The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware
by Mizalaye
Beginning Notes: The parody of "Do You Hear the People Sing?" is not written by me. It is written by SapphireRose, who's parody-ing skills are far greater than mine. Thank you, m'dear!
Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to Lady Eowyn for putting randomness into reviews. As you can see, it has an interesting habit of wandering into the story…
Chapter Seven: In Which Things Get Even More Weird
The scene changed…yet again.
Anagorn found herself perched atop a boulder, pipe in hand. Ew! Recoiling from the disgusting object, she nearly dropped it before realizing that it wasn't packed full of lung-congesting pipeweed, as she had thought. Actually, it was a bubble pipe. With a shrug, Anagorn raised the pipe to her lips and began thoughtfully blowing bubbles.
Off to Anagorn's right, Frodo and Sam were arguing – again – about whether or not Frodo was getting strep throat. Below her, Boromir was teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword fight. Or, at least, he's supposed to be teaching them how to sword fight…
True, Merry's sword was drawn, but the hobbit held it awkwardly at waist height, the tip wobbling. "Don't…don't come near me!" he demanded, eyes and voice filled with fear. Slowly, the terrified hobbit backed away from Boromir and the man's massive sword. Unfortunately, he backed up right into Camli.
"Going somewhere, Master Hobbit?" she asked calmly.
Merry jumped higher than Anagorn would have thought possible for a hobbit, coming down facing Camli, short sword still extended. Fortunately, Camli leapt backward just in time to avoid being impaled by the sword.
Pippin, on the other hand, was running circles around Boromir, forcing the man to spin quickly in order to parry the hobbit's attacks. The Man of Gondor was beginning to look decidedly dizzy.
"If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I note they're not, I'd say we were taking the long way 'round," Camli commented, eyes fixed on Merry, who was now backing away from her, too. "We could pass through the mines of Moria." Camli was quite glad she was the first to say the name of the dwarven realm – maybe the name wouldn't get messed up that way.
"No, Camli," Gandalf responded. "I would not pass through the mines unless I had no other choice." The wizard returned to studying his laptop screen.
Suddenly, a group of about eleven college-age men dressed in 19th century French clothing charged across the top of the hill, causing Merry to shriek and duck under a rock. The Frenchmen were carrying boards of various sizes, and they began assembling a barricade, using the natural rocks as starting points. Then, they began singing.
"Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade!"
One of the Frenchmen leapt atop a boulder and belted out, "Let them come with their legions and they will be met!"
A tall, blonde man, who was clearly the leader, sang, "Have faith in yourselves and don't be afraid."
"What's that?" Sam asked, pointing to the sky. Everybody, including the barricade-builders, turned to look.
"It's just a wisp of cloud," Camli replied. Turning away, she muttered, "Sure, it's just a wisp of cloud. Wisp of evil birds, maybe!"
"It's moving fast." Boromir stuck his forefinger into his mouth and held it up in the air, checking the wind direction. "It's moving against the wind."
"Thank you for pointing that out," Sam snapped irritably.
"Crebain from Dunland!" Katholas cried.
"Hide!" Anagorn yelled.
The revolutionary students from Les Misérables, for that was who the barricade-builders were, screamed and ran away down the hill.
Pippin started after them, yelling, "You forgot your barricade!" Boromir grabbed him by the collar and dragged him under cover.
"I'm not moving." Sam crossed his arms defiantly across his chest and remained where he was.
"Sam, get under cover!" Anagorn ordered, grabbing Frodo.
"No." The hobbit clearly was not going to budge.
With a shrug, Anagorn abandoned the hobbit to his fate.
A man dressed in black pants and a black shirt that read, "Lord of the Rings Tech Crew" sprinted in and dumped a bucket of water onto the campfire, extinguishing it, and then ran off again.
The three girls blinked in surprise.
A moment later, the flock of birds began circling the hilltop. They were…singing…
~*~ "Do you hear the birdies sing?
Singing the song of angry fowl,
It is the music of the crebain
Who are always on the prowl…" ~*~
"Oh, shut up!" snapped Sam, who was still sitting out in the open.
Every single bird stopped moving for a moment. Then, in complete silence, they flew away.
The Fellowship emerged from hiding. Anagorn, Katholas, and Camli all stared at Sam in complete shock. Then, Camli turned to the other two. "I'm telling you, somebody spiked the popcorn!"
Katholas looked off in the direction the birds had disappeared. "I'm beginning to think you're right."
"MapQuest says the next-fastest route is over Caradhras," Gandalf informed them.
Everybody groaned.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
"I'm going to catch pneumonia!" Frodo stated emphatically as the Fellowship plodded up the slopes of Caradhras. The other eight travelers rolled their eyes.
"You are not going to catch pneumonia, Master Frodo," Sam stated for what had to be the eighty-fifth time. "You're wearing a nice, warm coat –"
Frodo cut him off. "I'm already sick, and I'm coming down with pneumonia! I know I am! Here, listen to me cough." He let out a deep, raspy - and clearly faked - hacking cough. Suddenly, his feet slipped and he rolled down the hill, coming to a stop at Anagorn's feet. "See! Now I'm all covered in snow, and my body temperature is going to drop and I'm going get hypothermia and pneumonia and…" Suddenly Frodo realized that nobody was listening – they were all staring at Boromir, who had just picked up the Ring from the snow.
"It's so pretty…" Boromir was clearly entranced by the glitter of light off the Ring.
