Buffy leaned her forehead against the computer screen in the office.
She was exhausted. Life was just too much for her lately. At the moment she
was wondering why she had a computer. Her 'counseling' skills weren't the
reason why she was there. She was there (there being Sunnydale High School)
because she was the slayer and (once again) she needed to protect the
students from the hellmouth. Principal woods had said as much, he even
laughed that she was surprised about it. Buffy had been feeling good. Felt
that she had more then her calling as the Slayer.
Life was almost too much to bear. She finally thought she had things under control and things were going well. The first evil just had to show up again. God she hated the first evil. She remembered when she heard of the First. It had to do with Angel. Christmas day, a day filled with hopes and miracles. It wanted Angel to do it's evil. She helped to prevent that. The first pretended to be Jenny but Buffy knew what it really was. Just a nasty old evil, but perhaps she had underestimated it. Angel loved her so much he was willing to sacrifice himself. A Christmas miracle really saved them. Snow. Snow in southern California. Only in Sunnydale, a true miracle.
Angel was meant to be alive in a matter of speaking. Meant to be a hero. Buffy had thought that it meant Angel was meant for her. She had actually believed in soul mates. Then he broke up with her and as much as she knew it was killing him it was also killing her. Buffy hated him for it. She never understood how he could have left. He swore it was for the best. He even stayed and helped on Graduation day when the Mayor tried to total the town. Then afterwards, he made sure she was still alive and he disappeared to Los Angeles. Tried to disappear from her life. They were still too connected. She was still able to feel him.
One day she felt him more then ever. It was thanksgiving and she didn't see him but she senses him at every turn. She wanted thanksgiving to be perfect. Everyone was fighting over it. Giles didn't care, Willow felt bad for the Native Americans, Xander had funny syphilis, Anya was doting on Xander and Spike was just being Spike. Her nerves were on end and then the Native American spirits attacked. Somehow she could feel everything flow like it only did with one person, Angel. It was organized and smooth and she felt safe. Then suddenly all the Native Americans were gone. Thanksgiving dinner was served and the safe feeling was gone. Then Xander had spilled that Angel had been there and it all fell into place. He was that safe feeling.
Buffy sighed and lifted her head away from the computer. That was ages ago no need to think about it. Sometimes though it felt like yesterday. She could still feel Angel's gaze, it enveloped her. She always thought he could look into her soul. Despite Angel's cold skin his look was like a warm hug. Everything inside her mellowed and she knew it would be ok because Angel was there. Angel would never let anything bad happen to her. She had relied on him too much.
Buffy flipped Master button on the computer and turned it off. A full day's work of playing solitaire. She needed more computer games. Now that the whole guise of being a counselor was up fewer and fewer students were coming to see her. Before students were hauled in to see her and keep her busy. There was no need now. Students mostly came because they were used to her or friends of Dawn or just wanted to get out of class. Despite all the chaos in her life she was eerily calm. She was glad to be calm for once, calm wasn't a big part of her life.
She picked up her purse and put on her jacket. Then she walked out of her little office stopping to say hello to a few students and smiling at a few teachers. She hadn't really made friends with the teachers, they thought she didn't have any real qualifications and she was too young for the job. Which would have probably been true if she was anyone but the Slayer. Buffy continued on her way out of the school and went to the parking lot to wait for Xander to pick her up. It was a cool breezy day in February but she didn't feel it she felt a warmth all through her body.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angelus stalked through Los Angeles. There was nothing but darkness, darkness and vampires. What happened to the humans? He couldn't believe it but he actually missed the daylight. Night time was more fun when it wasn't 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He didn't know how much longer he'd be able to stand it.
It felt wrong. He didn't know why. As Angelus not much felt wrong. No it wasn't the 24/7 night that was wrong, it was him. He wasn't right. He didn't know what it was. He didn't feel like Angelus. Felt more like a fake. Like Angel wrapped up inside Angelus instead of Angelus wrapped up inside Angel. Which was what it was like when he was soulful. Was he inside out? Deep inside he felt he still had a soul. No it wasn't deep inside that he had the soul. It was all through him he could feel it.
He could remember Angel playing Angelus. He wasn't sure which one he was but he could remember that. As Angel he had pretended to transform into the Evil Angelus, the scourge of Europe. Angelus whose name had spread far and wide and talked about fearfully. It was in Sunnydale so long ago but it seemed so recent. Like it was only months ago.
