The flames danced brilliantly before his eyes, reminding him again of Nibelheim. He remembered how quickly he had set flame to the town, how effortlessly and thoughtlessly he had slain the villagers in his way. His memory of that day was probably clearer now than it had been then, with the madness burning in his mind.
The the fire also reminded him of another time, much more recent. It probably had not even been a week since he had come upon Aeris sitting here. What had drawn him to sit near her, he did not know. Perhaps he had not felt nearly as guilty and afraid of himself when he could not remember many of his actions. He should have let her be, knowing that she was afraid of him. Instead he had gone to her, and she had, quite unexpectedly, comforted him. But maybe he had felt it all along, that he needed her. She had spoken of not relying on her; perhaps he could live without her, but he did not want to.
Sephiroth glanced at her, then down; she still held one of his hands in her own. It was so strange to feel her skin touching his, rather than to have the intensity of the feeling muted by his glove. She had held his hand before, but this seemed so much more intimate.
He looked away, two sides again battling in his mind. One of the opinion that he did not deserve her, that she should consider her work done and leave him alone, the other knowing that she valued his friendship nearly as much as Cloud's and not wanting her to go anyway. Separation would hurt the both of them. But didn't he bring her enough pain, because she could feel every emotion of his?
How had they ever ended up together anyway? He, who had killed her purely for the enjoyment of it, and she, who was so incredibly pure as to be willing to die to save others. Sephiroth had had no life to speak of, and he had killed to gain only an empty imitation of power, while Aeris had finally been getting what she always wanted, and sacrificed everything for those she loved. And here she was, a comfort to him. Of course he was in love with her. She was perfect. An angel. But he was...
No. He was helping her, wasn't he? She found comfort in his presence, as he did in hers. He understood her, he could help her--but he was so steeped in blood and guilt that he had difficulty even smiling for her. Oh, but he would do anything for her, if she so much as hinted that she wanted him to.
But what was he supposed to do about everyone else, who could only see him as the murderer, and were incapable of seeing what Aeris saw? Were they afraid that he would kill her again, that he was somehow forcing her to be with him? He could not convince all of them. But... he did seem to be making some progress with convincing Cloud, a slow and painful effort though it was. And there were many who he could talk to now, more than he could ever recall having. Minerva, Lucrecia, Katrina, Yuffie, Nanaki... and even a few whose gazes he could at least meet and find no hatred there.
Wondering at this, he remarked aloud to Aeris, "The people who love me have the most reasons to hate me, the people who believe in me, the most reasons to fear me, and the people who confide in me, the most reasons to mistrust me."
"Not all of them," she replied.
"No, not all of them, but most of them--few that there are--and I do not understand it."
There was no 'you should understand,' no 'I can't explain it to you,' no 'talk to someone else or figure it out for yourself'; she seemed to understand that he had already pondered the question for some time and arrived at nothing but the dead end of another question mark. And she communicated this in a gentle smile, saying at the same time that she would help him to understand. She had always been this way, offering him her viewpoint, her way of seeing something, her understanding, even if she had never before considered the topic. She never denied him any knowledge, never gave him a 'nevermind, it's not important.' Everything was important. And he loved her for it.
"There are hundreds of reasons that bring a person to respond the way they do, and not all of them are conscious decisions," Aeris said. "Maybe some of us act on a belief that even killers should be given a second chance. Maybe some of us saw enough of the terrible acts you committed that we could not comprehend how any person could do such a thing, so, rather than deny you a soul, we tried to understand what it was that drove you to do those things. Maybe we were just curious; maybe we weren't satisfied with the simple adjective of 'evil' and wanted to know if you had the qualities of what many consider to be true humans, those with emotions and logic, vulnerability and strength, breaking points and breaking."
She fell silent for a moment, but he sensed that she was not finished and so did not interrupt her. "And some of us thought we caught a glimpse of good somewhere in you, in some instant when the fire faded from your eyes and uncertainty shone through. When your words went on as some practiced script while your eyes, despite their glare, somehow managed to flinch upon meeting mine, as though you could not face what you saw there. Some slumped, weary position that reminded me of a child, a child I met a long time ago when he seemed older and younger at the same time and there was wonder in his eyes, and it hurt to find the wonder gone, replaced by this man who seemed at the same time an empty shell searching for some long-forgotten haven and a warrior whose gaze was enough to kill."
Sephiroth brushed away the tears that had made their slow journey down her cheeks, surprised to see his own bare fingers doing such a thing. He almost recoiled at the thought of touching her that way, but her words echoed in his mind: These hands are clean, these hands are clean. "You saw all that?" he asked. "You noticed me wavering even though our gazes hardly met but for a few moments?"
"I saw it all, yes," she answered, looking up at him through tear-laden lashes, "but it's not the sort of thing that registers as conscious thought. They were all just snatches of feeling, fading almost as quickly as the falter in your gaze and your movement. Only that thought of the boy in the hallway made me wonder for an instant, made me wonder what it was that brought that to mind, but I couldn't grasp it, and you were saying something new and frightening, and it slipped away, and I couldn't remember it anymore."
"Is that why you were still smiling when you died?" he asked softly. "Even though you must have sensed me...?"
"...I knew then, that your wonder wasn't gone," Aeris said, eyes seeing him and yet seeing beyond him at the same time, "that there was still some snatch of you left, still crying to be heard. ...and it felt like you already knew what was going to happen. I think I did, too. I was almost certain I would die if I went, and yet I had to go, I had to summon Holy. Had to stop you, had to show you that you were wrong, had to show you I wasn't afraid. I knew you'd kill me whether or not I succeeded. Prevention or punishment, it didn't matter."
"But you wanted to live."
