The inevitable confrontation of Logan and Max in VS3.
"So, when were you going to tell me?" she asked carefully as she leaned on his doorframe into his office.
He studies her carefully. He doesn't want to assume he knows what she's talking about, but the inevitable is clearly facing him now.
"I don't know Max. I didn't exactly make a plan yet." he exhales, wondering what to say next.
Max rights herself from the doorframe and takes measured steps until she is standing in front of him. She inhales as if to speak, then exhales. She doesn't really know what to say either.
Their eyes lock. They have been down this road before. She gently puts her hand on his forearm as it rests on the computer chair arm.
Finally, she speaks. " I'll do whatever you want. I'll be wherever you want me to be."
He looks at her. "Thanks Max."
She holds her hands out to him and he takes her small, strong hands into his. She gently tugs on him to rise. He inhales deeply, then rises slowly, pain etching into his blue eyes.
"I guess I didn't want to see it before." she says as she looks down at her feet.
"Yeah, I didn't want you to see it either." he says softly. He motions for her to join him on the couch with a bottle of wine. His steps are slow and deliberate. She watches now, with the efficiency of a military re-con soldier. She shakes her head in disbelief at her own ability of avoid what has been in front of her, for what now, a month? Perhaps she is becoming too human, she thinks, using the infamous 'denial' so well.
Logan sits slowly on the couch, wondering now if every time he sits, will he ever be able to stand. He moves his foot; his own personal assurance that it's not quite over yet. Max sits in the chair, facing him, studying him.
She leans forward, resting her arms on the thighs. She is ready to absorb all of this, and she will not stop now until it has all come out. Logan recognizes the body language and prepares himself mentally for the "debriefing" his girlfriend will require from him.
"So, medically, let's begin there." she says without inflection.
Logan watches the deep chocolate eyes absorb all that he tells her about the miracle cure, and the miracle failure. When he has finished, she leans back in her chair. Minutes pass before she speaks.
"I love you." she says evenly. It is not what he expected to hear, but the feeling of comfort that has washed over him leaves him speechless. He looks at her and nods.
He gestures to the wine. She opens the bottle and manages to contort the cork into an unrecognizable shape. He smiles as she pours. She hands him a glass and proposes a toast.
"To our road together. It may not be smooth, but it's ours." she clinks his glass so lightly that he's not even sure they touched. He smiles at her toast, then drinks deeply. Finally, he speaks.
"Max, all that I can say, I believe you already know. If I tried to push you away, I believe you wouldn't let me. I can't say that I feel okay with any of this. I feel lost again, but overall, I know I want you with me." he cannot lift his gaze to meet her eyes.
"Thank you for letting me hear that. I needed to hear it. And Logan. . . I know there is nothing that can be said now to take away this hurt that you feel, and that I feel for you. I just want you to feel loved by me."
"If I could run from this, I would." he says as he looks out the window at the fog descending on the city.
"If running could stop this from catching up to you, I'd do it with you." she says as she swirls her wine delicately in her glass. She is hearing what he isn't saying and understands. She herself has felt cages, hell as been caged, enough times in her life to know that if a chance to run presented itself, she would take off and never look back. Even now, the mere thought of Logan's fate made her nerves fire. She was starting to feel the need for her Ninja, but no, not tonight. She would not run when he needed her. She would wait.
"Logan, how long. . ." she wasn't sure it was a question she should have asked.
"I honestly don't know. I doctor sees a rapid deterioration, so soon, it seems, but as far as a week, two weeks, I can't say."
Max felt her stomach lurch. Logan's attitude was so steady, so even, so military. Maybe he had done his grieving already. Maybe he was just trying to get through the waiting with some shred of sanity. She was having trouble matching his composure. She stood suddenly and walked toward the window. She faced the cold glass and breathed deeply. She would not allow tears to form under her lashes. Damn it, she was a military fighting machine, and if she willed herself to do something, or in this case, not do something, then that's how it goes down. That was before, she thought ruefully, that was before she met Cale. The warm hand on her shoulder jolted her out of her trance. She leaned back, ever so slightly, unsure of the weight his body could bare. But for the moment, she would enjoy his strong chest pressing against her back.
