I do not own Friends. This story takes place after Ross and Rachel broke up, Ross is still working at the Museum and is not seeing anyone. Chandler and Monica have not yet hooked up. Pheobe is currently unemployed, Rachel is also single and working, and Monica works as head chef at that resteraunt.
Ross Geller wandered into a bar at 11 letting go a deep sigh as he entered and sat down.
"What'll ya have?" The Bartender asked with a smile.
"Beer." Ross responded. The bartender poured the beer into a glass.
"Two-fifty." The bartender replied. Ross nodded and took out his wallet he grabbed some money out but two pictures fell out. One was of Rachel, the other of Carol. Ross sighed and handed the bartender a five, as a tear rolled down his face.
"Trouble?" The Bartender asked, Ross nodded. "Everyone here has troubles. That guy in the corner, his 'life partner' found out about his girlfriend. That guy just found out his wife is several other people's wives. The bartender over there left his home to become a singer, and can't sing. That man and women across the room from each other sit there each night, and think about how they are broken up, and neither of them remembers why. Me? I'm the only one here without troubles. So what's your problems."
"You really want to here about them?"
"I'm a bartender, its my job." Ross proceeded to explain his story about Carol, and then Rachel. "So your first wife left you for another women, and then you blew it with the other love of your life, by sleeping with another woman."
"We were on a break." Ross growled through his teeth.
"Ross, I am going to tell you one thing I tell everyone. No matter what the problem is, you are always in the wrong, when there is a problem, everyone is to blame, and you have to realize that." Ross looked away and continued his drink. "You don't solve this problem, your going to become a regular just like everyone."
"Has anyone here ever solved a problem?" Ross asked, turning back around.
"No, just forgot the problem while they drink."
"Sounds good to me."
At 1, Ross was still sitting in the bar, when Chandler Bing entered. Walked over to the bar and sat down. "Gimme a beer." He growled. Ross took notice when Chandler came, and when he got his drink Chandler threw it across the room angrily. The bottle smashed against the wall and Chandler turned back to the bartender. "I'll have another."
"Please don't throw this one." The bartender pleaded.
"I'll try." Chandler said as he drank the beer in one gulp.
"What's wrong." Ross asked. Chandler looked over and took notice.
"Oh, hi."
"What's wrong." Ross echoed.
"Oh what's not wrong. At work the whole system goes down, all the work from the last 3 weeks is lost, and then my head gets bit off for not having it done on time! Upon that, there is no one! No one in this city who actually likes me enough to go out with me, and when there is, I blow it!" The Bartender looked back at Ross and nodded.
"See, everyone has their problems." He said. "Its what you do with them that matters."
"What's with him?" Asked Chandler.
"Apparently the Bartender provides almighty wisdom, and says we should resolve our problems."
"Sounds like an idiot." Chandler grumbled.
At 3 the two men still were in the bar, several other came and left, and some stayed, all of them having their stories of love and loss. Ross and Chandler were now fairly drunk, and lay with their face in their hands. Just then Phoebe Buffey walked in and found Chandler and Ross. "There you are!" Phoebe exclaimed as she came up beside them.
"No we're not here." Chandler said burying his head in his hands. "Your just crazy."
"That has nothing to do with it." Phoebe retorted. "Joey said Chandler never came home and when we called Ross we got no answer."
"Well of course not, I wasn't there." Ross slurred.
"Well come on, you guys are drunk."
"We are not drunk!" Chandler shouted. "We have found a new paradise."
"It's a land where everyone is as pathetic as us and we can escape sorrow through beer." Ross explained.
"But what about your jobs and your friends?" Phoebe was getting annoyed.
"Well he works here." Chandler pointed to the bartender. "I think after a few weeks we could learn how to do it and that could be our new jobs."
"And these are our friends now." Ross gestured around the room.
"These drunks!?!" Phoebe was responded with a chorus of grunts and a poorly aimed bottle that hit the floor.
"Don't talk about our friends like that." Chandler shouted and punched to the side of Phoebe.
"Umm, I'm right here." Phoebe said.
"You stay out of this." Chandler shook his hand at Phoebe. "Its between me and her." And pointed to Phoebe again.
"Well you guys have to come home." Phoebe ordered.
"How about we stay here, and you drink away your sorrows with us." Ross suggested.
"But I don't have any sorrows."
"Your unemployed, you had a horrible childhood, and its three o` clock and your standing in a urine smelling bar talking to two drunks." Ross stated.
"And I'm out of milk." Phoebe collapsed on a bar stool. "I'll have a scotch."
The three friends waiting in the bar until 5, without event until Joey walked in.
"Oh Joey, I found them" Phoebe drunkly gestured to Ross and Chandler.
"Huh? Oh right." Joey sat down. "Something to get me drunk fast."
"Sure thing." The Bartender got him a scotch.
"What's wrong." Ross asked, who by now could not speak clearly.
"You know that audition I had?"
"Yeah?" Chandler asked. "Bad news."
"They hired a dancing chimp named Marco instead."
"Wow, out beat by a chimp." Ross sighed.
"So what are you doing."
"My life always sucks." Ross replied.
"I'll die alone and out of a job." Chandler added.
"And I'm here because... I think I had a reason... well the drinks must be working." Phoebe smiled.
"Well if I can get like you this will be the best thing that ever happened."
The clock rolled to 6 and the four of them kept drinking.
"Because, I'm sure that I could make a great president." Ross said, now a bit more sober then earlier.
"Then how come your aren't leader of a country?" Joey asked.
"Oh it's a union thing." Ross sighed.
"What about a bar?" Phoebe asked. "Do they have unions."
"I don't think so." Chandler replied.
