A/N: Has the suspense been near killing you yet? Buahahahaha. Let all be revealed! And I don't own Kingdom Hearts, the reference from UltimaMoOgle's fic (Subliminal message: READ IT! READ IT!), Vanilla Coke, the reference from TNSK, the $2 shop, Twinkies, Hamtaro, Marilyn Monroe, FFX, FFVIII, FFVII, The Matrix, Austin Powers, the "For Dummies" series, the old lady, Lord of the Rings, Robbie Williams, or Star Wars. You have been warned, there are WAY too many influences on this chapter.
"I AM THE ALMIGHTY LORD SAURON, OWNER OF THE ONE RING!"
"... Crap." Riku sighed, "It's his evil twin!"
"Sauron's his TWIN?!" Ansem shrieked with glee. Sauron was the GOD of evil guys (next to Darth Vader, of course).
"No, he just has multiple personalities."
"Oh."
The two looked out the window (Kuja had gone off somewhere), at new island that had appeared out of nowhere.
"How the hell did that get there?" Riku asked.
"It was there all along! The island doesn't bend, it is you that bends!"
Ansem had been into the Vanilla Coke, it seemed. AND he had been watching The Matrix. Scary combination.
"But... where's Sora?"
Ansem frowned. "I saw Kairi go through that door a few hours ago, maybe she's up to something."
The young bishounen looked to the door that led to the cove. "Okay, I'll check it out."
A few minutes later, after saving the fish from Tidus and eating some more Gummi Block cereal, he stood at the door.
"Here goes nothing..." Riku muttered, opened it, and stepped through.
"What the-?!" He yelled, as a strange smelly rag was pushed over his face.
Back in Ansem's Castle...
"That's odd, he should be back by now!" Ansem kicked the wall, sighing. "If he's not back soon-" He checked the time, "Oh my! Hamtaro's on!"
So he forgot about the boy's daring quest.
Meanwhile, where Kairi is...
"There is a grave disturbance in the force." Kairi said to the leagues of Disney villains she had gotten on such short notice, that sat around her "round table". "Any questions?"
"Darth Kairi, how will we get the keyblade master? What if he learns the ways of the Matrix before we find him?" A random nameless thief asked.
Kairi glared at him. "NEVER QUESTION ME!" She shrieked, pressed a button on the "round table", and he fell down into the fiery pits of Mary Sueness below. "Anyone else curious?"
They all shook their heads, fearing for their lives.
Meanwhile yet again, where Riku is...
"What? Where am I?" Riku asked, painfully waking up from forced slumber. Unfortunately, since he was gagged, it came out as "Mmm? Mpph mm m?" He also noted that he was blindfolded. For all that was holy, it couldn't be related to the secret ending.
"You're awake!" A familiar voice squealed, "I can perform the sending now!"
Then it hit Riku. It was Sora, and Sora had been playing too much FFX.
"Smmph! Mmmm!" [Sora! No!] He screamed/mmphed. Sora couldn't perform for a rubber duck, let alone a sending!
Poor Riku, what oh WHAT will happen to him now?
Anyway, back with Ansem...
Who was doing something that looked like a cross between an Irish jig and the Hamtaro dance.
Since I do NOT want to even imagine that, let's check how Kairi's doing.
"Darth Kairi! The death star is going according to plan!" Another nameless thief reported.
Kairi, now clad in a catwoman-esque outfit (complete with ears and tail, and a smaller, more feminine version of Vader's mask), smiled. "Good. Now GO BEFORE I KILL YOU!"
The nameless thief fled.
"Now that he's gone..." She walked over to the stereo, smiling strangely. "ROBBIE WILLIAMS!" Kairi shrieked in a high fangirly voice and turned on "Let love be your energy".
Meanwhile YET AGAIN...
We see an old lady cheerleading. That will (hopefully) not be a plot point later on.
Moving on...
Riku was still gagged, but tied to a wall thingy (think of that thing Squall was on at the beginning of disc two - FFVIII), while Sora sat on the ground, eating a donut and reading "Sendings for Dummies".
"Smmp, phhh! M mmph mmmm mmph mm Hmphms mmm!" [Sora, please! I was kidding about the Heartless thing!] Riku attempted to plea. He was STILL wearing the Heartless outfit, though.
"Don't worry, Riku! I'll save you from Ansem!" Sora promised, "Even if it means going to extreme measures!"
Riku shut his eyes tight. Whatever Sora was "planning", he knew it was going to involve senseless nudity, violence, and cross dressing.