"Yes. I wanted to live, I wanted to see Cloud again, I wanted... everything any normal person wants. And so I held onto all these irrational hopes even as I hurried to finish my prayer before my death. I knew I would die, but I didn't believe it. My disbelief made me think I was ready for it, and I didn't realize--remember--I wasn't until I saw Cloud, until your blade was through me."
"I'm sorry... If I had waited one moment longer, I might have changed my mind. I might have decided it was pointless to kill you after you succeeded. I'm sorry..."
"You don't need to apologize. I forgave you a long time ago, even before I said it or even understood you."
"But I need to apologize to myself, too. That part of myself that I did not listen to, the part that felt that to kill you would be to kill my heart. That part of me has not forgiven me, and I don't know if it ever will. Gods, Aeris, I just want to be able to forgive myself..."
"Is that too much to ask?" she went on, voice an echo of his emotion. She shook her head. "I don't know. I don't know what it's like to feel that much guilt..."
"Yes you do. You feel it through me, and it hurts, doesn't it?"
"Yes," she whispered. "I feel as though my heart is on its knees, weeping."
"Please," he begged of her. "Tell me how to forgive myself, as you have done."
"So many wounds..." she went on, still whispering, giving no sign that she had heard him. "Most of them healing now, even the deep ones, but this... this deepest wound just keeps bleeding. You keep gouging at it. Let it heal, let it heal."
"I took five years from you..."
"And you gave me yourself. I think that's more than a fair exchange... I wouldn't have it any other way." She paused. "Except that... maybe, if you didn't love me so much, you wouldn't--" And she could not go on.
"It won't hurt me," he said. "If you don't feel that close to me, it won't hurt. This is more than enough."
"I just feel like..."
"You try to love everyone with all your heart, Aeris, but to care this strongly about everyone--that would be impossible. Who could possibly last through one minute of that intensity? So I can't blame you, I don't blame you, because you already manage to give some love to everyone you know, and even a meaningful kindness to complete strangers. You already manage more than I can even comprehend. And you give me so much. How is that cheating me? Even your frowns could heal, if you spoke the right words to accompany them."
Aeris managed to laugh through her tears. She took a steadying breath and reached for his hand, which he now offered her without hesitation. "And I suppose you learned this from me?" she asked, a smile on her lips. She was not joking, merely glad. His words had made her smile... and at this thought, his own expression softened to an echo of hers, fragile but true.
"Of course," he replied. "It is only fitting that you learn physical healing from me while I learn the emotional healing from you."
She opened her eyes to meet his gaze, sorrow turned to mirth. "And, of course, you heal my body while I heal your heart."
"It does seem rather unfair," he said, as though agreeing with something unspoken. "Your job has proven to be the most difficult and painful, while mine only took me a minute or two."
"Oh, but you're making up for it now," she told him, only half-joking as all their words were now. "You're healing my heart, too."
"If I ever succeed at that, maybe I can forgive myself."
"What were we ever talking about that started this whole thing?"
"I wanted to know why some of my closest friends are people with the most reasons to despise me," Sephiroth told her.
To which she replied, "More proof of your good memory. Well, I think you know my reasons."
"I have been hearing and feeling your reasons for days now. But it seems there is always more to understand... In any case, it is Yuffie and Nanaki that I do not understand."
"Yuffie and Nanaki..." Aeris murmured. "They're both very open to change, and neither of them really knew you directly. In Nanaki's case, it was always about defending the Planet, not about seeking revenge. He never hated you; he was the one least swayed by any negative emotions. He's young and innocent still, eager to accept any changes you've gone through. Your personal story, to him, was intriging, and he no doubt thought a great deal more about it than anyone realized. So, on meeting you, he was quite ready to understand you as much as he needed in order to accept you."
"And Yuffie? She certainly had revenge to exact."
"For destroying the Wutai she knew as a child, yes. But I've seen how she's been welcoming to you. Maybe she thinks that if she shows you kindness, she'll gain both your friendship and your help--not bad things to have. She's giving you a chance to make up for your actions."
"Why should she be one to give me another chance?"
"Why not? I think, perhaps, she learned the lesson from us. Despite the fact that we found her as a thief, we gave her our trust, and when she betrayed that, we still allowed her to come with us and redeem herself. We let Cait Sith do much the same."
"And so she is willing to do the same on a much grander scale? To allow the man who should have her deepest hatred to have the chance to gain her forgiveness?"
"Why keep that kindness from other people, when she knows how wonderful it is to receive it herself?"
He nodded slightly. "...perhaps we should go to Wutai then, and help her rebuild."
Aeris raised her eyebrows. "Do you really mean that?"
"I don't really know."
She laughed. "Well, we'll put Wutai back on our list of possibilities anyway."
He smirked. "Not much help at narrowing it down, am I?"
"Not really," she admitted. "But that's all right."
"Aeris?"
"Yes?"
Sephiroth shifted uncertainly. "...there was one thing that Jenova said, one thing that I was unable to refute, and it has been bothering me."
"What is it?" she asked, expression sobering as she tilted her head.
"She mentioned the Weapons, saying that they killed many humans in order to replenish the Lifestream, allowing the Planet to heal itself... She reasoned that we could do the same thing." Ashamed, he looked down at his lap. "At that point, the only thing that kept me from believing her was that you did not approve of killing."
She lifted up his face with her hand, smiling gently. "It's all right. Don't let your mind linger on your weaknesses, only know that you have them. Don't see them as unsurpassable obstacles, but as problems that can be overcome. All right?"
He nodded silently.