"I know it's a lot to take in." he said as he wrapped his arms around her narrow waist. He could feel her taut abdomen and firm muscles running down the length of her hips.
"No, Logan," she said spinning around to face him. "Don't you worry about me. Not for a second. I'm okay." she smiled and he returned with one of his own. They were both faking it, he thought, and not doing a good job. He wondered who would break down first, or at all. Max, after all, was strong and could school herself to be detached if warranted. He, on the other hand, was raised to push emotion way down below the surface. He was well practiced at pretending it didn't exist at all.
"Let's go to bed. I'm so tired." he whispered into her velvety hair. With that, she turned and led him into his bedroom.
When dawn finally broke, Max was relieved. Night was so tough for her. The waiting. She was recharged after only two or three hours. She needed to get out of there for a while. She needed to run, or get to her motorcycle. She slowly climbed over Logan's sleeping form and slipped into a black turtleneck and black exercise pants. The irony was not lost on her that she looked the part of the cat burglar once again. She tiptoed to the window and let herself out. She easily scaled the wall to the roof and there, with the Needle in sight, she inhaled deeply and then let the sob out that had been stuck in her throat since last night. She let the tears fall. She wasn't sure what she was mourning. Was the pain all for Logan? Or was some of it for her, and all the things they would never share now that he was soon to be returned to the wheelchair. She laughed out loud. She had told him the chair didn't matter; that she didn't see it. Was that true? After all, when no possibility existed of him ever walking, it was not a thought she ever entertained. This was too hard. What kind of medical freak show was this? Paralyzed, then not, then paralyzed again? Her head swam. Back at Manticore, any soldier that sustained an injury that was untreatable was terminated. No such thought ever existed as to a soldier's value if their body could not perform at 100% efficiency. She wondered if Logan knew about that?
Max climbed back down and through the window. Logan was waiting in the faint light of dawn in a chair in the living room.
"The roof?" he asked simply.
"Yeah, I needed some space." she said as she sat next to him.
"Feeling any better?" he said as he tried to casually sip his coffee.
"A bit."
"Look Max, if you need to get out of here for awhile, please don't worry about me. I completely understand." he smiled at her.
"I don't want to leave you." she whispered.
"You're afraid that it will happen if you're not here."
"Yeah," she nodded.
"I feel like I should be alone, truthfully." he could not meet her gaze. They both knew each other's games so well. He was being so brutally honest with her, and she knew it.
"Okay. I'm outta here." she rose and tossled his hair as she passed by him. She had to force herself from running for the door. As she pulled the brass doorknob shut behind her, she exhaled and let the tears roll once again.
Inside, Logan gripped the arm of the chair in an attempt to quell the pain that ran mercilessly up and down his spine. His ravaged nerve endings were firing haphazardly now and he knew it would soon be over. He stood and steadied himself before heading into the shower. His feet were sluggish to follow the commands his brain sent them. It would be sooner rather than later, he thought. "Good, let it be done," he shouted out loud.
After a long hot shower, Logan exited his bedroom, still towel drying his hair to find Alec waiting in the living room.
"Alec,"
"Yeah, I wanted to see, um , you know."
"Yeah, well, soon so try not to be too anxious." Logan shot back as he headed into the kitchen.
"Hey man, that's not what I meant and you know that. I just wanted to see if you needed anything." Alec seated himself on one of Logan's kitchen stools and watched him prepare an omelet.
Logan cracked three eggs in a bowl and threw the shells in the garbage with a little too much force.
"Yeah Alec, I know. I'm sorry." he began beating the bowl's contents, forcing himself to relax his grip on the whisk.
