6.Crash Helps Out
"Are we there yet?" Crash asked plaintively.
"No." Squall answered firmly.
"Are we there yet?"
"No.
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"Are we there yet?"
"No, dammit!"
Silence for ten seconds. Then, "Are we there yet?"
"No!"
"Now?"
"NO!"
"....... How about now?"
"Yes."
This answer seemed to take Crash by surprise. He looked around. They seemed to be in front of a door. And if Crash knew anything about doors, this one led to a bedroom. It could have been his instinctive knowledge of all doors in existence, not to mention his experience with burglary. Or it could have been the simple presence of a 'Do Not Enter' sign, caution stripes, and the words: 'Link's Room' on the door itself. All in all, it didn't look much like a kitchen. Or a pantry. Or a refrigerator. Or a larder. Generally not a place to go for food. Disappointment flooded through Crash.
"You said we'd get food here." he whined.
"I said we'd get food after we met a friend of mine. Now be quiet, lest you draw unwanted attention to us." Squall answered (place appropriate descriptive noun here. Hint-It's the temperature of an average day in Alaska).
"So, where's your friend?"
"On his way here. Hopefully."
"How long we wait?"
Squall consulted his watch. "One minute. If he doesn't show by then, we'll have to assume the worst and move on."
"The worst?"
"Extensive torture and possible death at the hands of Tifa and Aeris."
"Oh."
Just then, Dante appeared around the bend, carrying Cloud over one shoulder. When he reached Squall and Crash, he dropped Cloud on the ground.
"Well, that's that. All he said was to get him here." Dante said.
"Why is he out colder than a fly in the freezer?" Squall asked.
"He was cornered by Fara. They fought for a while, then he punched her ticket with a hammerblow to the kidneys. She went down, needless to say. I still can't believe that he actually beat her. What about you? You don't look so fresh yourself."
"Let's just say Katt got a little frisky."
"You poor bastard."
"Takes one to know one. Anyway, Cloud needs our help. Our original destination was your room, but Fara and Katt cut us off. Hence the new meeting point."
Meanwhile, as they chatted, Crash had been nosing around Cloud, looking for food. The snuffling and jostling awakened Cloud, and he arose to the rather startling image of Crash's face inches from his own. He would have swatted it away, but he was too weak to do anything other than let out a high-pitched whine. Squall and Dante whirled around, fully expecting to see Fara bearing down on them, and the door to Link's room burst open, revealing the green-clad savior of the world himself.
Link inquired pleasantly, "What in all nine hells was that? How the hell is a man supposed to catch forty winks in this god-forsaken castle? I mean, damn! It's bad enough with all you psychopaths running around unrestrained, and now there's weird noises too! For Chrissakes, keep it down! Buncha assholes......"
*SLAM*
Squall blinked. "Must be nap time."
A small flap in the door opened, and Link's hand shot out, flipped Squall the bird, and vanished back inside before anyone took it into their heads to break his finger off.
Squall blinked again. Twice. "Yup. Definitely nap time."
The flap opened again, and a double-barrel sawed-off boomstick was shoved through. Everyone not already below waist height ducked just before it triggered.
*KA-BOOMSTICK*
The boomstick withdrew, the flap closed, and everyone who was able stood up. Squall chose not to comment on the matter. Dante, however......
"You know, some people...... What? Squall, put the gunblade down. You don't want to do this! *SMACK* OW! What the hell did I do?! I swear...."
The doorknob turned ominously. Squall tore off one of Dante's gloves and stuffed it in his mouth. There was silence. The doorknob stopped, then slowly rotated back to it's original position. Booted footsteps could be heard retreating into the depths of the room. Squall ventured a sigh of relief.
"Whew. Now, Dante, we're heading for your room, as Tifa and Aeris are worse than usual and Cloud needs a good place to hole up in for the next couple of days. Since your room is the nexus of all the secret tunnels in the castle they will search there first. Do not let them discover the tunnels, or Cloud will be found, and you will lose your secret route to the kitchen. I'm taking Cloud and going now. Stall for us, will you? Thanks. Tally ho!" Squall heaved Cloud up and dashed down the hall. Take this opportunity to see Squall's marvelous skills of diplomacy and negotiation.
"But...... damn. Here I am, left to take his heat, in the form of at least one, possibly two, irate hunters. Oh well. Life's a bitch, and then you die. At least they left you with me. What's your name anyway?"
"I Crash Bandicoot!" Crash exclaimed.
"Well, Crash, we have some work to......"
"Hello, boys."
Dante stiffened, then turned slowly to see Katt and Fara standing fifteen feet away. Summing up the impossible odds of the coming fight, his attitude kicked in. He cracked a sardonic grin as he made an extravagant bow.
"Why, hello ladies. My, you're looking fine today. Especially you, Fara. How is your side? Better? I heard that Cloud pulled one over on you, but good. And you Katt, word on the street has it that Crash here beat you into the dirt. Have you recovered? Any critical wounds, you know, like any nails broken, any hair mussed up? Squall sends his regards. Quote, 'Next time I won't be running, bitch! It'll be just you and me!' unquote. I'd be frightened if I were you. *snicker* Bitch. No, wait, I said the wrong thing. Just one moment. Ahem. Okay, here I go. *snicker* Bitches. In the plural. Quite literally in one case."
Katt smiled nastily. "You know Dante, we were just going to let you go after you told us where Squall and Cloud had disappeared to. But now, I think we can spare some time from our busy schedule to whip you into submission. Am I right, Fara?"
"Yes. Yes you are. How shall we go about it? Table saw, spiked flail, cat-o-nine tails, or your basic, all-purpose rusty spoon? I personally prefer the spoon, but I'm open to any suggestions you might have." Fara growled, favoring her injured side. They began to advance on Dante and Crash.
Dante glanced about, and then smelled the acrid reek of gunpowder on the air. His gaze jerked to Link's door, and a fiendish, awful, most horribly Grinchy idea took form in his fertile imagination. He turned to Crash, who was whimpering slightly.
Dante said, "Crash? Oh Crash?" It seemed that Crash had zoned out for the moment. "Crash!" Dante said firmly, easily grabbing Crash's attention. Once Dante was sure that he had Crash's undivided attention, he looked him over and said, "You look the noisy type. Do both of us a favor a make some noise. Now."
Not thinking twice about the matter, Crash did so. Anyone in Link's room would have thought that an explosion had gone off in the hall outside. Dante paused to listen, and was able to clearly distinguish determined footsteps and the unsheathing of a sword inside. He snatched up Crash by the scruff of his neck and fled down the hall in a suitably cowardly fashion, calling behind him as he went, "So long, ladies! See you later! Maybe! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" And then he was gone. And Crash with him for those of you who care.
As Katt and Fara picked up speed to follow, Link's door banged open, cracking the wall where it hit. The elfin avenger stood directly in their path. Just so you know, Link is not a small, wimpy elf. He is on eye level with Dante. Back to the greatly pissed off Link. With a big shield in one hand and a bigger sword in the other. Not a pair of implements you ever want to be on the wrong end of.
"I asked you nicely, and now I'm going to...... Oh. It's you two bitch fighting again, is it? Well, in my personal opinion, you two have been allowed way too much leeway in the discipline department. So now, I'm going to teach you brats what happens to anyone except Malon who disturbs my rest for any reason at all. Fight back if you must, but whatever happens, you're both gonna get a beating you won't soon forget. Are you ready? Let's go!" He charged, aiming for Fara's crippled side first, which he had identified immediately when he saw them in the hall. A good shield bash would take care of her. Katt, however, didn't seem particularly hurt anywhere on her body. She would be more trouble than Fara, but with Fara down the coming fight would be much easier.