"The Weapons were created to defend the Planet, to be called upon only at the most desperate of times. Their original purpose was to defeat Jenova, but by the time they were ready, the Cetra had already taken care of it. So they slept. And then, when you summoned Meteor, they awakened to help the Planet. But humans aren't really connected to the Planet--not like the Cetra--so it has difficulty distinguishing them from one another. It only knew that the humans were the ones who had made the reactors, and through me it got vague impressions and images, like something from a dream. The Weapons' attacks centered mostly on Shinra, but innocent people were killed, too. It was never the Planet's intention that they should die, but it was desperate. It had to do something to defend itself, and the Weapons were all it had."
Sephiroth frowned. "But killing so many would replenish the Lifestream, wouldn't it? And give the Planet more energy, make it stronger?"
"Yes," Aeris admitted. "But then the population is greatly decreased. Fewer people, fewer children, less energy to be gained from them."
"...you mean the energy in the Lifestream is not constant?"
"No, it isn't. When people grow--in any way at all, not just physically--their spirits grow as well. It's usually much more beneficial to the Planet for a person to live out their life and die at a ripe old age. The same goes for plants and other animals. The more life is on the Planet, the more life the Planet has. If you kill the life on the Planet, of course it will help it for a little while--but only a little while. What it really needs is growth."
"...is that why you value the life of each and every person, even me? And why you insist on being where you can plant your flowers?"
She smiled. "Part of my love of life is the same as the Planet's, but the Planet doesn't have the kind of emotions we do. It doesn't know people, it doesn't make friends, it doesn't love anyone for their personality."
"What about the Cetra?" Sephiroth asked.
"Whatever it feels for us is more like what a parent feels for its children than anything else... And some very unfortunate children at that. I think I'm the closest thing it has to a friend..."
He nodded. "Because you have done so much for it, and you are the only one who is still capable of acting for it. Perhaps the other Cetra can hear its voice, but they cannot act on its words."
"Right."
The swordsman paused, studying the delicate hand he held in his own. "...why is Jenova preventing the Planet from healing itself anyway?"
She shook her head. "I'm not sure; she's like some sort of parasite on the Planet's energy, taking up more than she should and using it as her own. Nothing grows near the Knowlespole. The snow never even melts. And in so many other places, the ground is barren and rocky. It takes hard work to make anything grow."
"What about me?" Sephiroth asked, looking up at her with pale sapphire eyes. "Am I a parasite also?"
"I don't think so," Aeris answered. "The Planet shares its energy with you; you're not stealing from it. And you can get tired, can't you? You can use up the energy given you and have to regenerate it yourself. That's not hurting it."
"Jenova doesn't belong to this Planet. That's why she doesn't die; the Lifestream can't accept her."
"Then how am I supposed to be able to kill her?"
"I don't know..."
"Can you ask the Planet?"
She smiled ruefully. "I could, but it's quite likely it won't tell me until after you've killed her. It's like that sometimes."
A slight smirk came to his face. "I see."
"I wanted to talk to Minerva before we left," Aeris said, and the abruptness did not surprise him at all. "Do you mind?"
He shook his head. "Not at all. I'm only curious as to why you wanted to...?"
She smiled. "Oh, it's about Reno, mostly. And besides, I thought I might want to get to know your family."
"...and perhaps find some wounds that you can heal."
"Mmhmm. That too."
Sephiroth smirked again. "Should I talk to Reno then?"
Aeris laughed. "Yes, go ahead. I'm sure it will do you both good. Especially because Reno seems just a bit protective of me. Not anywhere near as much as Cloud, but still... he'd probably feel more comfortable with us if he knew you."
"All right," he replied, hesitantly loosening his grip on her hand before gently letting go and standing. "I'll go find them."
"I'll look, too," she said, climbing to her feet also.
He shook his head. "No; I'm the one with no social skills, aren't I? If you get caught spying them out or if you interrupt their conversation, they'll be annoyed with you, but it's expected of me."
She laughed again. "Oh, all right. Go on and find them yourself. You'll probably be better at doing so without actually interrupting whatever they're doing. Then we can just wait until they say goodbye."
Sephiroth nodded and hopped down from the Candle's platform.
Reno was half-sitting, half-leaning against a wooden crate beside the last of the shops. Before him rose the staircase leading into the rock tunnels of the oldest part of the village. His sunglasses were down for once, as the sun was only slightly to the west and the shadow of the stairs did not reach him.
"How did you become a Turk?" Minerva was asking. She stood rather stiffly against the wall of the stairs opposite him, more comfortable in its shade than in the warm sun.
He grinned at her, taking it first as a joke, as usual. "You think they should've rejected me?"
She shook her head and elaborated patiently, "No... I mean, what were the circumstances, and why did you agree to do such things as are commonplace for a Turk?"
"Well, I didn't exactly go looking for that kind of job. I just wanted something with Shinra 'cause hey, Shinra always paid well. Or at least better than anyone else could afford to."
"So what were you looking for?"
He shrugged. "Something military, 'cause I figured I wasn't smart enough for one of their desk jobs."
"You got promoted up the ranks then?" she asked.
"Actually, no," he replied. "When I went to apply and go through all their tests and stuff, they told me I wasn't cut out to be a soldier. They thought being a Turk was better suited to me. Gave me all of five minutes to choose, and who was I to refuse a payrate that much higher than a soldier's?"
Minerva scoffed a little.
He only grinned, unaffected by her wordless criticism. "So I got trained to be a cold killing machine, a Turk."
"How could you bear it?"
"And there you prove your innocence," he said with a smile. "But, yeah, human beings'll do a lot of things for money. Plus, Turks got trusted with a lot of Shinra's secrets, and I'm not sure what they did with you if you decided to quit. I wasn't about to find out. So I stuck with it, and tried to do what any good Turk does--ignore the fact that sometimes the people whose lives you ruin are completely and totally innocent."
