Aud's FBI Gossip Newsletter:
Memo from Agent Sileams:
Okay, first of all: NO ONE on the mailing list is to let a copy of this weekly newsletter out of her sight, not to point any fingers at a certain agent--Cough Agent Dyscull Cough--well, anyway. If I find out again that Assistant Director Skinner found a copy of the gossip page lying out, so help me God, I will hunt. You. Down. Now that we're all clear on the life and death points, let's get on with the gossip.
Rumor has it that supposedly deceased Agent Jeffrey Spender and a Marita Covarrubias were last seen in Horeton, Nebraska. Research indicates they were relocated by the Witness Protection Program, and are living under the names Izza and Ima Frugdud. I stumbled onto reports of complaints phoned in by several of their neighbors. Some interesting ones are the following:
"They seem like a really nice couple. But I do wish that they wouldn't 'romp in the flowers'--if you know what I mean--in their backyard so much when the children are coming home from school."
--Aggie the PTO president
"Well, I don't know what the hell they do when the lights go out, but with all that damn moaning and groaning, you'd think they were runnin' a damn whorehouse."
--Buddy the eternal pessimist
"I've seen a lot of weird stuff while picking up the trash, and I mean a lot, but that all pales in comparison when you look at some of the stuff in their trash can. Who on God's green earth uses--sorry, eats--that much whipped cream, chocolate syrup, strawberry jam, and cherry filling in one week?!"
--Oscar the trash collector
Fact: The house's sole occupants are Mr. and Mrs. "Frugdud."
Well, well, well. A glimpse in to the obviously extremely kinky sex life of those two. So who's ready for some more?
Employing the help and technology of fellow newsletter publishers, I--a friend--well, okay, it was me--was able to plant a camcorder in everyone's favorite A. D.'s office. And Oh My God, was some strange stuff going on in there.
Apparently, the A. D. is, um, involved with an agent, although this is unusual for an Assistant Director to do. He is also involved with a rather shadowy, cigarette-smoking man. However, it has been determined that both this man and A. D. Skinner are indeed straight. It's the brunette, female agent that is a closet bisexual.
Who wants to venture a guess as to who that would be? Aw, hell, it's just more shocking if I tell ya. IT'S SPECIAL AGENT DIANA FOWLEY!!!!!!!! Women, if she comes within, oh let's say, five feet of you, I have one piece of advice. RUN!!! RUN FROM THE OOGALY BIATCH!!! Unless you're into that kinda thing. But even if you are, you'll feel dirty after you hear what's she's done.
Back to the camera. Five out of five working days, the camera has recorded some unusual behavior going on in the office after hours. They say the camera never lies, and in this case, They're right. Let it be known that Assistant Director Skinner, Special Agent Diana Fowley, and the unnamed Smoking Man took--take part in extremely graphic and kinky sex in the A. D.'s office involving handcuffs, cooking oil, gingerbread men, and occasionally a fourth party every day of the work week! The fourth party is a physical education teacher from a high school in Verdad, Illinois by the name of Kerry Ice. When the foursome is, um, talking dirty, they refer to each other as "Skinnuh", "CSB" (cigarette smoking bastard), the "oogaly biatch", and the "bloody bitch" (Don't forget the British accent!) respectively.
I'm sure we all needed to hear that about the A. D., but when I have info, I gotta use it.
Our next story comes from that high school in Verdad. I know some of the students, and when they relayed this frightening sex tale, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to use it in our newsletter.
The biology teacher, a Ms. Jane Paloma, has apparently been having an affair with homeroom teacher "Bubba" Lawyer. However, unbeknownst to her, he's cheating on her with the English teacher, whose name has not been given, but students refer to her as "Mama Schubs." Paloma is known as the "blond bitch." Mr. Lawyer only has his own nickname.
On with the story. One day after school, my two contacts decided they were going to snoop around Paloma's room and look for some chemicals. When they got there, they almost had heart attacks. The blond bitch was doing several unspeakable, sexual acts with Bubba, but that's not all. With my help, they were able to identify several other pairs of people we all know and love. Yeah right.
