The Cast
Villains and others (idiots):
Ganondorf--Quite possibly the stupidest thing ever born. I mean, he was foolish enough to challenge Link, wasn't he? Fool. Anyway, he is characterized by a large frame, green skin, an idiocy to match George Bush, and a fool's accent. His designated area of the castle is an underground cave with an airtight door. You would not believe the smell. His "room" consists of a large pool of acrid slime, a compost heap for a bed, and a hole in the floor for a toilet. We don't know (and don't ask) what he eats, though it's sure to be something..."special." He's been killed for various transgressions, but he always pops up the next day. Makes a great punching bag/shooting target.
Sephiroth--Now here is one bizarre piece of work. Besides having the self-destroying delusion of being able to beat Cloud, his mind is screwed up beyond belief and help. He once tried to force a huge meteor to collide with the Earth. Cloud and Co. took it rather personally. It probably had something to do with the fact that Sephiroth once called Cloud a Weak-Ass-Pansy-That-Couldn't-Kill-A-Butterfly. In the end, Cloud made Sephiroth eat his words, plus a whole lotta other shit. Sephiroth is recognizable by his large black trenchcoat, vacant stare, and a sword as long as Cloud's, but pitifully thin. Known (and hated) worldwide for almost killing Aeris while she was praying. Cowardly bastard.
Seymour--This freak is Tidus' problem. He tried to become an all-powerful being to destroy the world and end all suffering. To end all suffering in itself is an admirable goal, but Seymour had one hell of a way to go about it. Tidus was forced to go Cloud 9 on his sorry ass to keep his deranged vision of a "better" world from ever coming to pass. Sporting some of the wildest hair this side of the universe, Seymour has a girlish tone of voice, a paunch, and weird veins on his forehead. Like all baddies, he has little to no actual brainpower other than the "brilliance" that comes with being born evil.
Mundus--Ah, Mundus. Here is the perfect example of stupidity personified. Dante's former competitor for the "All-Time-Ruler-Of-Mallet-Island." Needless to say, Dante kicked his ass so hard that it was pitiful to watch. It almost made you feel sorry for him. Almost. Mundus is a towering statue of stone, and as such can get away with no kind of secrecy at all. As if to add insult to injury, he is now Dante's top slave, and if something goes wrong in the castle, Mundus is almost always the first to blame. Then comes Crash, then Zidane, but I digress. Mundus loves to pretend that he's still the ruler of Mallet Island, but only when Dante's not around to hear. If Dante does hear, strange and disturbing things happen to Mundus. On a side note, Mundus was also the King of Hell, but Dante ruthlessly took that position from him too.
Phantom--Phantom bears no likeness to his namesake. He is a huge lava spider that is loud, and generally easy to pick out in a crowd. A former servant to Mundus, he now serves Dante and the rest at the castle grudgingly, but on pain of death if he steps out of line. When he and Dante first met, Phantom made the mistake of bruising Dante's ego. This matter finally ended with Phantom impaled on the business end of a large stone pike, and lava-boy barely escaped with his life. His distinguishing features include a scorpion's tail, eight eyes, a hard shell, and the general look of a spider, albeit one that bleeds lava. His spawn swarm all over the castle, but Link and Squall started a campaign that has resulted in the baby Phantoms retreat into the darkest recesses of the castle.
Griffon--Another former servant to Mundus, Griffon is, as you might guess, a giant bird. He can control the elements of wind and lightning, and was one of Mundus' oldest and most loyal servants. That is, until Dante came to town and "convinced" him of the error of his ways. This "persuasion" took quite a while, though, and finally came to a head when Griffon was almost crushed to death under a stone pillar, courtesy of, who else, Dante. Griffon is almost impossible to miss, whether he's flying high in his rounds around the castle (turd alert!) or is scratching in the castle yard for something, anything, to eat.
