The gods save no one. I can believe it now. They don't see the blood we shed. They don't see the tears we cry. They are incapable; as are we. Doomed to live in anarchy we shake our fists to the skies and damn them down and damn them down. Share the hell and destroy the world. Make the new resurface and pray for a better reality.
I believe that I hate their heaven. And as such, I have always felt...even as a child...that heaven hated me. But what can they do to punish me? Kill my love? Murder by the thousands? Take away my humanity? They are incapable. Those were my own doings.
And so I ask nothing of them.
Man is a god in ruins. Drowned in blood and sweat. Empty of tears. And infinitely more perfect...we destroy our world over and over. Build new walls. Break them down. And we have an eternity of death and rebirth. Perfecting, unperfecting. Perfecting, and failing. That is why we aren't weak, if we aren't strong.
The gods are incapable. An eternity of passive death. An oppressive stillness. They sit and watch and rot.
That is why I died. I think. So that I could live.
***
There must be a better man for this job. Tenpou was sure there was someone more deserving. He had un-deserved himself of the honor. And if the general ever found out why, Kenren would kill him. Most definitely. Kill him, instead of embracing Tenpou in his sleep like he was doing now.
There was blood on his hands, he just knew it. After years of sorting through intelligence reports and discreetly directing every division of the Western Army in order to avoid non accidental "accidents," something like this just had to come along right under his nose.
God, he was selfish.
Kenren stirred, mumbled a few curses to himself about a meeting in the morning or something like that and pushed himself off the bed. He himself knew it was just an excuse to leave because Tenpou preferred to wake up alone. And as the general lazily picked around the room for wherever his clothes may be, his superior was staring out the window. Snow, but considering his earlier hallucinations, he didn't care.
It was just an anonymous note, for heaven's sake. A note that he found somewhere in his path saying that something bad was going to happen to Kenren Taishou's regiment at such and such time during such and such surveillance round headed by aforementioned general.
Planted, no doubt.
And if Tenpou had pulled the reins on such a routine mission, it would have been obvious to everyone from heaven to hell that he knew more about what was happening in the bureaucracy than he really should. It was just too early to do anything. Being discovered at this stage was just too dangerous for words. Anyway, it was //just// an anonymous note. He found them all the time. None of them ever proved themselves to be real threats (Tenpou himself was on the field to see that they weren't).
So he did the only thing he thought was right to do: Nothing.
Well...//almost// nothing.
This time, the situation just felt...how would you call it...spine tingling?
So he did the only thing he knew was wrong to do: He reassigned the general elsewhere then played the ignorant when it happened, just like he was feigning sleep now. It was hard to be passive and selfish at the same time.
Now thirty men are gone. And now his general is thirty men short without any idea why.
Thirty soldiers. Sacrificed for the sake of discretion. For the sake of their marshal's obsession with secrecy. For the sake of their general's life.
Tenpou heard the soft scuffle of boots heading towards the door. Heard it stop and hesitate, then go back...must have forgotten something.
Surely, had Kenren been there, things might have turned out differently. Or they might have not. Kenren could have saved them or could have disappeared as well. And that wouldn't have been good because Tenpou needed him...politically of course.
And Tenpou was selfish.
And not a better man.
And because Tenpou was selfish and not a better man, he was starting to wish there was a better man for this job.
He felt Kenren's presence by the bed. Quiet. He was staring again...
Someone with the compassion to love this hell hole more than his own life.
Because Tenpou, despite his love of war, hated death...and so...thirty...
Relaxing his muscles, the marshal tried not to cringe when he felt the warm kiss at the nape of his neck. Felt it retreat with the footsteps, growing cold on his skin with each passing second.
God, Kenren was going kill him.
The door opened...
A laugh. "Tenpou, I know you're awake."
...then closed. And after that, Tenpou didn't remember much, except for the snow and the fact that the room was getting colder and colder.
***
Did they return yet?"
"Yes, Litouten-sama. Two days ago."
The bureaucrat smiled over his papers, steepling his hands. "And?"
"Tenpou Gensui was unconscious when they arrived."
"Good. And the mirror?"
"Broken, sir. By the general."
"Excellent."
"Why so, sir?"
"A body without a soul can't live very long. He'll never wake up."
***
"Kanzeon-sama, what do you find so amusing that you laugh out of the blue?" demanded Jiroshin while quizzically looking from Kanzeon to the lily pond, from the lily pond, back to the Goddess of Mercy.
Another all-knowing malicious smile snuck its way onto her lips as she replied, "Strange times, Jiroshin. But good times."
"What in the world do you mean by that?"
Silence and a shrug. The smile faded and Kanzeon leaned boredly back into her throne. "I believe that the Marshal with have a temporary substitute standing in for him sometime soon."
"Why? Is he going somewhere?"