"Wasn't it difficult to do?"
"Hell yeah! Why do you think me an' Rude became alcoholics?"
The girl shrugged. "How would I know?"
Reno ran a hand through his hair and pulled himself up to actually sit on the crate. "Yeah, you're right."
"Did you ever disobey your orders?" she persisted.
"Yeah," he replied. "Well, not straight-out disobeying, but I didn't exactly perform to the best of my abilities, you know?"
"What was the circumstance?"
"Shinra wanted me to capture the last surviving Ancient, of course. But you know Aeris. Once I saw her, bent over her flowers in that church of hers--ah, hell, how was I supposed to capture her?" He glanced at Minerva, frowned, shook his head. "Sorry, Min."
She only blinked. "What are you apologizing for?"
"Talking about Aeris like that in front of you."
Minerva shrugged. "Talk about her as you would to yourself. You should not have to lie to me."
"Right, right, it's just... well... I guess I expected you to care when I talk about other women." He grinned sheepishly. "Most women hate it when men do that."
"But you prefer that I don't."
"Exactly. Anyway... I wasn't about to let Shinra have Aeris when I was pretty sure they were gonna turn her over to Hojo. The more I got to know her, the surer I was about that decision."
"How did you get to know her when your orders were to capture her if you saw her?"
"I got off-duty time, unlike you, so I didn't always have to act on my orders. Shinra expected their Turks to do it anyway, but they couldn't do anything to one if they didn't. It was kinda weird though, 'cause she never knew whether I was coming on- or off-duty unless I had Shinra troopers with me. I was glad, though, because Aeris was strong enough to take on the soldiers by herself, so even if they tried to take her, she'd be okay. I was the one who couldn't get near her when Shinra could see. And you never knew where their eyes-and-ears were."
"It must have been frustrating," Minerva commented.
Reno shrugged. "But not as bad as what you went through. Disobeying your orders was actually painful..."
"I should have been able to bear the pain."
"You shouldn't've had to try."
"But I turned out to be in circumstances that dictated I had to. And I was too weak to do so."
"Nobody can be impervious to pain, Min."
She shut her eyes. "But I should have been able to... and yet, I did not want to. I would rather hurt others than face pain myself. How is that all right?"
"You tried," he said, eyeing her uncertainly. "You did your best."
Minerva shook her head. "No, I didn't. I didn't..."
"Min, it's okay," he assured her, hopping up and pushing back his sunglasses as he took a few steps closer to her. "Everything turned out fine. We pulled through. You overcame the pain. It's all okay."
"No, it isn't... My mother is dead, and you are falling in love with me. What are you doing, Reno? I am nothing to fall in love with. I have nothing to give you, only the pain I have in my heart, and certainly you do not need that. I have no entertaining stories, no healing words, no bright personality, no thoughtful ideas... nothing. What are you doing?"
"Exactly what I should be doing," he said, wrapping his arms around her. She seemed so small now, so vulnerable. "You're more than what you say; you should know that."
"I do... but I am considerably less than what you think me to be."
"Nah."
"I'm afraid you will be disappointed..."
He held her closer. "I doubt it."
"And if you are?"
"I'll get over it. It's not like I haven't been in a million failed relationships."
"I would rather not make it a million and one."
"If you're trying to make me leave you alone, it won't work. Being alone is what got you this way."
Minerva did not reply. She pulled away from him, trying to step away but finding only a wall to back into. She leaned against it again, pressing back as far from him as she could. She folded her arms and fixed her gaze on some point on the ground.
"What?" Reno asked, stepping back to give her the space she seemed to want. "Did I say something wrong?"
She shook her head. "I only felt..." She frowned.
"Felt what?"
"It doesn't matter."
He sighed, but didn't pursue it any further. Let her tell him in her own time, if she felt like it. "Anyway... what're you gonna do after Jenova's dead?"
She shrugged. "Don't know." She glanced at him. "Where do you plan on going?"
Reno put his hands behind his head and leaned against the wall beside her. "If I go back to Junon with Rude, Reeve, and Elena, will you come with?"
"I suppose. I've nowhere else to go." A pause. "What is Junon like?"
"It's a city, Min."
"What is that supposed to tell me?"
He grinned. "Practically nothing, I guess. Um. Well, it's a lot busier than it is here, a lot bigger, not nearly as friendly. The climate's different, too, 'cause it's near the ocean. Other than that--guess you'll just have to see it for yourself."
Minerva nodded.
"Where do you think Sephiroth will go?"
"Wherever Aeris goes."
"And where's she going?"
She raised an eyebrow at him. "Why are you asking me?"
"I dunno. Worth a try."
She straightened, dropping her hands to her sides.
"Where are you going now?" Reno asked at the abrupt motion.
"Off by myself," she answered with a glance at him.
"Oh," he said. "Okay. See ya."
Minerva strode off without replying. He watched her go, then sighed and closed his eyes. She had almost let her guard down, almost, but then she backed away. She had felt that he was getting too close, and she had withdrawn. Why? Was she afraid of being open to him? Afraid of admitting that she actually did need someone around, that she couldn't be as strong as she wanted? No doubt she was strong, but if she was alone, if she kept herself distant from everyone, eventually she would break. He didn't want her to break.
The sounds of the village filtered through his levels of attention to where he almost focused on them. People were making their rounds of the nearby shops, buying the essentials and the occasional trinket or long-desired item. By now probably some of the villagers had seated themselves at the Candle and were talking quietly, adding to the soft murmur of voices.
Minerva didn't fit in this kind of place, it seemed. She was much to self-contained. These people took speaking as a daily action, one to be done without thought. Minerva seemed to find it an awkward, serious affair, rare and always with some purpose.
