Blue Fic

Chapter Two

Kitchen Inferno!

Authors: Lea, Reala, Boshi

Disclaimer: See previous chapter. Do not own Disney. Do not own Stephanie, because found out on Bio field trip to Animal Kingdom she actually exists. We are not implicating that getting a job at Disney is so easily done. If it was, then we would all wear the ears. We also are not suggesting Disney serves alkeehol. It just makes for an interesting story. Gandalf's personality and broom closet belong to Washu. Reala owns her own potholders. Legolas owns the special necklace. I don't know if they have Gay Pride Day at Disney, but if they do they own that too.

--- --- ---

"Good morning and welcome to the Anandapour tour. My name is Lea and I will be your tour guide today. If you have any questions please come to me."

The tourists milled around confusedly, taking pictures of random objects. Lea quickly turned around and worked her jaw, sore from smiling.

"Hey, that chick has a nice ass!" said a far-too-familiar voice.

"Yeah, but those pleated shorts cover that up real well," replied another, far-too-familiar voice. Lea whirled around and stalked over to Merry and Pippin, Pippin facing away from her. She watched Merry's face pale as she clapped her hand on Pippin's shoulder.

"Pippin," she said, smiling in such a way as to suggest homicidal intent. "You know this is where I work. Why are you here?"

Pippin smiled innocently, trying not to notice the fact that Merry was slowly trying to sidle away into the crowd. "On my break?"

"You don't have a job."

"I wanted to see the kitties?"

"No."

"I wanted to go on the water ride?"

"I don't think so."

"I wanted to see my dear, beloved Lea at work?"

Merry made a small game buzzer noise.

"Really?" said Lea sarcastically. "And pigs fly?"

"If you put them on an airplane, yes."

Lea smacked him upside the head.

"We did pay to get in."

"No you didn't," said Lea, reaching out to yank Merry back. "You have passes."

"Okay, so we didn't..."

"Lea! Merry! Pippin!"

They all turned to see a smaller dark-haired Elf taking long strides for them. She was wearing a DinoLand Staff polo shirt.

"Boshi!" Pippin squealed, half in terror and half in genuine enjoyment. She took a quick glance at Lea's face and smiled knowingly. She turned to the hobbits.

"Would you two like to join me down at the kids areaa? I'll buy you ice cream..."

"But...want bug Lea?" they replied piteously, torn between the prospects of being annoying and getting food.

"And two chili-dogs each...But if you don't want any..."

"Can we eat, then bug Lea?"

"No, you have to choose. One or the other."

They wavered for a moment, then... "Food?"

"Lots of food." Boshi smiled slyly. Lea mouthed a thank you over the hobbits heads. They advanced on Boshi, stars and chili-dogs dancing in their eyes. They strolled off happily, leaving Lea to do her job in peace.

'Well at least with my area of employment they won't look suspicious...' Boshi thought.

Lea turned back to her group. "We now begin our tour after that short delay."

"How far do we have to go?" asked Merry, looking up at Boshi.

"About halfway across the park."

"But I want food now!" they said plaintively. Boshi steered them toward a snack stand.

Two minutes later, with a sweet word and a brilliant smile, the hobbits were enjoying six free hotdogs.

They consumed them in record time.

--- --- ---

At the children's play area, Ryan, who was supposed to be watching them, had let the kids run wild. He had fallen asleep in the Dinosaur Dig pit and was now buried to the neck.

"Help! They're crazy!!"

--- --- ---

"Name?"

"Boromir."

"I meant last name."

"Boromir."

The man raised an eyebrow. "Alright Mr. Boromir-"

"Just Boromir."

"Okay, eh...any experience working with children?"

Boromir considered this a moment, flashes of the hobbits going through his head. "Definitely."

The interviewer nodded, pleased. "Good, good. Do you look good, well, convincing in a prince suit?"

"Uh...yes..."

"Great! You're hired!"

Boromir grinned and shook his hand. "Thanks."

By the time he left the room, Reala was waiting outside with a box of fries and burgers.

"Hungry?"

"Hungry as a hobbit."

Reala handed him food and sipped her Coke. "Get the job?"

"Start Monday."

Reala smiled. "Good. Now you'll actually work for a living."

"As Prince Charming."

Reala spewed her Coke out, laughing hysterically. Boromir scowled.

"What?"

"It's your dream job, 'Heir of Gondor.' "

"Shut up." Boromir took a big bite of his burger and said no more while Reala finished cackling. Reala waved to Lea, who was jogging up.

"Why are you here? You work in..." she trailed off when Lea shook her head.

"They're here."

Boromir's brow raised. "The halflings?"

"Yep."

All three groaned.