"Yes he is."
"And who is this substitute?"
The boddhisvata grinned again as she took a sip from her cup of tea. "A better man, I believe. A better man."
Jiroshin seemed ready to ask for a clarification, but Kanzeon immediately stuck the cup in his face and demanded, "Please change it. The drink is tepid. And boil the water well this time."
"You'll burn your tongue Kanzeon-sama!"
"But I like tea. Those who like tea shouldn't mind the heat, wouldn't you say? And those who do mind it, shouldn't drink it."
***
Life was strange. First you start hearing things while driving. Then you start seeing things. Yes, and then you wake up and you're naked in a room that you are dead sure is not your hotel room.
Kinda makes you want to think things through a bit, but Hakkai wasn't even given that luxury when he heard a bellowing voice he could have sworn was Gojyo's yelling out, "Tenpouuuuu! Rise n' shine!!!!"
Then said voice was proceeded by a sturdy kick to the door and a raven-haired man garbed all in black pranced into the room, throwing a heap of freshly smelling clothes in his face. That's. Not. Gojyo.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? If you were gonna sleep in oh great, almighty, Tenpou Gensui, then you shoulda told me. I would've stayed instead of going to that boring ass military briefing!"
Tenpou...Gensui...
So Hakkai, being the highly self-conscious and highly courteous man that he was, immediately pulled the covers higher around him and asked the question of the millennium, "And you are?"
There was no way in hiding the fact that he sounded completely scandalized.
"Deserving of more compensation in the future, dammit." the man retorted, his anger only half hearted as he pulled a cigarette from his pocket and proceeded to light it. "That is...after your meeting with Kanzeon-sama."
"Kanzeon..." The pieces of the puzzle were slowly...and painstakingly being put together. Kanzeon. was here, which meant that there wasn't any immediate danger. That was a good thing, he hoped. But back to more pressing matters:
1. He was naked.
2. In a room not his.
3. With a man he didn't know.
4. Who obviously didn't know the rules of propriety.
People leave rooms when other people get dressed. Unless they were lovers, which most certainly they were not. Question number two. In Gojyo's style: Where in the fucking hell was he?
"Where am I?" Hakkai fidgeted nervously under the other man's piercing gaze which seemed too roam over too much over his body for comfort.
"In a heluva lotta trouble if you don't quit playing around." he took a drag. "But damn, we must have fucked pretty well last night for you to //still// be out of your senses. Come on. Can't keep the Goddess of Mercy waiting , you know." He paused, then stalked forward with nothing less than a near possessive smirk curving the corners of his lips. "Or are you waiting for me give you a good morning kiss? Hey, I thought we didn't have that type of relationship."
"Um..." But what else could he say with that man's forehead pressed against his? He smelled incredibly good. With fresh cologne.
What else was he supposed to do? When their lips lightly met in a kiss that kept soft and only soft. Such things happen at times...when your mind draws a complete blank for a good eternity. That's when your body starts to do the thinking. And now, it was thinking...//nice...very nice...//
A bit how he imagined Gojyo would kiss him, though he never had. They weren't like that...or like this...
But then his mind woke up. Finally. //Gojyo...// Breaking the contact, Hakkai shrunk back and covered his slightly swollen lips. "That's...enough."
"Yeah, you've had enough, Marshal, even though last night you kept asking."
"What are you taking about?" the poor healer demanded, his mind whirling in the possibilities of that statement. Who in the world was this? "Excuse me for being rude, but I believe you are deluded. In any case, an introduction would be appreciated..."
"Okay. Fine. Have it your way. Play stupid." And with that, the man walked out the door, most likely waiting for him on the other side.
Okay. He could handle this, Hakkai repeated to himself. WORSE THINGS have happened.(Not that this was anything too bad...) THIS was just an oddity borne of consequence. Deja vu in the eyes of a stranger... And he didn't like it, bodily pleasure or not.
Wrapping the sheets around him and padding to the door, he said through the cracks, "Just let me shower, okay?" he said with as much composure as he could muster up.
He felt like he hadn't showered in days...even though he distinctly remembered going to the bath house last night and having a nice long and well deserved soak.
From the other sound came a choke as if the other had swallowed the smoke of his cigarette. "Geeze, don't //do// that without warning me first! It's, like, really freaky."
"What? Surprising you like this?"
"No, saying that you're gonna take a shower."
"So are you saying that I shouldn't? Is that how things are done here? What strange customs...And while you're at it, could you please tell me where I-"
"Take the damn shower, Tenpou. Even I won't let you see Kanzeon-sama smelling like sex."
Like...sex? But he didn't even...what was...and why was...
Hakkai had a vague idea, and the only piece of solid ground in the whole thought was the fact that he was absolutely positive that Tenpou Gensui was dead. As surely as Hakkai breathed, he knew that Tenpou Gensui was a pile of five hundred year old ash.