Squall ran hard. He could hear his pursuer's footsteps just around the corner. He had been spotted somewhere in his headlong flight to Dante's room. He knew that he didn't have the stamina to fight a hunter in his present condition, so he quickly ducked into a side room before he was seen again, and the chase renewed. In the darkness, he laid Cloud against a wall and listened with baited breath as the footsteps came around the corner, drew close, slowed slightly, then dashed on with determination. He sighed with relief, and then checked on Cloud. Fatigue was all that really seemed to ail him, and a solid ten hours rest would fix that.
"Running from the women again, Squall?" Auron's voice sounded from the darkness.
Squall jumped a foot in the air, then glared at where the voice had come from. "What's it to you?" he asked, "Besides, why are you hanging out in here? That's just a little suspicious, don't you think?"
"The reasons for my frequenting of dark, out of the way areas of the castle are none of your business. Is there something I can help you with? I need you to move on as quickly as possible so that I will not be discovered."
"Girl trouble?" Squall joked, "Anyway, I need you to help me help Cloud here. Tifa and Aeris are on the warpath, and he needs....."
"Sanctuary. I see. I thought that Tifa looked a little more viscous than usual five minutes ago. Well, I suppose I can help. Tell you what. I'll get you to my room, and from there to Dante's. Before we go, we should revive Cloud. We'll travel faster without having to carry dead weight, and fights will be easier with three able men than two men tired out from carrying the incapacitated third. In return, you, Squall, will give me an I.O.U. Whenever I need a favor, which has a disturbingly high probability in the very near future, you will do it without complaint or delay. Of course, unlike Dante, my favor will be well within reason."
"Dude, haven't you heard? We're all part of one group, the Rainbow Soldiers. You should be able to ask assistance of any ally without need of an I.O.U. But I see Dante hasn't changed his views one bit. I'll handle it later. As to your proposition, fine. However, I don't have anything on me that would revive someone who has just fought Fara. And won."
Auron blinked. But Squall could not see that, of course. "Excuse me, I thought I just heard you say that Cloud beat Fara in a fight. Would you care to repeat yourself?"
"You heard right. He beat her. With a punch in the kidneys if my sources are to be believed."
"Ouch. Then I guess he'll be out of it for the better part of ten hours. If I know Fara, he is exhausted. Well, we'd better get going. I'll get this side, you get the other..." Auron stooped and grabbed Cloud to pick him up. When he lifted to put his arm over one shoulder, Cloud cried out in agony. Mildly startled, Auron promptly dropped Cloud's arm. Cloud glared at him.
"You..... you...... *pant pant pant* Can't you tell when a man is gravely injured?" Cloud wheezed.
"Not in the dark, no I can't."
"Well, I am. It would seem that Fara got her claws in my side here, but I was too drugged by my victory to notice at the time. I began to suspect that something was wrong when Dante gently threw me on his shoulder and jogged off to the rendezvous point. By the time I was sure I was hurt, I was too weak to speak. Dante would've noticed the blood on his trenchcoat, but it was already blood red from his various exploits while taking over the island and it's castle, and enslaving Mundus. In short, he didn't notice, and I'm not sure he would if a bucketfull was thrown on him from behind. Anyway, I passed out, and when I next resurfaced into the world of the living, that furry things face was inches from mine, and I wished I were dead again. I made some sort of sound to alert you to its presence, but it apparently woke up Link, and he came out and berated you all for being lousy noisemakers, and assholes in general. Squall said something then, which made Link poke a boomstick out the door and fire. The discharge knocked me out again, and I did not awake until just now when Auron reminded me that pain is still not a pleasant experience. And that's it. You might want to get me some medical attention, by the way. If it's not too much trouble, that is."
Just then, frenzied footsteps were heard right outside the door.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! What am I going to do? There's at least three girls behind me, and I've lost Squall's trail!" came Dante's voice.
"Hurry! Hurry! Do something, anything!" Crash pleaded.
"I got it! Okay Crash, here's what we're gonna do. First, bend over...."
"Yeah, yeah, then what?"
"Put your head between your knees....."
"Got it! What now?"
"And kiss your ass goodbye."
"Goodbye, Ass! It's been great knowing you!" *smooch*
A pause. The girl's footsteps draw ever closer. Crash wiped his mouth and looked at Dante. "You know, I can't see how that helped us in any way, shape, or form."
"It's a way of admitting that your ass is the grass, and the girls are the mower."
Crash thought on that for a moment. When he finally put the mower blade (girls weapons) and the tender grass (his ass) together, he began to quiver and whimper pitifully.
Dante patted him on the back comfortingly. "There, there. No need for all this blubbering. The first thing a man learns in life is perseverance. We'll live to eat another day. So stand tall and take it like a man. Stiff upper lip and all that bullshit."
As the ominous footsteps grew louder and louder, and Crash's whimperings grew more and more distressed, Auron decided that it was high time to pull their sorry asses out of the fire. He quickly yanked open the door, jerked the two bewildered fugitives inside, and quietly shut and locked the door behind them. The sound of many, many feet running by the door was heard, then silence. Auron turned up his oversized collar disdainfully.
"Such unobservant cretins. I hope you two realize that my saving your worthless hides was barely worth my time. However, circumstances have made your assistance invaluable to my plans." he sniffed airily.
"Bite me, ghost-boy. What plans did you have in mind?" Dante snapped, dusting off his trenchcoat.
"You and your little furry friend are going to help Squall and I get Cloud to your room, so that he may be transported by tunnel to a safe, Tifa and Aeris free zone of the castle. Probably one of the unexplored sections that are inhabited by new and dangerous species of monsters. Much easier to handle than Tifa and Aeris combined. And Cloud needs medical attention."
"What's wrong with him? He seemed to come through the fight with Fara okay." Dante inquired.
"'Seemed' being the key word in that statement. He has a gaping wound in his side due to Fara's extraordinarily sharp claws. We need to find Kimahri. He's the best healer on the Rainbow Soldiers, second only to Yuna, of the Femme Fatales." Squall answered.
"Well, shave my legs and call me grandma. I could've sworn he was just fine." Dante whistled, fully aware that Fara usually poisoned her claws for the hunt.
"Who Kimahri?" Crash asked.
"Big fellow, catlike, bipedal, blue fur, and a broken horn in the middle of his forehead." Auron listed.
"Oh him! I meet him about breakfast, hunting for food in forest outside castle, and....." Crash said brightly.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up a minute here Crash. When you speak, grunt, squeal, or think of my castle, you will capitalize it. Why? Because it's not just any castle, it's MY Castle. Mallet Castle. Mine. That goes for the rest of you punks as well." Dante lectured.
".......As I was speaking, I met Kimahri outside Castle while he was hunting small helpless animals for breakfast. We spake a while, then he left in the direction of the sea."
"So he's gone deep sea fishing again, eh? Well Crash, go get him." Squall said dismissively.
"Huh?"
"Did I stutter? Go get Kimahri and bring him to Dante's room. We'll take it from there."
"But...."
"You heard the man. Get going." Dante said, ushering Crash out the door.
Upon finding himself in the open, Crash immediately sought out the closest patch of shadows he could find. As he made his way down the hall, he heard those footsteps again. Furthermore, he could hear voices as well. He bounded into the rafters and followed the voices to their source. Within one minute, he found Katt, Fara, Tifa, and Aeris. Katt was leaning against the wall with a tired expression on her pretty face.
"I swear, never again will I disturb a sleeping elf. I've never been beaten so badly in my life. Oh, my aching head......" she moaned.