Back to Ansem, who wasn't dancing anymore...
"Riku's been gone for a whole hour!" He then went deep into thought. "Hmm... I sense a great disturbance in the l33t... Come, guardian!"
His guardian appeared behind him, dressed up like Marilyn Monroe (Riku was right!). "Ansem!" He said in an overly feminine voice, "I was just in the middle of 'Diamonds'!"
"Oh, stop whining!" Ansem growled, "I've got a job for you! Now take off the wig, the tiara, the dress, the perfume... where exactly did you GET that stuff, anyway?"
"Cloud gave it to me." The guardian said defensively.
Ansem sighed. "I TOLD you to stay away from him! Look, all I want you to do is find Riku. Understood?"
"Yes, sir..." And off guardian went.
At Kairi's lair...
Kairi, who was meditating in mid-air, and about to reveal the meaning to life when...
"DARTH KAIRI!!! There's a problem!"
The red-head screamed, attacking the nameless person and then kicking them out the window with her secret martial arts moves. "HI-YAHHHHH!"
Once she was sure that the intruder was dead, Kairi got out her worn copy of "So you want to take over the universe to spite an old lover" and started to read.
More specifically, she began to read Chapter XVI - Jealousy. A whole chapter dedicated to making your plans of universal domination so unique and exotic to make your ex jealous. Sold at all bad bookstores, $199.99 + GST, courtesy of "Thisisnotarealpublisherlabelbutyouknewthat productions".
Back to our daring hero and the guy that's unwittingly attempting to kill him...
"So basically, all I really need is a long stick and Riku to have good medical insurance..." Sora mentally noted, still reading the book.
Riku's eyes widened as large as dinner plates. What exactly was Sora planning? He was about to find out.
Sora snapped the book shut. "Okay Riku, this is what we're gonna do. After lighting all these oriental scented incense sticks I got from the $2 shop, I'm going to burn the Heartless uniform off you. The smell should release Ansem's spirit from you, and then I can perform the sending."
The older boy had had enough. Spitting out his twinkie gag, he growled. "SORA, YOU CAN'T BURN THE OUTFIT!"
"I know, Riku!" Sora had a far-off look in his eye, "But in order to save you from Ansem-"
"ANSEM'S NOT FREAKING CONTROLLING ME!"
Suddenly, a huge explosion came from the other room.
"What... was that?" Sora asked, frightened.
Riku thought for a minute, then gasped. "It must be..."
A/N: Yet another cliff-hanger. Of course, this one's easier to guess than last chapter's... or is it?
"I AM THE ALMIGHTY LORD SAURON, OWNER OF THE ONE RING!"
"... Crap." Riku sighed, "It's his evil twin!"
"Sauron's his TWIN?!" Ansem shrieked with glee. Sauron was the GOD of evil guys (next to Darth Vader, of course).
"No, he just has multiple personalities."
"Oh."
The two looked out the window (Kuja had gone off somewhere), at new island that had appeared out of nowhere.
"How the hell did that get there?" Riku asked.
"It was there all along! The island doesn't bend, it is you that bends!"
Ansem had been into the Vanilla Coke, it seemed. AND he had been watching The Matrix. Scary combination.
"But... where's Sora?"
Ansem frowned. "I saw Kairi go through that door a few hours ago, maybe she's up to something."
The young bishounen looked to the door that led to the cove. "Okay, I'll check it out."
A few minutes later, after saving the fish from Tidus and eating some more Gummi Block cereal, he stood at the door.
"Here goes nothing..." Riku muttered, opened it, and stepped through.
"What the-?!" He yelled, as a strange smelly rag was pushed over his face.
Back in Ansem's Castle...
"That's odd, he should be back by now!" Ansem kicked the wall, sighing. "If he's not back soon-" He checked the time, "Oh my! Hamtaro's on!"
So he forgot about the boy's daring quest.
Meanwhile, where Kairi is...
"There is a grave disturbance in the force." Kairi said to the leagues of Disney villains she had gotten on such short notice, that sat around her "round table". "Any questions?"
"Darth Kairi, how will we get the keyblade master? What if he learns the ways of the Matrix before we find him?" A random nameless thief asked.
Kairi glared at him. "NEVER QUESTION ME!" She shrieked, pressed a button on the "round table", and he fell down into the fiery pits of Mary Sueness below. "Anyone else curious?"
They all shook their heads, fearing for their lives.
Meanwhile yet again, where Riku is...
