© 2002 Copyright by Gold
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VIII belongs to Squaresoft.
Sorry. Stupid school. Too much homework. Happy reading, everyone. *stalks off to do more homework*
*runs back* I forgot! Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I forgot I'd broken the 200 barrier. . I am so blur at times.
In Who's Name?
Part 21: Behind The Mask
She was curled in a foetal position, arms held protectively over her face, as if hiding from the light of day. Her eyes were tightly shut behind those arms, and her teeth bit down on her lower lip, almost until it bled, but not quite. Despite everything, control was still hers. It was manifest in the taut way she held herself, and the way that her arms were poised. She was protecting herself, but it was not a cowering gesture. She would fight if need be. But in her mind, in her mind…she fought the worst battle she had ever had to fight.
At six, she was a small child desperately trying to help, and failing.
At ten, she was an older child, but still a child, shy and quiet, and timid as a mouse in a huge school with students all years older than she was. Terrified of everything, yet determined to survive…
At fifteen, she was a shy, lonely girl, with no friends—they were all either too old for her, too interested in her looks, or disinterested in the young teenager. She liked to read, her thirst for knowledge driving her onwards, and the library was her home, away from the rest of the world. They were the companions who were her equal, who could fight with her on the level she craved most to find a jousting partner—her mind…
At seventeen, she was an instructor, brilliant and beautiful…and somehow, tired.
I…I feel so lonely sometimes…and I'm not so very old, am I? I wish I had a friend of my heart. Xu…is too different. Sometimes she doesn't understand, and she has a different life. I've tried so hard. I know Squall and I could have been friends…and maybe more. I don't want him to be a mercenary like the others say he will. He's not cold. He isn't. I know it… I always know things. I'm his instructor, and I'm his age. If I don't get close to him, he may go down that way. I know he's not that type of person. He's not cold, not really. I mustn't let him be.
So why can't I? Why? Talk to a wall?...Talk—to a wall! Squall…after everything I've done, after everything I've tried to do, this…is hell. Do I ask for so much, that you can't even give it to me? You don't care at all. Nothing. I can see it in your eyes, in your face…in your heart. Your gunblade means more to you than I do. I give everything I can to my classes, defend my students, guard them, and I end up empty-handed. Not even an acknowledgement. I don't ask for thanks. But you look right through me, Squall…why?...Of them all, you and Seifer…and I thought you'd be easier to approach…it seems I was wrong…it seems I'm always wrong, even about Seifer…
…not an instructor…not an instructor…Headmaster…I live for my students, do you know that?...Do you know how it is to drain yourself every day, and to experience near collapse at the end of every week, a wreck inside, because you gave too much of yourself?...I don't want my students to wander through SeeD instruction courses blindly, as I did…I took five years to reach SeeD…I don't want them to be blind like I was…nobody helped me, until Xu came along…I've given it all, and now you tell me this…what will I do now? What can I do?...What will other people think of me?...
… I'm always too late. Oh—if only I had come sooner! Why couldn't I catch up with him? I'm his instructor, damn it all! I hope she doesn't kill him, dear Hyne, please don't let that happen…he looked so strange when she took him in. Why did he go willingly? What did she do to him? Will she hold him hostage? Will she torture him? This is all my fault! I can't do anything right. It's all wrong…the world is crazy, and I can't do anything…Seifer…if you die, if she does anything to you, it's my fault…I couldn't get to you in time to help you…I swear I'll make her pay, and I'll bring the whole Garden—every Garden if I have to!...
…Seifer…I don't want to hurt you. But if I have to, I have to. Seifer…this is not you. My boy...What are you doing here, Knight to the Sorceress? I taught you…have you already forgotten what I taught? Or is it because I was such a bad instructor? Am I so bad an instructor? You always hated me…you were only jealous of Squall…isn't that why you deliberately made things difficult for me? I was so stupid…I never guessed…the other instructors never had so much trouble with you. To them, you were a bad egg, with an attitude. But you tried to give me more trouble, didn't you? You hated my classes…and yet I spent so much time and trouble, and I didn't want to give you up…I'm always wrong... I can't do things right…I should have transferred you to another class…you might have made it there…
…You told me that once…you said I wouldn't make it. You said I couldn't make it…You were right. Headmaster took away my licence, my students don't care if I'm dead or alive, Squall looks at me like I'm his pencil case, but looks at Rinoa like she's the most amazing thing in the world, the only being in the world worth noticing…how does Rinoa do it? She didn't even know him. And now it seems she knows you too…better than any of us…She's one of those lucky people with life's magic touches in her…everything she handles turns to gold…while I'm dross…I don't mean anything to anyone in this world…
…do you know when I knew I couldn't mean anything to anyone? When I became Chase Peter, the "lawyer", because Matron begged me to help you…and you did something I will never forget…Seifer, I, Quistis Trepe, would have helped you if you had asked. But you asked Chase Peter to beg Rinoa Heartlilly instead…and I did…for all the times I stood by you when you were in Garden, you never noticed…like Squall. You and Squall are so alike, you know that?...and still I saved you that night from the ocean, because I couldn't help it…
…What use am I? I can't do things right. Nothing turns out the way it's supposed to, not even the simplest things. Whatever comes after doesn't erase what's gone before. I'm no longer a child. All my life, I've given what I could, but I've never had anything to call my own. All my life, I've only known what it is to be SeeD. I don't know anything else. When that's gone, there'll be nothing left for me, there'll be nothing left of me…
Slow tears trickled down her cheeks, very slowly, controlled, as she held herself tightly, and wept softly, heartbrokenly.
* * * * * * *
They watched through the glass.
"She's tough, very tough," commented a man. "Tougher than the others."
"Seifer Almasy was also tough," another man reminded him. "They're both trained by SeeD, so it shouldn't come as a surprise."
The crisp voice of a woman interrupted. "This SeeD is still the toughest. Almasy, when we brought him in, was cracking. The Sorceresses or whoever they were nearly broke him. Even that lawyer woman who saved him—Chase somebody—couldn't repair him completely. He broke very fast."
"Faster than this one, but still, he took a lot of time. The other SeeDs we've tried it out on succumbed faster," remarked the first man. "A pity she has to die. She's brave, very brave, and her mental strength is the best I've ever seen."
"Well, whether it succeeds or fails, we still have to kill her," pointed out the woman. "If it succeeds, she kills herself. If it fails—and it had better not—she'll go stark raving mad and we don't want SeeD finding her and smelling a rat. By the way, we still need Almasy dead. How could we not have succeeded in killing him? How difficult can it be? We can't wait until he remembers everything. And that diskette?"
"Don't get your panties in a tangle, Derrha. I've already notified some of our people inside Balamb Garden itself," the second man said smoothly. "I understand they have a few arrangements of their own to make…and if they don't succeed at first try, Balamb goes down."