At least that's how it appeared for the first split second; however upon further inspection--further inspection being a brief glance around the room--they discovered to their dismay they had been incorrect. To Vyvyan's credit the body was no longer sprawled out haphazardly on the floor of the pad. It was now slumping precariously in the chair hitherto occupied by the headless wooden advisor. A half-hearted attempt had obviously been made to disguise the corpse as Mr. Schneider. The dummy's jacket, much to large for her small frame, hung loosely from the girl's shoulders, and the trousers were strewn across her lap not even covering a small burn mark just below her right knee. The height of the disguise was the wig which had been torn from the dummy's head and place atop the girl's unruly hair. All in all it was a cunning disguise. Cunning, that is, for a half blind retarded penguin with a bladder control problem and a tendency to bash its head into walls.
Vyvyan winked at the penguin which was sitting in a warm yellowish puddle. Not surprisingly, it didn't wink back. This may have been due to the fact that it was a half blind retarded penguin with a bladder control problem and a tendency to bash its head into walls but was probably because it was in fact a stuffed penguin and of very little consequence to the prior goings-on. The warm yellowish liquid, for those keen on detail, was a bit of a mystery. It may have been caused when Peter spilled a glass of lemonade the other day which no one had yet cleaned up; however, it was more likely due to the fact that Vyvyan was taking a piss on it, thus warranting the surreptitious wink.
Had Vyvyan known the truth about this so called stuffed penguin, he would never dare perform such a desecration, for this was no ordinary penguin. This was Petey!
Yes Petey Penguin, famous throughout penguindom for his masterful cake decorating, his ability to explode on cue without aid of pyrotechnics (Technically, as many critics point out, this has never been proven, but as Petey quickly points out in return, it has yet to be disproved either. Thus the argument rages on. No one really believes Petey on this count, but his fans back him all the way. If he wants to make outrageous claims, let him. After all, he's Petey!), and his amazing ability to impersonate stuffed penguins. The latter was what he had been concentrating on for the past two years, nine months, twenty-four days, nineteen hours and forty-two minutes. He was a mere ten minutes from the breaking the Penguin Olympic World Record for "consistent stuffed penguin impersonation" which had been held since 1979 by Porky Penguin (no relation). The only reason Porky had lasted so long was because he was so morbidly obese he could no longer move. It took his friends and family two years, nine months, twenty-four days, nineteen hours and fifty-two minutes to find a crane capable of lifting three tons of raw penguin. Unfortunately, this movement caused Porky's head to fall off and Penguin authorities soon discovered he'd been dead for somewhere around a year and a half only no one had noticed.
The medal was awarded to him nonetheless in hopes that his family would not bring a lawsuit against the committee for negligence or something equally terrifying. This caused a good deal of outrage among the penguin community who for the most part agreed he should be disqualified considering he was an ex-penguin. Particularly outraged was Pee-Pee P. Penguin (no relation) who had previously held the record. This, coupled with the fact that his name was Pee-Pee, cause him to attempt to drown himself by leaping off the nearest iceberg. It took him nearly six months to remember that he was a penguin and consequently very good at swimming. After much deliberation he attempted to freeze to death by leaping off the nearest iceberg. This too was unsuccessful. After many years of leaping off icebergs, Pee-Pee finally gave up on suicide and decided to go live life to its fullest in the tropics where he suffered a heat stroke six seconds after stepping off the plane and died.
As for that hulk that was Porky, it was dropped down a mine shaft never to be heard from again.
With all this on his mind and just over nine minutes to go, Petey was understandably outraged that some red-haired prick was using him as a toilet.
Momentarily forgetting himself, he turned on Vyvyan, leapt up and with all his penguiny might kicked the exposed man in the groin. Vyvyan howled in pain as Petey ran for the door as quickly as his tiny webbed feet would carry him. He cursed loudly as he ran. It had suddenly occurred to him that he'd just blown his chances for the Penguin Olympic Record and he'd just wasted two years, nine months, twenty-four days, nineteen hours and forty-two minutes of his life. He cursed again as he ran stiffly on.
