3.The Dividing
Admittedly, the guys had great fun in the garage, and the girls had a restful day without them around, but Link and Squall both felt that there was just no excuse for putting off business two days in a row. And so a conference consisting of every man and woman in the Castle was called to determine the boundary lines that would mark off where a person could be and where he or she should not be.
"I now call this council to order," Auron intoned.
"Why you, huh? Why do you get to call the council to order? Why not me?" Dante demanded.
"Because I am perfectly capable of handing you your head if you dispute me," Auron replied mildly.
"Oh yeah?"
Auron remained silent, wishing for all he was worth that they had picked anyone else to mediate this ridiculous council.
"Uh, Auron? You were supposed to say, 'Yeah!'"
"I refuse to sink to your level of childishness," Auron sighed, "Now, to business."
"Yes, to business," Trish agreed, "I, as chosen spokesperson of the Femme Fatale interest in this affair, hereby formally request that you men hand the entire Castle over to us women with no more of this foolish nonsense of you having all the same equal rights as we do. Now, you will be fairly treated, but will have no say in what goes on around here. Believe me, it's for the best for everyone concerned."
Auron's left eye twitched and his mouth quirked slightly, though none of that was visible to the others through his sunglasses and collar. Nothing, however, could disguise the sarcastic tone in his voice. "Ahem… yes, well, I shall now ask the men to recess for five minutes and think this generous offer over."
All the men huddled into a tightly packed group on the opposite side of the room as the women. Much snickering and poorly concealed laughter floated to Trish's ears. She gathered that this was not a good sign.
After two minutes, Link stood forward. "Okay, okay, just a minute…" He turned back to the guys, snickering, and said, "Shut up guys, I'm trying to talk here." He faced the girls again, and made known the boys' opinion of Trish's statement, "We, the Victory March, consisting of every man in the Castle, have decided you Femme Fatales can shove this 'generous offer' up your collective asses. It should be a well-known fact to all you girls, by the way, that, ahem, All Your Base Are Belong To Us! Thank you. You have the floor, Trish." Link sat back down among much applause from the VM and stony silence from the girls. For the men, it would be a cold bed/couch tonight.
"Somehow, I knew that this meeting would boil down to an insulting embarrassment for both sides," Trish sighed, "You being the stubborn, unreasonable, pig-headed, stupid-assed men – cough-children-cough – that you are."
"Why you stuck up…" Cid began.
But alas, the battle of insults was not to be today. Maybe some other time. It was narrowly avoided this time when Auron decided things had gone more than far enough. "Now, now children, there's no need for all this pointless bickering, at least not in my presence. All you shitty-diapered babies can go scream at each other another time. For now, though, there are boundary lines to be decided upon." He gestured politely to the maps of the Castle on the dinner table. "Shall we?"
"We shall," Trish said flatly.
"All righty then," Dante said, eager to begin the inevitable battle of the sexes that comes with attempting to achieve any kind of compromise at all. "Let's get to work."
The long and brutal meeting which followed these statements resulted in several floors of the Castle being converted to mostly girl or boy territory, with some areas of said floors spared for the other side so that they could at least move on as quickly as possible to their destination, wherever that might be. Some floors were male only; such as the in-home bar Dante had plans for in the immediate future. Others were female only, such as the Castle hot tubs. Residents of the opposite gender had to have exclusive permission to enter, and their escort had to be with them at all times. Another sex-specific area in the Castle for both sides were the bedrooms, though they would come to be a raiding hot spot in the very near future. A person of the other sex found in a bedroom had almost no excuse for being there. Almost. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
Still more areas were neutral. Examples include such high traffic locales as kitchens, libraries, and bathrooms. In some cases whole floors were converted into neutral zones. Needless to say, Auron's patience was very severely strained almost from the beginning of the negotiations.
"All right, that's ENOUGH!!" Everyone stopped jawing and looked at Auron. Most, when they saw his face, concluded that he had, indeed, had enough. "Good. Now that I have your undivided attention… Zidane, if you know what's good for you, you WILL look at me when I'm talking to you. That's better. Now, don't let your laughably short attention spans wander just yet, as I have an announcement to make…"
"For God's sake, just spit it out already!" Dante exclaimed.