It was all just pretend. Angel had to go evil to get information from Faith about the Mayor and graduation day. He had to go evil in order to find out just how bad Faith had become, how dark she had turned. It was darker then any of them had ever thought. Angel had to go darker then either he or Buffy had thought. Only months before that he really was Angelus and tried to kill Buffy and her family and her friends. Buffy was remembering all that and could no longer put it in the past. She wanted a break. As Buffy was leaving he had whispered to her, so quietly he didn't think she would hear. "You still my girl?" She said, "always."
If that always could warm his heart then that meant he couldn't be Angelus. Angelus would never care about those words. They'd only mean something to him if he could use them to hurt Buffy. If he could use them against her. Then why was he hurting the people he cared about? Didn't he care about? Why did he try to grab Fred? Angelus said horrible things to everyone, cutting them to the quick. Trying to hurt them. Why would he do that? They were his friends, he loved them. But images of the people he knew so well faded and suddenly he couldn't picture what they looked like.
He stopped in the middle of the dark street. Trying to picture Gunn then Fred but he couldn't. He couldn't even picture Conner and soon Conner's name lost it's meaning. He wondered who was Conner and why was he thinking of him? He tried to picture people who meant something to him. He pictured Cordelia and Doyle and Buffy. Part of him felt as if that was right but another faint part was whispering that it was lies. Angel felt like he was lost in a fog. It felt drunk like when he was a teenager in Ireland. Everything was a blur and his limbs felt heavy he felt as if he might black out. Then he recalled his thoughts from moments earlier. His heart felt warm. He put a hand to his cheek, it was warm. Warmth was life. Life was warmth. Angel closed his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel opened his eyes and took a minute to register where he was. He was in his own bed. Not his bed in the hotel. His bed from in the basement in a dark dank building which also served as headquarters for Angel Investigations. His private eye business. It didn't make sense. It felt as if years had gone by since he'd been there but another part of him felt it was just as it should be. That part smiled.
In that moment he knew he was Angel. He could feel the soul inside of him. The light it brought to his life. The humanity it brought to his life. It was strong and filled him whole, it was powerful. For once in hundreds of years he didn't feel the darkness in him. The evil brewing. Evil waiting for it's chance to get out and strike.
Then he turned around. Angel wasn't in bed alone. There was a girl. Angel panicked and found he couldn't remember a thing. All he saw was the back of the girls head. He was so startled he couldn't see straight. He could only see blonde hair sticking out from underneath the covers. Adrenaline pulsed through his system. He jumped out of bed then realized he was naked. He had been naked in bed with a blonde girl. From past experiences that was never a good thing.
He grabbed a sheet and pulled it around him like a cloak. Hoping it could protect him from whatever he did. Soon the shock wore off and he tried to think calmly. All he could think about was the blonde hair. It was blonde. If only he could remember.
His dream or nightmare or whatever it was that happened to him well he slept was fading from him. Maybe it had been another world where he was something different. For now he was just Angel. Angel backed up against the wall and then he doubled over. As everything shot back to him. His whole life flashed through his brain and he could see images before his eyes. Then he knew he wasn't just Angel.
He remembered last night. Was it a cruel joke? Was he reliving this day as some kind of nightmare? But no. Angel stared puzzled at the sleeping girl in his bed. If he was reliving it then he was reliving it wrong. This wasn't how it had been the first time. Even memories of the other day so much like this one were beginning to fade. In his hand a beautifully calligraphied note appeared.
"This gift cannot be returned -TPTB"
Then as suddenly as it appeared it was gone. And it was also gone from his thoughts and memory. All he could think about was the blonde. She had began to stir in his bed. Angel was frozen unsure about what to do. He backed into a dark corner in the shadows, he was used to the shadows.
The girl sat up suddenly her back ridged. Angel had been just like her moments earlier. She looked around the room wildly not even noticing Angel pressed against the wall. Then she looked down and realized just like Angel she was naked. She pulled the cover up around her. Unsurely she called out, "Angel?" her voice trembled and in all the time he had known her he never heard her sound more nervous.
He stepped out of the shadow and the girl's face lit up and she let out a sigh of relief. "You're here?" she asked a little more in control. Angel nodded and moved closer to the bed but still beyond reaching distant. "It's you really Angel?" Angel was afraid to speak and he nodded once again. "I had a dream." The girls face contorted and she looked puzzled. "I can't remember it. I just know it was bad and you weren't there. And I don't ever want to be without you again." With that she dropped the cover from around her and reached out to him and embraced him. She wrapped her arms around him so tightly he couldn't breathe. Angel gasped and with that the girl moved back. "You're human. The demons blood is real and you're human."
