A/N: Ok. You guys are the coolest people ever! Just thought you should know that. I mean, that chapter was short, I know, and yet I got up to 92!! That is SWEET! Ok, here is the next chapter, just for you! Again, about a page is written out, and then, who knows where it could go. I think I might have one more final chapter, and then a sequel (or 4th-quel) in which we fast forward, oo, 8, 9, maybe 10 years? Sound good to you? Let me know.
This is for:
twin*muse – maybe I did wish it upon you! (JUST KIDDING!)
M – I try and make it as realistic as possible; I hope this chapter keeps up with that.
Nana – thanks for the vote of confidence in my Brit Lit assignment (I never did get it done that night…its how I spent my free period)
And of course-
Jennifer – why? Because I love you and you updated like 4 fics today! HOLY COW!
And I'm putting in the very, very, VERY end of the last chapter, just for kicks. Actually just because it works better that way. Let me know what you think. I'm on vacation this week so if you all want a chapter by Monday, then I want 110 reviews total (that's only 18 more…that's it) and if you all do that not only will I love you forever but I will make the final chapter long, and fulfilling and THEN I will start on the 4th-quel. Deal? Deal.
CHAPTER 10 – Lies Never Get You Anywhere
Sydney took a moment to contemplate how to word it. It was a delicate question and she wanted to put it the best way possible. However, after a moment of speculation she came to the conclusion that it was best to just spit it out.
"Why did you turn yourself in?"
She blinked. Of all the things she was expecting her daughter to ask her, this was the farthest thing from her mind. "What?"
"You heard me. I've been sitting on this for over 3 years. Why did you turn yourself in?" Sydney shifted her son to the other side of her hip and waited patiently for her mother's answer.
"I don't know what to say." Irena spoke softly as she moved from the glass and began to slowly pace the length of her cell.
"You promised me the truth, that's all I'm asking for." Sydney moved to place Danny in his carried that she had placed by the wall. She slipped him into it and gave him a pacifier from the diaper bag next to him. Smiling at him softly, she watched as his eyes drooped before she turned to look at her mother.
"When I was a little girl, my mother used to tell me to always speak the truth, lies never get you anywhere. When I joined the KGB, I felt immense pride, I was just a young woman and I was going to serve my country. When I was given the assignment to infiltrate the CIA, to used one of their agents against them…" Irena paused for a moment, contemplating how to put it. She was placing a lot of faith in her daughter to understand this. But something inside her told her, of all the people in the world, Sydney would understand the best.
"I didn't want to at first. It meant I had to lie about everything; I had to be someone else. It was very difficult for me at first. Every night I would go home and break down into tears over the fact that I had broken the one rule I had promised my mother never to break. I cried every night for a year. If I wasn't alone, I would cry as I took a shower, the water drowning out my sobs." Irena paused, remembering the nights she would leave Jack's side to go and let out her tears.
"But as time went on, it got easier. By the time we were married, I hadn't cried for that reason in almost a year. And I didn't cry again for 4 years. I would go about my life being someone's wife. I began to place my fears and my mother's words in the back of my head. I compartmentalized."
"What changed?" Sydney asked her voice low and quiet.
"You. When I had you, those lies that I had been telling, came flooding back. My mother's words came flooding back. I cried a lot after you were born. Your father just took it as hormones." Irena smiled, a small smile, remembering the first time she randomly broke into tears in front of Jack, and they way he had rushed to her side, worried. He had been a very different person back then, not nearly as reserved as he was now.
"That still doesn't tell me why you turned yourself in." Sydney spoke slowly, noticing the small smile on her mother's face.
"When I left, it was not only because I was ordered to. The fact was; I couldn't take it anymore. The lies were eating away at me. Every time I looked into your face, I saw this innocent little girl who I was destroying by my lies. It sickened me. You were the embodiment of everything I wanted to be. A good mother, a good wife, but more importantly a truthful person." She looked her daughter in the eye. "Do you remember the first time you lied to me?"
Sydney looked back at her mother, shock playing across her face. "No."
"No, I suppose you wouldn't. You were only 5 or so, almost 6. I had made cookies that day and you went and took one from the counter when you thought I wasn't looking, despite the fact that I had told you that you couldn't have one until after dinner. When I walked into the kitchen, I found your mouth full and you quickly hid the remainder of the cookie behind your back and tried to act as if nothing had happened. When I asked you what you were doing, you told me, crumbs flying out of your mouth, 'nothing Mommy.'" Sydney smiled at her mother's recalling. Irena started to laugh softly and Sydney couldn't help but join in.