"Well then why don't you be president of the bar?" Phoebe suggested.
"I dunno." Ross shrugged.
"Hey, who here wants Ross... something, as president of the bar?" Chandler stood up and shouted. A cheer went up from the other drunks.
"The people have spoken." Phoebe nudged Ross.
"Speech!" Joey shouted, the rest of the people echoed it.
"Ok, ok." Ross stood up. "Its not often a graduate of... Dinosaur school becomes president of a bar, and I want to thank you for your peace and good... why am I standing up?" Ross ended and fell back to the seat.
"Hey can I be Vice president?" Joey asked.
"What about me?" Chandler protested.
"Sorry, Joey asked first." Ross said.
"Well can I be... Emperor?"
"Sure... what's an Emperor."
"I think they are the people who empty stuff." Phoebe shrugged.
"Doesn't the bar need a name?" Joey asked.
"I think so." Ross nodded.
"What should we call it?" Phoebe asked.
"How about... Life Sucks...land?" Chandler suggested.
"Right!" Ross nodded. "Hey Bartender." The Bartender walked over to him. "This is now an honorary country... its Life Sucks Land." The Bartender nodded and walked away.
"What's with him?" Phoebe asked.
"He is probably to humbled to answer." Joey suggested. Just then Rachel walked into the bar and went over to the group.
"What are you four doing here?!?" She demanded.
"Hi Rachel." Phoebe replied happily.
"We made a bar into a country." Joey piped up.
"We have been looking everywhere for you four, Monica and I have gotten no sleep."
"Hi Rachel." Phoebe grinned.
"Ugh, you are all drunk." Rachel replied disgustedly.
"That's not true." Ross slurred. "I've been here the longest, I'm a lot more drunk then them."
"Whatever, I'm here anyway, I might as well have a drink." She walked to the other side of the bar. And sat down.
"That's the girl, right?" The bartender asked Ross, pointing to Rachel.
"That's her." Ross nodded.
"I better make sure she doesn't over do it on the drinks." Phoebe said getting up and stumbling over to Rachel. "Hi Rachel."
"Ugh, I can't believe I have been searching all over the city for you guys." She replied annoyed.
"Its not that bad, and you found Ross." Phoebe responded.
"What's that mean?" Rachel snapped.
"Well, you like Ross a lot, so I figured you started panicking when you couldn't find him."
"Whatever, I am totally over Ross."
"I'm drunk, I can tell your lying." Phoebe laughed.
"Ugh."
Rachel never ended up leaving after her drink, Phoebe kept pestering her about her relationship with Ross that she kept denying. At 8, she was drunk like the rest of them.
"I told you, I can't go into work today." Ross said into a phone. "No I am not at a bar. Where am I? I'm at... a political matter thingy ... yeah I'm drunk, why?" Ross hung up the phone and walked and sat down where Joey was talking with Chandler.
"So the way I see it, I'm a great actor... everyone else is just slightly better then great."
"Well at least you do something you like... I am stuck doing... uh oh, I forgot what I do!" Chandler panicked.
"Don't you sell numbers?" Joey asked
"Right, that's it!" Chandler exclaimed.
"Well I think I got through to the people at work." Ross said as he sat down.
"They should listen to you, as president of this bar you have some real power." Joey nodded.
"No respect for world leaders."
Rachel and Phoebe meanwhile sat at the bar at the other end of the room talking.
"Maybe I should forgive Ross you know? So he slept with someone else... I still like him."
"Right."
"But what he did was unforgivable."
"Right."
"But he did think I was sleeping with someone else."
"Right."
"But doesn't he trust me?"
"Right."
"Phoebe if you won't help, then just be quiet."
"Right."
"Rachel!" Just then Monica, looking very stressed marched into the bar. "What are you all doing here?!?" She demanded.
"We created a country." Ros shouted from the other side of the bar.
"We live here now!" Joey echoed Ross' feelings.
"But, arghh!" Monica stomped to where Rachel and Phoebe were sitting.
"There he is staring at me... evilly... plotting." Rachel growled.
"Who? Ross?" Monica looked over.
"I like to call him... the devil!" Rachel hissed.
"You all are idiots!" Monica groaned.
"Not idiots, just drunk." Phoebe giggled. Monica sighed and put his head in her hands. "Have a drink Mon."
"Oh, what the heck, I've earned it."
When 11 rolled around again the gang was still in the bar, and now Monica had also drunk a little too much.
"I'm a good person, why don't I have anyone?"
"Maybe it's the Union?" Phoebe suggested.
"No, you put Unions in food." Rachel nodded.
"What about Chandler." Phoebe suggested.
"I don't think I can blame him." Monica shook her head.
"No, why don't you go out with him?" In response the bar was filled with laughter from Rachel and Monica.
"Look at them." Ross grumped from the other side of the room. "Probably making fun of me, or talking about dates Rachel had."
"You gotta move on man." Joey said.
"And its all her fault to." Ross took another drink.
"I thought you were the one who slept with another woman." Joey stated confused.
"No that was Carol." Chandler explained.
"No it was Ross too." Joey corrected.
"I did nothing wrong!" Ross shouted.
"Well then was it Rachel who slept with another woman... cause then you would have a really bad record with relationships." Joey pointed out.
"Maybe I should do something about it."
"No!" Chandler and Joey protested. "This is our country, you're the president, you been sitting the bar for 12 freaking hours!" Chandler shouted.
"I know... maybe I just need to take matters into my own hands." Ross said standing up walking away.
"Ross, don't leave, where are you going, no!" Chandler cried out. Ross walked over to the girls, Rachel stood up, and they embraced in a kiss.
"They won't remember this when they're sober will they?" Joey asked.
"Nope."