And as far as purposeful conversations went, maybe he should have been going to see Aeris. Minerva was a great confidante, but he didn't exactly feel comfortable about talking about his feelings for her to her. Especially when he was still working on understanding them, and figuring out how to make her comfortable with them. But maybe he could talk to Aeris about them. And about whatever was going on between her and Sephiroth. Totally weird.
Reno opened his eyes and pushed off from the wall.
"I see you have taken a liking to my sister."
He started and turned to see Sephiroth perched on the stairs above him. It seemed someone had been thinking along the same lines as he had. Well, it was probably better he talk to Sephiroth anyway, seeing as he'd be more comfortable having something other than 'homicidal maniac' to associate with the swordsman. "And now I have to deal with the protective older brother...?" he asked.
Sephiroth hopped down and regarded him questioningly. "What do you mean?"
"Guess you don't know much about actual sibling relationships."
He shrugged. "I suppose not."
The redhead shoved his hands in his pockets. "So how long were you up there?"
"Since you asked if she would accompany you."
He nodded, trying not to show his relief that the swordsman hadn't seen him hold her. "So, what do you want?"
"To know you."
"...so you can see if I'm good enough for her?"
Sephiroth blinked. "No. So that her life won't be foreign to me."
"Now that you have family, you want to be close to them?"
"Something like that."
"Isn't she a little young to be your sister?"
He shrugged. "So she is less than half my age. It isn't as though those years matter to Hojo. It does not matter if she is or not; I will continue to call her my sister."
"Okay," Reno said, blinking a little. He leaned back against the wall. "So how's it going with Aeris?"
"We get along well, if that is what you mean," the swordsman said uncertainly.
"No, no, I mean, how well do you know her?"
"Better than anyone else."
The redhead arched an eyebrow. "Really? Even better than Cloud?"
Sephiroth scoffed. "Cloud cared, but he didn't know her."
"Kissed her yet?"
He started. "What?"
"Have you kissed her yet?"
"What business is it of yours?"
Reno smirked. "I'll take that as a yes."
Sephiroth frowned, but did not deny it. "What difference does it make to you, anyway?"
"I was just curious as to how far your relationship had gotten. I never got around to kissing her, ya see. And I'm usually pretty quick to jump into a relationship, so I've concluded that you've gotta be incredibly close to her to feel like you can kiss her without feeling like you're violating her somehow."
The swordsman shifted uncomfortably.
He raised his eyebrows. "What, you felt like that anyway?"
"When you hate yourself, it is hard not to."
"You hate yourself?"
"It has softened to a strong dislike now," Sephiroth said.
Reno smirked again. "So anyway, what did you want? Some dirt on me an' Min? Sorry to disappoint--I haven't kissed her yet."
"Of course you haven't," the swordsman replied. "She would never let you close enough for that so soon."
"You're right about that. But I'm not even sure she knows what a kiss is."
"She does. She asked me about it."
He laughed, finding this particularly amusing. "Now, that would be something a little sister would do. 'Hey, Sephy, what's a kiss?' And then maybe you'd freak if you'd just kissed Aeris, and she'd kinda look at you weird, and--"
Sephiroth was laughing softly, to his surprise.
"What's so funny?"
"I think I can see why they let you into the Turks," he replied. "Despite your attitude, you are incredibly bright."
Reno looked at him askew. "I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult."
The swordsman smirked. "Take it as a compliment. I do not tell people they are bright unless they really are."
"And where do you rank yourself on the intelligence scale?"
"Fairly low actually. I think I lost points when I believed Hojo's lies and went mad."
He nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Disregarding logic would indicate low intelligence. But you're making up for it, I guess. Who knows? Maybe someday you'll be as smart as me."
Sephiroth scoffed. "Actually I was of the opinion that I would pass you again someday soon."
"Did you have that opinion before or after you decided I was bright?"
"After."
"Oh. Well, screw you."
"Interesting. When you lose you resort to crude language."
"And what else have you discovered about me?"
"Well, when you're not trying to be a bastard, you can be quite amicable. I can see why Minerva likes you."
"Crude language and all?"
"Yes."
"Cool. Can you explain it to me?"
"Take it up with her. It is better that way."
Reno ran a hand through his hair. "She doesn't like to talk much about her opinions."
"Give her time."
"You think you know her better than I do?"
Sephiroth shrugged. "No. But I do know what growing up as a laboratory specimen does to a person."
The redhead frowned. "Minerva would probably say you've been through more than her, but I don't think you were nearly as neglected and lonely as you'd like to think."
"Why would I want to think myself neglected?"
"To get other people's sympathy. But I mean, you've had two or three 'mom''s, you've certainly had enough people around who respected you, at least for a while. You had the position, the fame, the money, the freedom--everything. So what's the big deal?"
The swordsman glanced at him with warning in his eyes. "You should know that money does not buy happiness or friendship. Respect means nothing when it is as shallow as theirs was. I cared nothing for the fame, and I held that position only because it was the only thing I was ever skilled at. You speak of freedom, but when you know no other life, it is difficult not to feel as though you've nowhere to go."
"But it's your fault. There was nothing to stop you from reaching out."
"I was never gregarious, and I could not stand their shallow worship long enough to rid them of it and truly befriend anyone."
"There were probably some people who didn't think of you like that."
"I never met them."
"Then you weren't looking in the right places."
"Perhaps. I did not think I needed to be searching."
Reno sighed in exasperation. "You thought you were strong enough to make it without them?"
"Yes."
"What is it with you and Minerva and this need to be strong?" he demanded.
Sephiroth's voice remained coolly indifferent, though there was more emerald in his eyes than there had been. "Those who lack any real power or strength need any illusion of it they can find, whether it is to take pride in their isolation or to pretend they are superior to those who refuse to actually know them."