And then he found a mirror...
***
I believe that I hate their heaven. And as such, I have always felt...even as a child...that heaven hated me. But what can they do to punish me? Kill my love? Murder by the thousands? Take away my humanity? They are incapable. Those were my own doings.
And so I ask nothing of them.
Man is a god in ruins. Drowned in blood and sweat. Empty of tears. And infinitely more perfect...we destroy our world over and over. Build new walls. Break them down. And we have an eternity of death and rebirth. Perfecting, unperfecting. Perfecting, and failing. That is why we aren't weak, if we aren't strong.
The gods are incapable. An eternity of passive death. An oppressive stillness. They sit and watch and rot.
That is why I died. I think. So that I could live.
***
There must be a better man for this job. Tenpou was sure there was someone more deserving. He had un-deserved himself of the honor. And if the general ever found out why, Kenren would kill him. Most definitely. Kill him, instead of embracing Tenpou in his sleep like he was doing now.
There was blood on his hands, he just knew it. After years of sorting through intelligence reports and discreetly directing every division of the Western Army in order to avoid non accidental "accidents," something like this just had to come along right under his nose.
God, he was selfish.
Kenren stirred, mumbled a few curses to himself about a meeting in the morning or something like that and pushed himself off the bed. He himself knew it was just an excuse to leave because Tenpou preferred to wake up alone. And as the general lazily picked around the room for wherever his clothes may be, his superior was staring out the window. Snow, but considering his earlier hallucinations, he didn't care.
It was just an anonymous note, for heaven's sake. A note that he found somewhere in his path saying that something bad was going to happen to Kenren Taishou's regiment at such and such time during such and such surveillance round headed by aforementioned general.
Planted, no doubt.
And if Tenpou had pulled the reins on such a routine mission, it would have been obvious to everyone from heaven to hell that he knew more about what was happening in the bureaucracy than he really should. It was just too early to do anything. Being discovered at this stage was just too dangerous for words. Anyway, it was //just// an anonymous note. He found them all the time. None of them ever proved themselves to be real threats (Tenpou himself was on the field to see that they weren't).
So he did the only thing he thought was right to do: Nothing.
Well...//almost// nothing.
This time, the situation just felt...how would you call it...spine tingling?
So he did the only thing he knew was wrong to do: He reassigned the general elsewhere then played the ignorant when it happened, just like he was feigning sleep now. It was hard to be passive and selfish at the same time.
Now thirty men are gone. And now his general is thirty men short without any idea why.
Thirty soldiers. Sacrificed for the sake of discretion. For the sake of their marshal's obsession with secrecy. For the sake of their general's life.
Tenpou heard the soft scuffle of boots heading towards the door. Heard it stop and hesitate, then go back...must have forgotten something.
Surely, had Kenren been there, things might have turned out differently. Or they might have not. Kenren could have saved them or could have disappeared as well. And that wouldn't have been good because Tenpou needed him...politically of course.
And Tenpou was selfish.
And not a better man.
And because Tenpou was selfish and not a better man, he was starting to wish there was a better man for this job.
He felt Kenren's presence by the bed. Quiet. He was staring again...
Someone with the compassion to love this hell hole more than his own life.
Because Tenpou, despite his love of war, hated death...and so...thirty...
Relaxing his muscles, the marshal tried not to cringe when he felt the warm kiss at the nape of his neck. Felt it retreat with the footsteps, growing cold on his skin with each passing second.
God, Kenren was going kill him.
The door opened...
A laugh. "Tenpou, I know you're awake."
...then closed. And after that, Tenpou didn't remember much, except for the snow and the fact that the room was getting colder and colder.
***
Did they return yet?"
"Yes, Litouten-sama. Two days ago."
The bureaucrat smiled over his papers, steepling his hands. "And?"
"Tenpou Gensui was unconscious when they arrived."
"Good. And the mirror?"
"Broken, sir. By the general."
"Excellent."
"Why so, sir?"
"A body without a soul can't live very long. He'll never wake up."
***
"Kanzeon-sama, what do you find so amusing that you laugh out of the blue?" demanded Jiroshin while quizzically looking from Kanzeon to the lily pond, from the lily pond, back to the Goddess of Mercy.
Another all-knowing malicious smile snuck its way onto her lips as she replied, "Strange times, Jiroshin. But good times."
"What in the world do you mean by that?"
Silence and a shrug. The smile faded and Kanzeon leaned boredly back into her throne. "I believe that the Marshal with have a temporary substitute standing in for him sometime soon."
"Why? Is he going somewhere?"
"Yes he is."
"And who is this substitute?"
The boddhisvata grinned again as she took a sip from her cup of tea. "A better man, I believe. A better man."