"Listen, just call me if you need me." and with that Alec rose to leave.
Logan nodded at the man, and thought bitterly that what he needed was to steal Alec's body, or his spine at least. "God," Logan said out loud. He was jealous of Alec already and he wasn't even back in the chair yet. He slammed his hands down on the counter in frustration. Alec was everything Max should want in a partner. He was after all, just like her. He hated dealing with this all over again. The insecurity, the frustration. He knew Max loved him, sitting or standing, so why question it again? He shuffled to the bar stool that Alec had occupied a moment ago and ate his omelet quickly, not even noticing that is was burned on the bottom.
Four days later: (Jam Pony)
OC: "So girl, how long you gonna keep this up?" she tried to say casually.
"I'm going to wait until he calls me. He knows I'll come running. I just don't want to crowd him right now." Max answered softly.
"This woman is not so sure that is for the best." Original Cindy said as she loaded her bag with parcels to be delivered.
As Max and OC walked out the door, Alec practically collided with them.
"Where's the fire?" OC yelled at him.
Alec didn't seem to hear OC as he locked eyes with Max.
"Max," Alec spoke breathlessly. "He's leaving. I sped over here, but he might already be gone. He was just about out the door when I left."
"What!" Max's head swam.
"Just go Max, before he's gone."
Max grabbed her bike and pedaled with intensity, silently wishing her Ninja were under her rather than her bike. She flew right into the lobby of Foggle Towers on her bike and skidded to a halt in front of the elevator just as the doors opened. There, with Bling by his side, sat Logan in his wheelchair. Max's breath caught in her throat and she prayed Logan could not hear the hitch in her breath.
"Don't" Max stated with more force than she felt.
"It's too late for this conversation Max." and with that he wheeled past her. She looked up at Bling and he looked down at the floor and slowly shook his head. Max couldn't tell if he disapproved of Logan's decision to leave, or Max's attempts at stopping him.
Max turned around and watched Logan climb into the passenger seat of Bling's car and pull his motionless legs in one at a time. Her heart thumped in her chest. 'This hurts too much' she thought. She let her bike fall to the floor with a clank. She walked to the open car door where Logan waited for Bling.
"Is this it Logan?" she whispered.
"Yeah, I guess it is Max." he tried to smile at her.
"No, Max was never my real name. I tried to pretend I was a real person, with a real life, real friends, real love." with the last word Max let the tears fall freely. "But I'm not Max. Never was. I'm only what I was meant to be I guess. No point in running anymore. Know this Logan: if you leave me right now, you will never see me again. Is that how you want it?" she made her voice flat.
"It has to be Max." he couldn't meet her intense gaze.
"I told you, Max was never who I really was. I'm X5-452."
And with that, 452 turned and walked down the street, shedding her shoulder bag still holding packages to be delivered. She did not care about them anymore. She was a soldier, not a bike messenger. This had been a dream, or a nightmare depending on who you ask. It didn't really matter anyway, because it was over.
Logan sat in the car, watching her walk farther and farther away from him. His hands sat tightly clasped in his lap. His heart was aching. Bling finally came around and climbed in the driver's seat.
"I think you may have just killed her man," he spoke to his friend.
"No, she'll be okay eventually. She's a strong girl." he answered, not sure who he was trying to convince.
"Maybe, but maybe not." Bling wanted to say so much more, but he knew it didn't matter now. Logan was not going to change his mind. The man was nothing if not stubborn. Bling just couldn't figure out why now, after all they had been through together, would he push her away. Bling knew, as Logan did, that this would be it for Max. She would never look for him, and most likely, they would never see each other again. He just hoped Max would be okay. Logan was wrong about her being strong. Bling had seen pain in others often and he recognized when it became too much. He saw that look in Max's eyes and he saw her shut down, self preservation, he guessed. He doubted she would ever let herself be open again. Bling knew that Logan knew this also, but it didn't seem to matter.