Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
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McGonagall looked at herself in the mirror. This is the first time she's going out tonight, and she wanted to look pretty. She has to be careful too, so the creature that was stalking Hogwarts wouldn't kill her. Minerva didn't fancy ending up drowned in the loo..the Headmistress shuddered at that.
By the way, Fawkes was missing for a few days. Well, it was none of her business, he wasn't her pet. His grandfather gave him to Albus Dumbledore. Minerva tried to imagine Dumbledore happily accepting a gift from a wizard who was even older than him by two generations. She failed.
'Now, what shall I wear for tonight?' she pondered loudly, walking to her wardrobe.
She opened the oak doors, and peered inside. There were her dresses, even the tartan one which made her look like a Celt in glasses.
Minerva took out a green one. Too Slytherin. The next was yellow. What? She didn't want to look like an overgrown canary! Sprout made her buy that one. Oh, there are tears in her eyes. She always regretted buying that dress...besides, she didn't want to be like a Hufflepuff. Their intellect was too low to match hers (even if they have an intellect, which they never do).
A black one. Was she going to a funeral? Minerva threw it aside. Plum? She wasn't gay like Lockhart, even if plum isn't a gay colour.
There must be something...she rummaged through the wardrobe until she came upon the perfect one. It was a white nightdress. Perfect for her date!
She slipped it on, making sure that no one from the keyhole watched her (as if one would).
Then she went to the mirror, and decided to put on some make-up. Or muck- up. Minerva took a fluorescent green pencil and drew her eyebrows with them. Then she took blue mascara, and put it on her balding eyelashes. Then she finally took crimson red lipstick, and painted her wrinkly lips with it, making her look like a piranha.
Minerva stepped back and looked at herself. Lovely! Time to go.
So the Headmistress of Hogwarts left the room, her face looking like the clown from 'It'.
('It' is a famous muggle book written by Stephen King, the author who wrote horror stories. 'It' was one of his most successful works.)
********
Fawkes was sitting in the Headmaster's study, watching TV (uh, oh). He was currently watching 'Peter Pan' with Robin Williams and Maggie Smith. But Maggie Smith reminded him of someone..
'But Peter, Peter Pan really existed!' cried Maggie Smith (Wendy) from the TV.
Fawkes' eyes grew large, as he watched more and more of the merciless movie. If humans wanted to fly, so be it.
*******
Minerva went up the stairs, smiling like an idiot, as she went for the Astronomy Tower. Soon, she was met by none other than Severus Snape, who was shocked when he saw her.
'Good heavens woman!' yelled Snape, clutching his chest, 'I though you were a ghost, or a poltergeist, dressed in that white nightdress! Where are you going?'
'That is none of your concern!' she snapped,' What about you? Trying to sneak into the Divination Tower again?'
Snape was lost for words. McGonagall smirked.
Then she decided to do something really stupid. She kissed Snape. Snape backed away, and ran off.
'Everybody likes me!' thought triumphantly Minerva, as Snape spat out and wiped his mouth from the kiss behind her.
Minerva happily went up the stairs, and went into the Astroanomy room. Her lover would be any moment now, Argus Filch wasn't usually late (!!!).
Before, Albus Dumbledore was her secret lover, before he died. So she had to move on. A sexy woman like her in the age of 60 needed a man. So she chose Argus Filch, who was younger than her. Much younger.
She sat next to the window, the wind rippling through her transparent nightdress, revealing what a lovely, wrinkly, rotten body she had. Minerva sighed. Where was he?
But something was hiding in the shadows behind her.
'Polly wanna cracker!' it whispered.
Minerva didn't hear it. Suddenly, the creature flew over McGonagall's head, pulling her hat over her eyes.
'Oh, Argus, you naughty boy!' she giggled, stumbling around.
'POLLY WANNA KILL!' screamed the phoenix, grabbing two crayons, one red and one yellow, and stuffed them up her nose.
It wasn't hard because Minerva in particular had very large nostrils.
McGonagall's body fell out of the window, and fell from the tower all the way splat onto the ground like strawberry jam. It was so mangled, that you can't even recognize it.
From the top of the tower, Fawkes flew around singing:' You can fly, you can fly!'
Filch bounded into the tower, looking for McGonagall.
'Minnie? Where are you?' he asked in a singsong voice.
He looked out of the window, and grew pale.
'Oh my, we've GOT some cleaning to do!' he mumbled.
Author's Note: Sick, sick, SICK! Ooooh just you wait for the next chapter! Snape will be in it, a lot. Some smut in it too! No, it won't be slash, I don't write such stories. Just you wait! Please review!