"When I knew that you had lied to me, blatantly lied to me, I was crushed. Here you were, a little kindergartener telling this insignificant little lie about how you stole a cookie, and I broke down into tears because of it. I couldn't believe that my perfect little angel had lied to me. I broke down and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to hold on to my lie for much longer. I was almost relieved when I was ordered to leave."
Sydney looked up at her mother, tears streaming down her face. "You wanted to leave."
"No." Irena spoke quickly. "No. I wanted to leave the lies, not my family. The day I left, I was devastated. I walked around the house for hours, taking metal pictures of everything. The night before I had slipped that necklace from your neck as you slept and placed it around my own. I wanted to take a part of you with me. I knew I couldn't take all of you, but I needed to take something, anything. I took your necklace, and my wedding ring to remind me of my family." Irena stood directly in front of Sydney now, tears streaming down both of their faces.
"When I saw you in Taipei, I couldn't believe it. I had come to the states more than once and was so close to going and watching you from a distance, but I never did, it was too risky. But there you were, sitting right in front of me, and I had to prove to my superiors that I wouldn't betray them. I had to shot my own daughter. I left that room and for the first time since the day I left, I cried because of a lie I had to tell to my family. After I saw you again in Barcelona, I knew that I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't go the rest of my life without seeing you. I couldn't keep lying to myself that I didn't care about my family." She looked at Sydney and met her eyes. "Since then I have wanted nothing more than to just be able to see my daughter everyday."
Sydney looked at her mother and wiped the tears from her face. "I want, so badly, to believe you. But there are so many things to discredit that."
"Since I saw you, since I have turned myself in, I have thought about a lot of things. One of them being what my mother told me, to always speak to truth. I have not broken that rule since I have been in here. If you are to believe anything I have said, believe that."
Sydney glanced down at the floor for a moment before meeting her mother's eyes. She was about to open her mouth when her beeper went off, waking her son, who began to cry. Sydney walked over and picked up Danny who automatically quieted down in his mother's arms. "I have to go." She said quietly, looking down at the number on the beeper.
"I know." Sydney smiled slightly before placing Danny back in the carrier. Picking it up along with the diaper bag she turned to leave. "Sydney." Irena called out, causing Sydney to turn around to look at her. "I'm sorry I ever lied to you."
Sydney nodded, new tears falling down her face. "I know." She stated simply before she turned and walked away.
She walked into his office to find him sitting behind his desk, sifting through papers. He looked up when he heard the door opened and stood to meet her. "Hi." He called. She looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. "Syd?"
She placed the carrier on top of the desk and moved around it, into his arms. She cried into his shoulder as he held her, stroking her back, whispering softly into her ear. "Shh. It's ok. Shh."
She held on to him tighter as she let everything out. When her tears finally slowed and her breathing became more natural, she tilted her head to face his neck. "She just wanted to see me." She whispered into his ear.
Vaughn pulled back slightly, enough to see her face without letting her go. "What?" He asked softly.
"That's why she turned herself in. She was sick of the lies and she wanted to see me again." Sydney moved out of his arms and over to her son. She looked down at him and rocked the carrier slightly. "All this time I've wasted because I was so angry. I never let her explain, I never listened. And now…" She took a deep breath, lifting her head to meet Vaughn's eyes. "And now, I'm never going to get the chance to know her. I was too God damn stubborn and now I'm never going to know who my mother was." She broke down again and collapsed into the chair facing his desk.
"Sydney." He rounded his desk and knelt in front of her. "I…I don't know what to tell you."
"There's nothing to tell. I brought this upon myself."
"Don't say that."
"But I did, Michael. I pushed her away. I wanted so badly to find her, it was all I thought about, and when I did, I pushed her away. Why? Because I was scared."
"What were you afraid of?"
"I was afraid I would find her only to find out that she never loved me. That having me was just part of the cover to seem like she cared for my dad." Sydney sniffled as Vaughn reached up and pulled her down to him, embracing her fully.
"No one, no one, could ever get to know you and not fall in love with you. Do you hear me?" He whispered into her ear as she nodded slowly. "Do you want to go see your dad?" He asked after a moment.
"No. I just want to go home right now. I'll call him and have him come over tomorrow. I just don't think I can handle it right now."