Marionettes--These are the mindless pee-ons that keep the castle running through low, degrading, menial work. Laundry, cleaning, and bill paying. God only knows where they get the money. Probably by putting on puppet shows or something like that. They are literally puppets. Made of wood and possessed by demonic spirits, they used to roam Mallet Island freely until Trish organized press gangs to force them to work. In numbers, they can be dangerous, but such peasant uprisings are rare. Singly, they are laughably weak. If one so much as looks at one of the "masters" funny, it can lead to disastrous results for them all.
Blades--Blades are the parasites and squatters that staunchly refuse to work for Dante or anyone else. Reptilian in look and nature, their furtive habits, only recently acquired since the takeover of the castle, have earned them the not-so-affectionate nickname of "rats." Blades avoid conflict whenever possible, but are usually behind monster uprisings, and are ferocious fighters alone or in a group, particularly when protecting a nest, which is about the only time they'll fight in the open. Interestingly, their cousins, the Frosts, are willing to earn their keep by lowering electricity bills by operating in such areas as freezers, refrigerators, air conditioners, and other low-temperature jobs.
Seifer Almasy--Squall's rival in the fine art of gunblade usage, Seifer is also Rinoa's former boyfriend. They parted ways, however, when he began to uphold the Sorceress Edea, who was, was mind you, an evil being who lusted for, what else, power. Back to Seifer, he was the Sorceress' Knight, and was loyal only to her. A bit of a snob, Seifer finally saw the light after his spectacular defeat by Squall. He now hangs around the castle, mostly staying out of everyone's business. Except when Squall meets him in the hall or enters the same room. Though Seifer is no longer an active villain, his rivalry with Squall has not changed. This makes him an annoyance to Squall and anyone else around when Seifer spots him. Whether or not Squall's obvious connections with Rinoa have anything to do with it has yet to be proven, as he never talks unnecessarily about himself, and almost never bothers Rinoa at all.
Kuja--Holeey shyit what do we have here? This guy is Zidane's own personal cross-dressing pain-in-the-ass. His plans for the world were standard, you know, take it over, make a few changes here and there, until he learned that he was just a prototype Zidane. Then he flipped even worse than he already was. You see, Kuja was just meant to be a test, a lab rat if you will, for an upcoming project, Zidane. Zidane was the one really meant to cause war between the three great nations of the world. Zidane was the one meant to take the world over. And ultimately destroy it, but that's beside the point. When Kuja found out, he made it his mission to destroy not just the world, but Crystal of Life itself. Thus Zidane, ignorant about his true purpose until Kuja flipped, decided not to destroy the world, but to save it. Kuja is hard to recognize as a man at first, mainly because he dresses like a female employee at a strip club. I'll leave it to your fertile imaginations to conjecture what this says about his outlook on life in general. The 'man' even talks like a woman worse than Seymour does.
Diablo, Lord of Terror--Fancy name huh? This is your standard, generic demon lord. He looks badass, but any one of the guys could take him single-handed. He is large, red, scaly, and has a large gem sticking out of his forehead. He was introduced to the castle when he decided it would make a good place from which to build his Empire of Hell. His delusions of grandeur were shattered, however, when he met up with Fox in a long, dark hall. It seems Fox was just coming in from batting practice, and he still wasn't quite ready to put the bat away. The Lord of Terror was living up to his namesake to an admirable degree by the time he got out of the out of the castle. He was lucky, he got away with only a shattered kneecap (Fox), a cracked thigh bone (Link), two black eyes (Trish), a dislocated arm (Dante), a slit liver (Zidane), a missing tail (Fara), one broken, one missing horn (Crash), a fractured skull (Squall), a mutilated hand (Cloud), a rather unexpected sepository (Cid), and numerous cuts and abrasions all over his scaly hide. Oh the pain. *snicker.* Oh before I forget, a super-duper all-powerful foot-crushing Crotch Kick was delivered by none other than Freya Crescent, and I imagine he limped all the long way home.
