The inescapable, greatly dreaded author's note: Hello again fanfictioners!
You are probably getting sick of me by now, but hey! I have an account
here and I am going to use it and none of you can stop me MWA HA HA HA
*cough cough choke* Ahem . does anyone have a Soother handy? A strepsil
would be good.
Anyway, I thought that seeing as my dark and depressing side still needs
a little fine tuning I'd spend the rest of my humour here. As always, all
reviews are appreciated!
Our story starts milleniums ago, when many things that should have been remembered were forgotten...
There is a big war. Gil-galad and Elendil are marching their Elves and Men against Sauron's dark forces
Gil-galad: Hey, whats the time?
Elendil: I've forgotten. When's your wifes birthday?
Gil-galad: I've forgotten. Who's that?
Elendil: I've forgotten
The Black Gates open. Something steps out
Gil-galad: Is that a mutant hedgehog or a drag queen gone wrong?
Elendil: I have no idea. Looks like a cross between both
Something: Quiet, you fools! It's not my fault they stuffed my cosmetic surgery
Gil-galad: Sauron? Is that you?
Something: Yes, dammit!
Gil-galad: Oh, I would have never recognised you
Sauron: Shut up!
They have a big thumb war. Gil-galad and Elendil are defeated!!!
Elendil: Well, that's that
Gil-galad: Feel like a beer?
Elendil: Do I ever!
They walk away laughing and clapping each other on the back
Isildur, Elendil's son, gets angry and avenges his Dad. Sauron gets his finger chopped off and hides in his room for the rest of the day
Isildur takes Sauron's ring
Isildur: Cool! This should fetch a good price at Cash Converters. Might even be able to buy a Playstation!
He goes away to sell the ring. He drops the ring down the gutter. It is lost in the sewrage system
Isildur: NOOOO!
(Fast Forward)
In Hobbiton, the hobbits are getting ready for Bilbo's big party
Scary organ music is playing
Someone throws their boot through a window in Bag End
Someone: SHUT UP!
Frodo is knocked off his stool
Frodo: Ouch, dammit!
Bilbo: Frodo lad, have you seen my bunny slippers?
Frodo: No, weren't they under the bed...uh-oh!
They run to Bilbo's bedroom and look under the bed
Bilbo's bunny slippers are there with lots of little bunny slippers
Frodo: Never leave your bunny slippers alone together
Bilbo: Oh, I won't have to worry about that when I leave tonight
Frodo: (shocked) You're leaving?
Bilbo: Yes, and you get everything
Frodo: (relieved) Oh, that's alright then
Bilbo: Oh, and the Cursed Ring I found when I worked in the sewers
Frodo: Cool!
There is a knock on the door
Bilbo grabs his baseball bat, opens the door and whacks the person standing
outside
Bilbo: No more bloody relations!
Gandalf: Dammit Bilbo Baggins! I'm not a bloody relation
Bilbo: Oh, Gandalf. Didn't see you there! Sorry. Frodo, break out the Light Ice!
Frodo: Okay!
They sit around the table drinking Light Ice
Gandalf: Yer, Bilbo! Congrad...*hic*...ulatons on your eleventy first birfday!
Bilbo: Yer, Gandalf! Happy...*hic*...happy mother's day!
Frodo: (who hasn't drank a lot) It's not mother's day
Bilbo: Yay!
He falls off his chair
Gandalf falls forward and smacks his face on the frying pan, knocking himself out
Frodo: Great! Can't wait till I can send them to an old age home
The time for the party comes
Frodo: Hi Sam!
Sam: Hi Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: Have you got everything ready?
Sam: Yep, got a coffin, priest, congregation, and church organ on stand by, should the worst occur
Frodo: Cool!
Gandalf is setting off fireworks. One flys between his legs and blows up his robes
Hobbits: Ewww!
Bilbo walks up onto a platforn
A huge groan goes up
Bilbo: Ahem, I'm not going to waste time mentioning everyone here, so straight to the point...
A hobbit: Get off the stage, you old coot!
Bilbo: I like two thirds of you more then three fourths of a quarter from two deserve, and I like the majority of three quarters of four fifths to a tenth should be allowed
Much confusion and glances exchanged among the party guests
Hobbit#94: *SNORE*
Bilbo: Alas, eleventy one years of which I spent a quarter in Bali and another third of in Kent is to short a time to live among such, um, hobbits. I regret to inform you that I am leaving now. Goodbye
There is a big cloud of smoke. The guests cough. The smoke disappears and
Bilbo is still standing there struggling with the Ring.
