The Hobbits have been wandering for two days
Merry: That rock looks familiar...
Frodo: So does that tree...
Pippin: And that Black Rider...Sam! You've been leading us around in circles you stupid moron!
Sam: But I'm not leading
Pippin: Frodo?
Frodo: Nope
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: Nope
They all look at Pippin
Pippin: Hey, I wasn't leading
Frodo walks over to the Black Rider
Frodo: Um, could you give us some directions please?
Black Rider: Ssssuuuurrrreeee. Jjjjuuuusssstttt lllleeeetttt yyyyoooouuuurrrr ccccoooonnnnsssscccciiiieeeennnncccceeee bbbbeeee yyyyoooouuuurrrr gggguuuuiiiiddddeeee
Frodo: What?
Black Rider: Jjjjuuuusssstttt lllleeeetttt yyyyoooouuuurrrr ccccoooonnnnsssscccciiiieeeennnncccceeee bbbbeeee yyyyoooouuuurrrr gggguuuuiiiiddddeeee
Frodo: Shut up and talk properly!
Black Rider: Hey, I'm the one giving directions here. Just let your conscience be your guide
Frodo: Oh, okay. Conscience says to go...that way
He turns left and walks into a tree
Frodo: Who put that tree there?
Black Rider: Okay, now I'm supposed to chase you, on order of the coolest Dark Master in the universe, if your finished wandering hopelessly, of course
Pippin: Yay, Darth Vader!
Black Rider: No!
Merry: Easter Bunny?
Frodo: He's a good guy idiot
Merry: Oh yeah...
Sam: I know! I know! It's Doctor Evil, right?
Black Rider: No!
Frodo: Captain Hook?
Black Rider: No!
Merry: Big Bad Wolf?
Black Rider: No!
Pippin: It's gotta be Darth Vader
Black Rider; No, you stupid idiots! Sauron!
He launches into a song and dance routine
Black Rider: He's big, He's mean He's the coolest Dark Master you'll ever see! He's bold, He's black He wants his One Ring back!
The hobbits look at one another
Sam: Who's he?
Pippin: I have no idea. Darth Vader's the coolest!
Merry: Frodo?
Frodo: Nope, never heard of him
Black Rider: He has an ad in the Yellow Pages
Frodo: What, that window cleaning guy?
Black Rider: Oh, forget it. Ggggiiiivvvveeee mmmmeeee tttthhhheeee Rrrriiiinnnngggg!
Frodo: Nah, I'll keep it
Black Rider: Oh, that's it, you're so dead!
Pippin: Conscience says 'RUN!'
They run away. The Black Rider gallops after them on his Black Horse
Merry: Run for the ferry!
They run for the ferry
They jump onto it. Pippin unties the ropes
Merry: Frodo's still coming you stupid idiot!
Pippin: Oh yeah, oops!
Frodo leaps for the ferry. He flys right over it and lands in the water
Merry: Any minute now...
Bubbles...
Merry: Soon...
More bubbles...
Sam: Should we pull him up now?
Merry: Might be a good idea
They pull him on to the ferry
The Black Rider comes galloping up
Pippin: Halt!
Black Rider: Wwwwhhhhyyyy?
Pippin: Cause animals aren't allowed
He points to a sign
Black Rider: Ddddaaammmmmmmiiiitttt!
The hobbits laugh and give him the finger
The Black Rider throws a horse shoe at them
It hits Pippin in the head
Pippin: Ouch!
Sam: Hey Merry, is Frodo breathing?
Merry: Uh...no
Pippin: Oh, he can't be dead!
Merry puts a hand to his chest
Merry: Poor Frodo!
Pippin: No, he's not dead...he's just, um, asleep
Pippin walks over to Frodo
Pippin: Okay, Frodo, this isn't funny
Frodo doesn't answer
Pippin: You have to the count of three
Still no answer
Pippin: WAKE UP DAMMIT!
He begins to kick him, and then jump on him
Frodo: *CHOKE* Get off me!
Sam: He's alive!
Pippin: See, I told you he wasn't dead. I should be a doctor...
Frodo: Pippin, you idiot!
Merry: He speaks!
Frodo: Help...
They reach Bree. A man is standing by the gate
Man: 'Ello, 'ello. 'Obbits, four 'obbits! An' what might you be doin' this night?
Pippin: Wondering if you'd move your fat a...OUCH!
Merry stomps on his foot
Frodo: I'm Mr. Underhill
Merry: I'm Mr. Halfway-Uphill
Pippin: I'm Mr. Three-Quarters-Uphill
Sam: I'm Mr. Overhill
Man: Uh huh...