"Here. This ice pack should help. When we find Yuna, she'll fix you right up." Tifa said soothingly.
"Not before I'm seen to. First, Cloud pulled a fast one on me, but I caught him with my claws. Then, Link whales on us like a raging bull, deliberately hitting my injured side with his shield. I'll probably be bedridden for a week, maybe two." Fara coughed from the hallside bench, where she was stretched out in agony.
"I wish I had some painkillers for you, Fara, but I don't. Do you think your wound is serious?" Aeris asked concernedly.
"No worse than Cloud will be once my patented poison goes to work."
"Speaking of that poison...."
But Crash did not deem it worthy to hang around any longer, and swung off through the rafters to find Kimahri. Using his primitive logic, Crash sorted through the most likely places that Kimahri would be. Judging by Kimahri's newly revealed activity, Crash guessed that he would most probably be through fishing by now, and would either be on his way to the Castle, or in one of the many kitchens cooking his meal. Crash tuned his nose to scent raw or cooking fish so as to search more efficiently. Raw fish came to his nose almost immediately, and he rounded the nearest corner to find its source. The scent led to a kitchen and Crash looked in eagerly, hoping to see the object of his search, but found only Zidane dragging a whole swordfish from the refrigerator with a dagger in his hand. Crash paused long enough to watch him heave the fish onto the nearest bar and proceed to draw and quarter it. Crash filed the scene away and moved on. After an hour, he ran across Fox, who had his blaster to a Marionette's head. Going by the broken glass and red stains on Fox and in the carpet, Crash could make an educated guess as to what had happened.
"You clumsy pile of firewood! You idiotic heap of kindling! You appallingly stupid stack of lumber! Do you know what I'm going to have to do with the clothes I'm wearing now?" Fox yelled, "They're all going to have to be thrown away! I'd order you to be more careful the next time you carry red wine, but by God there won't be a next time for you! If you have any last words, you'll have to tell them to Satan! See you in hell!" And he blew its head off. A red mist of blood floated in the air for a moment, the settled to the floor, adding to the red stains in the carpet. Fox stalked off, swearing up and down that all Marionettes everywhere were stupid, clumsy, idiotic, and other things that are best left unrepeated.
Crash filed away several new and interesting words in his vocabulary, and then resumed his search for Kimahri. After two more hours of fruitless searching, he decided to take a break. The next kitchen he came to was too good to pass up, so he went on in. Inside the comforting environment of the kitchen, he went straight for the fridge. He rooted about in the cool interior, and resurfaced with a piece of cake, two cooked hot dogs, a bagel, four strips of raw bacon, an apple, and a pitcher full of lemonade. And that was just the appetizer. He seated himself at the table and began eating. By 'eating' I mean 'voraciously tearing into anything that looked remotely like food within a five-foot radius.'
"Hungry, little one?" a vaguely familiar voice said from across the table. Crash looked up briefly and beheld a sorta familiar blue-furred face, with a dimly remembered broken horn. Everything took a backseat to Crash's appetite, even the memory of everyday objects such as tables and metal blocks. They were all food to him in his present state. Similar conditions exist in Dante, but to a somewhat lesser degree. Primed with that interesting tidbit of data, it should be easy for even the thickest of you readers out there reading this mind-numbingly amusing story to see why Crash did not recognize Kimahri, the reason behind his search in the first place.
Crash uttered an affirming grunt then turned himself back to the task of shoving 'food' down his throat. After ten minutes of watching Crash inhale anything within the aforementioned radius, Kimahri sighed and got up from the table and left Crash to his own devices. As he exited the kitchen, it finally dawned on Crash that the person he had just been grunting at looked suspiciously like Kimahri. But it couldn't be, his tiny mind reasoned, because Kimahri had just been fishing, and would have caught some fish. Crash had not smelled any fish in the kitchen he was in, cooked or raw. Smoke began to waft out of Crash's ears as he tried to figure this puzzle out. Finally coming to a conclusion, he decided to check the character in question out and see if he was Kimahri or not.
He leaped up from the table and tore out of the room. He caught up with Kimahri in two seconds, and stood there, glaring suspiciously at Kimahri. Kimahri started at his sudden appearance, then glared right back. After three minutes of this staring contest, it became apparent to Kimahri, whose eyes were watering slightly, that Crash had no intention of blinking. He probably didn't need to. So, as to not lose the contest, Kimahri poked Crash in the eyes. Crash yelped and jumped back, blinking furiously to ease the pain in his orbs of vision.
"Is there something I can help you with, oh small one of smaller brain?" Kimahri asked.
"Who are you?" Crash asked, feeling blindly about for his quarry.
Kimahri backed up just out of Crash's reach and replied, "I am Kimahri, remember? We met in the forest not too long ago."
"How I know if it really you? You might be imposter." Crash said.
"Oh? And how do you come to the conclusion that I might not be who I say I am?" Kimahri inquired, raising an amused eyebrow.
"Because a while ago, you went deep-sea fishing. Then you came back. Now, if you were the real Kimahri, you would have come in and cooked your catch. I smelled no such smells on you or in the kitchen you were just in."
"What if I told you that I did not catch anything?"
That stopped Crash cold. He had not even entertained the notion that Kimahri had been as unsuccessful in his fishing as Cloud is at keeping Tifa and Aeris under control. That would explain why his nose had not helped track him at all. For all Crash knew, he might have come a room away from Kimahri and passed him right on by in the mistaken belief that Kimahri would be carrying or cooking fish. "Nothing at all?"
"Nothing at all, which seems to be the sum total of your brain power and common sense. What do you need me for?"
Crash related all that had happened to Cloud and the rest since Crash had joined them. When he finished, Kimahri shook his head resignedly.
"If it wasn't for me, you'd all die of food poisoning caused by eating hemlock on your salads because you mistook it for lettuce. Alright, where are they now?"
And so it was that Crash found his man and returned with him to Dante's room. When they arrived, they found the place trashed beyond all belief. There were bullet holes in the walls, craters in the floor, the bed was ripped apart, the single window was shattered, the door hanging on one hinge, a knife stuck in the door frame, and the secret tunnel hatch swinging forlornly open. All in all, it looked like the girls had found Dante and the rest of the escort convoy and had jumped them in the room just as they were about to open the hatch. That meant tunnel fighting was either raging now, or had already finished with one side or the other victorious. An explosion sounded from the depths of the tunnels. So the scrap was still on.
"Two words. Oh. Shit." Kimahri stated simply.
"What we do now?" Crash asked.
"What do you mean, 'we'? You're the one going in there to get Cloud out."
"What?!? No way! I not go in there for one hundred....." A shotgun blast sang out from the foreboding mouth of the tunnels, followed by a sustained burst of heavy machine gun fire. Crash rethought his statement. "......five hundred hamburgers."
"Don't you care about his safety and well-being?"
"Not anymore."
"You selfish little bastard. Fine, I'll go in and rescue Cloud. I'll be the one who has his everlasting gratitude and thanks. I'll be the one he calls on in the future when he's in trouble. I'll get the reward, which will probably be money in ridiculous amounts. All while you tear out all the hair on your small head in jealousy and frustration, wishing that you had saved him instead of me." Kimahri said disgustedly as he crouched down to enter the hatch.
"Wait just one burger-chomping minute," Crash exclaimed, tapping Kimahri on his broad shoulder, "What was that about money?"
"What, the part about getting paid money in ridiculous amounts? What about it?"
"Imagine how much food I could buy with that much money! At least a thousand burgers! I'll do it!" And Crash shoved Kimahri aside in order to squirm headlong into the dark recesses of hell......