"What? Where am I?" Riku asked, painfully waking up from forced slumber. Unfortunately, since he was gagged, it came out as "Mmm? Mpph mm m?" He also noted that he was blindfolded. For all that was holy, it couldn't be related to the secret ending.
"You're awake!" A familiar voice squealed, "I can perform the sending now!"
Then it hit Riku. It was Sora, and Sora had been playing too much FFX.
"Smmph! Mmmm!" [Sora! No!] He screamed/mmphed. Sora couldn't perform for a rubber duck, let alone a sending!
Poor Riku, what oh WHAT will happen to him now?
Anyway, back with Ansem...
Who was doing something that looked like a cross between an Irish jig and the Hamtaro dance.
Since I do NOT want to even imagine that, let's check how Kairi's doing.
"Darth Kairi! The death star is going according to plan!" Another nameless thief reported.
Kairi, now clad in a catwoman-esque outfit (complete with ears and tail, and a smaller, more feminine version of Vader's mask), smiled. "Good. Now GO BEFORE I KILL YOU!"
The nameless thief fled.
"Now that he's gone..." She walked over to the stereo, smiling strangely. "ROBBIE WILLIAMS!" Kairi shrieked in a high fangirly voice and turned on "Let love be your energy".
Meanwhile YET AGAIN...
We see an old lady cheerleading. That will (hopefully) not be a plot point later on.
Moving on...
Riku was still gagged, but tied to a wall thingy (think of that thing Squall was on at the beginning of disc two - FFVIII), while Sora sat on the ground, eating a donut and reading "Sendings for Dummies".
"Smmp, phhh! M mmph mmmm mmph mm Hmphms mmm!" [Sora, please! I was kidding about the Heartless thing!] Riku attempted to plea. He was STILL wearing the Heartless outfit, though.
"Don't worry, Riku! I'll save you from Ansem!" Sora promised, "Even if it means going to extreme measures!"
Riku shut his eyes tight. Whatever Sora was "planning", he knew it was going to involve senseless nudity, violence, and cross dressing.
Back to Ansem, who wasn't dancing anymore...
"Riku's been gone for a whole hour!" He then went deep into thought. "Hmm... I sense a great disturbance in the l33t... Come, guardian!"
His guardian appeared behind him, dressed up like Marilyn Monroe (Riku was right!). "Ansem!" He said in an overly feminine voice, "I was just in the middle of 'Diamonds'!"
"Oh, stop whining!" Ansem growled, "I've got a job for you! Now take off the wig, the tiara, the dress, the perfume... where exactly did you GET that stuff, anyway?"
"Cloud gave it to me." The guardian said defensively.
Ansem sighed. "I TOLD you to stay away from him! Look, all I want you to do is find Riku. Understood?"
"Yes, sir..." And off guardian went.
At Kairi's lair...
Kairi, who was meditating in mid-air, and about to reveal the meaning to life when...
"DARTH KAIRI!!! There's a problem!"
The red-head screamed, attacking the nameless person and then kicking them out the window with her secret martial arts moves. "HI-YAHHHHH!"
Once she was sure that the intruder was dead, Kairi got out her worn copy of "So you want to take over the universe to spite an old lover" and started to read.
More specifically, she began to read Chapter XVI - Jealousy. A whole chapter dedicated to making your plans of universal domination so unique and exotic to make your ex jealous. Sold at all bad bookstores, $199.99 + GST, courtesy of "Thisisnotarealpublisherlabelbutyouknewthat productions".
Back to our daring hero and the guy that's unwittingly attempting to kill him...
"So basically, all I really need is a long stick and Riku to have good medical insurance..." Sora mentally noted, still reading the book.
Riku's eyes widened as large as dinner plates. What exactly was Sora planning? He was about to find out.
Sora snapped the book shut. "Okay Riku, this is what we're gonna do. After lighting all these oriental scented incense sticks I got from the $2 shop, I'm going to burn the Heartless uniform off you. The smell should release Ansem's spirit from you, and then I can perform the sending."
The older boy had had enough. Spitting out his twinkie gag, he growled. "SORA, YOU CAN'T BURN THE OUTFIT!"
"I know, Riku!" Sora had a far-off look in his eye, "But in order to save you from Ansem-"
"ANSEM'S NOT FREAKING CONTROLLING ME!"
Suddenly, a huge explosion came from the other room.
"What... was that?" Sora asked, frightened.
Riku thought for a minute, then gasped. "It must be..."
A/N: Yet another cliff-hanger. Of course, this one's easier to guess than last chapter's... or is it?