"Ok." He kept his voice at a whisper as he moved to gather his things. He walked over and grabbed their coats. He shrugged his on before moving and helping her stand up and putting hers on. "Let's go home."
She slept the whole way home. He had never seen her so exhausted, emotionally, mentally, physically, she was deteriorating. When they arrived home, he quickly brought his son into the house before moving back out to the car and proceeding to carry his beaten wife into the house. He brought her upstairs and slowly changed her into a pair of soft pajamas before placing her under the covers.
Vaughn moved back downstairs and picked up the phone as he sat with his son in his lap on the couch.
"Hello?"
"Jack? It's Mike. I have favor to ask you."
"What can I do for you? Is Sydney ok?"
"She's ok, if that's what you want to call it. She went to see Irena today and she was pretty devastated when she came to my office afterwards. From what I gather she asked her mother why she turned herself in."
"Why didn't you come to see me after she got back?" Jack asked a hint of anger in his voice.
"She didn't want to. She was completely drained Jack. She wants you to come here tomorrow. I think she really needs the reassurance that her life was wanted."
"I have never expressed in anyway, that I don't want my daughter, that I haven't thanked God everyday for her."
"I know that Jack. She knows that too, she just needs the reassurance." Vaughn took a deep breath. "I think she's just questioning everything right now. Her childhood, you, her mother, me, and I think she's even questioning Danny. She keeps looking at him with this look on her face. Like maybe he's not real. That this is all some sick dream." He pinched the bridge of his nose as he waited for Jack's response.
"What time?"
"Noon?"
"Ok."
"Thank you Jack. I'm going to have Francie and Will come over around 4 or so, and you can all stay for dinner. I think she needs the reassurance that she is loved right now. That we are all, I think she needs the reassurance that we are all speaking the truth that we're not lying to her."
"I think you're right. I'll see you at noon tomorrow. Bye."
"Bye Jack." Vaughn hung up the phone and dialed again. "Francie! Hey, it's Mike. We're ok, you? Good, good. Can you do me a favor? …"
She woke up and it took her a moment to figure out where she was. She didn't remember coming home, changing and going to bed. She wandered downstairs to find Vaughn sitting on the couch, reading, while Danny sat in his play pen. "Hey." She called softly as she entered the room and sat down on the chair opposite Vaughn.
"Hi. How are you feeling?" He asked as he put his book down.
"I'm ok. How long have I been out?"
"Since yesterday afternoon. Its 10:30 now, I was just about to come wake you up."
"Thank you for letting me sleep." Vaughn nodded. "Did you talk to my dad?"
"Yeah, he's going to be here around noon and then Francie and Will are going to be coming for dinner around 4:00. I hope you don't mind."
Sydney shook her head. "No, I think it'll be good for me to see them."
"That's what I figured." He looked at her for a moment. "You sure you're ok?"
She nodded before standing and moving to sit down next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Yeah." They sat there for a moment before she spoke again. "I'm sorry I got so angry the other day."
"Don't be. I'm the one who's sorry. I should have told you the second I found out. You trusted me not to keep things from you and I did anyways." He felt her breathing eradicate as she began to softly cry. "Please, Syd, don't cry."
"I'm sorry." She sat up and wiped the tears away. "God, I'm being stupid. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. I just don't want to see you in pain." He slipped and arm around her shoulder and pulled her to him. "I want you to be happy again."
"So do I. I think I will be after today." She pulled back and ran a hand over his cheek. "I'm going to go shower." She started to stand when he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.
He captured her lips in a soft kiss. "Don't forget that I love you. Ok? Never forget that."
"I won't."
"Promise me."
"I promise." She smiled. "I love you. But right now I need to go wash my hair." He chuckled and let go of her arm.
"Ok." She began to walk towards the stairs when he called out again. "Syd?" She turned to face him. "We'll figure something out, I promise."
A/N: Yeah, wasn't expecting to have it end up there! Wow. Hope you all liked it. I have a small case of writers block at the moment. I know what I want to do; it's doing it that is the problem. So I'm going to leave it here. And if I get at least 105 (look I dropped the number!) by Monday, then you'll get the final chapter, which I promise will be a lot longer and will end happy!!! Then I have decided to do a 4th-quel. (Hehe I like that name, 4th-quel…ok, I'm obviously on something….) let me know what you think about this chapter and about a 4th-quel. Leave me love! – Secret Agent Girl