A bullet buried itself in the tunnel wall directly in front of Dante's nose. He ducked backwards and crawled back the way he had come, which led to a dead end. Once he was reasonably sure he was unobserved, he took a moment to rub the drop of blood on the end of his nose away. He was in deep bull excretement. The escort had become separated in the tunnels, and now were scattered all over the network. Dante wished he had someone to talk to right now, as he hated the idea of dying alone in the tunnels. Well, okay, maybe not die. Capture and torture anyway. Regardless, he wished there were someone, anyone (almost) there to share his fate.
'Ah, well. No one lives forever.' He thought, 'Might as well go out with a bang!' Dante loaded his shotgun, checked his pistols to see if they were jammed, and downed a coke to psych himself up. As ready as one can be for this sort of thing, he straightened to a half-crouch, which was all he could manage in the cramped confines of the tunnel, and went to work.
"Here I am, all you pyschobitches out there! Come and get me if you can!" He bellowed as he burst onto the last place he was shot at from. He immediately unloaded both barrels of his shotgun into the hole, and threw himself into the fray. He connected solidly with a warm, furry body, and struggled fiercely with it until he realized that it wasn't fighting back. Dante froze, suspecting a new trap of some kind. When nothing happened for fifteen whole minutes, he reassessed his position. The fact that the body was furry and had obviously female proportions showed that the inert form was, or at least a dummy of, Fara, Katt, or Freya. Dante knew for a fact that all three killers could take a shotgun blast and a mere tackle without blacking out. He felt for a pulse, and found a strong and healthy one coursing through the wrist. He felt the facial features, and found that they were canine in nature. Unless another uninvited guest had invaded his Castle, he was lying on none other than Fara Pheonix. As if the inanimate body was coated in holy water, Dante sprang off before she came around.
Dante dashed off while the dashin' was good, and only stopped to rest when he realized he was completely lost. He paused for breath and tried to puzzle out Fara's comatose state. After much unsuccessful deliberating, he decided to go back and see if there were any clues he had missed in his headlong flight from the scene. When he turned around and started off, he had only to go a small distance before he noticed unusual scrapes on the wall and deep footprints in the soft floor. He stared at them quizzically as he made his way back down the tunnel, and then finally realized that they were the markings of his jaunt. No wonder the girls always found it so easy to track him. He made a mental note to be more careful in the future, but before the mental memo could be filed away, he had reached his destination, and it was forgotten (slow mind processes). He studied the small room and discovered that Fara had apparently come around and moved off. He also found sneaker footprints in a direct line from one entrance of the room to Fara's previous bed, then in a second line out another exit.
'Now, hold on a minute. Who in the Castle wears sneakers?' Dante thought. 'Zidane wears thief boots, I wear Manly Men brand knee-high boots, Squall wears Cool Dudes shoes, Cloud wears standard issue military boots, Barret wears homemade clodhoppers, Auron wears custom-made broughans, Cid wears rocket man footwear, and Fox wears metallic boots.' Dante thought some more. And then more. Then a lot more. Finally, just before he'd been thinking so long as to qualify in the 'helluva lot more' rank, he snapped his fingers and grinned evilly. Crash wore sneakers. Big, red ones in fact. Dante sniggered to himself for at least five minutes there, not paying the least attention to the world about him. If a hunter had come upon him then, he would have been tackled to the ground and hogtied like the farm animal the name implies. But, none of that mattered at the moment to him, as he was for too preoccupied thinking about the girl's predicament.
"Damn!" Squall exclaimed as a grenade went off not ten feet from his position. The girls' aim was getting too close for comfort. Bullets cut the air around him as he fought to hold his position, but it was a losing battle. Barret had already sacrificed himself so that Squall and the rest might escape, but he was overrun in a matter of oh, say, half a minute tops. Just before Squall was about to desert his post in the interest of self-preservation, Auron appeared at his side, using his monstrous blade as a shield of sorts and delivered some news.
"I hope you weren't planning on running, Squall. For the simple reason that there is no longer anywhere to run to. All that's left is maybe fifty more feet of tunnel, then we're stray cats in the middle of a rottweiler dog show." Auron said cheerily.
Squall stared a moment, and before he could say a word about Auron's less-than-appropriate attitude toward the mess they were in, Malon charged around the corner and bulled into Squall. Squall struggled fitfully as Auron attempted to drag Malon off him. Just then, Tidus dashed up.
"For God's sake, Malon, get a room for Chrissakes!" he yelled, so as to be heard over the din.
Malon paused her throttling of Squall for the scant seconds it took to glare hatefully at Tidus, and a few seconds of relative inactivity was all Auron needed to heave her bodily off of Squall and throw her back down the tunnel. She bounced twice, then hissed balefully and retreated back to the rest of the women.
Squall sat up and massaged his throat. "Good one, Tidus. Remind me to thank you later, providing we all live through this. Let's get out of here before Malon decides break time is over."
And with that bright statement, they retreated with all due haste to the end of the line, where Cloud was sitting up with his back to the wall. Cloud gazed at them mournfully. "They're close, aren't they? *cough* I'm sorry I got you all into this. I wish God would take pity on us and deliver a miracle of some sort. But, seeing as I haven't been inside any kind of church in all my life, it probably won't happen."
Tidus, Squall, and Auron, being too exhausted to anything other than gasp heavily, did not respond. Presently, the sounds of the approaching enemy could be heard. The guys looked at each other a moment, then hit the dirt. The sounds stopped, and pleasant conversation, of the kind that people (or in this case, she-demons and banshees from hell) use when they are assured of the outcome of a given situation. In this example, it was the victors gloating before they had even won the fight.
Suddenly, several screams were heard, along with gunshots. After twenty seconds of uproarious noise, all was abruptly and unnervingly silent as an Egyptian tomb. The men listened attentively with baited breath, but could discern no unnatural noise in the tunnels, which meant no noise at all.
For several minutes, nothing happened. Then Cloud, startled almost to the point of soiling his drawers, exclaimed, "Crash?!?!?" Naturally this display drew the attention of the others with record-setting alacrity.
"Yeah, it me. What about it?" Crash asked carefully.
"How did you......? Never mind. Let's just beat it before we lose our chance." Tidus said.
And so it was that the guys evaded another sticky situation, with not a little help from Crash. On their way out of the tunnels, they collected Dante and Barret. Dante was still sniggering uncontrollably to himself, and when he saw them with Crash in tow, he burst out laughing. They shrugged his obvious amusement at them off, and proceeded out of the tunnels. At the tunnel mouth, every one patted everyone else on the back and went their own ways. For most, their route would inevitably lead to the in-home bar for rather obvious reasons. As Cloud, who had already been seen to by Kimahri, was staggering off to in a direct line to the bar, Crash tapped him on the back.
Cloud turned wearily around. "What is it, Crash?"
"Kimahri mentioned something about getting paid money in ridiculous amounts if I saved you."
"Did he? Well, here's your pay. See you later, buddy." Cloud said as he handed Crash a penny and slumped off. Crash was left staring at a next-to-worthless copper coin, stupefied at this surprising turn of events. Then his mind recalled exactly what Kimahri had said. 'Getting paid money in ridiculous amounts.' Crash had made the dangerous assumption then that 'ridiculous amounts' meant 'a butt-load of cold, hard cash.' But, as it happened, he was paid all of one whole cent. When Crash went over his weekly thinking allowance and deliberated some more, he found that one measly penny was a pretty ridiculous amount. Satisfied with his newfound revelation, he strutted proudly off, flipping the penny up and down in the air.