"…I'll deal with you later. Now, before anyone else decides they want their limbs shortened by about three feet, I wish to say that I will handle the issues of the placement of the Victory March's Gym and the exact size of the Femme Fatales' Health Club at a later date. Preferably after I've had a few drinks and about a days rest and recuperation. Until then, all conversations concerning territorial rights are to be handled by my agent, Sir Sword-Up-Your-Ass, Esquire. Thank you for your cooperation."
Not even Trish disputed this latest ruling from the irate ghost. Unfortunately, Dante ranks below even Zidane in the tact department.
"But what about-" Dante started. He was cut off by the sudden and unexpected presence of a rather large katana in an uncomfortably close proximity to his ass. Dante, not even daring to breathe hard, decided to choose his words very carefully, lest he find himself in a rather unpleasant situation. "Okay, I can see that you're very tired, Auron, and so I humbly request that you forget any offending actions committed by myself in the last ten seconds. But only if suits your high and mighty lordship to do so."
After a moment, the katana moved from its highly uncomfortable position, and Dante could breathe again. "Thank you, oh gracious sir. Maybe I can buy you a drink sometime." Auron, somewhat disgusted, then departed to his room for a nice, long nap.
"Man Dante, you sure know how to suck up," Squall snickered, relishing this chance to get sweet, sweet revenge on Dante.
"Well, I learned from the best," Dante snapped back while checking his ass for any lacerations.
"Oh? And who might that prestigious master of cowardice be?"
"My father, if you must know."
Shocked silence followed this declaration, until Cloud spoke. "Let me get this straight," he asked, "Your father, the Legendary Dark Knight Sparda, savior of the world and the first to beat Mundus into the dirt from which he was conceived, taught you, Dante, Son of the Legendary Dark Knight Sparda, enslaver of Mundus and possibly the most egotistical person in the world, how to grovel like a kid caught selling dope grovels to his parents, the law, and the District Attorney for forgiveness after indirectly killing a loving couple's son and/or daughter through the illegal sale of heroine."
"Well, first you have to understand two things," Dante said defensively, "One, my mother, Maria, was a very clean and upright person, and would not stand for cussing, filth, or anything else dubbed 'unclean' in her house. Two, my father was the source of most of the 'unclean' things that found their way into my home. My father taught me, despite his never-ending pride in himself and his family, to grovel in the interest of self-preservation. To grovel to one who is your lesser or equal in a given situation is most certainly shameful, but to grovel to one who obviously has the advantage in said situation, why, there is no shame at all."
"Ah, I…see," Squall said, struggling to keep a straight face.
"Good. Let me take this opportunity to tell all of you good-for-nothing idjits that if I hear one word concerning this incident, there'll be some free one-way tickets passed around to Heiney City."
Zidane, in a rare spat of intelligence, interrupted, "Hey guys, don't you think that, instead of threatening each other with trips to The World Capital of Asses and All Their Kickings, we should be marking off our territory? The girls left some time ago."
"Good God, Zidane, you're right! Just what in the name of all food that comes wrapped in air-tight, resealable packages is the world coming to?" Cid exclaimed, "We must hurry, as the women have stolen a march on us!"
"Shit!" Barret yelled, "Let's get goin' then!"
In the time-span of one hour, the entire Castle was marked off for one side or the other. Incidentally, this is one of the rare occasions when all the members of one faction or the other actually worked together toward a common goal. In this case, this goal was the savage carving of the Castle into small, bite-sized chunks claimed in the name of either the Victory March or the Femme Fatales.
However, it should be noted that these rigidly defined barriers did not out-last the cheap paint that was used to mark them. Eventually, the boys and girls developed a kind of neutrality throughout the Castle, and that made it much easier to get around since there was no one to challenge your right to be at a given area at every other step. Such overly aggressive challenges were a natural ingredient for fights, and there were many before the aforementioned neutrality descended. Only one thing of importance occurred during this period of gender-based violence, and it will be chronicled in Chapters 5 and 6. However, there is one event that I have to record, and that will be Chapter 4.