"But Minerva is strong," Reno insisted. "What does she need an illusion for?"
"She does not think herself to be strong." He paused, glanced at the redhead. "And pretending that she doesn't need anyone, she pushes them away. I suppose she considers it better for the both of you that way."
"Neither of us get hurt," he concluded flatly.
"That would be the intention," Sephiroth agreed.
"But it wouldn't work."
"No."
"Do you do that, too?"
The swordsman shrugged. "I used to."
"Did Aeris get you to stop?"
He nodded. "She would not let me be alone."
"Figures. Oh! Hey, where are you going after, you know, you kill Jenova?"
"Wherever Aeris goes," Sephiroth replied with mild amusement, reminding Reno that he had been listening before. "Actually, we haven't decided yet."
"But you are sticking together, huh?"
"Of course."
"Must be kinda tough with your reputation," the redhead remarked, realizing that wherever the swordsman went, he would be known as a murderer. Turks were murderers, too, but they had never been famous. Not like Shinra's best and youngest general. And it occurred to him that Sephiroth had the memories of hundreds of murders as opposed to his tens-a much harder thing to live with.
Sephiroth nodded slightly. "Here, people know I have changed. A few of them I could even consider friends. But elsewhere... they will still hate me."
"That sucks... How do you plan on getting by? I seriously doubt anyone would hire you."
The swordsman shrugged. "We will figure it out once we decide on where we are going. If I was on my own it would not matter, but Aeris has needs that I do not."
"Right... I don't understand her at all, but I know the smiles are just a front. So you take care of her. She seems to like you." Reno grinned and gave the taller man a clap on the shoulder just for the hell of it, freezing for just a moment when he saw Sephiroth's hand jerk up instinctively, ready to defend. The man's expression had gone cold.
The redhead shook his head, grinned an apology, and walked off. He wondered if he was lucky that Sephiroth had managed to restrain himself. He also wondered what it was like to have that kind of instinct--to defend against any touch, even an anticipated or friendly one. He couldn't imagine being so wary of being touched. Sure, in a battle mindset, he would be, but that was just that. For battles. Sephiroth and Minerva seemed to be that way all the time. Was life just one big fight, and everyone started off as an enemy, rather than a potential ally?
No wonder they pushed everyone away; they started with the assumption that everyone wanted to hurt them. Suddenly he regretted saying what he had to Sephiroth, regretted trying to put him at fault for his own loneliness. Maybe it was partially true, but who would try to make friends with the memory of cruelty ingrained in their very instincts?
And no wonder Minerva called him kind. In all her experience, he might as well have been the most gentle person she had ever known. And that was sad. But at least she didn't have to deal with the hatred and fear that Sephiroth got from every single person from the first. Maybe he should have been viewing the entire world as full of enemies. Maybe he did have it harder than Minerva.
...and maybe he'd have to ask her to apologize for him. He'd been trying to be a bastard, like usual. And why did he do that? Was that his way of pushing people away?
Yeah. Because you're not used to people actually knowing you. You don't know what you're supposed to do when they really care, so you back off. You hurt them. Because you're scared, too.
But he was not afraid of Minerva, and he was determined to make sure she was at ease with him... which meant he should probably avoid hugging her too often. And definitely no kissing. He had to slow down to her pace. Afterall, she'd never had a friend before, much less a boyfriend. In any case, he wanted to be her first... and hopefully her only.
"I hope I'm not disturbing you," Aeris said as she sat down. She took a moment to situate herself and looked down at the village. "Sephiroth comes up here often, doesn't he?"
Minerva nodded, watching the Cetra out of the corner of her eye. "And what exactly might you be disturbing?"
"Your solitude. Your train of thought, maybe."
The girl shrugged. "My thoughts are not easily disturbed." She paused, sensing Aeris's uncertainty. "You came to ask me something. Go ahead and be blunt."
Aeris smiled gratefully. "I wanted to ask you about Reno, actually... Sometimes he'll do things that are rather inappropriate."
"Why don't you talk to him? Isn't he your friend?"
She shook her head. "He is, but he always said he didn't want me analyzing his relationships. I don't think he feels comfortable talking about them to me, and I think I'd rather get it from your point of view anyway. He would just joke or change the subject if I asked him."
Minerva frowned slightly, but supposed this was true. He did seem to think that being able to talk to her was something special, and that had to mean he had never discussed anything of real importance with Aeris. Or, at least, nothing personal. "He has proved to be a good friend," she responded finally, if a bit guardedly.
"He's not moving too fast for you?"
"No," she lied. She could handle Reno herself. "But are you moving too slowly for Sephiroth?"
Aeris blinked. "What do you mean?"
"He needs an answer. He may act as though he does not mind, but he is debating it in his mind."
Her expression fell. "...debating whether or not he's worthy of it, and whether I'm simply being kind in saying I'm unsure, or if I really don't know."
"He needs to know."
She sighed. "I know, I know... I need to know, too." She shook her head, smiled. "But that's my problem. How have you been doing? All of this must be very strange to you."
"It is," Minerva agreed, wondering how Aeris could be so good at helping other people solve their problems if she would not discuss her own--or perhaps she thought she was special in that she could do it on her own? Minerva doubted it. Aeris just didn't think discussing it with Minerva would help. "Reno and Sephiroth have been helping me to understand."
The Cetra smiled fondly. "That's good. Sephiroth seems so much more confident than before. It's wonderful that he feels he can help others, even those he doesn't like."
"So he has spoken to Cloud, then," the girl concluded. "You have done a great deal for him... But it seems strange that you should want to try in the first place."
"He did revive me... and he approached me, even if he didn't say anything. But there was always something in his eyes and his voice..."
