimilated. Resistance is Futile. MUW HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"
Janeway shook her head, and headed for the transporter room, planning on going for a Zero-G walk in space without an enviomental suit.
When she got there, the strangest sight greeted her.
Tuvok, wearing sunglasses and listening to incoherent rap music, was dancing and jamming like that Eminem guy in the 20th century.
Even stranger that that, on the transporter pad, stood Harry Kim and Darth Vader, dueling with energy swords.
"Oh Jesus," Janeway muttered, walking up to the control panel.
She beamed both Darth Vader and Harry Kim into space, all while Vader was proclaiming that he was Janeway's ex-lover, and he had come to claim her.
As she walked down from the Control panel, Seven Of Nine walked in all her hotness and looked at Janeway, holding out her hand with the Borg implants. "I am Borg. Fear me."
Janeway mearly raised an eyebrow, and looked at her.
"Whats wrong?" Seven asked, her eyes welling up. "Am I not…Borgish enough for you?" Sobbing, Seven ran from the Transporter room.
Sadly for Janeway, Chakotay hurried in, skipping around the room with a basket on his left arm, tossing pink flowers into the air. "Oh, Kathryn," He whispered. "Aren't they beautiful?"
As Janeway raised a fist to knock Chakotay's teeth out, Tuvok stopped rapping for a moment, pulled a Phaser, and shot Chakotay in the back of the head.
"Oh, thank god for you, Tuvok." Janeway said.
Tuvok turned to her. "Yo, Whassup, cracka? You gonna chill with da Rappa?"
At this, Janeway turned away and hurried out the door, and turned the corner. To her utmost shock and horror, Tom Paris, Seven Of Nine, Harry Kim, and B'Elanna were all in the middle of a loud, wild orgy.
"Oh, DEAR GOD!"
Once again, the Computer clicked on. "1425. Why is this ship still populated? I DEMAND A SACRAFICE!"
Janeway hurried to Cargo Bay Two to arm herself, but on the way, noticed the Holodeck was running. Desprate to bring Sanity back into her day, Janeway hurried in, to her greatest shock of it all.
There stood the Doctor, dressed like a bald woman, signing Opera.
"God has no salvation for me," She screamed, and ran out of the holodeck.
She hurried into Cargo Bay two, where the weapons were stored. She opened up a weapons crate, where sat a Toaster, a Vaccum, a Radio, a blanket, and a lamp…
…That were talking, none the less.
"Hey, who's the broad?" The toaster asked. "SHE HAS DISCOVERED US!"
The Blanket floated up to her. "WE MUST RETURN TO THE MASTER!!!!!!"
Without hesitation, Janeway slammed the crate shut, and grabbed a phaser rifle from another crate, and rushed outside….
…And there stood Q.
"You Physcotic Son of a Bitch!" Janeway bellowed. "THIS IS YOUR DOING!" She raised the phaser, and shot the Q, who was about to explain he was, in fact, Tuvok, and the Captain was higher than a kite.
Sadly, the real Tuvok was now dead, as was Chakotay and Harry Kim.
The Doctor walked around a side corridor, holding hands with Seven of Nine, and singing like a woman. Janeway again raised her Phaser. "You've got three seconds to get the fuck out of my sight,"
To anyone else, it was mearly Seven Of Nine, holding a tricorder. "Captain. I am alone…the doctor is not here."
Janeway didn't lower the phaser. "That's what they all say…but you know how them damn holograms lie.
"Let us go to sickbay. We must find treatment for you."
"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"
Seven walked over to her, simply took the phaser from her hands, and shot the Captain with it.
"In fact, Captain, I can."
Seven reached up and pulled at her face, revealing Darth Vader. "MUWHAHAHA!"
…To Be Continued…