--- --- ---

"Can't you dig any faster?" Ryan whined.

Boshi stopped and raised an eyebrow at the head and shoulders above the sand.

"Be grateful. I'm not the one who fell asleep."

Ryan smiled sheepishly. Once his arms were free she left him to try to calm the rowdy masses of human children.

"Wait..." muttered Boshi. "Where are Merry and Pippin?"

Boshi decided to start her search in the most probable place. The nearest bar.

"Wait!" yelled Ryan. "I'm still half stuck!"

"You have arms, do you not?"

"Well...yeah," he mumbled slowly.

"Then I suggest you make use of them."

Boshi strode away towards the adult lounge.

"When she's stressed, she sure talks funny," Ryan grumbled as he finally escaped the sand.

--- --- ---

Arwen, working at the Fort Wilderness lodge bar, approached the patron warily. He had been three sheets to the wind for some time, but she had been hesitant to approach him before.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked warily.

"I wan...I wan a waitress." He made a grab for a part of Arwen that men were always accused of staring at.

Five seconds later the man found himself sharing a pen with the goats, twenty dollars poorer.

--- --- ---

The tour bus rounded the corner in the Kilomanjaro Wildlife Preserve. The passengers gasped in awe of the guinea hens.

"This, ladies and gentlemen, is the African Savannah," said Legolas boredly for the umpteenth time. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. He glanced back to see a middle-aged woman leaning obscenely forward. She pointed at something on the ground with one hand while the hand on his shoulder crept downward.

"What's that over there?" she purred in his ear. 'God, why did I take this shift?' thought Legolas in despair.

"It's a rock, ma'am." He glanced down to see her hand in the vicinity of his stomach and moving downward. He looked at it.

"Could you...sit back?" he said uncomfortably, squirming and making the jeep bump up and down oddly. No change. He turned off the microphone.

"Ma'am, please sit back down. Please. Please? Please?! Aaaaaahhhhaaaaiiie!"

The jeep veered off the trail and crashed into a fake concrete termite mound. The engine sputtered and died. Over the radio they could hear a tinny voice saying. "Doctor, no one here calls them Thompson's Gazelles! They are Tommies! Tommies!"

The woman snatched back her hand and sat back down quickly. Legolas looked in fury at the termite mound, silently fuming. Finally he slowly turned around.

"I'm sorry about that, but in future, if you have a question, state it without intimate physical contact!" he snapped.

Twenty minutes later, after the worst Kilomanjaro Safari Ride ever (including the time that the driver- Stephanie, incidentally- heard me saying of the-baobab- upside down tree "Ironically it looks a lot like concrete." And responded over the speakers.) "Simba One" pulled into the station, and Legolas, forgetting himself, snapped "Namárië," with much rancor. He stepped out and motioned to Stephanie (who ACTUALLY exists, which Lindi and I found out AFTER I wrote this. Freaky.) that he was taking a break. She jogged after him.

"Hey, Lego!" she called, using the irksome Legolas. "Where you going?"

Legolas sped it. Stephanie giggled. "What is it, sexy?"

Legolas ran.

--- --- ---

Lea smiled at her extremely annoying tour group. "And here is the 'bat cave' where we have the bats."

She turned around, ran smack into Legolas and yelped.

"I...will be right back, just...look at the bats."

She was promptly dragged off into the cleaning closet.

"What happened?" she asked in concern.

Legolas was visibly shaking. "Women...old...young...smelly...help!"

"Calm down Legolas."

"I can't!"

Lea slapped him across the face and he blinked. "Thanks, I...needed that..."

"Are the lust-bunnies back again?"

"Yep. I'm seriously frustrated, Lea...I'm considering throwing hot grease on my face or something!"

"Don't do that..." she laughed, dusting him off, though nothing ever soiled him.

"My looks are a curse..."

Lea smiled slyly. "I wouldn't say that." She shrugged. "Just wear a wedding ring or something...or show them rolls of pictures of the ugliest children ever and coo over how sweet they look. They'll go."

The two of them fumbled around in the darkness of the closet corners and Lea finally pulled a chain from nowhere- it had been left over from a certain special day at Disney.

"Here. Wear this."

Legolas peered at it then frowned. "It's a purple triangle! I'm not gay-"

Lea kissed him quickly and laughed. "You'll thank me later."

"I prefer a wedding ring," he said, shuddering. "You have no idea what crap I've gotten from that business with the piggy-back ride for the hobbits. People called me Lolita for a month."

She patted his arm. "Yes, dear."

"Dear?"

The closet door swung open and Boromir was suddenly there: and employee-to-be pass hung around his neck.

"Come on! It's an emergency! We have to leave now!"