Bilbo: Oh, um, heh heh...Gandalf!
There is another cloud of smoke. When it clears Bilbo is gone!!! Everyone gasps
Everyone: *Gasp*
Sam: Wow! How'd he do that?
Frodo rolls his eyes
Everyone: Yay!
There is much celebration. Frodo goes home. Bilbo is gone and Gandalf has his head in the fridge
Frodo: Gandalf! What are you doing?
Gandalf whacks his head on the fridge door and knocks himself out
Frodo: Not again!
Gandalf wakes up two hours later
Frodo: He's gone, hasn't he
Gandalf: There there my boy, these things happen
Frodo: I don't care, I was just making sure he was actually gone
Gandalf: Oh...
Frodo: Where's the ring?
Gandalf: Oops!
He runs out the door and comes back a while later
Gandalf: Here it is, Frodo
Frodo: Where was it?
Gandalf: In Bilbo's pocket
Frodo: Cool!
Gandalf; I must go now. I will return in a few years, just to add mystery and excitement to the story
Frodo: Oh, okay. See ya
Gandalf: Bye!
He walks out the door, hits his head on the door post and knocks himself out
Frodo: DAMMIT!
He wraps Gandalf in present wrapping, ties a pretty bow around him and mails him to Isengard
Frodo: There
He goes to bed
A few years later a big, battered package arrives. It has been previously unwrapped, beaten up, and then badly wrapped again. The label on it says 'Return to Sender'
Frodo unwraps it. Gandalf drops out
Gandalf: Ouch!
Frodo: Hello Gandalf! Have a nice trip?
Gandalf: Frodo, you forgot to poke airholes in the wrapping!
Frodo: Whoops!
Gandalf then begins to tell him about how he arrived in Isengard, was tortured by a now evil Sarumon, who beat him up with his stick, made him clean the chimney and returned him
Frodo: *Snore*
Gandalf smacks him with his staff
Gandalf: Wake up dammit! You're supposed to be excited and scared and worried and stuff like that
Frodo begins to prance around happily. Then he drops to his knees, cowering and screaming. Then he gets up and stares at Gandalf with a concerned look on his face
Gandalf: What are you doing?
Frodo: I am being excited and scared and worried
Gandalf: I have a headache...
There is a giggle outside the window
Gandalf walks over and whacks the giggler on the head with his staff
Giggler: Ouch!
Gandalf drags the giggler through the window and dumps him on the table
Gandalf: Dammit Sam Gamgee!
Sam talks into his walkee talkee
Sam: Fox Boy and Diseased Mule, I have been found. Don't give away your positions!
There is a click from under the chair
Thing under the chair: Roger that Gardener, I won't do a thing!
Gandalf pulls the Thing under the chair out from under the chair
Frodo: Pippin?!
Pippin: D'oh!
Sam: I told you not to give away your position, Diseased Mule!
Pippin: How come I had to be Diseased Mule?
Sam: Cause Fox Boy and Gardener were already taken
Pippin: D'oh!
There is a static noise from inside Frodo's cupboard
Gandalf opens the cupboard. Merry rolls out
Sam: Fox boy, you idiot!
Merry: It went haywire!
Gandalf: Caught you!
Merry: Oh, but we were just conspiratoring
Pippin: I thought we were going to fly Frodo's underwear from the flag pole
Sam: Pip, we already went over that
Pippin: D'oh!
Gandalf: Conspirators, huh? Well, you have a new mission! Go with Frodo to destroy the One Ring!
Frodo: Huh? You never said anything about that!
Gandalf: Yes, well it would have taken days to explain. I'm due to defeat Sarumon in a chess match at two. Anyway, your Ring is evil. You must travel across Middle Earth to Mordor, and throw it into MOUNT DOOM!
Lightning and Thunder begin
Frodo: EEK!
Others: Yay!
Gandalf: It's settled then! Well, time for me to go!
He whacks his head on the rafters and knocks himself out
Frodo: Oh...!
Pippin: Cool! A real mission!
Frodo: It will be fraught with danger!
Pippin: Cool!
Merry: Cool!
Sam: Cool!
Frodo: Major!
They look at him
Frodo: I needed a new word
Others: Oh...