"Are we there yet?" Crash asked plaintively.
"No." Squall answered firmly.
"Are we there yet?"
"No.
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"Are we there yet?"
"No, dammit!"
Silence for ten seconds. Then, "Are we there yet?"
"No!"
"Now?"
"NO!"
"....... How about now?"
"Yes."
This answer seemed to take Crash by surprise. He looked around. They seemed to be in front of a door. And if Crash knew anything about doors, this one led to a bedroom. It could have been his instinctive knowledge of all doors in existence, not to mention his experience with burglary. Or it could have been the simple presence of a 'Do Not Enter' sign, caution stripes, and the words: 'Link's Room' on the door itself. All in all, it didn't look much like a kitchen. Or a pantry. Or a refrigerator. Or a larder. Generally not a place to go for food. Disappointment flooded through Crash.
"You said we'd get food here." he whined.
"I said we'd get food after we met a friend of mine. Now be quiet, lest you draw unwanted attention to us." Squall answered (place appropriate descriptive noun here. Hint-It's the temperature of an average day in Alaska).
"So, where's your friend?"
"On his way here. Hopefully."
"How long we wait?"
Squall consulted his watch. "One minute. If he doesn't show by then, we'll have to assume the worst and move on."
"The worst?"
"Extensive torture and possible death at the hands of Tifa and Aeris."
"Oh."
Just then, Dante appeared around the bend, carrying Cloud over one shoulder. When he reached Squall and Crash, he dropped Cloud on the ground.
"Well, that's that. All he said was to get him here." Dante said.
"Why is he out colder than a fly in the freezer?" Squall asked.
"He was cornered by Fara. They fought for a while, then he punched her ticket with a hammerblow to the kidneys. She went down, needless to say. I still can't believe that he actually beat her. What about you? You don't look so fresh yourself."
"Let's just say Katt got a little frisky."
"You poor bastard."
"Takes one to know one. Anyway, Cloud needs our help. Our original destination was your room, but Fara and Katt cut us off. Hence the new meeting point."
Meanwhile, as they chatted, Crash had been nosing around Cloud, looking for food. The snuffling and jostling awakened Cloud, and he arose to the rather startling image of Crash's face inches from his own. He would have swatted it away, but he was too weak to do anything other than let out a high-pitched whine. Squall and Dante whirled around, fully expecting to see Fara bearing down on them, and the door to Link's room burst open, revealing the green-clad savior of the world himself.
Link inquired pleasantly, "What in all nine hells was that? How the hell is a man supposed to catch forty winks in this god-forsaken castle? I mean, damn! It's bad enough with all you psychopaths running around unrestrained, and now there's weird noises too! For Chrissakes, keep it down! Buncha assholes......"
*SLAM*
Squall blinked. "Must be nap time."
A small flap in the door opened, and Link's hand shot out, flipped Squall the bird, and vanished back inside before anyone took it into their heads to break his finger off.
Squall blinked again. Twice. "Yup. Definitely nap time."
The flap opened again, and a double-barrel sawed-off boomstick was shoved through. Everyone not already below waist height ducked just before it triggered.
*KA-BOOMSTICK*
The boomstick withdrew, the flap closed, and everyone who was able stood up. Squall chose not to comment on the matter. Dante, however......
"You know, some people...... What? Squall, put the gunblade down. You don't want to do this! *SMACK* OW! What the hell did I do?! I swear...."
The doorknob turned ominously. Squall tore off one of Dante's gloves and stuffed it in his mouth. There was silence. The doorknob stopped, then slowly rotated back to it's original position. Booted footsteps could be heard retreating into the depths of the room. Squall ventured a sigh of relief.
"Whew. Now, Dante, we're heading for your room, as Tifa and Aeris are worse than usual and Cloud needs a good place to hole up in for the next couple of days. Since your room is the nexus of all the secret tunnels in the castle they will search there first. Do not let them discover the tunnels, or Cloud will be found, and you will lose your secret route to the kitchen. I'm taking Cloud and going now. Stall for us, will you? Thanks. Tally ho!" Squall heaved Cloud up and dashed down the hall. Take this opportunity to see Squall's marvelous skills of diplomacy and negotiation.
"But...... damn. Here I am, left to take his heat, in the form of at least one, possibly two, irate hunters. Oh well. Life's a bitch, and then you die. At least they left you with me. What's your name anyway?"
"I Crash Bandicoot!" Crash exclaimed.
"Well, Crash, we have some work to......"
"Hello, boys."
Dante stiffened, then turned slowly to see Katt and Fara standing fifteen feet away. Summing up the impossible odds of the coming fight, his attitude kicked in. He cracked a sardonic grin as he made an extravagant bow.
"Why, hello ladies. My, you're looking fine today. Especially you, Fara. How is your side? Better? I heard that Cloud pulled one over on you, but good. And you Katt, word on the street has it that Crash here beat you into the dirt. Have you recovered? Any critical wounds, you know, like any nails broken, any hair mussed up? Squall sends his regards. Quote, 'Next time I won't be running, bitch! It'll be just you and me!' unquote. I'd be frightened if I were you. *snicker* Bitch. No, wait, I said the wrong thing. Just one moment. Ahem. Okay, here I go. *snicker* Bitches. In the plural. Quite literally in one case."
Katt smiled nastily. "You know Dante, we were just going to let you go after you told us where Squall and Cloud had disappeared to. But now, I think we can spare some time from our busy schedule to whip you into submission. Am I right, Fara?"
"Yes. Yes you are. How shall we go about it? Table saw, spiked flail, cat-o-nine tails, or your basic, all-purpose rusty spoon? I personally prefer the spoon, but I'm open to any suggestions you might have." Fara growled, favoring her injured side. They began to advance on Dante and Crash.
Dante glanced about, and then smelled the acrid reek of gunpowder on the air. His gaze jerked to Link's door, and a fiendish, awful, most horribly Grinchy idea took form in his fertile imagination. He turned to Crash, who was whimpering slightly.
Dante said, "Crash? Oh Crash?" It seemed that Crash had zoned out for the moment. "Crash!" Dante said firmly, easily grabbing Crash's attention. Once Dante was sure that he had Crash's undivided attention, he looked him over and said, "You look the noisy type. Do both of us a favor a make some noise. Now."
Not thinking twice about the matter, Crash did so. Anyone in Link's room would have thought that an explosion had gone off in the hall outside. Dante paused to listen, and was able to clearly distinguish determined footsteps and the unsheathing of a sword inside. He snatched up Crash by the scruff of his neck and fled down the hall in a suitably cowardly fashion, calling behind him as he went, "So long, ladies! See you later! Maybe! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" And then he was gone. And Crash with him for those of you who care.
As Katt and Fara picked up speed to follow, Link's door banged open, cracking the wall where it hit. The elfin avenger stood directly in their path. Just so you know, Link is not a small, wimpy elf. He is on eye level with Dante. Back to the greatly pissed off Link. With a big shield in one hand and a bigger sword in the other. Not a pair of implements you ever want to be on the wrong end of.
"I asked you nicely, and now I'm going to...... Oh. It's you two bitch fighting again, is it? Well, in my personal opinion, you two have been allowed way too much leeway in the discipline department. So now, I'm going to teach you brats what happens to anyone except Malon who disturbs my rest for any reason at all. Fight back if you must, but whatever happens, you're both gonna get a beating you won't soon forget. Are you ready? Let's go!" He charged, aiming for Fara's crippled side first, which he had identified immediately when he saw them in the hall. A good shield bash would take care of her. Katt, however, didn't seem particularly hurt anywhere on her body. She would be more trouble than Fara, but with Fara down the coming fight would be much easier.