"So has it paid off?"
Aeris blinked again, almost as if she found the question absurd. Perhaps she did; she never seemed to expect anything in return. "Yes... I suppose you could say it has. He is a wonderful friend. He understands me better than Cloud ever did."
"And yet you do not love him," Minerva said harshly.
"I never said that!" Aeris exclaimed. "I just..."
"You aren't sure. But you were sure with Cloud."
She shook her head. "No... I wasn't sure with Cloud. Not until..."
"Until it was too late to tell him? Do you plan to wait that long with Sephiroth then?"
The Cetra looked miserable at the accusation, and Minerva almost regretted saying it. Almost. "Of course I don't... but I... I don't want to tell him something that I'm not sure is true."
"Then find out, please," the girl urged her, tone softer now. "I do not want him to suffer any more than he already has."
"I'll try," Aeris answered. "I know he does deserve it, even if he doesn't think so..."
Minerva nodded, satisfied now, and turned her gaze to the village. She had nothing more to say.
"Minerva..." the Cetra began, sounding almost embarrassed. "Sephiroth said that you liked to make up your own songs, and I was wondering if..."
Blinking, she turned to look at her. "What?"
"If you could come up with something for me. I'm not very good with tunes, much less verses."
"I doubt I am any better..."
"And I doubt that to be true. You don't have to if you don't want to, of course," she added quickly. "But I would appreciate it..."
"...I will try," Minerva said with some reluctance. "Just... do not expect anything wonderful."
Aeris smiled. "Thank you. I'm sure you'll do fine with it."
The girl shrugged uncomfortably.
"Oh, and I wanted to ask you if you knew when Sephiroth's birthday was...?"
She blinked. Surprise after surprise. "Why would it even matter...?"
Aeris laughed, apparently knowing how irrelevent the question sounded to Minerva. "Because I'd like to be able to throw him a birthday party. I know he never had any growing up."
She shook her head. Birthday party. How strange. "It is January 19th, anyway..."
"Thank you," the Cetra said, bowing her head, then getting to her feet. "That's all I wanted to bother you with... But Minerva--if you ever need someone to talk to..."
"Then I can come to you," she finished. "You offer your counsel to everyone, Aeris, but who do you run to when your mind is in turmoil?"
She smiled. "Don't worry about me. I find myself when I'm finding others. I can't help them if I don't even understand myself..."
"What about Sephiroth?" the girl prompted.
Aeris understood, of course, and shook her head. "I'm hesitating, I know... I've never fallen so quickly before. It's disorienting."
"You will find your bearings again."
"I think talking to you has helped a little, actually... but I need some time to think on my own, too."
Minerva nodded and watched her as she smiled a goodbye and disappeared down the ladder. She turned back to watching the village, frowning minutely. Love seemed to make things so complicated. Everything would be much simpler if this inexplicable feeling called 'love' did not exist. But then... wouldn't some argue that its absence would make everything dull?
Even so, she was not certain she wanted to get caught up in those kinds of emotions. That Reno seemed to be falling in love with her worried her greatly. What was she supposed to do with someone who loved her? What if she found herself incapable of loving him back? Afterall, what did she know of emotion?
She could see how it was tormenting Sephiroth. She did not want the same to happen to Reno. But what could she do to stop it? She sighed. Fate seemed rather cruel indeed.
Sephiroth sat on the edge of the steps, just before the entrance to the inner canyon. His eyes were on the few people around the Candle, but he paid them little attention. He was deep in thought, a wordless trail of jumps from facts to emotions to conclusion to correction and onward to yet another conclusion.
After an immeasurable amount of time, he withdrew somewhat from the trance-like state and blinked once, eyes refocusing. He looked at the Candle for a moment as if first seeing it, then shook his head and turned his gaze elsewhere.
What reasons do you have to hate Aeris, anyway? he asked Jenova, the question reflecting only part of his thoughts. Just because she is a Cetra...
She stole you away from me. Now you think all my words are lies.
Well, that is true enough. But, all you ever offered me before were half-truths and deceptions, while Aeris gives me the truth as she understands it.
What if my 'deceptions' are the truth as I understand it?
But can't you see the value of each individual? Can't you see that there are no generalizations that allow you to kill them all? Even those against whom your anger might be justified, you can find reason behind their actions, regret for them, misunderstanding, and out of that, it is possible to find forgiveness in yourself. But then, you don't understand that, do you?
I understand that you were the first person in two thousand years to even pay attention to me. And the only. Oh, certainly, Minerva will listen because I force her to. Occasionally, when she's feeling desperate, she'll toss ideas at me. But she never does anything remotely similar to caring.
He scoffed. Don't tell me you are lonely.
Shouldn't I be?
For all I know, you are just playing to my compassion.
You see? Even if I decided that I wanted to become what you consider good, I would never be able to do it. You would always consider it some elaborate deception. All of you would. So I can't change, you won't let me change, even if I want to change! You pretend to be so open, but you really can't understand each other. You just make up pretty half-truths so you can pretend to like each other. So you pretend to each other that you're oh-so-understanding, and in your hearts you just believe what you want to believe. Just like those Cetra did! They thought they were being so kind to me, but they were all lies, all lies, they never understood, they never let me explain it to them, never gave me a chance, and then they-- She stopped her rant suddenly, as though realizing all that she had said, all the things she had never said to anyone.
Now look what you've driven me to... she muttered.
He did not reply for a long time. It was shocking to hear Jenova speak this way. Strange to imagine her as a being with emotions. And yet, hadn't he once thought of her that way? Hadn't she, at some point, for whatever reasons, tried to show him some affection, some sympathy? Perhaps part of what she said was really truth. Most of it seemed more like half-truths that she had told herself and eventually come to believe. Justifications resulted from anger. In some ways, she seemed incredibly human. Sephiroth, too, had deceived himself in order to justify his actions. It was frightening and repulsing to compare himself to her, but he could not help but consider that perhaps they were alike in some ways.