Jiroshin seemed ready to ask for a clarification, but Kanzeon immediately stuck the cup in his face and demanded, "Please change it. The drink is tepid. And boil the water well this time."
"You'll burn your tongue Kanzeon-sama!"
"But I like tea. Those who like tea shouldn't mind the heat, wouldn't you say? And those who do mind it, shouldn't drink it."
***
Life was strange. First you start hearing things while driving. Then you start seeing things. Yes, and then you wake up and you're naked in a room that you are dead sure is not your hotel room.
Kinda makes you want to think things through a bit, but Hakkai wasn't even given that luxury when he heard a bellowing voice he could have sworn was Gojyo's yelling out, "Tenpouuuuu! Rise n' shine!!!!"
Then said voice was proceeded by a sturdy kick to the door and a raven-haired man garbed all in black pranced into the room, throwing a heap of freshly smelling clothes in his face. That's. Not. Gojyo.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? If you were gonna sleep in oh great, almighty, Tenpou Gensui, then you shoulda told me. I would've stayed instead of going to that boring ass military briefing!"
Tenpou...Gensui...
So Hakkai, being the highly self-conscious and highly courteous man that he was, immediately pulled the covers higher around him and asked the question of the millennium, "And you are?"
There was no way in hiding the fact that he sounded completely scandalized.
"Deserving of more compensation in the future, dammit." the man retorted, his anger only half hearted as he pulled a cigarette from his pocket and proceeded to light it. "That is...after your meeting with Kanzeon-sama."
"Kanzeon..." The pieces of the puzzle were slowly...and painstakingly being put together. Kanzeon. was here, which meant that there wasn't any immediate danger. That was a good thing, he hoped. But back to more pressing matters:
1. He was naked.
2. In a room not his.
3. With a man he didn't know.
4. Who obviously didn't know the rules of propriety.
People leave rooms when other people get dressed. Unless they were lovers, which most certainly they were not. Question number two. In Gojyo's style: Where in the fucking hell was he?
"Where am I?" Hakkai fidgeted nervously under the other man's piercing gaze which seemed too roam over too much over his body for comfort.
"In a heluva lotta trouble if you don't quit playing around." he took a drag. "But damn, we must have fucked pretty well last night for you to //still// be out of your senses. Come on. Can't keep the Goddess of Mercy waiting , you know." He paused, then stalked forward with nothing less than a near possessive smirk curving the corners of his lips. "Or are you waiting for me give you a good morning kiss? Hey, I thought we didn't have that type of relationship."
"Um..." But what else could he say with that man's forehead pressed against his? He smelled incredibly good. With fresh cologne.
What else was he supposed to do? When their lips lightly met in a kiss that kept soft and only soft. Such things happen at times...when your mind draws a complete blank for a good eternity. That's when your body starts to do the thinking. And now, it was thinking...//nice...very nice...//
A bit how he imagined Gojyo would kiss him, though he never had. They weren't like that...or like this...
But then his mind woke up. Finally. //Gojyo...// Breaking the contact, Hakkai shrunk back and covered his slightly swollen lips. "That's...enough."
"Yeah, you've had enough, Marshal, even though last night you kept asking."
"What are you taking about?" the poor healer demanded, his mind whirling in the possibilities of that statement. Who in the world was this? "Excuse me for being rude, but I believe you are deluded. In any case, an introduction would be appreciated..."
"Okay. Fine. Have it your way. Play stupid." And with that, the man walked out the door, most likely waiting for him on the other side.
Okay. He could handle this, Hakkai repeated to himself. WORSE THINGS have happened.(Not that this was anything too bad...) THIS was just an oddity borne of consequence. Deja vu in the eyes of a stranger... And he didn't like it, bodily pleasure or not.
Wrapping the sheets around him and padding to the door, he said through the cracks, "Just let me shower, okay?" he said with as much composure as he could muster up.
He felt like he hadn't showered in days...even though he distinctly remembered going to the bath house last night and having a nice long and well deserved soak.
From the other sound came a choke as if the other had swallowed the smoke of his cigarette. "Geeze, don't //do// that without warning me first! It's, like, really freaky."
"What? Surprising you like this?"
"No, saying that you're gonna take a shower."
"So are you saying that I shouldn't? Is that how things are done here? What strange customs...And while you're at it, could you please tell me where I-"
"Take the damn shower, Tenpou. Even I won't let you see Kanzeon-sama smelling like sex."
Like...sex? But he didn't even...what was...and why was...
Hakkai had a vague idea, and the only piece of solid ground in the whole thought was the fact that he was absolutely positive that Tenpou Gensui was dead. As surely as Hakkai breathed, he knew that Tenpou Gensui was a pile of five hundred year old ash.
And then he found a mirror...
***