"Oh Buffy." Angel whispered and kissed her lips as he remembered last night. Buffy had come to yell at him about his surprise visit to Sunnydale. A demon had attacked them and it's blood had restorative properties making him human. He had tried to play it cool with Buffy and keep a leveled had but one small touch had sent a million volts of electricity though his body. Angel had cleared the kitchen table and they had amazing, wonderful soul keeping sex. Then they had gone into his bedroom and were finally able to express their feelings without worrying about the gypsy curse. He was able to eat with Buffy, ice cream. He loved ice cream.
When Buffy fell asleep he snuck out and filled Doyle and Cordelia in on what happened. Thanks to a vision from Doyle they tracked down the Demon and killed it in the sewers. He thought briefly about going to the Oracles and asking if it was real. That it couldn't be taken from him. Then he thought twice about it and decided not to. He was tired of being sensible and playing by the rules and thinking about the future. It was time to live in the moment and in this moment he was happy. He knew without consulting the oracles there would be a million more moments like this one.
Angel pulled back from Buffy. She tentatively reached out a hand and put it to his chest. "Thump-thump. Thump-thump." Buffy whispered looking up into Angel's eyes. "It's real isn't it?"
"It's the realest thing that's ever happened to me." Angel whispered back.
"You kept your promise." Buffy said, smiling.
"Promise?"
"That we'd have another day like yesterday. I don't know why but I was so afraid it would all just disappear. That it would be gone, lost." Buffy confessed. At the word lost something in Angel's mind clicked. He knew it should have been lost. He didn't know why but he was glad it wasn't. He had escaped fate and he was happy. "I always want to feel like this."
"Like what?" Angel asked.
"Just like I always wanted." Buffy said repeating her words from last night. "A normal girl with her normal boyfriends arms around her. It's all perfect." Angel smiled as Buffy pulled him back into bed with her.
"I'll make sure you feel like this everyday." Angel said kissing her neck.
"You also better make sure you always have Cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip ice cream. We ran out last night." Buffy said kissing Angel's lips softly.
"I got two gallons!" Angel exclaimed.
"What can I say?" Buffy questioned her eyes sparkling mischievously. "I'm an insatiable, voracious girl." Buffy grinned pulling the cover over their heads. Both Angel and Buffy knew they wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world but there in Angel's bed. In that moment nothing else mattered.
Life was almost too much to bear. She finally thought she had things under control and things were going well. The first evil just had to show up again. God she hated the first evil. She remembered when she heard of the First. It had to do with Angel. Christmas day, a day filled with hopes and miracles. It wanted Angel to do it's evil. She helped to prevent that. The first pretended to be Jenny but Buffy knew what it really was. Just a nasty old evil, but perhaps she had underestimated it. Angel loved her so much he was willing to sacrifice himself. A Christmas miracle really saved them. Snow. Snow in southern California. Only in Sunnydale, a true miracle.
Angel was meant to be alive in a matter of speaking. Meant to be a hero. Buffy had thought that it meant Angel was meant for her. She had actually believed in soul mates. Then he broke up with her and as much as she knew it was killing him it was also killing her. Buffy hated him for it. She never understood how he could have left. He swore it was for the best. He even stayed and helped on Graduation day when the Mayor tried to total the town. Then afterwards, he made sure she was still alive and he disappeared to Los Angeles. Tried to disappear from her life. They were still too connected. She was still able to feel him.
One day she felt him more then ever. It was thanksgiving and she didn't see him but she senses him at every turn. She wanted thanksgiving to be perfect. Everyone was fighting over it. Giles didn't care, Willow felt bad for the Native Americans, Xander had funny syphilis, Anya was doting on Xander and Spike was just being Spike. Her nerves were on end and then the Native American spirits attacked. Somehow she could feel everything flow like it only did with one person, Angel. It was organized and smooth and she felt safe. Then suddenly all the Native Americans were gone. Thanksgiving dinner was served and the safe feeling was gone. Then Xander had spilled that Angel had been there and it all fell into place. He was that safe feeling.
Buffy sighed and lifted her head away from the computer. That was ages ago no need to think about it. Sometimes though it felt like yesterday. She could still feel Angel's gaze, it enveloped her. She always thought he could look into her soul. Despite Angel's cold skin his look was like a warm hug. Everything inside her mellowed and she knew it would be ok because Angel was there. Angel would never let anything bad happen to her. She had relied on him too much.
