Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
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'Severus!' cried Minerva, tears streaming down her eyes, splattering her glasses.
'What is it, for heavens sakes, woman?' snarled Snape.
'It's Albus..' she whimpered,' he's dead!'
Severus froze, then seemed to snap out of shock.
'Lead me.' He said.
She hurriedly took him to Dumbledore's office, and saw down on the floor the dead Headmaster.
'This is how I found him,' she sniffed.
Severus crouched down and touched the pencil that was stuck up Dumbledore's nose.
'The pencil must have run right up to his brain, making it bleed,' murmured Snape.
But Minerva McGonagall wasn't listening. She suddenly had a big, stupid smile on her face.
'YES!!!' she screamed triumphantly,' I'm the next Headmistress of Hogwarts!'
McGonagall noticed Severus was staring hard at her.
'Oh... I mean..it is such a shame that Albus died,' she resumed her mourning.
Severus got up, and looked out of the window.
'Who could it be?' he wondered, as he watched Hagrid trying to bathe Fang in the middle of the Quidditch pitch.
*******
The funeral was a few days later. Dumbledore's death was such a shock to the whole school, especially the staff ( I mean, who would want MCGONAGALL to be the next bossy Headmistress?).
After saying a lot of touching things at the funeral (most of them were lies, don't worry), it was time that Dumbledore's coffin was placed into the grave.
'Wingardium Leviosa!' squeaked Flitwick, lifting the coffin into the air, and gently laying it into the hole.
Unfortunately, Hagrid sneezed behind him, which made Flitwick lose conact with the spell, so poor Dumbledore's coffin fell down with a large thump onto the hard ground, almost breaking apart. So the coffin was buried sideways.
As the teachers were walking back to Hogwarts castle, Hagrid excused himself and went to little toilet in the pumpkin patch, which was next to the yard. Hagrid was a bit sick nowadays, and had a terrible cold.
He grabbed a piece of toilet paper and sneezed roughly into it.
'That damn cold!' growled Hagrid.
Suddenly, he spotted that one of his shoelaces were untied (he didn't wear his smelly boots to the funeral, only decent shoes which were hard to find).
Hagrid crouched down to tie it up. But he didn't know that something was creeping behind him...
Then, something grabbed his black beard, which was touching the floor! The thing pulled Hagrid up roughly into the air. Hagrid's eyes widened when he saw what it was.
'No!..' whimpered Hagrid.
The creature nodded, its eye gleaming.
'Polly wanna kill!' it screeched.
Last thing Hagrid saw, was that he was stuffed in somethind dark and smelly...
'Professor!' barged Filch into Snape's dungeons, looking pale and shaking.
'What is it Filch?' snapped Severus.
'Another murder has happened!' whispered Filch.
Snape jumped out of his chair.
'Who is it?' he asked.
'Hagrid.'
Severus and Filch went down to Hagrid's hut, and Filch showed him to the toilet.
'Another thing clogging the pipes!' grumbled Filch.
Severus entered, and a shock met his eyes. Hagrid was kneeling next to the toilet, with his head shoved down the loo.
Author's Note: Yes, yes I know this is sick, but don't take these insults and jokes seriously if they hurt you. This story is filled with black humor, and yes, Hagrid drowned in the loo. Please review!
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
////////////////////
'Severus!' cried Minerva, tears streaming down her eyes, splattering her glasses.
'What is it, for heavens sakes, woman?' snarled Snape.
'It's Albus..' she whimpered,' he's dead!'
Severus froze, then seemed to snap out of shock.
'Lead me.' He said.
She hurriedly took him to Dumbledore's office, and saw down on the floor the dead Headmaster.
'This is how I found him,' she sniffed.
Severus crouched down and touched the pencil that was stuck up Dumbledore's nose.
'The pencil must have run right up to his brain, making it bleed,' murmured Snape.
But Minerva McGonagall wasn't listening. She suddenly had a big, stupid smile on her face.
'YES!!!' she screamed triumphantly,' I'm the next Headmistress of Hogwarts!'
McGonagall noticed Severus was staring hard at her.
'Oh... I mean..it is such a shame that Albus died,' she resumed her mourning.
Severus got up, and looked out of the window.
'Who could it be?' he wondered, as he watched Hagrid trying to bathe Fang in the middle of the Quidditch pitch.
*******
The funeral was a few days later. Dumbledore's death was such a shock to the whole school, especially the staff ( I mean, who would want MCGONAGALL to be the next bossy Headmistress?).
After saying a lot of touching things at the funeral (most of them were lies, don't worry), it was time that Dumbledore's coffin was placed into the grave.
'Wingardium Leviosa!' squeaked Flitwick, lifting the coffin into the air, and gently laying it into the hole.
Unfortunately, Hagrid sneezed behind him, which made Flitwick lose conact with the spell, so poor Dumbledore's coffin fell down with a large thump onto the hard ground, almost breaking apart. So the coffin was buried sideways.
As the teachers were walking back to Hogwarts castle, Hagrid excused himself and went to little toilet in the pumpkin patch, which was next to the yard. Hagrid was a bit sick nowadays, and had a terrible cold.
He grabbed a piece of toilet paper and sneezed roughly into it.
'That damn cold!' growled Hagrid.
Suddenly, he spotted that one of his shoelaces were untied (he didn't wear his smelly boots to the funeral, only decent shoes which were hard to find).
Hagrid crouched down to tie it up. But he didn't know that something was creeping behind him...
Then, something grabbed his black beard, which was touching the floor! The thing pulled Hagrid up roughly into the air. Hagrid's eyes widened when he saw what it was.
'No!..' whimpered Hagrid.
The creature nodded, its eye gleaming.
'Polly wanna kill!' it screeched.
Last thing Hagrid saw, was that he was stuffed in somethind dark and smelly...
'Professor!' barged Filch into Snape's dungeons, looking pale and shaking.
'What is it Filch?' snapped Severus.
'Another murder has happened!' whispered Filch.
Snape jumped out of his chair.
'Who is it?' he asked.
'Hagrid.'
Severus and Filch went down to Hagrid's hut, and Filch showed him to the toilet.
'Another thing clogging the pipes!' grumbled Filch.
Severus entered, and a shock met his eyes. Hagrid was kneeling next to the toilet, with his head shoved down the loo.
Author's Note: Yes, yes I know this is sick, but don't take these insults and jokes seriously if they hurt you. This story is filled with black humor, and yes, Hagrid drowned in the loo. Please review!