Squall ran hard. He could hear his pursuer's footsteps just around the corner. He had been spotted somewhere in his headlong flight to Dante's room. He knew that he didn't have the stamina to fight a hunter in his present condition, so he quickly ducked into a side room before he was seen again, and the chase renewed. In the darkness, he laid Cloud against a wall and listened with baited breath as the footsteps came around the corner, drew close, slowed slightly, then dashed on with determination. He sighed with relief, and then checked on Cloud. Fatigue was all that really seemed to ail him, and a solid ten hours rest would fix that.
"Running from the women again, Squall?" Auron's voice sounded from the darkness.
Squall jumped a foot in the air, then glared at where the voice had come from. "What's it to you?" he asked, "Besides, why are you hanging out in here? That's just a little suspicious, don't you think?"
"The reasons for my frequenting of dark, out of the way areas of the castle are none of your business. Is there something I can help you with? I need you to move on as quickly as possible so that I will not be discovered."
"Girl trouble?" Squall joked, "Anyway, I need you to help me help Cloud here. Tifa and Aeris are on the warpath, and he needs....."
"Sanctuary. I see. I thought that Tifa looked a little more viscous than usual five minutes ago. Well, I suppose I can help. Tell you what. I'll get you to my room, and from there to Dante's. Before we go, we should revive Cloud. We'll travel faster without having to carry dead weight, and fights will be easier with three able men than two men tired out from carrying the incapacitated third. In return, you, Squall, will give me an I.O.U. Whenever I need a favor, which has a disturbingly high probability in the very near future, you will do it without complaint or delay. Of course, unlike Dante, my favor will be well within reason."
"Dude, haven't you heard? We're all part of one group, the Rainbow Soldiers. You should be able to ask assistance of any ally without need of an I.O.U. But I see Dante hasn't changed his views one bit. I'll handle it later. As to your proposition, fine. However, I don't have anything on me that would revive someone who has just fought Fara. And won."
Auron blinked. But Squall could not see that, of course. "Excuse me, I thought I just heard you say that Cloud beat Fara in a fight. Would you care to repeat yourself?"
"You heard right. He beat her. With a punch in the kidneys if my sources are to be believed."
"Ouch. Then I guess he'll be out of it for the better part of ten hours. If I know Fara, he is exhausted. Well, we'd better get going. I'll get this side, you get the other..." Auron stooped and grabbed Cloud to pick him up. When he lifted to put his arm over one shoulder, Cloud cried out in agony. Mildly startled, Auron promptly dropped Cloud's arm. Cloud glared at him.
"You..... you...... *pant pant pant* Can't you tell when a man is gravely injured?" Cloud wheezed.
"Not in the dark, no I can't."
"Well, I am. It would seem that Fara got her claws in my side here, but I was too drugged by my victory to notice at the time. I began to suspect that something was wrong when Dante gently threw me on his shoulder and jogged off to the rendezvous point. By the time I was sure I was hurt, I was too weak to speak. Dante would've noticed the blood on his trenchcoat, but it was already blood red from his various exploits while taking over the island and it's castle, and enslaving Mundus. In short, he didn't notice, and I'm not sure he would if a bucketfull was thrown on him from behind. Anyway, I passed out, and when I next resurfaced into the world of the living, that furry things face was inches from mine, and I wished I were dead again. I made some sort of sound to alert you to its presence, but it apparently woke up Link, and he came out and berated you all for being lousy noisemakers, and assholes in general. Squall said something then, which made Link poke a boomstick out the door and fire. The discharge knocked me out again, and I did not awake until just now when Auron reminded me that pain is still not a pleasant experience. And that's it. You might want to get me some medical attention, by the way. If it's not too much trouble, that is."
Just then, frenzied footsteps were heard right outside the door.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! What am I going to do? There's at least three girls behind me, and I've lost Squall's trail!" came Dante's voice.
"Hurry! Hurry! Do something, anything!" Crash pleaded.
"I got it! Okay Crash, here's what we're gonna do. First, bend over...."
"Yeah, yeah, then what?"
"Put your head between your knees....."
"Got it! What now?"
"And kiss your ass goodbye."
"Goodbye, Ass! It's been great knowing you!" *smooch*
A pause. The girl's footsteps draw ever closer. Crash wiped his mouth and looked at Dante. "You know, I can't see how that helped us in any way, shape, or form."
"It's a way of admitting that your ass is the grass, and the girls are the mower."
Crash thought on that for a moment. When he finally put the mower blade (girls weapons) and the tender grass (his ass) together, he began to quiver and whimper pitifully.
Dante patted him on the back comfortingly. "There, there. No need for all this blubbering. The first thing a man learns in life is perseverance. We'll live to eat another day. So stand tall and take it like a man. Stiff upper lip and all that bullshit."
As the ominous footsteps grew louder and louder, and Crash's whimperings grew more and more distressed, Auron decided that it was high time to pull their sorry asses out of the fire. He quickly yanked open the door, jerked the two bewildered fugitives inside, and quietly shut and locked the door behind them. The sound of many, many feet running by the door was heard, then silence. Auron turned up his oversized collar disdainfully.
"Such unobservant cretins. I hope you two realize that my saving your worthless hides was barely worth my time. However, circumstances have made your assistance invaluable to my plans." he sniffed airily.
"Bite me, ghost-boy. What plans did you have in mind?" Dante snapped, dusting off his trenchcoat.
"You and your little furry friend are going to help Squall and I get Cloud to your room, so that he may be transported by tunnel to a safe, Tifa and Aeris free zone of the castle. Probably one of the unexplored sections that are inhabited by new and dangerous species of monsters. Much easier to handle than Tifa and Aeris combined. And Cloud needs medical attention."
"What's wrong with him? He seemed to come through the fight with Fara okay." Dante inquired.
"'Seemed' being the key word in that statement. He has a gaping wound in his side due to Fara's extraordinarily sharp claws. We need to find Kimahri. He's the best healer on the Rainbow Soldiers, second only to Yuna, of the Femme Fatales." Squall answered.
"Well, shave my legs and call me grandma. I could've sworn he was just fine." Dante whistled, fully aware that Fara usually poisoned her claws for the hunt.
"Who Kimahri?" Crash asked.
"Big fellow, catlike, bipedal, blue fur, and a broken horn in the middle of his forehead." Auron listed.
"Oh him! I meet him about breakfast, hunting for food in forest outside castle, and....." Crash said brightly.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up a minute here Crash. When you speak, grunt, squeal, or think of my castle, you will capitalize it. Why? Because it's not just any castle, it's MY Castle. Mallet Castle. Mine. That goes for the rest of you punks as well." Dante lectured.
".......As I was speaking, I met Kimahri outside Castle while he was hunting small helpless animals for breakfast. We spake a while, then he left in the direction of the sea."
"So he's gone deep sea fishing again, eh? Well Crash, go get him." Squall said dismissively.
"Huh?"
"Did I stutter? Go get Kimahri and bring him to Dante's room. We'll take it from there."
"But...."
"You heard the man. Get going." Dante said, ushering Crash out the door.
Upon finding himself in the open, Crash immediately sought out the closest patch of shadows he could find. As he made his way down the hall, he heard those footsteps again. Furthermore, he could hear voices as well. He bounded into the rafters and followed the voices to their source. Within one minute, he found Katt, Fara, Tifa, and Aeris. Katt was leaning against the wall with a tired expression on her pretty face.
"I swear, never again will I disturb a sleeping elf. I've never been beaten so badly in my life. Oh, my aching head......" she moaned.