"Wee!!!!!!!" A rather large penguin slid down the slope beside the Fellowship. As it passed, the penguin waved its wing at them.
Everybody except Boromir, who was still staring at the Ring, blinked in shock.
"Did you see the penguin slide down the hill, Merry? It looks like fun to slide down the hill. Do you want to slide down the hill with me, Merry?" Pippin was off again.
Merry, however, was backing away from where the penguin had been, eyes wide with fear.
"Shut up, Pippin!" Sam snapped.
Pippin ignored both Sam and Merry. "Camli, will you slide down the hill with me? The penguin slid down the – mmph!"
Yet again, Camli slapped a hand over Pippin's mouth.
"Boromir, give the Ring to Frodo," Anagorn ordered, attempting to regain control of the situation.
"It's so little…" Boromir reached his other hand up to touch the Ring.
"Boromir!"
The man of Gondor plodded down to where Frodo stood. "I don't care." He handed Frodo the Ring and then ruffled his hair.
As he walked away, Anagorn realized that she had, without noticing, clenched her hand firmly around the hilt of her butter knife. Some help that would be, she told herself with a morbid laugh.
The next thing any of the Fellowship knew, they were forcing a path through snow up to Anagorn and Boromir's waists. Poor Camli seemed to be always deeper in the snow, even though she looked only a little shorter than Anagorn. Katholas found that, true to the script, she could walk atop the drifts.
"And now, my dear dwarf," she said to Camli with an impish smirk, "I have my revenge for all the comments you made at the Council."
"Stuff it," Camli muttered, plowing through the snow in front of her.
Katholas laughed. Then, with a sudden grin, she scooped up a snowball and tossed it easily onto Camli's head.
"That's it, Madam Elf," Camli sputtered. As fast as she could, she packed her own snowball and flung it at her friend.
The snowball battle that followed was rather one-sided; Katholas was far more maneuverable and was aiming down, while Camli was mired in the narrow trench and trying to fling her icy missiles up and out of it. However, after a minute, Pippin joined Camli's side. When Saruman's voice reached Katholas' ears a few minutes later, all three of them were breathless and covered in snow.
"There is a fell voice on the air," Katholas called with a barely suppressed grin.
Gandalf ran a lightning-fast voice analysis with his laptop. "It's Saruman!" he cried as an avalanche buried the Fellowship.
Anagorn clawed her way free of the snow, spitting and sputtering. "That is definitely NOT a rice-based snow substitute!"
Suddenly, the three girls found themselves back in the Mirror. On the screen, Saruman was intoning, "Moria. You fear to enter thothe mineth. You know that you cannot get internet thervithe down in the depthth."
"Internet service?" Katholas repeated. "Gandalf's entire reasoning for not going to Moria is that he can't get internet service?
"Does it really surprise you?" Anagorn asked.
Katholas shrugged. "You have a…"
The three girls reappeared in the snow.
"…point," Katholas finished.
"Never trust MapQuest," Gandalf muttered, staring at his laptop screen. "Let the Ringbearer decide, though."
"We go through the mines," Frodo voted immediately. "Maybe if I get out of the snow, I won't get too severe a case of pneumonia."
Everybody rolled their eyes.
Ending Notes: This chapter is a bit short, but there's no good place to break for a while…so the next chapter will probably be fairly long. If you've enjoyed your foray into the randomness that is my writing, please review and let me know! If you have suggestions or corrections, or just random comments, please review and give them to me! If you've absolutely hated this fic…well, feel free to review, but know that all flames will be used later in the story! =o) Thank you to those who have already reviewed!
Insanely long disclaimer: The students and the song "Building the Barricade" from Les Misérables belong to Cameron Mackintosh, Ltd. So does the original song "Do You Hear the People Sing?" The parody "Do You Hear the Birdies Sing?" is written by and belongs to SapphireRose. MapQuest belongs to itself. The penguin belongs to Lady Eowyn, I suppose. The rice-based snow substituted belongs to the actual LotR movie people. None of the above belong to me, and most of them are used without permission. Everything else belongs to me.
Figure – Thank you for taking the time to review all my chapters! I'm glad you're enjoying this fic so much…*laughs hysterically* Can I use that lightbulb idea? I love it! It's so perfect!
Karita-chan – I'm glad you like it. Thank you for reviewing! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, too.
SapphireRose – I figured you would get a kick out of the Michael Ball thing. I hope you like the resurrection of Camli silencing Pippin (it fit too well…I had to use it again). Thank you again for the song parody! =o)
Lady Eowyn – I'm glad you thought it was so funny, and I hope you don't mind that your penguin appeared in the story (I did warn you about random reviews, after all!) I hope you liked this chapter, too!
Elven Princess – May I ask why you and Figure share an obsession with pineapples? Is this on purpose, or does randomness simply spread in odd ways? Anyways, to answer your questions: in the original theatrical release of Fellowship, during the "If I go one more step…" scene, a car drove past in the very back of the shot; the last thing Aragorn says to Arwen before she gets on the horse to take Frodo to Rivendell doesn't have a subtitle – that's because it's "I love you" in Danish; and the Impressive Clergyman is the priest-looking guy who "marries" Humperdink and Buttercup in the movie The Princess Bride. Thank you for reviewing!
ElfWarrior – I agree with you – more Legolas footage is always a good thing! But that scene just cracks me up! Thank you for reviewing…I hope you liked this installment, too!
Annungwathiel – Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad you're enjoying so far…I hope you liked this chapter, too!