Note: Sorry it took so long to get part two up. I'm working on about five different stories at once here. laughs Part three might take a little while longer cause I have to find a way to wrap it up, but I promise you it'll get there.
She was confused when she woke up. Always confused. She turned and looked at the clock then waited for the chime she had heard every morning for the past week. Just like every other morning she hurried to the door to make sure he didn't panic. She didn't need to cause him any more anxiety. He still looked worried every morning. As though sometimes he wasn't sure she'd be there. How was she to tell him that some mornings she wished she wasn't?
He was thankful that she had agreed to let him meet her every morning before her shift, since she wouldn't agree to taking time off. She wanted everyone to think that there was nothing wrong. That she had just been a little sick, nothing more. He hated lying to the rest of the crew. In his mind they had a right to know what was happening with their Captain. In her mind, well he wasn't entirely sure what was going on in her mind.
She didn't think about much anymore. Not that everything that had caused her problems was gone, more like they couldn't be found. Nothing could be found in her head. It wasn't like a fog where she simply couldn't find her way it was just empty. This was a little harder to hide. People would be asking her questions, and although she heard them fine, she didn't always know what to respond with, or how. She often said nothing as a reply.
He noticed her lack of conversation skills. He wasn't the only one. The senior staff had started to ask questions. He wasn't sure how much longer he was going to be able to ward off their questions. He had thought about talking to her. Seeing if he could break the new barrier that she had put up. But a thought was all it was. He didn't really have the energy to confront her. He hadn't gotten much sleep in the last few days.
He was starting to get nervous. She could see it in his eyes. He was the only one he could look in the eyes as strange as that may sound. Not that she didn't notice the rest of the crew's worrying. She wanted someone to talk to. She needed someone to talk to. The only thing is she didn't want to be around anyone, at least she didn't think so
He watched Kathryn get onto the turbo-lift after her shift. He was just finishing up things then was going to follow her. B'Elanna and Tom had come to him asking him to speak to her. The figured he would be the only one that she would talk to. He worried about it. He didn't like going to her room. Every time he did he feared he'd find her like that again. She did assure him it was an accident, but part of him wasn't sure. With her behaviour before and lately it made him question it and the nightmares had been enough to keep him away for now.
He showed up at her door about an hour after she had gotten there herself. She knew he was coming. Well at least she knew he'd be there sooner or later. He had never really talked to her about what happened, and although she was thankful to some degree, she also knew that it was coming
"Hi." He said quietly when he walked through the door. "Hi." She replied, leading him to the couch. She got him a cup of tea and herself a well-deserved cup of coffee. He started with meaningless chatter about the weekly crew evaluations and ship diagnostics. Then he started with what he wanted to talk about.
"How have you been." He asked quietly.
"I'm fine." she replied. She may have been lying but it's what he wanted to hear, or it may have been if he believed her.
"You don't have to cover up here. It's probably best you don't."
"No, really Chakotay I'm fine." She said taking a sip of my coffee, trying to act as natural as possible.
"The crew has been worried. I'm actually here on they're behalf, well partially. We never talked about what happened." He said putting his cut of tea on the table.
"There is nothing to talk about, I've already told you what happened."
"And there is nothing more?" He asked not convinced.
"No. Should there be?" She asked him looking in his eyes to try and convince him that she was telling the truth.
"You've been troubled. Don't say you haven't I can see it in your eyes. Even now when you're trying hard to convince me you're not." He accused not letting her interrupt him.
"Chakotay, if I thought it important for you to know, then you would know." She said snapping at him. She instantly regretted it but didn't apologize. He looked hurt. Maybe she should tell him something to get him off her back and to make him feel better. Or was that the wrong incentive?
He was surprised that she had been so harsh with him. He didn't think he had been pushing her that much, in fact he thought he was being rather lenient. This only made him more sure there was something eating at her, well more so then he had been before.
She really didn't like where this conversation was going. Or maybe she just didn't like where she wanted it to go. She knew that if he stayed and kept talking the way he was talking, she was going to end up spilling everything on to him. The only thing was she couldn't get her self to move to get away, or to tell him to leave.
"You spend so much time hiding, did you ever think that it would be better for you to come out and actually deal with things?" His words were harsh, but he didn't regret them. If she wanted to play tough then she picked the wrong opponent.
"Don't you dare! don't you dare tell me what to do, or how to handle thing!. I'm dealing with things in my own way." She shot back at him.
"Are you? Is that why you can't concentrate on anything your crew is telling you, or anything that is happening around you? Seems like you're real good at dealing with it to me, I'll just leave and we can pretend this conversation didn't happen." He said standing up. His voice was harsh but his eyes were not. She just sighed. There wasn't much else she could do. He was right, he was right with all of it.
"Sit down." She told him her voice staying strong. He did.
The conversation between the two of them lasted for hours, and when they were done she was utterly exhausted, but she didn't feel as alone. She didn't think she eased his worries though. Probably made them worse. He didn't want to leave her when she told him she was heading to bed. She promised him she'd be there when he came to get her in the morning.
He had gotten more than he had bargained for when she had finally opened up. Nothing was really solved, which he now realized was a ridiculous hope. How could you fix everything in one conversation? At least now he knew what went through her head everyday.
She felt a warm hand on her shoulder. It was Chakotay shaking her awake. She guessed she was a bit more tired than she thought. She never heard the alarm or the door chime. She hated that look in his eyes. She had done it again. Worried him more than she had meant to. It was the first time she understood his point of view.
He couldn't even describe the anxiety he felt when she didn't answer the door that morning. It was the same fear that woke him up at odd hours of the morning, and it was the same picture in his mind of her lieing there lifeless that he couldn't get out of his head as he typed in his override codes. He couldn't even find words when she simply woke up. He had been thankful for the talk they had the night before, maybe he didn't realize how draining it was. He did know that if this kept happening he was going to need a two-day sleep himself.
She didn't feel rested. She didn't feel much of anything this morning. She only knew that something was wrong because she didn't feel anything and she was so tired. Deciding not to go on duty that day was an easy decision. She wasn't fit for duty no matter how much she wanted to use her shift to get her mind off things. The real problem today was that her mind was so muddled, she wasn't even sure there were things to hide from. She also told Chakotay to tell the senor staff everything that had happened. They needed to know. She made him promise to make sure that they wouldn't tell the rest of the crew though. Only the eight of them needed to know, so that things could be handled accordingly with the shifts for the next few days.