To those present his curses sounded . . . well, like whatever sound it is penguins make only much longer and much much louder. Had any of them had a copy of Piddle P. Penguin's (no relation) "Naughty No-no Words You Shouldn't Know Much Less Use In Conversation" they would have discovered he said something very similar to "Goddamn, mother-fucking, shit-headed, dick-faced, cock-sucking, arsehole! Burn in hell you fucking tiny dick moron!" This is a very loose translation as the actual saying is much to dirty to commit to paper and besides which, many of the phrases do not translate properly. Such phrases as "electric donkey sucking" and "iceberg leaping Pee-Pee head" have been omitted.
As Petey ran he was relieved to discover no one was following.
Vyvyan would very much like to have followed only he was a bit busy at the moment lying on the floor, holding his you-know-whats and moaning in pain. The others were too amazed to so much as exhale much less go running after a squealing and possibly deranged penguin that had just kicked the crap (almost literally) out of Vyvyan of all people.
"What the bloody hell was that?" Rick exclaimed once Vyvyan's moaning had subsided.
"Looked like a penguin," Neil answered.
"I know that, but what was it doing?"
"Standing?" Davy suggested.
Rick sighed.
"Perhaps it comes from next door," Neil theorized.
"Yeah!" Rick agreed. "She must have sent round her killer penguin once she discovered she was in trouble. The bitch!"
"When? After she died?" the taller Mike inquired sarcastically.
"Besides, penguins don't come from next door they come from Anarctica," Davy told Neil.
"Anarctica," Micky began singing, "is where I wanna be . . ."
"Shut up!" Rick yelled at him.
"Oh," Neil said. "Perhaps it's from the zoo."
"Yugoslavia!" Vyvyan suddenly interjected having managed finally to stand up.
"It's not from Yugoslavia, Vyvyan," Rick scolded.
"No I mean 'Yugoslavia' as in panic and alarm," explained Vyvyan.
"Okay," Rick answered slowly and uncertainly. The others merely stared at him in blank incomprehension.
"I doubt it's from the zoo or Yugoslavia considering that thing has been sitting there for the past," Micky pulled out an abacus from behind his back, "two years, nine months, twenty-four days, nineteen hours and forty-two minutes."
Rick looked as though he were about to explode. "Oh! Oh! Oh! You'll give free reign to an insane, homicidal penguin with a tendency to bash its head into walls . . . uh, I mean a tendency to kick people in the knackers, but we kill one person and you're on the phone to the pigs!"
Peter jumped in terror. "Pigs?! Where?!"
"No Pete," Mike explained patiently, "he means the police."
Peter jumped in terror. "Police?! Where?!"
"Never mind good buddy," said Mike shaking his head.
"You're completely stupid, aren't you?" the other Mike asked Peter.
"Yeah, you've got the brains of . . ." Rick paused in thought before finally coming up with, "someone with no brains at all."
"That's very uncool guys, putting him down like that," said Neil in Peter's defence. "Besides, he's not stupid, he's 'thinking impaired'." Neil glanced at Peter apologetically. "I'm sorry man."
"That's okay," Peter replied, smiling warmly, "I didn't quite understand what you meant."
It was funny he said that as it was the exact phrase uttered by Pupple Penguin (no relation) just prior to his demise. Well known for being the oldest living Penguin, Pupple was swimming merrily through the arctic waters one day looking for something to round off his meal of fish. He was thinking fish would do nicely, when a strange thing occurred. He suddenly dropped dead on the spot, but not before uttering: "That's okay, I didn't quite understand what you meant."
It has long been debated among penguin scholars what he could possibly have meant by such an utterance. One group believed that he was communicating directly with The Great Poo-Poo (the penguins' name for God) and that this was indisputable proof that the afterlife ("Iceberg in the Sky") as well as The Great Poo-Poo did indeed exist. Others, however, were of the opinion that Pupple's final remark owed to the fact that Pupple was the oldest living penguin alive and consequently, if you'll excuse the pun, completely out of his bird. There was evidence to support this second supposition in as much as Pupple was often heard to shout random nonsense at others or at nothing at all. For instance, at the last "Great Penguin Gathering," Pupple was seen by all to jump up on the nearest iceberg and shout "I am the leader of the cheesemakers. All hail to me keeper of the sacred cheddar!" The strange part being that penguins had no knowledge of cheese at all. Many scholars took this outcry to mean . . .
"Would you stop with the bloody penguin stories already!" Vyvyan suddenly shouted.
As you wish . . .
"I hate penguins," muttered Vyvyan.