A. D. Skinner, Agent Fowley, and the bloody bitch were there as a threesome; Agent Jeffrey "Izza" Spender and Marita "Ima" Covarrubias were doing the wild thing on a lab table while munching--among other things--on Tootsie Rolls; the unnamed Smoking Man was attempting to persuade Teena Mulder to have sex with him by 'fingering' the underside of her neck in an extremely sick and twisted way; hiding behind the teacher's lab table was an unknown friend of Agent Mulder's and a short redheaded stripper (presumably an early 'present' for the short little man with the funny hair and glasses from Agent Mulder), who were doin' some pretty kinky stuff--but hey, 'I like kinky!' to quote an agent in Vegas; and last but not least, in a corner of the room, we had Maggie Scully and one Phillip "I-steal-people's-hearts-literally" Padgett gettin' it on.
Now as if that isn't traumatic enough for the poor teenagers, they run out of the room and into Mama Schubs, who lets them in on a little secret: She'd had a feeling Bubba was cheating on her with Jane, so she hooked up a camcorder in each of the four corners of Paloma's classroom. The girls screamed and ran into the storage closet, where they were unobserved as they saw--guess who--Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
The two agents were apparently experimenting with some leather whips and a pair of heart-shaped handcuffs, as well as a pair of red, fur-trimmed ones. The girls also spied a few containers of whipped cream sitting off to the side. The pair were also trying out a different wardrobe, as Agent Scully was wearing a short, short black leather skirt and a matching halter top, and Agent Mulder was wearing a brown, leather loincloth.
But that's not all. I guess Mulder had told the short man with the stripper that he was gonna be gettin' some in the closet, and I'm assuming naturally the lil man thought of Scully, and decided to plant a camcorder in there.
I of course, paid the girls a nice little sum to collect the tapes for me, and blackmail tapes are now available. Come see me for more info.
Three words for y'all here: Oh, My, Gawd!!!! After I listened to them, I thought, 'Aw, jeez.'
Our last story comes once again from the basement office that we all have heard so much about lately.
I was walking down to return some case files to Agents Mulder and Scully when I heard some strange noises coming from behind the door. It was open a crack, so I thought, 'Hey, what the hell?' and peeked in. Mulder and the already-mentioned Phillip Padgett were wearing some tight leather pants. Well, now that I think about it, they weren't actually wearing them. There was a pile of black leather on the desk, but I know tight leather pants when I see 'em. The guys were in da buff, and Scully there had herself a man-wich, baby! Of course, I couldn't help taking out my handy dandy Polaroid camera and snapping a couple shots of the guys before they realized someone was there. As soon as those two extremely fine male specimens jumped up, I was already haulin' ass up the stairs.
Damn, is Agent Scully gonna be pissed off when she finds out that yummy Mr. Padgett is cheating on her with her mother.
In the international smut section:
It has been discovered that the second biggest bi Diana Fowley and the biggest bi Kerry Ice were in an airport gift store, where they purchased six boxes of Twinkies. They then caught the six o'clock flight to Tunisia. Upon landing, they rented a car and hightailed it to the Smoking Man's hideout in the corn field. There, the two, along with the CSB, performed at least four extremely nasty sexual acts that were made even nastier by the use of the boxes of Twinkies. I don't even want to think about what they were used for.
Later, seen going into the "Twinkie shack" were young Jeffrey Spender and his wife Marita Covarrubias. They were carrying a box with several pairs of handcuffs hanging over the side and at least ten bottles of chocolate syrup inside.
Also seen entering the building were a Well-Manicured Man who spoke with a British accent, Miz Phoebe "I'm-from-Britain" Green, and Ms. Jane Paloma of Verdad, Illinois. Apparently the British fellow required the blond bitch to speak with a British accent. Witnesses say it was a really, really bad one. They brought with them blueberry pie filling and whipped cream. Witnesses also report that apparently they were all "f king like there was no tomorrow."
Definitely something you should not read about during meals.
Our final international story involves one of our own agents. She works in my department, and is also a reporter for this newsletter.
Special Agent Rosalyn Dyscull was seen in Russia with ex-agent Alex Krycek. It's rumored that she was, uh, massaging his one good "arm." In return, he gave her a one-handed back and neck rub. The pair then "spent the night" in Alex's three room cabin in the woods.
Way to go, Agent Roz! Congratulations on your promotion from "Sex Goddess" to "Kinky Sex Goddess."
And that concludes this week's edition of the Newsletter, also known as the 'Who's Screwin' Who Page.' Holy shit. Y'know what I just realized? If this much screwin' has gone on this past week, just imagine what next week's edition is gonna look like. And, damn, do I like the word 'kinky.' Agent Roz Dyscull, please report to the Editor's office for smutmongering, ASAP. See y'all later!
Special Agent Aud Sileams