For Grace, because I love her so. :-*
When God created this world, designed everything, had everything he planned for this world, for us, everyone, in his mind -- did he plan love to be so fucking cruel? Did he want to make something that was supposed to be so beautiful so damn painful? Maybe it was all a part of his grand ol' "fuck you" plan.
Have you ever loved someone?
Truly loved someone? Loved them with everything inside of you? Loved them with a passion that you didn't even know existed in your body? Could you feel it in your bones? Aching and ripping through your body and you're feeling so much torture and pain, and all you can think about is that you love this person. And you would go to heaven and hell for this person, even if the whole damn world thinks it's wrong. Even if deep down, yourself, think it's wrong.
You're like Snow White; The fucking old ugly hag of a witch is offering you that apple. And let's just say you saw the movie, and you know it's poisionous. And you're such a fucking idiot, you take it anyway. Except the old ugly hag would be a better image. The image of someone you loved. And you can't help it. You take that apple and literally shove it down your throat, never taking your eyes off this image.
You watch these fucking movies and love is made out to be this precious thing. Suppose in a way, it is. It's all grand and precious and -- oh fuck it. Love is fucking painful, and you can't live without it. Despite you wish every day you could, you just can't. You would take two broken legs and arms for it. You hate it. You want it not to be there. You just want it disappear off the face of the damn world. But you know you can't be without it. It's fucking poision. It will eventually eat away through your body and then one day, you're just going to drop dead.
And all because you were loved by someone. And you loved them in return.
But fuck, you need it. It's a drug. Maybe some alcohol. It's an addiction. It's even more powerful than any drug you can taste on the tip of your tongue, inject in your body, snort up your nose. You could do all three of those at the same time, and love will still outbeat that shit any day. Love is the ultimate drug. The ultimate poision. The ultimate obsession. The ultimate need, desire, want.
And god fucking damn it, I loved him.
Yes. Fuck you God. I once said if God was in me, he was a tumor, and I'm starting to believe it again. You made love into this dangerous weapon. You made love into something that killed you without even touching you. You made love into the most painful thing that has ever been injected in my body. I've had a lot of things in my body. Up my ass. In my mouth. Well, you get the picture -- but love, that disease you fucking created, was the one that could break me down.
And he fucking loved me. Loved me more than anyone had. He couldn't live his life without me in it. Me and him were the only thing that mattered. And it still fucking amazes me. What I had with him was the most fucked up thing I had ever experienced; but it was also the biggest thing I had ever experienced. It surpasses meeting Gen, falling in love with her. It surpasses my marriage with her. Surpasses me being a dad. Surpasses everything after that.
Loving Chris Fucking Keller was the ultimate "fuck you" God handed me. It wasn't bad enough I had killed Cathy Rockwell, was sent to this personal hell, had every ounce of dignity shedded away from me by Vern Shillenger. It wasn't enough that I was hooked on the drugs, the alcohol, addicted on the pain. It wasn't bad enough I went nuts, lost all counts of my sanity. It wasn't enough that the man I once was disappeared. No, you had to give me Chris Keller.
Bleed it into my body and soul. Let me feel the pain of his love. When you love someone, it's like nothing even the higher beings or whatever religious shit you might believe could make you feel. Because love surpasses even religion. Surpasses it's creator, the fucker himself -- God. Allah. Whatever he's called nowadays. So many Gods, so many higher assholes. You know they're just looking down at you and laughing their ass off. You can disgrace yourself over and over, give up on every little bit of hope you could have ever had, because shit, someone has been injecting their love into you. Thrusting it inside of you. Pushing and tugging and ramming it in your body until you can't feel nothing, but love. You got bruises, scratches, cuts and scars from this love, and you just want it all the more.
Come take me. I'm yours for the taking.
You're like the fucking lamb and the wolves are coming out to get you.
You have nothing to lsoe. Because you've lost yourself in this dangerous game, before you even realized it. It had grabbed you and pulled you in, and why fight it? It's no use. Because god damn, at times it makes you feel higher than you have ever felt. Shit, none of the shit me and O'Reily used to do, in my first year at OZ, could ever make me feel like this did. Why fight something that makes you feel like you're king of the world. You're higher than Leonardo Fucking DiCaprio ever was. Sure it hurts like hell. It can throw you down to the cold ground and make you feel like the biggest bitch in existence. But it's the most powerful feeling you'll ever experience.
And I loved him.
I'll spend the rest of my damn life in prison. With him dead, there's no way in hell I can get my parole now. And that's not the hardest part of the little "fuck you" route God threw me. It's that he couldn't live his life without me.
But I have to live mine without him.