"Here. This ice pack should help. When we find Yuna, she'll fix you right up." Tifa said soothingly.
"Not before I'm seen to. First, Cloud pulled a fast one on me, but I caught him with my claws. Then, Link whales on us like a raging bull, deliberately hitting my injured side with his shield. I'll probably be bedridden for a week, maybe two." Fara coughed from the hallside bench, where she was stretched out in agony.
"I wish I had some painkillers for you, Fara, but I don't. Do you think your wound is serious?" Aeris asked concernedly.
"No worse than Cloud will be once my patented poison goes to work."
"Speaking of that poison...."
But Crash did not deem it worthy to hang around any longer, and swung off through the rafters to find Kimahri. Using his primitive logic, Crash sorted through the most likely places that Kimahri would be. Judging by Kimahri's newly revealed activity, Crash guessed that he would most probably be through fishing by now, and would either be on his way to the Castle, or in one of the many kitchens cooking his meal. Crash tuned his nose to scent raw or cooking fish so as to search more efficiently. Raw fish came to his nose almost immediately, and he rounded the nearest corner to find its source. The scent led to a kitchen and Crash looked in eagerly, hoping to see the object of his search, but found only Zidane dragging a whole swordfish from the refrigerator with a dagger in his hand. Crash paused long enough to watch him heave the fish onto the nearest bar and proceed to draw and quarter it. Crash filed the scene away and moved on. After an hour, he ran across Fox, who had his blaster to a Marionette's head. Going by the broken glass and red stains on Fox and in the carpet, Crash could make an educated guess as to what had happened.
"You clumsy pile of firewood! You idiotic heap of kindling! You appallingly stupid stack of lumber! Do you know what I'm going to have to do with the clothes I'm wearing now?" Fox yelled, "They're all going to have to be thrown away! I'd order you to be more careful the next time you carry red wine, but by God there won't be a next time for you! If you have any last words, you'll have to tell them to Satan! See you in hell!" And he blew its head off. A red mist of blood floated in the air for a moment, the settled to the floor, adding to the red stains in the carpet. Fox stalked off, swearing up and down that all Marionettes everywhere were stupid, clumsy, idiotic, and other things that are best left unrepeated.
Crash filed away several new and interesting words in his vocabulary, and then resumed his search for Kimahri. After two more hours of fruitless searching, he decided to take a break. The next kitchen he came to was too good to pass up, so he went on in. Inside the comforting environment of the kitchen, he went straight for the fridge. He rooted about in the cool interior, and resurfaced with a piece of cake, two cooked hot dogs, a bagel, four strips of raw bacon, an apple, and a pitcher full of lemonade. And that was just the appetizer. He seated himself at the table and began eating. By 'eating' I mean 'voraciously tearing into anything that looked remotely like food within a five-foot radius.'
"Hungry, little one?" a vaguely familiar voice said from across the table. Crash looked up briefly and beheld a sorta familiar blue-furred face, with a dimly remembered broken horn. Everything took a backseat to Crash's appetite, even the memory of everyday objects such as tables and metal blocks. They were all food to him in his present state. Similar conditions exist in Dante, but to a somewhat lesser degree. Primed with that interesting tidbit of data, it should be easy for even the thickest of you readers out there reading this mind-numbingly amusing story to see why Crash did not recognize Kimahri, the reason behind his search in the first place.
Crash uttered an affirming grunt then turned himself back to the task of shoving 'food' down his throat. After ten minutes of watching Crash inhale anything within the aforementioned radius, Kimahri sighed and got up from the table and left Crash to his own devices. As he exited the kitchen, it finally dawned on Crash that the person he had just been grunting at looked suspiciously like Kimahri. But it couldn't be, his tiny mind reasoned, because Kimahri had just been fishing, and would have caught some fish. Crash had not smelled any fish in the kitchen he was in, cooked or raw. Smoke began to waft out of Crash's ears as he tried to figure this puzzle out. Finally coming to a conclusion, he decided to check the character in question out and see if he was Kimahri or not.
He leaped up from the table and tore out of the room. He caught up with Kimahri in two seconds, and stood there, glaring suspiciously at Kimahri. Kimahri started at his sudden appearance, then glared right back. After three minutes of this staring contest, it became apparent to Kimahri, whose eyes were watering slightly, that Crash had no intention of blinking. He probably didn't need to. So, as to not lose the contest, Kimahri poked Crash in the eyes. Crash yelped and jumped back, blinking furiously to ease the pain in his orbs of vision.
"Is there something I can help you with, oh small one of smaller brain?" Kimahri asked.
"Who are you?" Crash asked, feeling blindly about for his quarry.
Kimahri backed up just out of Crash's reach and replied, "I am Kimahri, remember? We met in the forest not too long ago."
"How I know if it really you? You might be imposter." Crash said.
"Oh? And how do you come to the conclusion that I might not be who I say I am?" Kimahri inquired, raising an amused eyebrow.
"Because a while ago, you went deep-sea fishing. Then you came back. Now, if you were the real Kimahri, you would have come in and cooked your catch. I smelled no such smells on you or in the kitchen you were just in."
"What if I told you that I did not catch anything?"
That stopped Crash cold. He had not even entertained the notion that Kimahri had been as unsuccessful in his fishing as Cloud is at keeping Tifa and Aeris under control. That would explain why his nose had not helped track him at all. For all Crash knew, he might have come a room away from Kimahri and passed him right on by in the mistaken belief that Kimahri would be carrying or cooking fish. "Nothing at all?"
"Nothing at all, which seems to be the sum total of your brain power and common sense. What do you need me for?"
Crash related all that had happened to Cloud and the rest since Crash had joined them. When he finished, Kimahri shook his head resignedly.
"If it wasn't for me, you'd all die of food poisoning caused by eating hemlock on your salads because you mistook it for lettuce. Alright, where are they now?"
And so it was that Crash found his man and returned with him to Dante's room. When they arrived, they found the place trashed beyond all belief. There were bullet holes in the walls, craters in the floor, the bed was ripped apart, the single window was shattered, the door hanging on one hinge, a knife stuck in the door frame, and the secret tunnel hatch swinging forlornly open. All in all, it looked like the girls had found Dante and the rest of the escort convoy and had jumped them in the room just as they were about to open the hatch. That meant tunnel fighting was either raging now, or had already finished with one side or the other victorious. An explosion sounded from the depths of the tunnels. So the scrap was still on.
"Two words. Oh. Shit." Kimahri stated simply.
"What we do now?" Crash asked.
"What do you mean, 'we'? You're the one going in there to get Cloud out."
"What?!? No way! I not go in there for one hundred....." A shotgun blast sang out from the foreboding mouth of the tunnels, followed by a sustained burst of heavy machine gun fire. Crash rethought his statement. "......five hundred hamburgers."
"Don't you care about his safety and well-being?"
"Not anymore."
"You selfish little bastard. Fine, I'll go in and rescue Cloud. I'll be the one who has his everlasting gratitude and thanks. I'll be the one he calls on in the future when he's in trouble. I'll get the reward, which will probably be money in ridiculous amounts. All while you tear out all the hair on your small head in jealousy and frustration, wishing that you had saved him instead of me." Kimahri said disgustedly as he crouched down to enter the hatch.
"Wait just one burger-chomping minute," Crash exclaimed, tapping Kimahri on his broad shoulder, "What was that about money?"
"What, the part about getting paid money in ridiculous amounts? What about it?"
"Imagine how much food I could buy with that much money! At least a thousand burgers! I'll do it!" And Crash shoved Kimahri aside in order to squirm headlong into the dark recesses of hell......
