Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and Holly belong to Grant/Naylor Productions and I guess the BBC.
I am using them without permission, but I am not and do not expect to make money from this.
Rated PG : harsh language, tasteless jokes.
Wes stared around him, stunned and disoriented. They were suddenly somewhere else, in a strange room filled with strange equipment. Four people were staring at them, looking as astonished as he felt. After a frozen moment, they all scrambled quickly to their feet, drew or summoned their blasters, and fell into position with their backs together. Wes was next to Jen, who was aiming at a slightly short, unimpressive-looking man with light brown skin.
"Where are we? Who are you?" she demanded in a frightened voice.
The man put his hands up. "Who the smeg are you?" he squeaked in an odd English accent, sounding even more frightened.
"I asked you first!"
"You're on board the Red Dwarf! I'm Dave Lister! Now, who are you and what are you doing here?"
"We're the Power Rangers! And I want to know what we're doing here, too!"
"Power Rangers?" One of the other men asked, also in a British accent. He was tall, good-looking, and had a large 'H' attached to his forehead. "What the smeg is that?"
"I'm asking the questions! What's Red Dwarf?"
The first man, Lister, answered them, his voice a little calmer. "Red Dwarf is a deep space mining ship. You came here through a timehole."
"The timehole!" Trip spoke up. "Ransik's timehole did this! It transferred us here, out in space, and in the future, I think."
"What year is it?" Jen asked.
"We don't know exactly. We had an… accident. It's three million and something."
"Three million!" all of the Rangers chorused.
"Wait a minute… you're not aliens, are you?" the man with the 'H' asked, a note of disappointment in his voice.
"No. We're as human as you. I think," Jen said, casting a glance at the other two. One was a tall, thin, very dark man, handsome until he smiled, revealing the tips of vampire-like fangs. He was dressed in the most flamboyant suit Wes had ever seen. The other did not appear to be human at all, his face and hands looking as if they were made of plastic, molded in flat planes and sharp angles.
Seeming to reach a decision, Jen raised her left arm and touched her morpher. A flash of sparkling light briefly engulfed her, leaving her demorphed, dressed in ordinary clothes. After a few moments, the others did the same, first Wes, then the rest of the team. Only Eric stayed in his suit, still covering them with his weapon.
"Come on, Eric, demorph," Wes said to him. "Obviously they're friendly."
"Yeah, that's what you think, Wes," he said. "I don't know how you've survived this long. You wouldn't know an enemy if he bit you on the ass."
"Eric, they're not enemies. I can tell," Trip said.
"You'd better be right. I hope I don't regret this." He raised his arm and said, "Power down," into his morpher. In another burst of light he became his normal self.
Wes turned to the strangers with a smile. "I'm Wes Collins," he said. "This is Jen, Lucas, Trip, and Katie. And Eric Myers."
Jen picked up with an explanation. "We're Power Rangers, as I said. Law enforcement officers. We were trying to apprehend a criminal when he projected a timehole around us."
"What were those outfits? And how did you change out of them?" Lister asked.
Trip held up his arm, showing the morpher on his wrist. "These devices are morphers. They use hyperspace to project a special suit around our bodies. They protect us and give us enhanced strength and speed. And they let us materialize our weapons."
"Aren't you going to introduce me, Bud?" the man with fangs asked, staring raptly at Jen and Katie.
"I'm sorry. This is Cat, Arnold Rimmer, and Kryten." Rimmer and Kryten nodded. Cat continued what he had been doing since they had demorphed, staring at the two women, his eyes darting back and forth between them, his mouth hanging slightly open.
"Why does he look like he's made of plastic?" Eric asked rudely, indicating Kryten.
"I am made of plastic, sir. I'm an android."
"Wow! Real women!" Cat exclaimed. He turned slightly toward Lister, his eyes still on them. "What do I say to them, Bud?"
"Try saying hello."
Cat grinned, put up one hand and wriggled his fingers. Unfortunately grinning involved showing his fangs to their full effect. All of the Rangers stared with expressions of varying degrees of horror.
"What the hell are you?" Eric demanded angrily.
"Haven't you ever seen a cat before?" Rimmer said with a smirk.
Eric turned to stare at him. "And why the hell do you have an 'H' on your head?"
"Haven't you ever seen a hologram before?" Cat answered.
"A what?"
"As the Cat so elegantly pointed out, the 'H' stands for hologram. Rather like the scarlet letter. I'm a computer-generated hologram."
"And what did you mean, this guy's a cat?"
A new voice spoke up, from one of the instrument panels. "He is descended from a cat which lived aboard this vessel three million years ago. In point of fact, he literally is a cat." They all looked around, startled. The voice had come from a screen showing an image of the head of a blonde woman. "Aren't you going to introduce me, too, Dave?" she asked.
"Oh, sorry," Lister said. "That's Holly, the ship's computer."