Frodo: We're looking for the Prancing Pony
Man: Tis two quarters of a kilometre left from two thirds up the main street off three quarters of four metres from this gate
Blank looks
Man: It's that way
Pippin: What is it with all these fractions?
Frodo: I think it's some new trend
Pippin: Oh, okay. Three quarters cool!
Frodo rolls his eyes
They come to the Prancing Pony and enter
Drunk men litter the floor and it stinks of smoke
Frodo: Ahem...
An old guy looks over the counter
Old Guy: 'Ello little masters. An' what can I do you for?
Frodo: Accomodation, bed and breakfast and private seating is cool!
Old Guy: Okay, can I 'ave your names, please?
Frodo: I'm Mr. Underhill
Merry: I'm Mr. Halfway-Uphill
Pippin: I'm Mr. Three-Quarters-Uphill
Sam: And I'm Mr. Overhill
Old Guy: Okay...
The hobbits go and order beers
Frodo: Light Ice please
Merry: VB over here
Pippin: I have a XXXX Gold thanks
Sam: Coke'll do fine
The others look at him
Sam: Well one of us has to keep a clear head
Frodo: Cool!
Pippin: Two thirds cool!
Merry: Pippin, shut up!
Pippin: Two fifths okay
Merry whacks him over the head
Pippin: One whole OUCH!
Merry whacks him over the head again
Pippin: Three fourths DAMMIT MERRY!
*SMACK*
Pippin: Four tenths Uncool man!
*SMACK*
Pippin: One third GET LOST!
*SMACK*
Pippin: Two twelfths ergh...
He falls onto the counter
Merry: Four quarters Thank goodness. D'oh!
Their beers arrive
Frodo: That guy has been staring at us since we came in here
He gives the guy the finger
Frodo: Ha!
The guy continues to stare
Merry and Pippin (who has woken up) get drunk and start singing 'We Are the
Champions!'
The guy calls Frodo over
The Guy: You'd better do something before your blasted pals reveal your real identities
Frodo: What do you know about our real identities?
The Guy: Your mate Gandalf came in here, got drunk and revealed the entire plot. I know how this stories gonna turn out, and all that's gonna happen!
Frodo: Oh really?
The Guy: Yep
Frodo punches him
Frodo: How come you didn't see that one coming?
The Guy: *Groan*
What happens next? Who knows! (Heck, I don't) Find out next time on Bored with the Ring
Merry: That rock looks familiar...
Frodo: So does that tree...
Pippin: And that Black Rider...Sam! You've been leading us around in circles you stupid moron!
Sam: But I'm not leading
Pippin: Frodo?
Frodo: Nope
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: Nope
They all look at Pippin
Pippin: Hey, I wasn't leading
Frodo walks over to the Black Rider
Frodo: Um, could you give us some directions please?
Black Rider: Ssssuuuurrrreeee. Jjjjuuuusssstttt lllleeeetttt yyyyoooouuuurrrr ccccoooonnnnsssscccciiiieeeennnncccceeee bbbbeeee yyyyoooouuuurrrr gggguuuuiiiiddddeeee
Frodo: What?
Black Rider: Jjjjuuuusssstttt lllleeeetttt yyyyoooouuuurrrr ccccoooonnnnsssscccciiiieeeennnncccceeee bbbbeeee yyyyoooouuuurrrr gggguuuuiiiiddddeeee
Frodo: Shut up and talk properly!
Black Rider: Hey, I'm the one giving directions here. Just let your conscience be your guide
Frodo: Oh, okay. Conscience says to go...that way
He turns left and walks into a tree
Frodo: Who put that tree there?
Black Rider: Okay, now I'm supposed to chase you, on order of the coolest Dark Master in the universe, if your finished wandering hopelessly, of course
Pippin: Yay, Darth Vader!
Black Rider: No!
Merry: Easter Bunny?
Frodo: He's a good guy idiot
Merry: Oh yeah...
Sam: I know! I know! It's Doctor Evil, right?
Black Rider: No!
Frodo: Captain Hook?
Black Rider: No!
Merry: Big Bad Wolf?
Black Rider: No!
Pippin: It's gotta be Darth Vader
Black Rider; No, you stupid idiots! Sauron!
He launches into a song and dance routine
Black Rider: He's big, He's mean He's the coolest Dark Master you'll ever see! He's bold, He's black He wants his One Ring back!
The hobbits look at one another
Sam: Who's he?
Pippin: I have no idea. Darth Vader's the coolest!
Merry: Frodo?
Frodo: Nope, never heard of him
Black Rider: He has an ad in the Yellow Pages
Frodo: What, that window cleaning guy?