Buffy flipped Master button on the computer and turned it off. A full day's work of playing solitaire. She needed more computer games. Now that the whole guise of being a counselor was up fewer and fewer students were coming to see her. Before students were hauled in to see her and keep her busy. There was no need now. Students mostly came because they were used to her or friends of Dawn or just wanted to get out of class. Despite all the chaos in her life she was eerily calm. She was glad to be calm for once, calm wasn't a big part of her life.
She picked up her purse and put on her jacket. Then she walked out of her little office stopping to say hello to a few students and smiling at a few teachers. She hadn't really made friends with the teachers, they thought she didn't have any real qualifications and she was too young for the job. Which would have probably been true if she was anyone but the Slayer. Buffy continued on her way out of the school and went to the parking lot to wait for Xander to pick her up. It was a cool breezy day in February but she didn't feel it she felt a warmth all through her body.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angelus stalked through Los Angeles. There was nothing but darkness, darkness and vampires. What happened to the humans? He couldn't believe it but he actually missed the daylight. Night time was more fun when it wasn't 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He didn't know how much longer he'd be able to stand it.
It felt wrong. He didn't know why. As Angelus not much felt wrong. No it wasn't the 24/7 night that was wrong, it was him. He wasn't right. He didn't know what it was. He didn't feel like Angelus. Felt more like a fake. Like Angel wrapped up inside Angelus instead of Angelus wrapped up inside Angel. Which was what it was like when he was soulful. Was he inside out? Deep inside he felt he still had a soul. No it wasn't deep inside that he had the soul. It was all through him he could feel it.
He could remember Angel playing Angelus. He wasn't sure which one he was but he could remember that. As Angel he had pretended to transform into the Evil Angelus, the scourge of Europe. Angelus whose name had spread far and wide and talked about fearfully. It was in Sunnydale so long ago but it seemed so recent. Like it was only months ago.
It was all just pretend. Angel had to go evil to get information from Faith about the Mayor and graduation day. He had to go evil in order to find out just how bad Faith had become, how dark she had turned. It was darker then any of them had ever thought. Angel had to go darker then either he or Buffy had thought. Only months before that he really was Angelus and tried to kill Buffy and her family and her friends. Buffy was remembering all that and could no longer put it in the past. She wanted a break. As Buffy was leaving he had whispered to her, so quietly he didn't think she would hear. "You still my girl?" She said, "always."
If that always could warm his heart then that meant he couldn't be Angelus. Angelus would never care about those words. They'd only mean something to him if he could use them to hurt Buffy. If he could use them against her. Then why was he hurting the people he cared about? Didn't he care about? Why did he try to grab Fred? Angelus said horrible things to everyone, cutting them to the quick. Trying to hurt them. Why would he do that? They were his friends, he loved them. But images of the people he knew so well faded and suddenly he couldn't picture what they looked like.
He stopped in the middle of the dark street. Trying to picture Gunn then Fred but he couldn't. He couldn't even picture Conner and soon Conner's name lost it's meaning. He wondered who was Conner and why was he thinking of him? He tried to picture people who meant something to him. He pictured Cordelia and Doyle and Buffy. Part of him felt as if that was right but another faint part was whispering that it was lies. Angel felt like he was lost in a fog. It felt drunk like when he was a teenager in Ireland. Everything was a blur and his limbs felt heavy he felt as if he might black out. Then he recalled his thoughts from moments earlier. His heart felt warm. He put a hand to his cheek, it was warm. Warmth was life. Life was warmth. Angel closed his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel opened his eyes and took a minute to register where he was. He was in his own bed. Not his bed in the hotel. His bed from in the basement in a dark dank building which also served as headquarters for Angel Investigations. His private eye business. It didn't make sense. It felt as if years had gone by since he'd been there but another part of him felt it was just as it should be. That part smiled.
In that moment he knew he was Angel. He could feel the soul inside of him. The light it brought to his life. The humanity it brought to his life. It was strong and filled him whole, it was powerful. For once in hundreds of years he didn't feel the darkness in him. The evil brewing. Evil waiting for it's chance to get out and strike.
Then he turned around. Angel wasn't in bed alone. There was a girl. Angel panicked and found he couldn't remember a thing. All he saw was the back of the girls head. He was so startled he couldn't see straight. He could only see blonde hair sticking out from underneath the covers. Adrenaline pulsed through his system. He jumped out of bed then realized he was naked. He had been naked in bed with a blonde girl. From past experiences that was never a good thing.