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
////////////////////
McGonagall looked at herself in the mirror. This is the first time she's going out tonight, and she wanted to look pretty. She has to be careful too, so the creature that was stalking Hogwarts wouldn't kill her. Minerva didn't fancy ending up drowned in the loo..the Headmistress shuddered at that.
By the way, Fawkes was missing for a few days. Well, it was none of her business, he wasn't her pet. His grandfather gave him to Albus Dumbledore. Minerva tried to imagine Dumbledore happily accepting a gift from a wizard who was even older than him by two generations. She failed.
'Now, what shall I wear for tonight?' she pondered loudly, walking to her wardrobe.
She opened the oak doors, and peered inside. There were her dresses, even the tartan one which made her look like a Celt in glasses.
Minerva took out a green one. Too Slytherin. The next was yellow. What? She didn't want to look like an overgrown canary! Sprout made her buy that one. Oh, there are tears in her eyes. She always regretted buying that dress...besides, she didn't want to be like a Hufflepuff. Their intellect was too low to match hers (even if they have an intellect, which they never do).
A black one. Was she going to a funeral? Minerva threw it aside. Plum? She wasn't gay like Lockhart, even if plum isn't a gay colour.
There must be something...she rummaged through the wardrobe until she came upon the perfect one. It was a white nightdress. Perfect for her date!
She slipped it on, making sure that no one from the keyhole watched her (as if one would).
Then she went to the mirror, and decided to put on some make-up. Or muck- up. Minerva took a fluorescent green pencil and drew her eyebrows with them. Then she took blue mascara, and put it on her balding eyelashes. Then she finally took crimson red lipstick, and painted her wrinkly lips with it, making her look like a piranha.
Minerva stepped back and looked at herself. Lovely! Time to go.
So the Headmistress of Hogwarts left the room, her face looking like the clown from 'It'.
('It' is a famous muggle book written by Stephen King, the author who wrote horror stories. 'It' was one of his most successful works.)
********
Fawkes was sitting in the Headmaster's study, watching TV (uh, oh). He was currently watching 'Peter Pan' with Robin Williams and Maggie Smith. But Maggie Smith reminded him of someone..
'But Peter, Peter Pan really existed!' cried Maggie Smith (Wendy) from the TV.
Fawkes' eyes grew large, as he watched more and more of the merciless movie. If humans wanted to fly, so be it.
*******
Minerva went up the stairs, smiling like an idiot, as she went for the Astronomy Tower. Soon, she was met by none other than Severus Snape, who was shocked when he saw her.
'Good heavens woman!' yelled Snape, clutching his chest, 'I though you were a ghost, or a poltergeist, dressed in that white nightdress! Where are you going?'
'That is none of your concern!' she snapped,' What about you? Trying to sneak into the Divination Tower again?'
Snape was lost for words. McGonagall smirked.
Then she decided to do something really stupid. She kissed Snape. Snape backed away, and ran off.
'Everybody likes me!' thought triumphantly Minerva, as Snape spat out and wiped his mouth from the kiss behind her.
Minerva happily went up the stairs, and went into the Astroanomy room. Her lover would be any moment now, Argus Filch wasn't usually late (!!!).
Before, Albus Dumbledore was her secret lover, before he died. So she had to move on. A sexy woman like her in the age of 60 needed a man. So she chose Argus Filch, who was younger than her. Much younger.
She sat next to the window, the wind rippling through her transparent nightdress, revealing what a lovely, wrinkly, rotten body she had. Minerva sighed. Where was he?
But something was hiding in the shadows behind her.
'Polly wanna cracker!' it whispered.
Minerva didn't hear it. Suddenly, the creature flew over McGonagall's head, pulling her hat over her eyes.
'Oh, Argus, you naughty boy!' she giggled, stumbling around.
'POLLY WANNA KILL!' screamed the phoenix, grabbing two crayons, one red and one yellow, and stuffed them up her nose.
It wasn't hard because Minerva in particular had very large nostrils.
McGonagall's body fell out of the window, and fell from the tower all the way splat onto the ground like strawberry jam. It was so mangled, that you can't even recognize it.
From the top of the tower, Fawkes flew around singing:' You can fly, you can fly!'
Filch bounded into the tower, looking for McGonagall.
'Minnie? Where are you?' he asked in a singsong voice.
He looked out of the window, and grew pale.
'Oh my, we've GOT some cleaning to do!' he mumbled.
Author's Note: Sick, sick, SICK! Ooooh just you wait for the next chapter! Snape will be in it, a lot. Some smut in it too! No, it won't be slash, I don't write such stories. Just you wait! Please review!