Legolas dropped the triangle like it had burned him.

"What?" he asked quickly. Boromir looked at what he had dropped and snickered. Lea slapped him upside the head and asked,

"What's the emergency?"

"Gimli burned the kitchen down."

Lea swore eloquently in Elvish. Boromir blinked.

"I don't know what you just said, but judging by the look on Legolas' face, it's pretty bad."

Legolas nodded and Boromir pulled both of them out. People stared.

"I'm going to kill that...that Dwarf! Deleb hadhod!"

Old women gasped and one of them fell backwards.

"Uncle Peter! My smelling salts!"

The three's image was not improved by Legolas's rumpled uniform and Boromir frenzied smoothing of his mussed hair.

Lea put her hand over her eyes. "This can't look right..."
Boromir shook his head. "It doesn't. Let's go."

They jogged down the path past animal cages, passing the tiger enclosure. Lea stopped abruptly.

"Kitties..." she said happily. Legolas picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder.

"Lea, come on!"

Lea tugged on the ends of his hair. "Put me down! I'll turn into one of your lustbunnies if you don't!"

Legolas smiled. "I dare you."

Boromir frowned. "Put her down...that's something I'd rather not see..."

"Damn."

Lea was set back on the floor and they continued on.

"You know," said Lea thoughtfully. "If you won't let us, then you and Reala need to go out of the room when..."

Boromir impatiently cleared his throat. "All right! We have a Dwarf to bash, now stop talking!"

Reala smacked into the three of them. "Ouch."

"You hear?" asked Lea.

"Yeah, let's go." She sniffled. "My potholders."

--- --- ---

They ran out to the car (You are parked in Simba.) and got in Boromir's truck. He drove, with Reala driving shotgun. She tipped the seat forward and the two Elves made flying leaps into the back of the cab. The car screeched off as the backseat occupants attempted to disentangle themselves from the tangled mass of legs.

"Do you have any idea how he burned it down?" asked Lea hurriedly.

"Did it take Gandalf's closet?" asked Legolas hopefully.

"I don't think a nuclear explosion could touch that," chided Lea.

Legolas leaned back against the back of the seat. "Stupid Dwarf."

"Stupid Dwarf," they all said in unison. A silence filled the truck. Then they saw the plume of smoke. Boromir saw Lea shifting around in the back seat.

"Lea, get off Legolas' lap."

"No! You get off Gandalf's lap!" she shot back, but didn't move.

"Why you little-" he reached back and tried to smack her, but forgot he was driving.

"Boromir! Watch the fucking road!" wailed Reala.

Lea reached forward and whacked Boromir.

"Stupid!"

"I'm stupid!?"

"Yes!" the other three yelled in unison.

"Trojanman," added Legolas. Boromir grumbled and Reala giggled.

"You know, we just passed our street," remarked Lea, twisting around to watch the street sign move farther away. A U-turn and two minutes later they pulled into the driveway. The driveway was blackened with soot. Lea jumped out of the car and ran over.

"What happened?"

The policemen talking to Aragorn turned and glared.

"Do you live here?"

Lea glared back. "Yes!"

He pointed to Aragorn. "Does he live here?"

"Yes!"

He pointed to Reala and Boromir. "Them?"

"YES!"

"What about-"

"We ALL live here! All twelve of us!"

Reala jogged up, then saw the policeman. She grinned wickedly. "I smell bacon, do you?"

Lea nodded. "I definitely smell some kind of pork product..."

Reala kicked Gimli. "My potholders!!"

Lea looked around nervously. "Where's Frodo?" she whispered. Aragorn smacked his forehead.

"Shoot! I knew I forgot-" Glance at policeman. "He's upstairs."

Lea turned and bolted towards the house. "Frodo! Frodo, get down here!"

"No! The eye!"

"Fire's gone, come down!"

"No!"

Lea flung open the front door. "Wait!" yelled an officer. "You can't go in there!"

Lea whirled around and hollered, "It's my house!" and ran in. she climbed up the stairs and pounded on the sooty door. "Frodo! Open the door!"

She didn't pause but started picking the lock. The door clicked open and something slammed into her middle. She looked down to see Frodo clinging to her middle. She muttered a string of obscenities about misguided psychiatric care from Gimli and tried to pry Frodo off.

"Eeef..." she muttered. "Frodo, I can't breathe!"

"It watches me at night..." said Frodo in a muffled voice.

"Yes," said Lea. "That's why we sedate you. Now let go."

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TBC

I was going to write a bit more here, but I discovered how long it was already. Plus I was getting pressure from other writers of blue fic.

Please let us know what you think! Please! I live on reviews.