"Ship's computer?" Trip exclaimed, taking a step closer. "Wow. Wish Circuit, our computer, was here. He'd love this."
"Excuse me, but if everyone is done pretending this is a garden party, we have just a little teeny bit of a problem, remember?" Rimmer said.
"What's that?" Lister asked.
"I believe Holly told us we're falling into a black hole."
"Oh, right. Forgot about that."
"A black hole?" Trip said. "We've got to get out of here!"
"At least someone appreciates the situation."
"I have a suggestion," Kryten said. "Holly and I can work on a way to solve our current problem."
"I can help, I'm good at computers and mechanics, and I know a lot about timeholes," Trip said.
"Me, too. I know a little about astronavigation," Lucas added.
"Good. Meanwhile, Mr. Lister and Mr. Rimmer can show the rest of you around."
"Oh, wonderful," Rimmer groaned. "Now I'm a bloody tour guide for a bunch of American superheroes. Can we expect a social call from Superman next? Or perhaps Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock?"
Lister bounced down the stairs, feeling buoyant at having the company of other people, even under the circumstances. Especially female people. He tried not to stare, or at least not be as obvious about it as the Cat.
Cat apparently had never heard of subtlety. He was walking as close as he could get to the tall, brown-skinned, gray-eyed woman, Katie. Lister couldn't entirely blame him, she was quite an eyeful. Not that the other one, Jen, was any harder to look at, with her pretty face and brown hair. Rimmer was doing a bit of staring at her. Of course, after years without any contact with a woman, the two of them could have looked like gorillas and the Red Dwarf crew would have been enraptured.
He spared a glance for the two men. Wes was grinning at the Cat, obviously amused. Then the smile turned to a frown when he saw Rimmer giving Jen his best attempt at a charming smile. Eric was not so discriminating; he glowered balefully at all of them, muttering something about 'spaced-out freaks' under his breath.
"These are some of the crew quarters," Lister announced as they walked down a corridor. "This is my room. Rimmer sleeps here too. We're having three more rooms prepared for you. Two to a room."
"Jen, I guess we'll take one," Katie said, with an annoyed glance at the Cat, who was attempting to rest his chin on her shoulder.
"I'll bunk with Lucas or Trip," Wes said instantly.
"No way," Eric snapped. "Lucas hates me, and Trip creeps me out."
"Yeah, I guess," Wes muttered, obviously reluctant. "Okay, I'll share with you. Just... keep your mouth shut."
"Don't worry. I don't wanna talk to you, either."
"Fine."
"Good."
"Marvelous," Rimmer said cheerfully. "This should be a lovely house party."
"Oh, smeg. Let's get on with the tour," Lister said, his voice resigned.
Dim corridors, stretching endlessly in front of her. She walked slowly, listening to the quiet, broken only by a barely noticeable vibration of large, distant engines. The emptiness suddenly struck through her with an almost physical pain. She was alone. Lost. There was no one to help her. Only this cold, deserted vastness all around.
Again she tried to remember how she had gotten here, but her memory dissolved into a swirl of colored lights. Everything before this place was darkness, shadows of conflict, a large dark man who somehow meant comfort, bright colors that meant danger...
Voices echoed faintly between the walls. She stopped to listen, her heartbeat speeding as she wondered if they belonged to someone who would help and protect her, or someone she needed protection from.
Eric couldn't help staring as they entered the ship's hold. It was vast, stretching out into the distance, big enough to hold a small city. In fact, the actual ruins of a small city lay in front of them.
"What are those buildings?" Wes asked.
"That's where I grew up," the Cat replied. "We cats had a civilization here, for thousands of years, until everyone except me left on a couple of spaceships, to find a better home." He sighed nostalgically. "The cat empire."
"Empire?" Eric snorted. "Looks more like a slum."
"Like where you grew up?" Wes threw at him snidely.
"Shut up."
"Make me."
"I'll kick your ass, rich boy!"
"You and what army?"
"Both of you, shut up!" Jen exclaimed. "You're both acting like you're five years old!"
"He started it!" Wes complained.
"Did not!"
"Screw you!"
"Up yours!"
"Stop it!" Katie smiled and took a step toward them. "Or I'll kick both your asses!"
Eric knew better than to make Katie angry. She was strong. He and Wes subsided with only angry glares at each other.
"Bets on which one kills the other before morning." Rimmer was smiling happily.
"Brilliant," Lister said. "Come on, I'll show you the ship's bar. I need a drink."
Trip was smiling. He smiled frequently, in fact he enjoyed smiling, but now he had even more reason. Computers were one of his favorite things, and he had never seen a computer like Holly.
"You have an IQ of 6000?" he asked.
"Right. Of course, I've lost a few points here and there, over the millennia."
"You run this whole ship, and generate Rimmer's hologram, and talk to us?"
"Yes. All of that keeps me pretty busy."
"I'll bet. Wow, I'm really impressed!"