Black Rider: Oh, forget it. Ggggiiiivvvveeee mmmmeeee tttthhhheeee Rrrriiiinnnngggg!
Frodo: Nah, I'll keep it
Black Rider: Oh, that's it, you're so dead!
Pippin: Conscience says 'RUN!'
They run away. The Black Rider gallops after them on his Black Horse
Merry: Run for the ferry!
They run for the ferry
They jump onto it. Pippin unties the ropes
Merry: Frodo's still coming you stupid idiot!
Pippin: Oh yeah, oops!
Frodo leaps for the ferry. He flys right over it and lands in the water
Merry: Any minute now...
Bubbles...
Merry: Soon...
More bubbles...
Sam: Should we pull him up now?
Merry: Might be a good idea
They pull him on to the ferry
The Black Rider comes galloping up
Pippin: Halt!
Black Rider: Wwwwhhhhyyyy?
Pippin: Cause animals aren't allowed
He points to a sign
Black Rider: Ddddaaammmmmmmiiiitttt!
The hobbits laugh and give him the finger
The Black Rider throws a horse shoe at them
It hits Pippin in the head
Pippin: Ouch!
Sam: Hey Merry, is Frodo breathing?
Merry: Uh...no
Pippin: Oh, he can't be dead!
Merry puts a hand to his chest
Merry: Poor Frodo!
Pippin: No, he's not dead...he's just, um, asleep
Pippin walks over to Frodo
Pippin: Okay, Frodo, this isn't funny
Frodo doesn't answer
Pippin: You have to the count of three
Still no answer
Pippin: WAKE UP DAMMIT!
He begins to kick him, and then jump on him
Frodo: *CHOKE* Get off me!
Sam: He's alive!
Pippin: See, I told you he wasn't dead. I should be a doctor...
Frodo: Pippin, you idiot!
Merry: He speaks!
Frodo: Help...
They reach Bree. A man is standing by the gate
Man: 'Ello, 'ello. 'Obbits, four 'obbits! An' what might you be doin' this night?
Pippin: Wondering if you'd move your fat a...OUCH!
Merry stomps on his foot
Frodo: I'm Mr. Underhill
Merry: I'm Mr. Halfway-Uphill
Pippin: I'm Mr. Three-Quarters-Uphill
Sam: I'm Mr. Overhill
Man: Uh huh...
Frodo: We're looking for the Prancing Pony
Man: Tis two quarters of a kilometre left from two thirds up the main street off three quarters of four metres from this gate
Blank looks
Man: It's that way
Pippin: What is it with all these fractions?
Frodo: I think it's some new trend
Pippin: Oh, okay. Three quarters cool!
Frodo rolls his eyes
They come to the Prancing Pony and enter
Drunk men litter the floor and it stinks of smoke
Frodo: Ahem...
An old guy looks over the counter
Old Guy: 'Ello little masters. An' what can I do you for?
Frodo: Accomodation, bed and breakfast and private seating is cool!
Old Guy: Okay, can I 'ave your names, please?
Frodo: I'm Mr. Underhill
Merry: I'm Mr. Halfway-Uphill
Pippin: I'm Mr. Three-Quarters-Uphill
Sam: And I'm Mr. Overhill
Old Guy: Okay...
The hobbits go and order beers
Frodo: Light Ice please
Merry: VB over here
Pippin: I have a XXXX Gold thanks
Sam: Coke'll do fine
The others look at him
Sam: Well one of us has to keep a clear head
Frodo: Cool!
Pippin: Two thirds cool!
Merry: Pippin, shut up!
Pippin: Two fifths okay
Merry whacks him over the head
Pippin: One whole OUCH!
Merry whacks him over the head again
Pippin: Three fourths DAMMIT MERRY!
*SMACK*
Pippin: Four tenths Uncool man!
*SMACK*
Pippin: One third GET LOST!
*SMACK*
Pippin: Two twelfths ergh...
He falls onto the counter
Merry: Four quarters Thank goodness. D'oh!
Their beers arrive
Frodo: That guy has been staring at us since we came in here
He gives the guy the finger
Frodo: Ha!
The guy continues to stare
Merry and Pippin (who has woken up) get drunk and start singing 'We Are the
Champions!'
The guy calls Frodo over
The Guy: You'd better do something before your blasted pals reveal your real identities
Frodo: What do you know about our real identities?
The Guy: Your mate Gandalf came in here, got drunk and revealed the entire plot. I know how this stories gonna turn out, and all that's gonna happen!
Frodo: Oh really?
The Guy: Yep
Frodo punches him
Frodo: How come you didn't see that one coming?
The Guy: *Groan*
What happens next? Who knows! (Heck, I don't) Find out next time on Bored with the Ring