Notes: This fic can be entirely blamed on RubyD, since it was a) her idea, and b) a bribe for her anyway. Also, the idea of Watari with his hair down was inspired by Asidian's fic, "The Incident with the Owl."

Warnings: Yaoi. Tatsumi/Watari (which I've never written before, incidentally), and Tsuzuki/Hisoka references. Also, bizarre circumstances and the anthropomorphizing of 003. Who, if you ask me, may be the smartest member of the entire cast.

Mating Habits of the Species Shinigami

I came to the conclusion the other day that my human, as dearly as I love him, is just an idiot.

This is kind of a long story.

It all started months ago. I remember it very well; it was a stressful time after Tsuzuki-san nearly blew up half the Meifu. Well, it wasn't really his fault. He was catatonic at the time and Suzaku wasn't obeying his orders. And then that creepy man in the white coat showed up and left with him.

But I digress.

The point I'm making here is that when the others returned with Tsuzuki the next day, things started to change. I may be a bird, but I'm a very observant one. (It's one of the defining characteristics of my species. Owls in general are observant, much more so than the average birds. Though hawks may have us beat.) The point I'm making here is that I had noticed my human's undisguised interest in one of his fellow coworkers, this being the scary accountant. I'm sorry, Tatsumi. But Tatsumi was interested in Tsuzuki-san, despite the fact that my human would have been a much better match for him.

I mean, I'll admit to a certain amount of bias, but I was under the impression that Tatsumi and Tsuzuki-san had already once tried a relationship and it hadn't worked out. So whatever was keeping him from being with my human seemed very silly indeed.

However, after the incident in Kyoto, Tsuzuki-san started being much more snuggly with his partner, Hisoka, and after a few weeks, Tatsumi seemed to realize that he didn't have a chance.

As I said, this was months ago. From then on, the snuggliness of the humans in question has only increased, as has Tatsumi's moping.

Which brings us to why my human is an idiot.

It started out innocently enough, he was puttering in his office working on his gender transformation project (which I still have never figured out why he is so intent on making. If you're given a gender, why question it? I suppose a certain amount of curiosity, but I've certainly never wanted to be a male. From my experience, all males are idiots, particularly where matters of romance are concerned).

But then he found his latest budget request on his desk, which naturally Tatsumi had declined to give him. Tatsumi always declines to give it to him on the first try, so my human sends another one. This keeps up until Tatsumi is receiving five or six of the things a day, and agrees just so my human will stop sending them.

For some reason, though, he seemed particularly disheartened on this particular day. So he slumped into his chair and studied the budget request form with a little crease in his forehead. Trying to be useful, as I always am, I flitted down beside him and pulled out another request form.

He accepted it and smiled at me, but then just stared at it. "Maybe I should take it to him in person," he mused.

I landed on the table and gave him a serious look. Without vocal cords, there's only so much I have to work with.

My human sighed, looking decidedly melodramatic. It's unlike him. Maybe he'd gotten up on the wrong side of bed? "But what's the use? He'll just ignore me as usual . . . I don't think he likes me very much."

I nearly fell over. Good God, man, what's wrong with you? He practically dumps a bucket of pheromones on you every time you walk into the room! Even I can smell them, and I'm a different species! How long does he have to give you those looks before you'll figure them out?

Humans are so strange.

I settled for flapping my wings and hooting indignantly, implying that he had better stop being so silly. Or at least, that was what I was trying to imply, but I don't think it came across.

He gives me a funny look. "You don't think so?" he asks, sounding amused. I'll say this for my human -- he can get more out of my hooting than just about any other human I've ever met. He's really quite smart, when it comes to that.

I hoot again and look wise.

"It's just . . ." He sighs. He confides in no one else but me, which is rather sad when you think about it. So let's not think about it. "He was in love with Tsuzuki for so long . . ."

Exactly! You just said it! Was! I know what I'm talking about here; it's not like someone flipped a switch and Tatsumi started liking my human instead, but ever since Kyoto he's been giving him longer and longer looks. And more and more pheromones every time they come into contact.

This may call for serious intervention.

"You're right," my human says decisively, leaving me to wonder what I'm right about. "I'll go bring him a new request . . . maybe I'll be able to convince him."

This being resolved, he bounces down the hallway, back to his normal cheerful self.

I just have to do something about this.

So I flit along behind him, following him along until he stops at Tatsumi's office and knocks. It's nearly lunch time, but we all know that Tatsumi will still be inside. Him, take a break? Even I know that's laughable.

"Ta~tsu~miiiii!"

Tatsumi looks up with a long-suffering expression. There go the pheromones. Bam. It's like getting hit by a truck. No one should be that good at hiding what they're really feeling, sheesh.

I sit complacently through my human's long-winded explanation of why he really needs this research grant, while Tatsumi looks privately amused. Not that my human notices, of course, because he's just that dense. This calls for immediate action.

"I'll think about it," Tatsumi finally says.

That being better than the no he's used to, my human brightens up considerably at this and stands to go. "Arigatou, Tatsumi!"

I flit around his head, then, hovering over the back of his head, pull out his hair ribbon with my claws and take off for the ceiling. My human lets out an indignant squawk that sounds more bird than man and grabs for it, his hair coming loose and spilling around his shoulders. "Get back here with that!"

I lead him on a merry chase around the office while Tatsumi just shakes his head. My human is far too impulsive to think that under normal circumstances, he would look quite silly. Either that or he doesn't care.

I dart around behind Tatsumi's head, and my human obligingly reaches for me, at which point I change direction sharply. He tries to turn -- overbalances -- and goes crashing into Tatsumi. The two of them wind up in a heap on the floor.

My work here is done.

And of course, for a long minute they just stare at each other like idiots. I almost wish that someone else would walk in, if only to see the look on their faces, but that might disrupt the moment. So instead I hover in midair, waiting.

"Ah -- sorry," my human mumbles.

Tatsumi is actually blushing. Hooray for progress! "003 needs to learn some new manners."

"Yeah, I know," he sighs, and gets up, then helps Tatsumi up. Well, I can't have everything at once. I'll find a way to get them to kiss later.

As it is, I flit down and drop the hair ribbon so it lands on Tatsumi's head. He glances up, then takes it. "Turn around," he says.

My human turns a brilliant shade of red, but turns and lets Tatsumi fasten the ribbon in his hair again. He's perfectly capable of doing it by himself, of course, so it only makes me happier that he let Tatsumi do it for him.

"I-I'll see you later," he stammers, and bolts as soon as Tatsumi lets him go. He waits until we're back in his lab to look at me. "I'm going to get you for that," he tells me.

I land on his shoulder and preen.

He mutters something uncomplimentary and gets back to work. Humans make such good pets -- they need a lot of taking care of, but the results are definitely worth it.