Imps--These are the next step up from Marionettes. They have brown, leathery skin and white spikes jutting from their hides in many places. Aside from the fact that they are easily brought down with just about any weapon, large hordes are dangerous, if only because there are more to claw at you. Besides clawing frantically at you, they can hawk a loogie into their hands. This might seem only to be a disgusting display of alien inferiority to humans, but, in fact, their mucus chemically reacts to oxygen and bursts into flame, effectively providing the Imps with a hazardous projectile. All in all, they are a more serious threat than Marionettes, but should be no problem for anyone who is able to eke out a living in Dante's Castle.
Demons--Imagine an unusually large shaved gorilla with stubby arms and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth, massive enough to swallow Dante's ego whole. That about sums up your standard Demon. Completely devoid of ranged attacks, they are only a threat when they manage to get close enough to bite you. If they do get close enough, however, you'd better get a move on fast or you'll suddenly be suffering a severe case of Missing Arm. They have trouble with stairs though, and can easily be picked off if they encounter any, as they become confused over the smallest step.
Cacodemons--These floating monstrosities have the general shape and color of a pumpkin. They could probably pass as rather large pumpkins, if it weren't for the fact that the have painfully obvious teeth and one glaring, angry green eye. When they sight a likely meal prospect, they shoot balls of lightning out of their mouths to stun and disorient their prey before moving in for the kill. Rarely seen in groups, they are usually encountered alone, and as such are relatively easy to combat if you keep your wits about you. The only good thing about them is their size. They are so big that it is practically impossible to miss.
Cyberdemons--These bad boys are probably the single most dangerous enemies you can meet. They are so dangerous for the simple fact that they have rocket launchers for their left arms. Barret claims that they stole his idea. Regardless, you definitely don't want to face one of these guys alone. If there is more than one, avoid combat if at all possible. The only advantages you have over these titans are their size and the slow speed of their rockets. Their size makes it impossible for them to enter small doorways and passages that you, as a small, insignificant ant, can. The speed of their rockets is fast, but slow enough to allow you time to dodge if you can see it coming. So make an effort to see it coming.
Villains and others (idiots):
Ganondorf--Quite possibly the stupidest thing ever born. I mean, he was foolish enough to challenge Link, wasn't he? Fool. Anyway, he is characterized by a large frame, green skin, an idiocy to match George Bush, and a fool's accent. His designated area of the castle is an underground cave with an airtight door. You would not believe the smell. His "room" consists of a large pool of acrid slime, a compost heap for a bed, and a hole in the floor for a toilet. We don't know (and don't ask) what he eats, though it's sure to be something..."special." He's been killed for various transgressions, but he always pops up the next day. Makes a great punching bag/shooting target.
Sephiroth--Now here is one bizarre piece of work. Besides having the self-destroying delusion of being able to beat Cloud, his mind is screwed up beyond belief and help. He once tried to force a huge meteor to collide with the Earth. Cloud and Co. took it rather personally. It probably had something to do with the fact that Sephiroth once called Cloud a Weak-Ass-Pansy-That-Couldn't-Kill-A-Butterfly. In the end, Cloud made Sephiroth eat his words, plus a whole lotta other shit. Sephiroth is recognizable by his large black trenchcoat, vacant stare, and a sword as long as Cloud's, but pitifully thin. Known (and hated) worldwide for almost killing Aeris while she was praying. Cowardly bastard.
Seymour--This freak is Tidus' problem. He tried to become an all-powerful being to destroy the world and end all suffering. To end all suffering in itself is an admirable goal, but Seymour had one hell of a way to go about it. Tidus was forced to go Cloud 9 on his sorry ass to keep his deranged vision of a "better" world from ever coming to pass. Sporting some of the wildest hair this side of the universe, Seymour has a girlish tone of voice, a paunch, and weird veins on his forehead. Like all baddies, he has little to no actual brainpower other than the "brilliance" that comes with being born evil.