"Are you? About time I got some appreciation around here." Holly's image smiled giddily. "I think you're pretty cute yourself."
"Really? Thanks!"
"If you two can take time out from the mutual admiration society, I think we have a black hole to worry about," Lucas complained.
"That's right." Trip turned back to Holly. "Let's take a look at that drive you used to get here. Maybe we can use it to get away."
Wes sighed. They were in the ship's bar, Lister, Jen, Rimmer, Cat, and himself sitting at one of the tables. To everyone's surprise, Eric had asked Katie to dance. He watched, impressed in spite of himself. Eric not only danced, he was damn good. And he was actually smiling and laughing with Katie, as he tried to teach her a new step.
The Cat watched them -- or watched Katie, actually -- head propped on his hand, a wistfully dopey look on his face. "Look at the way she moves," he said dreamily. "Just like jelly in a tall glass."
Lister grinned. "Yeah, I'd like to get a spoonful of that myself."
"You?" Rimmer mocked. "It's ridiculous."
"Why?"
"Look at her. Then look at you."
"I agree she might be devastated by my good looks."
"Ha. You'd need a ladder just to kiss her."
"Yeah, man. But it's worth the climb."
"She'd prefer someone like me."
"Yeah? Why's that?"
"I'm dedicated. Hardworking. Handsome. Officer material."
"Not to mention dead."
"One minor handicap."
"I guess you have one quality she'd like. You can't touch her."
"If she goes for anyone, it'll be me," the Cat said confidently.
"You must be joking."
"Hey, she's got eyes, doesn't she? Who's the most handsome guy in this room?"
"She seems to think Eric is," Jen said, her voice teasing, smiling as Wes's eyes flashed in irritation.
"She's got no taste, man."
"For once, I agree with the Cat," Rimmer said. "He reminds me of that great flaming git, Ace Rimmer."
"Who knew Eric could dance?" Jen continued.
"Yeah. I'm surprised he could get along with anyone long enough to take a lesson," Wes responded grumpily.
"You know, he's really is kinda cute when he smiles."
Wes looked at her indignantly. "If you like him so much, why don't you go up there and cut in on Katie?"
"I'd rather stay with you." Jen was laughing at him now. "Besides, Katie might get mad and hurt me."
Wes smiled, a little reluctantly, as Eric and Katie returned to the table and sat down. Eric immediately returned to his usual stony expression. Wes turned to Lister. "What happened to you guys? How did you get stuck out here?"
Lister gulped another mouthful of beer before replying. "We were on a routine mining run to the outer planets. I got in trouble with the captain for smuggling Frankenstein -- my cat -- on board. The ship's detectors picked her up as a non-human lifeform, and the captain somehow figured out that she belonged to me."
"Somehow?" Rimmer said scornfully. "You took a set of pictures of yourself with her. And you had them developed in the ship's photo lab."
"One little mistake. Anyway, I refused to give her up for an examination. They would have dissected her. And not put her back together. The Captain punished me with confinement in stasis. When I got out, there had been a massive radiation leak, because someone --" he shot a look at Rimmer "-- had left a drive plate unfastened."
"It was your fault! If you hadn't made that ridiculous gesture to save a cat, you would have been there to assist me!"
"I think it was a sweet thing to do, sacrificing yourself for a cat," Katie said, smiling charmingly.
Lister grinned. "Anyway, the leak killed all the crew, except me. Frankenstein was in the hold, shielded from the radiation. She was pregnant at the time, and her kittens evolved into the Cat."
"Amazing," Jen murmured.
"You bet I am, baby," Cat said proudly.
"The radiation took three million years to die down. Then Holly released me from stasis. She brought Rimmer back to keep me company. He's a hologram, not solid, made entirely of light. According to Holly, he's supposed to keep me sane."
"And how's that working?" Eric asked with a skeptical snort.
"I have my doubts. We picked Kryten up from another spaceship. And here we are. Now I guess you're part of the crew, too."
"Shit," Eric muttered. Wes had to agree.
She could hear the music, drifting down the hallway. It sounded... happy, friendly. She walked toward it, pressing herself against the wall. Fear pulsed inside her at the sound of the voices. Some of them seemed almost familiar... almost. And they made her think vaguely of fire -- running -- fighting -- shooting...
She was afraid, but she knew she needed help. Her head whirled, empty of any memory of who she was or what she was doing here, or who was a friend, who an enemy. It was so confusing... And now she was starting to be hungry, and tired, and still afraid, so afraid.
The music seemed to pull her forward -- into the light, the dim lights inside, the room feeling warm, the voices wrapping her in comforting arms, the people who stood, looking at her with startled faces, seeming like her only hope, her only chance to find home, to find herself.
She staggered in, propping herself up on a table as they all jumped to their feet, some starting toward her, some just staring. Her legs began to tremble, her knees buckled, and as she sank toward the floor she heard voices call a name that seemed almost familiar.
"Nadira!"