But Jenova did not feel his guilt. She had not suffered as he had. And those were incredible differences. He felt more comfortable in noting these to himself.
You are close to your breaking point, aren't you? he asked finally.
...what do you mean? came her guarded reply. He had never known her to act guarded.
You cannot keep it up anymore. The single-minded attack on the humans and the Cetra. It's breaking you, to keep it up and think of nothing else.
Well, it doesn't help that you're being so cruel to me, she retorted spitefully.
You make constant threats to the woman I love. How else am I supposed to act towards you?
You killed the woman you love, and she forgave you for it. I haven't even come close to it, and already you condemn me for it?
Because you do not regret your threats. You have no desire to take them back. You cannot be forgiven unless you make an effort to deserve it.
And what did you do to show your sincerity, hmm?
I brought her back to life. Surely that is enough to show I wish I had not killed her in the first place.
Is it?
He scoffed. If you are that spiteful because of my attitude towards you, then perhaps you should sit and think on your own about why I despise you. Think about why everyone despises you. And, if you have them, think about your own emotions. Perhaps you will find them as unjustified as I do.
Jenova sat in the snow at the top of a slope, watching the children playing below her. She had taken on a human appearance--and a rather beautiful one at that--so she could come here without much notice. Her skin was pale, her hair a deep brown, quite near to ebony, with the quality of silk, but her eyes, though no one noticed them, were still a pale pink. She had wrapped herself in a heavy coat, more for the sake of appearance than because she was cold.
Fragile little human things, she thought as her gaze followed the children below. Their thick garments made them look stiff and stuffed and greatly hindered their movement. The snowman they were building was utterly pointless. Why weren't these infants learning all they could as Sephiroth had done? As the children of her own race had done? This play was useless.
And yet--they seemed to take such great pleasure at the useless accomplishment. Was that the only purpose then? To make them happy? She had never understood activities meant solely for bringing joy. Knowledge brought joy, power brought joy, purpose brought joy. And these little humans--they had none of it. They were content without it.
How in hell could they be so blithe?
They put so much value in 'friendship,' in 'understanding,' in 'love.' What they called those things anyway. But human emotions were so shallow, so fickle. They never really understood each other, only cared about each other because the other's presence amused them, only loved out of a combination of the so-called friendship and physical attraction. It was so obvious, so why couldn't Sephiroth see it?
He had too much human in him. He was too caught up in their emotions and pretty ideas. Only, she thought, perhaps he was actually capable of those emotions. Not some pretension like the humans made, but true emotions, true friendship, true understanding, true... love? She did not know about love. She had never grasped the concept herself. And what of this Aeris creature? Was she, too, capable of being what the humans only pretended at?
Perhaps that was why Sephiroth was so taken with her.
But the Cetra she had known--they were just like the humans. The same pretenses and the same ignorance. So how could this Aeris girl be so far superior to them? Or had the mating of human and Cetra somehow produced a worthy offspring? The girl was, afterall, just as brilliant as Sephiroth.
And both of them, both brilliant minds, believed that the humans were as deep as they claimed to be. And all of them condemned her. All of them labled her as evil without a single thought as to her motives. That right there should have been enough for them to start from. Couldn't they see what hypocrites they were? To pretend to be so accepting, and still shun her? Cast her out without hope of forgiveness, even though she was really no worse than Sephiroth? Couldn't they comprehend that she, too, had thought she was justified in killing such a petty race?
...not that she wanted or needed their forgiveness or acceptance. She had been quite fine without it. She only wished Sephiroth would realize his mistake and come back to her. She rather missed being able to talk civilly to someone. Minerva had been a pain from the start, always so stubborn.
Perhaps if she pretended to be 'human,' then Sephiroth would take her back.
He take her back? What was she thinking? He was lucky that she was still willing to take him back, though he didn't think of it that way. Still, she was terribly fond of the boy. Or at least, she had enjoyed the company of his thoughts. Even now, his responses to her were not nearly so cruel as Minerva's. Sometimes he was actually willing to listen. Almost like he wanted to understand her, as Aeris seemed to understand him.
But he hated her. He had said it many times and many ways. She thought perhaps she knew now why he valued acceptance so highly--the hatred hurt. With anyone else it was tolerable, but to have Sephiroth hate her did hurt. Unlike him, however, she was not going to change just for him.
Or was she?
Even if she changed, they would still come to kill her. 'Sorry,' they'd say, 'but this is for the good of the Planet. You've lived long enough, haven't you?' She was a parasite upon the Planet. If she lived, it would eventually die. If she died... the Planet would live, but she would not be able to live on it. Or was that all just a lie? Who could tell anyway?
But it did not matter anyway. She could die; she knew that. Sephiroth knew that.
So she was going to die. And her race would die with her. Those who she cared about most were going to kill her. It was a depressing thought. She wrapped her arms around her knees, a gesture she had seen Sephiroth do many times, when he was feeling vulnerable.
Part of her was very tired, tired of the suspicion, the hatred, tired of being doubted, of being alone. Sephiroth was all she had, and he hated her. But wasn't loneliness a human idea? Or had her kind simply never thought of it because their very physical nature would never allow them to be alone?
It's over, Jenova. Yes, it was over. But she wasn't about to go without a fight. And she wanted to go in her own way. Standing, she turned and vanished from sight, leaving all who had remarked on her presence startled and mystified.
Author's Notes: More talking. @.x They all have so many things they want to say! It's not my fault I tell you!