Mundus--Ah, Mundus. Here is the perfect example of stupidity personified. Dante's former competitor for the "All-Time-Ruler-Of-Mallet-Island." Needless to say, Dante kicked his ass so hard that it was pitiful to watch. It almost made you feel sorry for him. Almost. Mundus is a towering statue of stone, and as such can get away with no kind of secrecy at all. As if to add insult to injury, he is now Dante's top slave, and if something goes wrong in the castle, Mundus is almost always the first to blame. Then comes Crash, then Zidane, but I digress. Mundus loves to pretend that he's still the ruler of Mallet Island, but only when Dante's not around to hear. If Dante does hear, strange and disturbing things happen to Mundus. On a side note, Mundus was also the King of Hell, but Dante ruthlessly took that position from him too.
Phantom--Phantom bears no likeness to his namesake. He is a huge lava spider that is loud, and generally easy to pick out in a crowd. A former servant to Mundus, he now serves Dante and the rest at the castle grudgingly, but on pain of death if he steps out of line. When he and Dante first met, Phantom made the mistake of bruising Dante's ego. This matter finally ended with Phantom impaled on the business end of a large stone pike, and lava-boy barely escaped with his life. His distinguishing features include a scorpion's tail, eight eyes, a hard shell, and the general look of a spider, albeit one that bleeds lava. His spawn swarm all over the castle, but Link and Squall started a campaign that has resulted in the baby Phantoms retreat into the darkest recesses of the castle.
Griffon--Another former servant to Mundus, Griffon is, as you might guess, a giant bird. He can control the elements of wind and lightning, and was one of Mundus' oldest and most loyal servants. That is, until Dante came to town and "convinced" him of the error of his ways. This "persuasion" took quite a while, though, and finally came to a head when Griffon was almost crushed to death under a stone pillar, courtesy of, who else, Dante. Griffon is almost impossible to miss, whether he's flying high in his rounds around the castle (turd alert!) or is scratching in the castle yard for something, anything, to eat.
Marionettes--These are the mindless pee-ons that keep the castle running through low, degrading, menial work. Laundry, cleaning, and bill paying. God only knows where they get the money. Probably by putting on puppet shows or something like that. They are literally puppets. Made of wood and possessed by demonic spirits, they used to roam Mallet Island freely until Trish organized press gangs to force them to work. In numbers, they can be dangerous, but such peasant uprisings are rare. Singly, they are laughably weak. If one so much as looks at one of the "masters" funny, it can lead to disastrous results for them all.
Blades--Blades are the parasites and squatters that staunchly refuse to work for Dante or anyone else. Reptilian in look and nature, their furtive habits, only recently acquired since the takeover of the castle, have earned them the not-so-affectionate nickname of "rats." Blades avoid conflict whenever possible, but are usually behind monster uprisings, and are ferocious fighters alone or in a group, particularly when protecting a nest, which is about the only time they'll fight in the open. Interestingly, their cousins, the Frosts, are willing to earn their keep by lowering electricity bills by operating in such areas as freezers, refrigerators, air conditioners, and other low-temperature jobs.
Seifer Almasy--Squall's rival in the fine art of gunblade usage, Seifer is also Rinoa's former boyfriend. They parted ways, however, when he began to uphold the Sorceress Edea, who was, was mind you, an evil being who lusted for, what else, power. Back to Seifer, he was the Sorceress' Knight, and was loyal only to her. A bit of a snob, Seifer finally saw the light after his spectacular defeat by Squall. He now hangs around the castle, mostly staying out of everyone's business. Except when Squall meets him in the hall or enters the same room. Though Seifer is no longer an active villain, his rivalry with Squall has not changed. This makes him an annoyance to Squall and anyone else around when Seifer spots him. Whether or not Squall's obvious connections with Rinoa have anything to do with it has yet to be proven, as he never talks unnecessarily about himself, and almost never bothers Rinoa at all.