Frodo: To Mordor and Beyond!
Others: CHARGE!
They run out the door, waving their arms above their heads, before returning to pack provisions for the long journey
What happens next? Find out next time on Bored with the Ring!
Our story starts milleniums ago, when many things that should have been remembered were forgotten...
There is a big war. Gil-galad and Elendil are marching their Elves and Men against Sauron's dark forces
Gil-galad: Hey, whats the time?
Elendil: I've forgotten. When's your wifes birthday?
Gil-galad: I've forgotten. Who's that?
Elendil: I've forgotten
The Black Gates open. Something steps out
Gil-galad: Is that a mutant hedgehog or a drag queen gone wrong?
Elendil: I have no idea. Looks like a cross between both
Something: Quiet, you fools! It's not my fault they stuffed my cosmetic surgery
Gil-galad: Sauron? Is that you?
Something: Yes, dammit!
Gil-galad: Oh, I would have never recognised you
Sauron: Shut up!
They have a big thumb war. Gil-galad and Elendil are defeated!!!
Elendil: Well, that's that
Gil-galad: Feel like a beer?
Elendil: Do I ever!
They walk away laughing and clapping each other on the back
Isildur, Elendil's son, gets angry and avenges his Dad. Sauron gets his finger chopped off and hides in his room for the rest of the day
Isildur takes Sauron's ring
Isildur: Cool! This should fetch a good price at Cash Converters. Might even be able to buy a Playstation!
He goes away to sell the ring. He drops the ring down the gutter. It is lost in the sewrage system
Isildur: NOOOO!
(Fast Forward)
In Hobbiton, the hobbits are getting ready for Bilbo's big party
Scary organ music is playing
Someone throws their boot through a window in Bag End
Someone: SHUT UP!
Frodo is knocked off his stool
Frodo: Ouch, dammit!
Bilbo: Frodo lad, have you seen my bunny slippers?
Frodo: No, weren't they under the bed...uh-oh!
They run to Bilbo's bedroom and look under the bed
Bilbo's bunny slippers are there with lots of little bunny slippers
Frodo: Never leave your bunny slippers alone together
Bilbo: Oh, I won't have to worry about that when I leave tonight
Frodo: (shocked) You're leaving?
Bilbo: Yes, and you get everything
Frodo: (relieved) Oh, that's alright then
Bilbo: Oh, and the Cursed Ring I found when I worked in the sewers
Frodo: Cool!
There is a knock on the door
Bilbo grabs his baseball bat, opens the door and whacks the person standing
outside
Bilbo: No more bloody relations!
Gandalf: Dammit Bilbo Baggins! I'm not a bloody relation
Bilbo: Oh, Gandalf. Didn't see you there! Sorry. Frodo, break out the Light Ice!
Frodo: Okay!
They sit around the table drinking Light Ice
Gandalf: Yer, Bilbo! Congrad...*hic*...ulatons on your eleventy first birfday!
Bilbo: Yer, Gandalf! Happy...*hic*...happy mother's day!
Frodo: (who hasn't drank a lot) It's not mother's day
Bilbo: Yay!
He falls off his chair
Gandalf falls forward and smacks his face on the frying pan, knocking himself out
Frodo: Great! Can't wait till I can send them to an old age home
The time for the party comes
Frodo: Hi Sam!
Sam: Hi Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: Have you got everything ready?
Sam: Yep, got a coffin, priest, congregation, and church organ on stand by, should the worst occur
Frodo: Cool!
Gandalf is setting off fireworks. One flys between his legs and blows up his robes
Hobbits: Ewww!
Bilbo walks up onto a platforn
A huge groan goes up
Bilbo: Ahem, I'm not going to waste time mentioning everyone here, so straight to the point...
A hobbit: Get off the stage, you old coot!
Bilbo: I like two thirds of you more then three fourths of a quarter from two deserve, and I like the majority of three quarters of four fifths to a tenth should be allowed
Much confusion and glances exchanged among the party guests
Hobbit#94: *SNORE*
Bilbo: Alas, eleventy one years of which I spent a quarter in Bali and another third of in Kent is to short a time to live among such, um, hobbits. I regret to inform you that I am leaving now. Goodbye
There is a big cloud of smoke. The guests cough. The smoke disappears and
Bilbo is still standing there struggling with the Ring.
Bilbo: Oh, um, heh heh...Gandalf!