He grabbed a sheet and pulled it around him like a cloak. Hoping it could protect him from whatever he did. Soon the shock wore off and he tried to think calmly. All he could think about was the blonde hair. It was blonde. If only he could remember.
His dream or nightmare or whatever it was that happened to him well he slept was fading from him. Maybe it had been another world where he was something different. For now he was just Angel. Angel backed up against the wall and then he doubled over. As everything shot back to him. His whole life flashed through his brain and he could see images before his eyes. Then he knew he wasn't just Angel.
He remembered last night. Was it a cruel joke? Was he reliving this day as some kind of nightmare? But no. Angel stared puzzled at the sleeping girl in his bed. If he was reliving it then he was reliving it wrong. This wasn't how it had been the first time. Even memories of the other day so much like this one were beginning to fade. In his hand a beautifully calligraphied note appeared.
"This gift cannot be returned -TPTB"
Then as suddenly as it appeared it was gone. And it was also gone from his thoughts and memory. All he could think about was the blonde. She had began to stir in his bed. Angel was frozen unsure about what to do. He backed into a dark corner in the shadows, he was used to the shadows.
The girl sat up suddenly her back ridged. Angel had been just like her moments earlier. She looked around the room wildly not even noticing Angel pressed against the wall. Then she looked down and realized just like Angel she was naked. She pulled the cover up around her. Unsurely she called out, "Angel?" her voice trembled and in all the time he had known her he never heard her sound more nervous.
He stepped out of the shadow and the girl's face lit up and she let out a sigh of relief. "You're here?" she asked a little more in control. Angel nodded and moved closer to the bed but still beyond reaching distant. "It's you really Angel?" Angel was afraid to speak and he nodded once again. "I had a dream." The girls face contorted and she looked puzzled. "I can't remember it. I just know it was bad and you weren't there. And I don't ever want to be without you again." With that she dropped the cover from around her and reached out to him and embraced him. She wrapped her arms around him so tightly he couldn't breathe. Angel gasped and with that the girl moved back. "You're human. The demons blood is real and you're human."
"Oh Buffy." Angel whispered and kissed her lips as he remembered last night. Buffy had come to yell at him about his surprise visit to Sunnydale. A demon had attacked them and it's blood had restorative properties making him human. He had tried to play it cool with Buffy and keep a leveled had but one small touch had sent a million volts of electricity though his body. Angel had cleared the kitchen table and they had amazing, wonderful soul keeping sex. Then they had gone into his bedroom and were finally able to express their feelings without worrying about the gypsy curse. He was able to eat with Buffy, ice cream. He loved ice cream.
When Buffy fell asleep he snuck out and filled Doyle and Cordelia in on what happened. Thanks to a vision from Doyle they tracked down the Demon and killed it in the sewers. He thought briefly about going to the Oracles and asking if it was real. That it couldn't be taken from him. Then he thought twice about it and decided not to. He was tired of being sensible and playing by the rules and thinking about the future. It was time to live in the moment and in this moment he was happy. He knew without consulting the oracles there would be a million more moments like this one.
Angel pulled back from Buffy. She tentatively reached out a hand and put it to his chest. "Thump-thump. Thump-thump." Buffy whispered looking up into Angel's eyes. "It's real isn't it?"
"It's the realest thing that's ever happened to me." Angel whispered back.
"You kept your promise." Buffy said, smiling.
"Promise?"
"That we'd have another day like yesterday. I don't know why but I was so afraid it would all just disappear. That it would be gone, lost." Buffy confessed. At the word lost something in Angel's mind clicked. He knew it should have been lost. He didn't know why but he was glad it wasn't. He had escaped fate and he was happy. "I always want to feel like this."
"Like what?" Angel asked.
"Just like I always wanted." Buffy said repeating her words from last night. "A normal girl with her normal boyfriends arms around her. It's all perfect." Angel smiled as Buffy pulled him back into bed with her.
"I'll make sure you feel like this everyday." Angel said kissing her neck.
"You also better make sure you always have Cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip ice cream. We ran out last night." Buffy said kissing Angel's lips softly.
"I got two gallons!" Angel exclaimed.
"What can I say?" Buffy questioned her eyes sparkling mischievously. "I'm an insatiable, voracious girl." Buffy grinned pulling the cover over their heads. Both Angel and Buffy knew they wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world but there in Angel's bed. In that moment nothing else mattered.