Kuja--Holeey shyit what do we have here? This guy is Zidane's own personal cross-dressing pain-in-the-ass. His plans for the world were standard, you know, take it over, make a few changes here and there, until he learned that he was just a prototype Zidane. Then he flipped even worse than he already was. You see, Kuja was just meant to be a test, a lab rat if you will, for an upcoming project, Zidane. Zidane was the one really meant to cause war between the three great nations of the world. Zidane was the one meant to take the world over. And ultimately destroy it, but that's beside the point. When Kuja found out, he made it his mission to destroy not just the world, but Crystal of Life itself. Thus Zidane, ignorant about his true purpose until Kuja flipped, decided not to destroy the world, but to save it. Kuja is hard to recognize as a man at first, mainly because he dresses like a female employee at a strip club. I'll leave it to your fertile imaginations to conjecture what this says about his outlook on life in general. The 'man' even talks like a woman worse than Seymour does.
Diablo, Lord of Terror--Fancy name huh? This is your standard, generic demon lord. He looks badass, but any one of the guys could take him single-handed. He is large, red, scaly, and has a large gem sticking out of his forehead. He was introduced to the castle when he decided it would make a good place from which to build his Empire of Hell. His delusions of grandeur were shattered, however, when he met up with Fox in a long, dark hall. It seems Fox was just coming in from batting practice, and he still wasn't quite ready to put the bat away. The Lord of Terror was living up to his namesake to an admirable degree by the time he got out of the out of the castle. He was lucky, he got away with only a shattered kneecap (Fox), a cracked thigh bone (Link), two black eyes (Trish), a dislocated arm (Dante), a slit liver (Zidane), a missing tail (Fara), one broken, one missing horn (Crash), a fractured skull (Squall), a mutilated hand (Cloud), a rather unexpected sepository (Cid), and numerous cuts and abrasions all over his scaly hide. Oh the pain. *snicker.* Oh before I forget, a super-duper all-powerful foot-crushing Crotch Kick was delivered by none other than Freya Crescent, and I imagine he limped all the long way home.
Imps--These are the next step up from Marionettes. They have brown, leathery skin and white spikes jutting from their hides in many places. Aside from the fact that they are easily brought down with just about any weapon, large hordes are dangerous, if only because there are more to claw at you. Besides clawing frantically at you, they can hawk a loogie into their hands. This might seem only to be a disgusting display of alien inferiority to humans, but, in fact, their mucus chemically reacts to oxygen and bursts into flame, effectively providing the Imps with a hazardous projectile. All in all, they are a more serious threat than Marionettes, but should be no problem for anyone who is able to eke out a living in Dante's Castle.
Demons--Imagine an unusually large shaved gorilla with stubby arms and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth, massive enough to swallow Dante's ego whole. That about sums up your standard Demon. Completely devoid of ranged attacks, they are only a threat when they manage to get close enough to bite you. If they do get close enough, however, you'd better get a move on fast or you'll suddenly be suffering a severe case of Missing Arm. They have trouble with stairs though, and can easily be picked off if they encounter any, as they become confused over the smallest step.
Cacodemons--These floating monstrosities have the general shape and color of a pumpkin. They could probably pass as rather large pumpkins, if it weren't for the fact that the have painfully obvious teeth and one glaring, angry green eye. When they sight a likely meal prospect, they shoot balls of lightning out of their mouths to stun and disorient their prey before moving in for the kill. Rarely seen in groups, they are usually encountered alone, and as such are relatively easy to combat if you keep your wits about you. The only good thing about them is their size. They are so big that it is practically impossible to miss.
Cyberdemons--These bad boys are probably the single most dangerous enemies you can meet. They are so dangerous for the simple fact that they have rocket launchers for their left arms. Barret claims that they stole his idea. Regardless, you definitely don't want to face one of these guys alone. If there is more than one, avoid combat if at all possible. The only advantages you have over these titans are their size and the slow speed of their rockets. Their size makes it impossible for them to enter small doorways and passages that you, as a small, insignificant ant, can. The speed of their rockets is fast, but slow enough to allow you time to dodge if you can see it coming. So make an effort to see it coming.