A bullet buried itself in the tunnel wall directly in front of Dante's nose. He ducked backwards and crawled back the way he had come, which led to a dead end. Once he was reasonably sure he was unobserved, he took a moment to rub the drop of blood on the end of his nose away. He was in deep bull excretement. The escort had become separated in the tunnels, and now were scattered all over the network. Dante wished he had someone to talk to right now, as he hated the idea of dying alone in the tunnels. Well, okay, maybe not die. Capture and torture anyway. Regardless, he wished there were someone, anyone (almost) there to share his fate.
'Ah, well. No one lives forever.' He thought, 'Might as well go out with a bang!' Dante loaded his shotgun, checked his pistols to see if they were jammed, and downed a coke to psych himself up. As ready as one can be for this sort of thing, he straightened to a half-crouch, which was all he could manage in the cramped confines of the tunnel, and went to work.
"Here I am, all you pyschobitches out there! Come and get me if you can!" He bellowed as he burst onto the last place he was shot at from. He immediately unloaded both barrels of his shotgun into the hole, and threw himself into the fray. He connected solidly with a warm, furry body, and struggled fiercely with it until he realized that it wasn't fighting back. Dante froze, suspecting a new trap of some kind. When nothing happened for fifteen whole minutes, he reassessed his position. The fact that the body was furry and had obviously female proportions showed that the inert form was, or at least a dummy of, Fara, Katt, or Freya. Dante knew for a fact that all three killers could take a shotgun blast and a mere tackle without blacking out. He felt for a pulse, and found a strong and healthy one coursing through the wrist. He felt the facial features, and found that they were canine in nature. Unless another uninvited guest had invaded his Castle, he was lying on none other than Fara Pheonix. As if the inanimate body was coated in holy water, Dante sprang off before she came around.
Dante dashed off while the dashin' was good, and only stopped to rest when he realized he was completely lost. He paused for breath and tried to puzzle out Fara's comatose state. After much unsuccessful deliberating, he decided to go back and see if there were any clues he had missed in his headlong flight from the scene. When he turned around and started off, he had only to go a small distance before he noticed unusual scrapes on the wall and deep footprints in the soft floor. He stared at them quizzically as he made his way back down the tunnel, and then finally realized that they were the markings of his jaunt. No wonder the girls always found it so easy to track him. He made a mental note to be more careful in the future, but before the mental memo could be filed away, he had reached his destination, and it was forgotten (slow mind processes). He studied the small room and discovered that Fara had apparently come around and moved off. He also found sneaker footprints in a direct line from one entrance of the room to Fara's previous bed, then in a second line out another exit.
'Now, hold on a minute. Who in the Castle wears sneakers?' Dante thought. 'Zidane wears thief boots, I wear Manly Men brand knee-high boots, Squall wears Cool Dudes shoes, Cloud wears standard issue military boots, Barret wears homemade clodhoppers, Auron wears custom-made broughans, Cid wears rocket man footwear, and Fox wears metallic boots.' Dante thought some more. And then more. Then a lot more. Finally, just before he'd been thinking so long as to qualify in the 'helluva lot more' rank, he snapped his fingers and grinned evilly. Crash wore sneakers. Big, red ones in fact. Dante sniggered to himself for at least five minutes there, not paying the least attention to the world about him. If a hunter had come upon him then, he would have been tackled to the ground and hogtied like the farm animal the name implies. But, none of that mattered at the moment to him, as he was for too preoccupied thinking about the girl's predicament.
"Damn!" Squall exclaimed as a grenade went off not ten feet from his position. The girls' aim was getting too close for comfort. Bullets cut the air around him as he fought to hold his position, but it was a losing battle. Barret had already sacrificed himself so that Squall and the rest might escape, but he was overrun in a matter of oh, say, half a minute tops. Just before Squall was about to desert his post in the interest of self-preservation, Auron appeared at his side, using his monstrous blade as a shield of sorts and delivered some news.
"I hope you weren't planning on running, Squall. For the simple reason that there is no longer anywhere to run to. All that's left is maybe fifty more feet of tunnel, then we're stray cats in the middle of a rottweiler dog show." Auron said cheerily.
Squall stared a moment, and before he could say a word about Auron's less-than-appropriate attitude toward the mess they were in, Malon charged around the corner and bulled into Squall. Squall struggled fitfully as Auron attempted to drag Malon off him. Just then, Tidus dashed up.
"For God's sake, Malon, get a room for Chrissakes!" he yelled, so as to be heard over the din.
Malon paused her throttling of Squall for the scant seconds it took to glare hatefully at Tidus, and a few seconds of relative inactivity was all Auron needed to heave her bodily off of Squall and throw her back down the tunnel. She bounced twice, then hissed balefully and retreated back to the rest of the women.
Squall sat up and massaged his throat. "Good one, Tidus. Remind me to thank you later, providing we all live through this. Let's get out of here before Malon decides break time is over."
And with that bright statement, they retreated with all due haste to the end of the line, where Cloud was sitting up with his back to the wall. Cloud gazed at them mournfully. "They're close, aren't they? *cough* I'm sorry I got you all into this. I wish God would take pity on us and deliver a miracle of some sort. But, seeing as I haven't been inside any kind of church in all my life, it probably won't happen."
Tidus, Squall, and Auron, being too exhausted to anything other than gasp heavily, did not respond. Presently, the sounds of the approaching enemy could be heard. The guys looked at each other a moment, then hit the dirt. The sounds stopped, and pleasant conversation, of the kind that people (or in this case, she-demons and banshees from hell) use when they are assured of the outcome of a given situation. In this example, it was the victors gloating before they had even won the fight.
Suddenly, several screams were heard, along with gunshots. After twenty seconds of uproarious noise, all was abruptly and unnervingly silent as an Egyptian tomb. The men listened attentively with baited breath, but could discern no unnatural noise in the tunnels, which meant no noise at all.
For several minutes, nothing happened. Then Cloud, startled almost to the point of soiling his drawers, exclaimed, "Crash?!?!?" Naturally this display drew the attention of the others with record-setting alacrity.
"Yeah, it me. What about it?" Crash asked carefully.
"How did you......? Never mind. Let's just beat it before we lose our chance." Tidus said.
And so it was that the guys evaded another sticky situation, with not a little help from Crash. On their way out of the tunnels, they collected Dante and Barret. Dante was still sniggering uncontrollably to himself, and when he saw them with Crash in tow, he burst out laughing. They shrugged his obvious amusement at them off, and proceeded out of the tunnels. At the tunnel mouth, every one patted everyone else on the back and went their own ways. For most, their route would inevitably lead to the in-home bar for rather obvious reasons. As Cloud, who had already been seen to by Kimahri, was staggering off to in a direct line to the bar, Crash tapped him on the back.
Cloud turned wearily around. "What is it, Crash?"
"Kimahri mentioned something about getting paid money in ridiculous amounts if I saved you."
"Did he? Well, here's your pay. See you later, buddy." Cloud said as he handed Crash a penny and slumped off. Crash was left staring at a next-to-worthless copper coin, stupefied at this surprising turn of events. Then his mind recalled exactly what Kimahri had said. 'Getting paid money in ridiculous amounts.' Crash had made the dangerous assumption then that 'ridiculous amounts' meant 'a butt-load of cold, hard cash.' But, as it happened, he was paid all of one whole cent. When Crash went over his weekly thinking allowance and deliberated some more, he found that one measly penny was a pretty ridiculous amount. Satisfied with his newfound revelation, he strutted proudly off, flipping the penny up and down in the air.