There is another cloud of smoke. When it clears Bilbo is gone!!! Everyone gasps
Everyone: *Gasp*
Sam: Wow! How'd he do that?
Frodo rolls his eyes
Everyone: Yay!
There is much celebration. Frodo goes home. Bilbo is gone and Gandalf has his head in the fridge
Frodo: Gandalf! What are you doing?
Gandalf whacks his head on the fridge door and knocks himself out
Frodo: Not again!
Gandalf wakes up two hours later
Frodo: He's gone, hasn't he
Gandalf: There there my boy, these things happen
Frodo: I don't care, I was just making sure he was actually gone
Gandalf: Oh...
Frodo: Where's the ring?
Gandalf: Oops!
He runs out the door and comes back a while later
Gandalf: Here it is, Frodo
Frodo: Where was it?
Gandalf: In Bilbo's pocket
Frodo: Cool!
Gandalf; I must go now. I will return in a few years, just to add mystery and excitement to the story
Frodo: Oh, okay. See ya
Gandalf: Bye!
He walks out the door, hits his head on the door post and knocks himself out
Frodo: DAMMIT!
He wraps Gandalf in present wrapping, ties a pretty bow around him and mails him to Isengard
Frodo: There
He goes to bed
A few years later a big, battered package arrives. It has been previously unwrapped, beaten up, and then badly wrapped again. The label on it says 'Return to Sender'
Frodo unwraps it. Gandalf drops out
Gandalf: Ouch!
Frodo: Hello Gandalf! Have a nice trip?
Gandalf: Frodo, you forgot to poke airholes in the wrapping!
Frodo: Whoops!
Gandalf then begins to tell him about how he arrived in Isengard, was tortured by a now evil Sarumon, who beat him up with his stick, made him clean the chimney and returned him
Frodo: *Snore*
Gandalf smacks him with his staff
Gandalf: Wake up dammit! You're supposed to be excited and scared and worried and stuff like that
Frodo begins to prance around happily. Then he drops to his knees, cowering and screaming. Then he gets up and stares at Gandalf with a concerned look on his face
Gandalf: What are you doing?
Frodo: I am being excited and scared and worried
Gandalf: I have a headache...
There is a giggle outside the window
Gandalf walks over and whacks the giggler on the head with his staff
Giggler: Ouch!
Gandalf drags the giggler through the window and dumps him on the table
Gandalf: Dammit Sam Gamgee!
Sam talks into his walkee talkee
Sam: Fox Boy and Diseased Mule, I have been found. Don't give away your positions!
There is a click from under the chair
Thing under the chair: Roger that Gardener, I won't do a thing!
Gandalf pulls the Thing under the chair out from under the chair
Frodo: Pippin?!
Pippin: D'oh!
Sam: I told you not to give away your position, Diseased Mule!
Pippin: How come I had to be Diseased Mule?
Sam: Cause Fox Boy and Gardener were already taken
Pippin: D'oh!
There is a static noise from inside Frodo's cupboard
Gandalf opens the cupboard. Merry rolls out
Sam: Fox boy, you idiot!
Merry: It went haywire!
Gandalf: Caught you!
Merry: Oh, but we were just conspiratoring
Pippin: I thought we were going to fly Frodo's underwear from the flag pole
Sam: Pip, we already went over that
Pippin: D'oh!
Gandalf: Conspirators, huh? Well, you have a new mission! Go with Frodo to destroy the One Ring!
Frodo: Huh? You never said anything about that!
Gandalf: Yes, well it would have taken days to explain. I'm due to defeat Sarumon in a chess match at two. Anyway, your Ring is evil. You must travel across Middle Earth to Mordor, and throw it into MOUNT DOOM!
Lightning and Thunder begin
Frodo: EEK!
Others: Yay!
Gandalf: It's settled then! Well, time for me to go!
He whacks his head on the rafters and knocks himself out
Frodo: Oh...!
Pippin: Cool! A real mission!
Frodo: It will be fraught with danger!
Pippin: Cool!
Merry: Cool!
Sam: Cool!
Frodo: Major!
They look at him
Frodo: I needed a new word
Others: Oh...
Frodo: To Mordor and Beyond!
Others: CHARGE!
They run out the door, waving their arms above their heads, before returning to pack provisions for the long journey
What happens next? Find out next time on Bored with the Ring!