Part 5

I'm on autopilot right now, perched on the edge of the sink in Spike's bathroom with only the thin sheet between me and the cold marble. I'm pretty sure my face is blank but inside I'm reeling with the past few hours' events.

I feel horrible. And I'm not just talking about the physical pain from the wounds on my neck and the fact that I don't think I can walk straight anymore. I hurt Spike. When he broke down the bathroom door, I've never been more scared in my life. The look in his eyes was wild…frightening. I could see his demon and tell he was fighting it back. He was that mad at me.

But then, when he pulled me into his arms, I thought maybe things would be ok. Maybe he wasn't as mad as I'd thought. And then I'd cried out my relief, my pain, my fear, my guilt, my regret in his arms. Such strong, comforting arms. I wanted to stay in them forever, to just melt into his chest. But then I'd pulled myself together enough to apologize and I don't know what happened. He went cold. His manner changed.

Right now he's being gentle with me. But I know that there's something else below the surface. His face is as blank as he washes the dried blood from my skin. His hands…God his hands… It'd feel perfect if he wasn't so distant from me. The soapy cloth is warm and soothing and he's being ever so careful with me. Like I'm a china doll or something.

Lestat's hands weren't like that. Lestat… His hands were… They were commanding, powerful. I could feel everything in his hands. All over me. His lips too. I close my eyes as I remember the feel of him. His skin. His lips. His hands. His tongue. His bite.

It was amazing. So much more than the first time I was bitten. The rush. I felt like my energy was flowing out of me- which I guess it was- but at the same time, I was on this high, floating like I was in water but I wasn't…ecstasy that you can only get from a vamp bite. I'd take fangs over cock anytime.

I wonder what Spike's bite would feel like. Now that would be amazing. To get that rush from a vampire like Spike- a vampire who I actually love- would be… No words could describe it.

He's staring at me with those eyes of his. He can smell my arousal. His hand stops for a second. Not even a second. A millisecond. So small a pause that I almost missed it except for the look in his eyes. I've seen that look before. That little burst of flame that I used to think was for me. I'd given up hope but now…maybe…

His touch suddenly changes. No longer is it the empty carefulness of a moment ago. It's soft and gentle and in his touch I can feel his need. No. It has to be my imagination. Could he…?

The cloth dabs at my neck. I hiss at the pain of it and he gives me an apologetic look and caresses my cheek, leaving a trail of ice where his hand touched my hot skin. My breathing grows more shallow and I inch towards him.

Those eyes… They look into mine uncertainly as the cloth slides down my throat, over my chest, and stops above the sheet. Carefully I drop the crimson stained sheet and a falls around my waist.

Spike's gaze lingers for a moment on my breasts. Then he begins to wipe away the blood dried between them. So gentle… So soft… He's closer to me now. Standing between my legs, his face inches from mine.

I look at his lips. They're so kissable…the bottom full while the top is barely there at all. I want to kiss him. So bad it hurts. And I'm going to. Now or never. I'm going to take this chance. Hell, I took a chance with my life by sleeping with Lestat. Why not this?

Wait. I stop myself. What I'm risking here is different. I'm risking my relationship with Spike. Things are never going to be the same between us. What if he doesn't love me like I love him? What if I'm reading him wrong? He's probably operating on full-demon mode right now with the scent of my blood and my arousal all around him.

Would he regret it? Would he push me away after? I couldn't face that. "Spike…" I meant that to sound like a protest. It came out as a moan. Apparently that was all the invite he needed.

His lips are on mine. Cool like Lestat's but there's an electricity between us that was lacking with the other vampire. I feel it but I don't name it. I can't. Not now. Because I know it isn't real. None of this is.

I remember hearing Buffy talk once about the nature of vampires. They're extremely territorial. Somewhere in the recesses of Spike's mind, he thinks of me as his just like he thinks of Dawn and all the Scoobies as his. That's all this is. Marking his territory. Claiming what's his.

I don't want this. If he doesn't love me, I'm not going to lose what little I have with him because I couldn't control myself. I already lost control with Lestat. I won't with Spike. Spike means too much.

I have to jerk myself away, and tears spring to my eyes at the loss of contact. "W-We…we can't," I hear myself say. "No."

Damn it. There's that hurt puppy dog look. He steps back, averting his eyes. He's ashamed of what we did. Ashamed of that kiss. Thank God I stopped that when I did. If he regrets one little kiss so much then I shudder to think what the reaction would be if I'd let it progress to where I wanted it to just now.

Suddenly I'm very aware of the fact that I'm topless. Frantically, I gather the sheet around me and mumble something about getting dressed before running out of the room.

*****

Bloody fucking sodding hell! Damn it! How could I have been so stupid? I kissed her. I fucking kissed her. What is wrong with me? I've just buggered up everything I've been trying to preserve. Dawn was wrong. Jade doesn't love me. Not like I love her.

But she sure as hell better not love that bloody ponce…Lestat. I'll kill him. I'll stake him soon as night falls. Hell, I should go through the sewers now and find him. He's going to pay for playing her like this. Oldest trick in the book. Something right out of Angelus' manual. Obviously Lestat is one of those poofy "artistry" killers or else Jade'd be dead right now.

I shudder and push that thought from my head.

He's making her want it. Crave it. He'll take a little bit of her blood and a little bit of her control at a time. Maybe three, four times before she's bloody begging him and he'll kill her…probably turn her. Bastard. She's already craving, I know. She always has craved. But now she's lost some of her control and she'll seek him out soon. Bloody hell.

I race into her room, the door's been propped up in the doorway to give her a bit of privacy. I push it out of the way. It's empty.

TBC…

Please review, guys! Or e-mail me! Just tell me what you think- what you like or hate or even if you think this sucks, I need feedback!